20 year old son has a problem with drinking..... - Al-Anon Family Group

hummingbird1094 · Member

20 year old son has a problem with drinking.....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hey hummingbird,

my girls dont drink, but there are moms and dads here who can weigh in and give you some pointers....we don't tell folks what to do, just give our stories and what we did, experienced ect and let the reader take what they can use and leave the rest

i just wanted to say welcome and you came to the right place.....sounds like dad is in total denial about son's problem an i would say he is addicted to be doing so much booze and pot...g.f. is no help to him either getting him the stuff.....

bottom line, you didn't cause this...you wont ever control it and you will never cure it....if he loses his college, then that is part of the karma he reaps for doing what hes doing...

letting them fall hard is the best way to let them see they have a problem, and us getting into alanon and learning to take care of us, and lovingly detach from their problems is the only thing we can do if we want to stay sane....

yea, this is a bombshell on the lives of his loved ones, but his 80 proof means more to him then education, family, etc., that is how BAD this addiction is.....if he keeps this up he will lose more..his mind and his health....soo soo sorry you have this burden, but i am glad you are in alanon b/c nobody can cope with this w/out alanon

are there any meets near you??? if so, i would get into as many meets as there are days and dad needs to go too, but again, that is his choice, not yours to make for him, but you can learn how to survive and even thrive in spite of his or dad's behaviours.......

i am glad you showed up.....some other parents of drinkers will be coming on soon to welcome you, i am sure.......IN SUPPORT

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My son is an admitted alcoholic and drug user. He has been in and out of rehab, AA and other supports. He continues to return to drinking and many in my family didn't see it to be a problem either and enabled him. I learned that I had no power over him or his disease or the friends and family members who just kept giving him money, buying his sad stories which were all alcohol and drug related, and offering him drinks when he went to family functions. I didn't cause my son's alcoholism, drug addiction, depressive episodes that were a direct result of his drinking and drugging. I had been in Al-Anon for a number of years because his Dad was also an alcoholic and drug addict so I knew in many ways what not to do and what to do to keep myself from enabling and yet, it was still very difficult to let him suffer the consequences of his continuing to drink and use drugs and gamble when it did nothing but take him further and further into hell. Al-Anon helped me do what I needed to do for my sake and the rest of my family's sake with the knowledge that strong boundaries and allowing him to suffer the consequences of this disease would be a bitter pill for me to swallow but could help him return to rehab and AA if he got tired of having nothing to show for his life but pain. After awhile, I also had to erect even stronger boundaries and Alanon helped me do that, too. Not to change him but to keep myself out of the way of a progressive disease over which I was powerless. He didn't like it. He would have preferred I sheltered him, fed him, gave him money, listened to hours of his sad stories that were always the same just with different people and put up with bad behavior that was always about him and never about anybody else. He isn't and wasn't a bad person. He is and was a sick person. Only he can get the help he needs to recover. Al-Anon is the help I need to keep my hands and mind off his life and to take good care of my own. Only other recovering alcoholics or addicts can really help my son recover and that's only if he wants to do what it takes to get clean and sober. I learned I could do anything or say anything and unless I had hours of time, money or a drink or drug for my troubled son, there was nothing he really wanted from me as the disease progressed. Al-Anon has helped me with that, too. I hope you attend it for your sake, whether or not your husband backs you up (he's powerless over this disease and your son, too) or your son agrees he needs help for his disease.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Al anon teaches us to leave the A to their own disease. We cannot do anything. Totally up to them. We can set boundaries and CONSEQUENCES. If you say no drinking in your home, if he does he is out. Then when he does, he needs to pack up and go. period. that is just an example.

we protect ourselves from their disease or it will suck us dry. .

Your husband has it right, not his problem. It takes time, meetings reading coming here to work our own program to leave the A's problem with them.

Its not their fault we are trying to take on something that is not ours to take on.

If he messes up college he does. Nothing we can do. He has his own path. he can always go back to college. Sounds like he has other needs first.

Keep coming!

Gaby · Senior Member

I am a mother of an adult drug addict. I had to let him go!! His self destruction was killing me. I am very spiritual and I surrendered him to God to save me. Some know my story. Letting my son go was the hardest but I had to change things for me to be there when he was ready. Well it took jail to get him sober. He is now released and getting ready to go to a long term rehab. But he knows what he needs to do for him and I will continue to work my program for me. It took me nearly two years to get where I am today. Right before my son got arrested I seen him out on the streets in a car not knowing if he was dead or alive. But I had to allow him to safe himself. As much as it was killing me I did not stop. I was tired of being tired.. Today he is close to his family and his family in Christ. He will be going into a program in a week and has been sober 7 months.. I no longer could allow his choices consume my life.. I had hope and so much faith.. And something opened his eyes and if it was jail then praise God. But never give up on you as I almost did on me.. This is us on New Years. First time together in almost two years sober..

Gaby · Senior Member

hummingbird1094 · Member

Thank you for taking the time to post. I have been totally consumed by his actions and I see myself pushing him away. I literally can not stand to even look at him. I don't understand how he can think his drinking and weed are not affecting him. He does absolutely nothing for anyone in his family let alone his girlfriend. He would rather buy weed or booze than flowers for her or take her out to dinner. I told him last night he needs to get a job or an internship.... I got "I am too busy with classes for that." I replied that I don't know how he will get money then.... He just walks away.

I will not hand money anymore. After seeing what he has done with his Christmas $, I am done.

My husband does not want to kick him out. If this continues, I will be the one leaving. My daughter returns to college in 2 weeks. My son commutes most of the time. He has an apartment at college but gets very depressed in it. His choice was to live alone and now I guess it bothers him. He has friends there that can get him booze so not sure if he will stay up or not this semester.

I pray that something soon wakes him up. My husband has never really done anything. My son does not like him too much and last summer when it got bad they almost went at each other. I had to get in the middle. My son left for one night and then returned. I should have just told him then that I was not helping to pay for college. He does have student loans but not the entire bill.

My son never wished me a Happy BIrthday last January. I assume he won't this January as well. I long to have a picture with my son like the one above. He refuses to get a picture with anyone even his girlfriend. He has put on all the weight he lost 2 years ago.

Constant prayers have been said to help him for over 2 years. One day it gets better then it spirals the next.

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