The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I could really use some ES&H on this issue. I find that I really struggle both with resentments and the desire to retaliate if I feel injured by someone close to me. If I feel hurt, I tend to want to hurt back. The retaliations are "minor"--silent treatment, sulking, retreating, but I am starting to REALLY NOT LIKE this behavior in myself!!! I used to justify my behavior by saying, "Well if THEY didn't DO X, than I wouldn't have reacted in Y way." But, I see that for what it is, now, denial and rationalization.
At the root of it, I feel insecure and competetive, and just not very nice, loving, or caring at times. How do I turn this behavior around?
For me, what I learned was if i reacted, it meant they had control over me. Plus it made me as bad as they are or were.
I wanted to be a better person. I learned to humble myself. I sorta sit back and relax and wonder about people who are so miserable they have to hurt others.
Sometimes I feel so sorry for them for feeling so evil and negative inside.
Retaliation makes me like them, and I don't have any desire to be like that.
This may sound too Jesus freak like, but I am me, I often think about how Jesus would handle this. I really even wonder sometimes how Gandi or leo buscalglia would too.
they are some of my mentors. gads I have another one and cannot think of her name right now. Oprahs older woman friend...sigh who is it?
Anyway maybe sit back and look at yourself, how do you want to see yourself respond?
I feel better about me if I just go on my way and don't give them any energy.
hope this helps some. oh plus the less you do or say, the more it bugs those who are trying to get a rise out of you.
Along with what Deb said.. The other thing I do is realize I'm pretty miserable when I'm like that. Then I remember I have a "choice". Many times I have just stopped and started my day over, sometimes 3-4 times. I will then choose to feel differently. Choice is huge for me. I have a choice in how I will react, a choice in how I will treat others and a choice to make my day a better one. I also recall and believe in Karma. What I put out there is negative energy when I'm resentful and vengeful. I want the world to be a better place so I stop and "choose" to put good energy out in to the universe. Not once has being resentful or getting back at someone REALLY made me feel better. I've been known to say it like it is, but I don't do it to hurt anyone, though they may think so. I'm working on that.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank your HP for the awareness that he is giving you in this area. For it is with awareness that we are able to make a change. You are growing and getting stronger, embrace it.
For myself I call it codependency. I get in there with other people's &**# because of my self esteem and boundaries. Focus on self and some of the resentments and retaliation will begin to fade. And we get to grow up.
hey blue....yeah, i can relate to ur post......there is a DIFERENCE between NOT taking s*** (setting boundaries) and revenge...
for me?? i was "get even---get even BIG".......i was very vindictive...
now??? when someone does something to me, i IMMEDIATELY address the issue with them.......i tell them what they DID-------how it IMPACTED me----- what AMEND/ BOUNDARY needs to be set----
than if they don't heed, i make the changes i need to take care of me--plain and simple......in the past i would sulk, get mad, get all "tweaked" over it--thus giving them my power, and being MORE resentful......take care of it now??? eliminate the resentments...... a lot of times , too, i ask "how important R they???"........
i can relate to what u said here.....it does go away, once u accept u do this----accept it---do the steps on it---- get rid of it........take care, rosie
I have found three tools here very useful. First detachment, and an ability to watch myself go through the day. Admittedly since I am not working my day is not that complicated at the moment. The second is having boundaries and al-anon has many many tools for those some of which are related to reducing conflict. The other is becoming an emotional mechanic by watching the hungry, angry lonely tired stuff. I also think projection plays a big part in it for me. I had a huge issue with a former boss that I used to go on and on about. This week I finally realised how much she reminded me of my mother. The issue just evaporated overnight. Of course I have many many family of origin issues. I go to therapy/counselling to try to manage those and I read everything I can lay my hands on too.
I have found being here and sharing about my issues very very helpful. I go to other 12 step programs to deal with issues about work and earning and more and I try to work on improving myself. I have found that I also really work very hard not to collect any more resentments. After all I live with an A and that is resentment making, frustrating and difficult enough. Why complicate it.
