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My name is Katrina, I'm a 49 going on 50 year old successful registered nurse that does hospice, and mom of two wonderful grown kids.
My relationship was on the surface wonderful, tall, charming, successful car salesman, older, 60 with kids the same ages as mine. We met actually 20 years ago, he has sold me every car I own but two. He lost his wife 8 years ago to alcoholism, she fell down the stairs and ended up in a coma. He swore (in tears of course) that he stopped drinking after she died, that he couldn't handle the hallucinations. I believed him. Despite the fact that I found old receipts from last year for vodka in his car, of which he tearfully said he had a set back and hadn't drank since. On the surface, we had a glorious year and a half together, and I felt like he might be the one for me. Never mind the countless times I would sit and wait for him to pick me up, or come over and find him oddly off balance and out of it, saying he was just tired. Or when we would go out and I would joke with him about staying on his side of the road. He would say "Oops, I'm tired" and laugh it off. I had serious sinus issues, I couldn't smell the vodka, and honestly I am pretty naďve about drinking, I don't drink myself and have little experience with drinkers. Also we didn't live together and I value my time to myself, so I was the perfect choice. We dated for a year and a half, I ended it in November after the second time I found him passed out on the floor and an empty vodka bottle in the car of all places.
He gave me the tears, the excuses, and agreed to go to AA. He went to one meeting in five weeks and said he felt that he could do it on his own and that the people in the meetings were far worse off than him. Denial?? And no, he never drank and drove a car. Things came to an ugly head on Christmas Day, even I thought I would give it another shot, still being the sweet adoring supportive girlfriend. Long story short, his daughter found him passed out on the floor, she walked out, taking the family with her. I walked in on a disheveled man, staggering, slurring words, and a huge empty vodka bottle in the trash. I left him in tears, begging for help and spent Christmas at his daughters. His family told me everything, that it had gone on for dozens of years, and they had tried to get him in a detox center, that he was beyond AA help. Also that he routinely stops after work for alcohol and drives drunk, even with me in the car I realized in retrospect. They have even gone so far as to call the police on him to no avail. They figured I didn't know, and were planning to talk to me. Everyone knew but me.
So now he swears he's in a 90 day, 90 meeting program and has a sponsor, but can't go on Mondays and Thursdays because the dealership closes at 8pm. He swears he hasn't had a drink since Christmas Day. I don't believe him anymore, and don't trust him. He could have put my life in danger and obviously his own. All the lies. He came over yesterday to return my house key and looked good, but he's pretty convincing, a high functioning alcoholic. I marveled the past few weeks at how well he functions at the dealership. A double life and I played the fool. In all of it, he's been apologetic, but something seems off to me, he isn't acting like someone who lost the person he wanted to grow old with. I told him we will talk about a relationship after he completes 90 meetings.
I'm sorry for the long post. I did try AL anon ,went to one meeting and felt angry and cheated in general from all of this. I just feel so stupid and so lost, and can't risk my future for someone that may never stop drinking.
Thank you for listening. Katrina
-- Edited by Katrina324 on Sunday 4th of January 2015 09:47:59 AM
You just told my story,my ex told me so many lies I couldn't separate the truth from fiction anymore.There were countless promises to change, but in the meantime chaos ruled my house.I became very emotionally sick myself and sought the help of a therapist and alanon.I decided to end the relationship because I knew in my gut it was more lies and manipulation to keep me.The final straw was the lying,Oh he was going to meetings this time,had a big book and a sponsor as he said with alcohol on his breath.I want someone who cares about me enough to tell me the truth,lying hurts
Hi Katrina, I'm sorry for what brought you here. One thing we learn in Al Anon is the three C's:
We can't Control it
We can't Cure it
We didn't Cause it
Don't feel stupid, alcoholics are masters of hiding their disease, they know the art of manipulation very well and they know what to say and how to say it to get us to believe every word they say. I felt stupid too, when I realized my husband (who was dry for 15 years) started drinking again and I naively believed the words out of his mouth: I always stop at 2 beers. I am a better driver when I'm drunk than when I'm sober. Hey, at least I don't hit you or scream at you when I'm drunk. I'm more mature now and can handle being a social drinker(this he said when I found him drinking in his office CLOSET), etc.
And, I wanted to believe so badly that he was telling the truth. Then, he got a DUI, swore it was his bottom.....he started drinking again 2 months later. He poked a stick at AA over the summer and went to 5 meetings a week but lied to me about working with a sponsor and tried to fake his way through his amends to me. It's all been a sham.
You have made a choice to end things with him, which is probably a wise decision. If he is real about working a program of sobriety he can always try to contact you in a year or two when he has serious healing and recovery going for himself. For now, he is not a good relationship partner. I know it's painful, but at least you know now before you guys took any further steps together. I know you're hurting and it took courage to come here and talk about this. Sending you support and hugs today. Also, you may want to try Al Anon for yourself just to see if the program can help you heal. You'll find lots of people who can relate.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I just want to cry, but I know it won't change things. It started with lying about smoking. He knows I hate it and has told me for a year and a half, that "I'm almost done with it". As I continued to find cigarettes in his car, drawers in house, of which he said were for the guys at work. I was so fixated on the smoking, I never dreamed he was a drinker. And when I found a little vodka bottle, I downplayed it and thought, "That's not so terrible, a little drink here and there", and believed him when he said he was done with drinking too .
He's good looking, charming, hard working, double life. Where was I????? In a bubble with unicorns? I've been nicknamed "Pollyanna" many times, I don't judge people for what they do, I accept people for who they are, and I feel like he took advantage of my kind nature. I feel like you do, I don't believe him and like a girlfriend of mine told me, she thinks he is doing damage control to keep the family and me happy. He just isn't acting like someone who is at rock bottom. He even told me "If you need to move on, I will understand". What kind of an idiotic statement is that? Sounds like manipulation to me. I translate that to, "I'm not ready to admit I have a problem."
Kat
-- Edited by Katrina324 on Sunday 4th of January 2015 10:25:20 AM
Welcome Katrina I am glad that you reached out and shared. Living with the disease of alcoholism affects each member of the family in a negative manner. We all need a program of recovery after living with the insanity and trying to cope. It is suggested that you try 6 different meetings before deciding if alanon is for you. It doses not matter if you continue in the relationship-- You still need tools to recover from the experience. Alanon is that program.
I know you attended a few meetings and felt as I did in the beginning. I just wanted to suggest that the alanon program of recovery is a process First we break the isolation of trying to cope with the disease alone-- then we connect with others who understand as few others can, we get support and new tools to live by and before you know it positive change has occurred Self esteem restored and the ability to respond in a positive fashion replaces the negative react mode we were use to
Keep coming back
I know in my heart and gut that things aren't right. I just keep kicking myself that I didn't see it. Or didn't want to. We actually went to Florida for a week and I swear he didn't drink or smoke there. His family says he hides the alcohol even on trips and has sneaky ways. I probably just didn't smell it, I had sinus surgery in December, my sense of smell has been impaired for years.
Bottom line is you're right, he isn't someone I can have a secure relationship with right now and I know that. I just keep seeing what I saw on the surface, the guy that made me laugh and that I had so much fun with. But I told him you can't build a relationship based on half truths. His reply, "The only things I ever lied about were the cigarettes and alcohol." Can I laugh now? Does he realize how bad that statement sounds???
Hi Again No it is not necessary to be still living with the disease to attend meetings. Anyone who lives with or has lived with the disease is welcome and does find help. You see until we process the insanity of the days we spent focusing on the alcoholic and come to terms with what we have given up, we will carry the the buried anger, resentment and sadness of the relationship- be it parent, child or partner . Your joy and happiness are worth it. Keep on coming back
Obvious to me is that he wanted to be the man you want and wasn't that man. Good that you see it now and are willing to attend Al-Anon meetings. This disease is a fooler. No one is immune to its cunning, baffling and powerful deceit. I also discovered it to be pretty convincing and yet confusing, too. It wasn't so much that I saw only what I wanted to see as much as it was I was only shown parts of the truth about a person and with increased exposure began to see what was the rest of the story. The worst thing I could do was to beat myself up for not seeing everything right from the get go. I surrendered to the truth that I am not God, that I can be fooled, that I can be hurt, that I can misread people - especially in the beginnings of a relationship and that if I did see more of the rest of the story, I could cut my losses and move on, happy I saw what I saw when I saw it and removed myself from what wasn't going to go well. I could bless the other person for what they taught me, work on letting go of any residual resentments or hurts, and recognize that I will make many mistakes in my life and some of those mistakes will be seeing a person for who I think they might be and learning later that they are more than I thought or not who I thought they might be. It happens. Not just with other people, but with me, too. Sometimes, I surprise myself with knowledge of myself that was once hidden to me. Once I know more, I can act differently than I once did if I choose. Change and growth is part of being human and sometimes it can be painful as I shed old ways of seeing myself, my life and other people but the pain does pass and the new growth and new life becomes my new familiar until it comes time to grow again. You're doing fine. Al-Anon will be a big help to you in your on-going cycles of growth and becoming.
Dear Katrina....pretty name ....welcome to the group
THANK GOD you see this!!!! So many women marry the guy and sadder, have kids, with him THEN see the mess they got into.....
a liar is a liar is a liar......what that shows me is what ELSE is he gonna lie about....lets see, the smoking, drinking......other women??? is that next???? how can ya tell when he is a LIAR....
how can you prove 90 meets with a liar????? he can and will lie about it if he possibly can.....
so so sorry you met up w/this but the good news is you are here...you see this...you gave him your boundary...90 meetings THEN we talk....I would change that.......3 years sober, working AA and MAYBE we talk
however, that said....only 15-20% of them stay sober.....do you want to gamble that????? I did and i lost both times......
are there any meets in your area???? i would go to alanon meets and listen to the others, share when you feel up to it and hang out after the meets, some great folks and wisdom are shared after the meets as well......find a sponsor and get into alanon which is a lovely loving program to help US.....
so glad you reached out...
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you Neshema,
I know, I see it pretty clearly now that I'm away from him. He's pretty charming, handsome, and has been there for me since I was about 30 selling me cars. I trusted him to never let me down and he always got me out of some sticky car leases. Something told me he was a drinker but I didn't believe it. He was pretty convincing. I told him that what is the saddest is that he is a terrible role model for his grown kids, who lost their mother to heavy drinking. He played the tormented widower very well, but sadly I think he believes everything he tells me. Fortunately for me, we didn't live together, and don't have kids together. His family became my family though and his daughter has been communicating with me a lot, so I know she will tell me if things aren't what they seem.
I am so glad I found this website, I tried another and it was mostly people stereotyping and name calling, not really giving me insight on the real problem. Yes there are many meetings in my area, I went to one and plan to return this week.
Thanks to all for the great replies, I need all the support I can get right now.
Kat
Welcome, Katrina! So glad you are here to partake in this community that has already shared gold. I look forward to hearing about your experiences in al anon. Keep coming back!
Ah Katrina, in the beginning I was SO angry that I had to "do" Al-Anon when HE was the one with the problem! right? All he had to do was stop drinking and everything would be wonderful, right? Well, since then I have seen where my problems lie, what my part in it was, and, that what my part in any relationship is, belongs on my shoulders. I don't have an alcoholic in my life but I use Al-Anon tools every day in dealing with life.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
"in a bubble with unicorns" that is great, did you make that up?
Thanks for your post. I am currently going through a similar situation.
I have asked him to move out and he hasn't yet.
I have been considering telling him if he can make 90 days, i will sit down with a counselor, but I haven't told him that yet. I don't know. I don't want to but if there is any shred of redemption, I feel like I need to try to have done my due diligence but I don't want to.
He came home today crying, again, telling me he's doing the things I want him to b/c he wants to make it work. I told him he needs to get sober for himself. I cannot rescue him anymore from his emotions.
I met someone at the coffee shop today who told me about the drama triangle. I have heard of co-dependence, enmeshment, enabling, etc. But this really put things in perspective to me.
The drama triangle consists of a victim, a perpetrator, and a rescuer.
He would be the perpetrator and victimize me, then he would switch it and say I was the perpetrator and he was the victim and I always had to rescue him or there would be hell to pay.
I am sure I proactively played the perpetrator or the victim at some point and that is why I'm in recovery, to find my defects of character. He was never the rescuer.
I cannot rescue him anymore. I am going to text him to stop crying to me how he is trying so hard to change so this can work out. Enough is Enough. After he moves out and i have some peace and quiet, I will decide if I will give him the 90 day counselor visit. It will probably take that long to get my ducks in a row for a divorce anyways.
Just a bit of perspective from someone 6 years into recovery. When I was 90 days sober (and I did do over 90 meetings in 90 days), I was still bats**t crazy and not relationship material. It takes a year at least just to get used to living without booze and then another 2 or 3 to start handling emotions maturely. At 90 days, a person may just be starting to dig into the steps and maybe get to know some of their own core issues. They should be keenly focused on themselves and working hard with a sponsor on the steps, not delving deep into challenging relationship or marital therapy.
Just a bit of perspective from someone 6 years into recovery. When I was 90 days sober (and I did do over 90 meetings in 90 days), I was still bats**t crazy and not relationship material. It takes a year at least just to get used to living without booze and then another 2 or 3 to start handling emotions maturely. At 90 days, a person may just be starting to dig into the steps and maybe get to know some of their own core issues. They should be keenly focused on themselves and working hard with a sponsor on the steps, not delving deep into challenging relationship or marital therapy.
Pinkchip. Wow. thanks for posting your experience even though I wish it weren't the truth.
K...recovery is all about choices and then learning to live with the consequences that are coming. If you need to leave that is one choice; stay with...or without support, that is another there are more and then of course there are more and different consequences. My sponsor taught me "Jerry F why not choose the consequence you want first and then do (act on) the choice"? That for me was rocket science because I was used to just living from reactions; no thought involved. Thinking first is new behavior and appropriate of course. Just have to practice, practice, practice.
In my culture our mana, our understanding comes or lives in our na`au or center, gut, stomach. When it comes from there we are pretty sure about what is going on and that it is real, true. We trust it and it directs our lives on all levels. We don't put it there ourselves it arrives there thru the participation of our creator; Akua and the spirits of our elders who came before us. I know that this isn't Al-Anon ...this cultural part, however the spirit of the program is very very nearly the same as my culture and I trust it.
Your reason for ending the relationship is a good one. Bad, sick, negative, dangerous, unsupportive, unfaithful and untruthful spirits are not supportive of the happy, joyous and free life we want and need and must have and am responsible for. He isn't responsible and cannot be responsible for the life you want and need...only you are. Trust your na`au, your higher power, the supportive spirits you have had and still do have in your life and your own Katrina spirit. (((((hugs)))))
Mara...This is not to say things won't naturally work out if they are meant to be. It will take time though if it's going to happen. 90 days is a short span of recovery.
Hello all,