When to confront? - Al-Anon Family Group

Heisenberg · Member

When to confront?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Confronting isn't going to change anything nor is anger, lecturing, pleading or ultimatums. The feeling bad about it is just part of the cycle. If you've stated your concerns about what her drinking is doing to her and how you are feeling a need to move away from her when she drinks once, then you've said what you mean, mean what you say and haven't said it mean. The next step for me was to find a way to move away from my x. It would have been easier if we weren't married with kids. I didn't threaten it. I simply did it.

It isn't going to get better just because you're angry about it. She's sick and she isn't going to begin getting well until she decides she wants to do it. Your being there or not being there won't matter if she doesn't really want to go to any length to stop drinking. I had to go to every length to separate myself from a disease that was progressive and destructive to me. I did that because I wanted to do it. Living with it was making me sick with anger, frustration and a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. I had experienced life without all that stuff. I wanted my life back.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 2nd of January 2015 05:34:46 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 2nd of January 2015 05:36:00 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Heisenberg wrote:
sadly, and I don't know how much more of this relationship I can take.
Thanks for taking time to read my rantings, it at least feels good to get this out to people I know can relate.

no sense in confrontation, the only thing that you could do is just tell her that you are going to take care of yourself from now on, and let her suffer the consequences of her drinking......

you can't confront an alcoholic...they won't "get it"....just attend alanon meetings..learn about yourself and why you would settle for a relationship that is gonna only get worse UNLESS she gets into AA...and STAYS sober for the rest of her life, working a strong program......very few of them make it for the long haul.....

i would not enter a relationship w/another alcoholic....i wasted enough of my life, hoping for a low percentage turn around.....are there meets near you???? you will find a bunch of support and understanding in them, and your not alone.....i am sorry for your situation....only you can change your life..you will never change her...you will never control her....and you will never cure her.......i stuck with alkies in my life b/c i grew up with them and knew no healthy way to live...i had low self esteem and didn't think that i deserved anymore then crumbs from emotionally unavailable people....oh yea, the tears and apologies...i heard them ad nauseam till i just got fed up and left.........and its OK to rant...thats how you vent frustration....we understand and don't judge you.....i went through 2 marriages with alcoholics.....now its different...i see a substance abuser and i RUN...but it took recovering myself to do that.......thanks for sharing...IN SUPPORT

Heisenberg · Member

Wow - you all are great, and helping me make more sense of this sad situation. I know there are some local meetings in my area, I'll do some research tonight.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

To add: In Alanon, we learn to watch what our As do and not listen so much to what they say. I wasted a lot of time having long talks with As. If you were in a burning building, would you sit and talk, talk, talk with somebody while you watched the building burn with you in it? An A is in a burning building and if we stay with them talking about it, we burn up with them.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Heisenberg (Love your log on name and avatar. ) Confrontation is never recommeneded. Not reacting, but responding by keeping the focus on your needs and speaking your truth is acceptable . I waited for a sober time because the drunk never remembered

As been suggested, leanring how to take care of ourselves, is primary. Meetings, the literature and alanon calls in between helped me stay sane during the difficult process of living wth the disease. On line meetings held here 2xs a dy are also very helpful
You are not alone and recovery is a process that needs support from others on the road. Please keep sharing

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There is always a super low chance confronting will result in the person opening their eyes to having a problem and going to AA. You can confront but I would do it more for you if you are going to and have it be about your boundaries and what you can and can't put up with. "You are drunk and I can't be around that anymore so I'm leaving." Then leave and don't even discuss it. Otherwise, confronting might be useful just for your closure to let the person know why you are breaking up.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

With my ex-A, accusing behavior just made him think it was a contest of sorts, he would come by when I wasn't home (after his last departure) and look in my freezer then blast me at next chance with the fact that he found _____ liquor in my fridge! He would brandish these finds at me to win his argument that we both had a drinking problem and since I was unwilling to go to AA together, it was my fault we split up, I was throwing away a good marriage, etc. #1 I had found my own program to work on me and #2 I don't think couples should go to the same meetings anyway, especially not at first. We both happened to be at the same social gathering one time and he sent a beer over to my table to prove that I was as big a drinker as he was when I knew that an individual beer wasn't the problem.

callmemara · Veteran Member

I wrote this same post several years ago.
day 1: get drunk
day 2: I'm sorry, I feel bad about this.
day 3: get drunk
day 4: I'm going to stop, our lives are going to get better
day 5: get drunk
day 6: I need to change, I think I have a problem
day 7: get drunk
day 8: It's going to stop, everything is going to change
day 9: get drunk

And on and on and on the merry-go-round went for YEARS. The sick part, is every time I believed him. I believed him. I wanted to believe him, I wanted our life.

I begged, pleaded, gave ultimatums. He only got defensive. He was already feeling enough shame and guilt about his actions. He couldn't cope with his emotions.

I suggest getting to an al-anon meeting which will help get your head screwed on straight. It will give you perspective. You will find support.

If you do confront, if you do give an ultimatum -you better be prepared to follow through. And it has to be for you because you can't change her.

And she will not change without help. And she needs to want help.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Heisenberg,

As you said, I found that it was just useless to confront my wife when she was drunk. You just end up frustrated, and she just ends up passed out. Better to do something that wouldn't frustrate you, like leave, watch TV in the other room, whatever you would normally be doing otherwise. it took me a while to shift off of sitting in front my wife staring at her wishing she would come back awake so we could talk, after awhile I just left her alone, didn't even take her up to the bedroom and get her undressed.

I believe, as pinkchip said, the only reason to confront her is to state your boundaries, wherein you can say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean. And I you do state a boundary be prepared to follow through with it. Saying: "if you get drunk again, I'm gonna leave you" and then not leaving doesn't do anything but tell her that you are hooked on her and she can violate your boundaries at will. And besides, maybe you aren't ready for that, it's all a process.

Otherwise, as you can see, we are all familiar with the process you are describing. Going to AlAnon meetings and picking up some literature and meeting some other people will do you more good than you know. I hope you can get to one.

Kenny

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

She is an adult and has the right to decide what she is going to do! Not like she is underage and is a bad girl. We are not their parents or have any authority over them.

If we choose to be with someone, that means we accept them as is.We don't have a right to expect them to do our will.

If we don't like it, we leave, learn skills to deal with what we don't like so "we" can stay or leave.

She may be an addict, which is a disease so it is not personal. Has nothing to do with you.

We cannot control it anyway so judging or trying to control is moot. We can only do our best to figure out if we want to stay with this person or not. Al Anon then helps us to accept them as is and have tools to help US.

hugs and am so glad you are coming in the door and sharing! (c:

callmemara · Veteran Member

Debilyn wrote:
She is an adult and has the right to decide what she is going to do! Not like she is underage and is a bad girl. We are not their parents or have any authority over them.
If we choose to be with someone, that means we accept them as is.We don't have a right to expect them to do our will.
If we don't like it, we leave, learn skills to deal with what we don't like so "we" can stay or leave.
She may be an addict, which is a disease so it is not personal. Has nothing to do with you.
We cannot control it anyway so judging or trying to control is moot. We can only do our best to figure out if we want to stay with this person or not. Al Anon then helps us to accept them as is and have tools to help US.
hugs and am so glad you are coming in the door and sharing! (c:

Very well said!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Heisenberg good to see you reaching out. You cannot help but confront the alcoholic. Alcoholics and Addicts read body language faster and better than anyone else I know. They feel guilt and shame and anxiety about their planned and unplanned drinking before they even get eyesight of us. They dialogue it before we get face to face also...defensing strategies and languages and emotions. They know and know that they know that their drinking and using bothers the family, friends and associates and it bothers them too. They wish they could use and drink without the negative after affects and wish they could invent the process cause it would make they rich beyond their wildest drunk...and they cannot. Say what you have to say for you so that you can hear yourself stand up for sanity and sobriety and remember still what the 1st step of Al-Anon and AA says...."We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable".

Now that you found the meetings ...get to them as quickly as you can and find a chair that is waiting for you...sit down and listen with a wide open mind and learn. Don't listen for differences twix the people in the rooms experiences and your own...listen for the similarities. "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" like I did which resulted in regaining my sanity and earning my serenity. I keep coming back. (((hugs))) smile

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Meetings Heisenberg and literature are my optional suggestions to you. I hear your frustrations and know so well the powerlessness we battle with a loved one not meeting our needs. We confront they make promises break them we get manipulative controlling angry hurt sad. Terrible. Meetings and literature... support and answers, two things we can't really get from an addict. In support.

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