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AH wants to go over how we're going to split things up and I have no idea how or where to start. After 20 years of marriage, we have 'stuff'. I'm not a clutter person but we do seem to have more than I need and I know he also wants to split up the finances and talk about that too. I give it thought constantly but I get stuck just thinking about it, in general. I wish I had the money to just up and leave and know that I can afford to replace it all on my own.
I told him that I think one of us should move out first and his email to me said this, "I am unsure what it gains us by having another whole set of living expenses before we need to. I assume you have thought this through. Perhaps you can enlighten me?"
I kinda took his response as patronizing, but what else is new? He just can't let it be without that last jab at the end.
On a positive note, he has been nicer and seems to be working on his relationship with our son, too.
I have to admit that I'm scared(too many fears to list here, LOL). We're telling our son this weekend about the split. He has been pressuring me to do this and I told him after the holidays so he's wasting no time in going for this conversation.
Honestly, I do not want to live in the home with him but since I don't work, I think we do have to wait for the house to sell before I can move on. I have an appointment with my lawyer in 3 weeks but I'm thinking of talking to another one sooner. I also have a call in to our realtor so she can get over here in a few weeks and tell us what we need to do to sell this house quickly.
Please pray for me to have peace and for me to fully trust in my HP. I'm going to need a whole lot of faith moving forward right now.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I'm in no way trivializing your important decisions when I say trust your higher power, as you probably know, you won't add one minute to your life, or solve one issue by worrying. Make your best choices with the information you have at the time and turn it over to hp and I promise you WILL be okay!
He really can't see a reason that one of you should move out? Perhaps the whole reason you want to split in the first place? I understand you have fears, but you also have tools and rational responses back to those fears. You also have things you want in your life that outweigh any fears.
In most of my break ups, I just left everything because I wanted out that badly. I don't advise just letting everything go, but I've seen more "stuff" come and go in my life... None of it mattered. I always had what I needed.
I done it completely the opposite way, i just up and left, ive told my story. I kind of admire your patience and treading carefully because it takes guts to live with the fear and work through it while still being in it. I just upped and left with nothing and i somtimes, rarely, struggle with resentment that he got everything, not because he faught but because i just left it. I was so relieved to be free of him and the chaos around him, also i felt so much guilt so the price i paid for the guilt was the whole contents of our home. So, the way i did it was not any healthier, maybe it was a bit easier than how your doing it. I dont think there is an easy way, i would worry about the timescale though. If you know your done then playing at being a family can mess with your and sons head. Can this be done quickly but still thoroughly to lessen the pain for everyone?
I have no experience here, Andromeda. By the time I moved my x out of the house, we really didn't own anything as much as the bank owned it. He wanted whatever was ours that he didn't have to pay for to furnish his apartment and drive to work. I took over the payments on our house, our car, new furniture and some of our credit card debt and he took the smaller amount of the debt. He didn't hire an attorney or contest the divorce. He wanted to party. He didn't want to be a husband or a father. The kids and I were cramping his style so it was fairly simple for me. When I look back at this, I marvel because I was working part-time and making $4.50 an hour and suffering from severe depression. What is amazing to me is that I paid all off that debt in about 3 years just by putting my faith in my HP and doing the next right thing. It wasn't easy and it sure built my self-esteem to accept the challenge and to do what my HP empowered me to do in living according to my own value system, keeping a roof over my kids' heads, food on the table and paying off debt that was mine to pay.
When it comes to dividing "stuff" other than the larger debts like the mortgage and cars, perhaps hosting an estate sale for those things neither of you are particularly interested in having and splitting the profit would be possible for you? I'm with PC when it comes to letting loose of a lot of stuff since so much except for maybe family heirlooms and photo albums which can easily be duplicated so that you both can have a set can be replaced. It isn't worth the energy it takes to negotiate over replaceable stuff in my experience.
Turns out he was talking about the house, the 401K, the investments, and the savings. He doesn't want any of the 'stuff' in the house and quite frankly, I don't want much of it either especially since I'm going to be cutting my house size by more than half with a rental. I will most likely sell house stuff we don't want eventually.
Pink, he doesn't want to pay for a second home for me and our son since I'm not working. He knows that money will come out of savings for me to move out, pay deposit on a rental, buy moving supplies, pay for the electric to be turned on.....you get the picture. His point is that he thinks we can still live here together under this roof while the house is for sale.
The last email to me stated, "have you considered any of the financial ramifications? I have to think that you have visited a lawyer and gotten advice."
I think I'll stay long enough to at least get the house on the market. I can't see how feasible it would be for both of us to move out simultaneously, either. I can't imagine that it would go well, LOL.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
This is where you need a good lawyer. I live at the house but i work outside the home
And i still can not afford to live here. Ah still hands over his checks to me. He is
Not happy about it., he lives at his mothers and gf So no added expenses. When
We finally reach a financial agreement things will change then onto getting divorced.
I stood my ground against him and his cheating and also he would not have given me
My fair share.
Yeah...and I hear how frustrating that is. I would be tempted to respond along the lines of "I have considered all the ramifications and have been struggling with this decision mightily for years. It's not a decision I'm making lightly. It's horrible and it will be costly and I'm sorry but I think it's what needs to be done. Obviously staying married and together would be most financially feasible but life is more complicated than that." This may help to avoid him trying to intellectualize and hold you hostage via finances which you understand and have been keeping better tabs on than him anyhow. Of course he doesn't "want" to pay crap. He can't always get what he wants. I think once the decision is out in the open and more real to all parties, you guys are going to need to live in different spaces sooner rather than later, but I am not you and don't walk in your shoes. I do know that living with an ex after a break up has only been awful in my experience. I see some people do it and claim to be "friends still", but I think it's weird and it's prolonging moving on in life in most of those cases. The need for both of you to be free after that decision is made is probably worth the cost. It could get ugly fast to be separating and/or divorcing while under the same roof. Passive aggression, drinking right in front of you, arguing right in front of your son....all those things could go up (not saying they will) after he sees that the relationship is no longer his reason to not do those things. Similarly, when your boundaries get crossed and you express it, you will more likely get a response of "what do you care anyhow? You are leaving me" and then your son could get exposed to that repeatedly. Not to scare you but the cost of you guys winding up bitter and enemies is WAY worse than the cost of maintaining 2 households for a few months.
I'm not trying to give advice here and certainly not trying to add to fears you already stated you have. I just wanted to voice what I believe is probably already going on in your head and I know your AH is a bully. Trying to validate you and have you holding you head up through all of this as much as you can. You are brave and capable.
Sending continued prayers. Please be good to yourself and keep yourself safe at this vulnerable time. Your post resonates and I had heard the same words from my exAH. Everyone's situation is different and I do not suggest that because there seems to be similarities that makes anything else similar or that you would have similar outcomes. I would like to share in case if you find that it may help you. I was extremely vulnerable, confused, and found many things emotionally painful. In tremendous hindsight, it was simply about how he need not be responsible or assume consequences from his behavior. He wanted to remain together because it would be better financially, and this is a solid argument when overlooking how he was also draining our finances. He refused to have an official lawyer in the name of saving money. Years later, he dragged me back to court saying he didn't know he was divorcing and wasn't represented. He wanted yet another chance to reunite up to the second he proposed to an accepting AGF.
Can ah move in somewhere else? I could not imagine living with my ah
Right now in the throws of divorce. I have been healing fairly well because
we are Separated and living apart. Not much abuse that way.
It would feel like entering the gates of hell every Time i came home,
If we still lived together.There is nothing more painful to me than
Going thru a divorce. It is emotional nightmare, most nights when i come
Home i need my she cave to soothe myself in. The emotions and feelings
Are intense and bad. No matter where your marriage is at, you had hopes
And dreams. You had good times in the past.
We are at the financials now but it has been almost 6 months. We are still
Not any closer. This is when consequences come into play from their behavior
And he wont want to give you anything. I dont worry about possessions i am
Going to move into a small apartment or tiny house. If he can buy me out
Then i will leave most of everything. If we sell then i need to start dumping
getting rid of stuff. I am still in limbo so no answers yet.
We both have lawyers. Mine is a good divorce lawyer. My ah is the one that
Filed for divorce and keeps pushing. He just doesnt have any answers to the
Financial Entanglements we have. He needs the property but doesnt have a
Easy answer to how to buy me out or pay me off.
Thanks, Pink, I like your response and I was actually going to respond along those lines. He's so very concerned about saving pennies and he never counts the emotional cost to anybody else, especially to our son. I'll be calling my sponsor before we do the 'talk' on Sunday with our son. I'm tempted to ask him to hold off until we at least have the house on the market or ready to be put on anyway. That way I know we're at least in the selling process.
His email also said something along these lines(paraphrasing), "I don't plan on moving out. I have to work and have to travel....." Ummm, and I don't have to do those things? And, when is life going to stop just enough for him to be able to move out? UGH! I am swamped these next few months as I took on a copywriting project from a friend who is paying me to edit and rewrite and help her publish her books, I am homeschooling a sophomore (biology is NOT easy to relearn and teach, let along reviewing writing assignments and creating history tests, etc), I am the main parent for my son's schedule driving him to and fro and waiting around while he has tennis lessons or practice matches with friends, I cook all the meals, do all the shopping, two big tournaments here in Phoenix this month that will take up whole weekends and AH will not participate in, I'm leading my home meeting for the next 5 weeks as my service commitment and I still need to find a speaker for one meeting and get some help with other roles as this is a huge meeting and needs a lot of group participation, and I do 90% of the cleaning in this house. Oh, and I started physical therapy for my back this week which will require time out of my schedule, too. But, HE HAS TO WORK AND HAS TO TRAVEL?
And, here's the thing: I love everything I do. I love to cook, I love to homeschool, I love watching my son play tennis, and I am grateful that I have a home to clean and food in the fridge. I'm not complaining and never once have I complained to him or compared what I do to what his responsibilities are. Just a TEENY TINY BIT FRUSTRATED today, LOL!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I moved down from a 3700sq foot home to a 900 sq foot apartment. The first thing I did was rent a storage unit and got all of my important things like pictures and baby items and put them safely into storage. I made about 10 trips to the goodwill store and donated tons of stuff. I began to realize how I didn't need a lot of the stuff in the house. I still need to have a big sale...the house is foreclosing so I want to let people walk through and buy things...like an estate sale I guess. Will see if AH will agree to that soon. I also put my holiday decorations in storage...that will help keep my apartment cleaner...plus I don't have room for them anyway. So having a small apartment has helped me de clutter a lot. That's my story. Just go through one step at a time and it will happen.
NLG, I already started putting stuff in a storage facility. I have to rent a house because our dog needs a backyard, he's a doberman, LOL, and barks a lot and I think I'd get kicked out of a complex, quite frankly. I found a few houses for rent that run about $200 more than a 2 bedroom apartment around here so I think I can swing the cost for a year or so until I have to re-evaluate the finances. I think a lot will depend on whether I get a job and how much I can provide for myself in the future.
Oh, and I am NOT a clutter person and I'm constantly purging my house. I love my Goodwill, they have a drive through area where you barely have to get out of your car and guys just come out and get the stuff out of the back. That reminds me, I have to finish organizing my stuff under the bathroom sink. I am going room by room getting things organized, purging the junk or products that no one is using, and then I'm boxing up stuff for storage or stuff for Goodwill, etc. Time to get back to work!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Remember to get receipts from Goodwill, so you can take the donations off your taxes. Maybe that's already obvious.
The fact that your AH thinks finances are a reason to stay together, and thinks he's too busy to move but you're apparently twiddling your thumbs all day, shows the denial and absence of reality he's living in. They think they're mounting reasonable arguments when they're just showing how out of touch they are.
LOL, yep, Mattie, that's what I'm doing: twiddling my thumbs all day and when I'm not doing that I'm sitting around watching soap operas eating bonbons. I can't believe you saw right through me! Money is his god, Mattie, always has been. He seems to forget that he's the one with a pension, a fantastic health insurance package, a paycheck that could grow exponentially if he worked a bit harder, and a relatively relaxed schedule because he works from home. All of those things are huge blessings for him moving forward. I will have none of those things and I will have to get out there and pull on my big girl pants and make those things happen for me and there's no way I'm going to make a 6 figure salary like he does. Yet, he pulls the woes me lines all the freaking time. I really have to learn how to detach and to do it quickly, because I'm starting to feel resentment boiling and that's never a good place to be. Let go and let God.....there....that feels better, LOL.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
When I separated I was ready to live anywhere without anything. I surrendered and when I did, there was sense of peace I had not known. My mind was quiet. It turned out, though, that when I told him to leave, he left without a fuss. You will know what to do...get quiet and listen...hugs
-- Edited by PP on Wednesday 31st of December 2014 10:27:55 AM
