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I can't take this chaos. I will try to make this quick and to the point. My AH had a relapse of depression/drinking that lasted about a week and a half...ending almost a week ago...hope this time frame makes sense in writing. So this episode was taking place when my girls and I went on our trip to Disneyland...this was when I remain detached from him better than ever. I knew what was going on with him. He admitted it all to me when we got back...he told me he now has a new sponsor. I asked him if he had been drinking the day I had realtors come to look at our house. I thought I had smelled alcohol on his breath...he admitted he had been drinking then too. How humiliating. Anyway...I told him I would not allow our daughter to spend the night with him anymore because his drinking is unsafe and unpredictable. He is now telling me I am punishing him for telling the truth. I offered to have daughter come over to him on Xmas eve and bring his gifts, but he refused because he was mad that I wouldn't allow him to drive her to dinner. He was not drunk at the time. But he is also an unsafe driver, even when sober. He drives old, rundown vehicles and has an outstanding speeding ticket right now. He has had his license suspended at least twice. So, today I had to work. My older daughters went to have lunch with their almost ex stepmother and my youngest daughter needed a babysitter. My daughters friend watched my youngest....they refused to allow my AH to watch her. Tonight when he called, the first thing our daughter told him was about her sisters friend babysitting her. He got really upset and actually started crying to our daughter on the phone!! He lost it, and wouldn't even let me explain why I had her come over...it was also too early in the day for him to watch her...as he continues to sleep half the day. But, then he reminded me of when he took daughter to school one day about a month ago and actually got her there on time. So...basically I get confused. I want daughter to see him, but I am putting my foot down and not allowing her to spend the night.
am I being unreasonable??? My friends and family all agree with me...he is generally not a safe person and continues to have relapses. I honestly don't know if he has been sober since April like he claims. Who knows??? I don't live with him anymore. all I know is it's my job to keep daughter safe. I want him to see her, under my terms from now on. I still have to serve him divorce papers. Nothing is legal yet. He just loves to tell me I am punishing him...like I am his mother. I knew he had a relapse...he didn't have to tell me. he says now that he is working a program, it doesn't matter because I am not allowing daughter to see him yet. I feel he needs to earn back the right to watch her. I would really see some changing in him if he was working his program...he has never shown me or my girls any changing. The maximum time he has ever been sober is about 3 months. I am letting him get to me, and I just need feedback from my family here. Am I being mean and punitive??? I feel at this point, he needs brief visits without driving involved. When he has a relapse...he is literally in bed 24/7 And lets his dogs pee all over the floors because he can't take care of them. It's really scary to me. He's been like this when I lived with him. He told me he has many reasons to be depressed. Yes, he does. But he acted like this when times were better!! There's always an excuse.
Help me to see things clearly. I know our daughter is hurting and confused too. She is 9 Yrs old so maybe she understands more than I realize. I feel badly for her...but I hope some day she knows I had to be strong for her and keep her safe.
-- Edited by Newlife girl on Monday 29th of December 2014 12:54:42 AM
Everyone is telling you that a drinking alcoholic should not watch your daughter except the drinking alcoholic ... and denial is the name of the game for alcoholics. Seems pretty clear to me. Remember that you don't have to convince him of anything. Of course he will complain; that's what A's do when anyone levels the truth at them. And whether he had admitted to his drinking or not, the truth would have come out pretty soon - they can never keep it hidden permanently. So you would have kept your daughter away from him whether or not he had admitted to it. Of course he is too addled to see this, because they're always thinking that they can keep their drinking hidden. That's part of how they deny it to themselves. So glad you are there to stick up for your daughter. Keep on taking good care of yourself!
Sad experience for everybody. Hurts to read it. (((nlg, young daughter, older daughters, AH and his family))) May your HP bring new health, new hope and new life to you all.
First thing first is a good one and thats your dauhter. It doesnt really matter how you or him feel, all you can do is make decisions that he is incapable of doing for your daughter. Its sad but the reality is her father is an alcoholic and that means he isnt always safe to be around. The danger is that she becomes used like a pawn and its easy done without even realising it. Do you set firm boundaries where she isnt in his company at all now hes drinking? Or are you the one who decides when and where and if? It could get confusing for her and she may resent you for it. Its a minefield and when i was in this position i hadto constantly watch my motives. As long as its all about her and her wellbeing then its likely the right decision. If it becomes about you and him then the motive becomes distorted.
I am just having mixed emotions. Feeling like the bad guy, even though I shouldn't! I know for sure I have to evaluate him every time we talk before she sees him. I know I do not want her spending the night...the late night hours is when he drinks, if he is drinking. He tells me the alcohol is gone now...nothing to worry about. Ha. If it was just so simple!!
I agree with Mark, a healthy dose of JADE is in order. You know what is RIGHT, and you know how to manage the RISKS. Living with the craziness makes us doubt our ability to manage these things, because acceptance of unacceptable behaviors has crept into our lives for so long. Therefore we don't know if we can be trusted or not.
However, I would ask myself "who can be trusted more in this situation? The person who has had license suspended, is generally unreliable, wants to make a huge celebration when he actually gets his daughter to school on time, or the person who has been holding it all together for the past few years?"
When it comes to driving, my AW was arrested the second time picking up our son from school. The son got in the car, and if she had (been able to ) put it in gear, she would have gotten arrested for child endangerment as well. Lord knows what would have happened if she would have taken off from school that day So it scares the daylights out of me to think about having a child in the car with potentially drunk driver.
There is no bad guy, nlg. There are just people struggling with various issues and a child who needs one of them to do what she(you) need to do to protect the child whether your decisions are popular or not. I spent a lot of years being judged for divorcing an active and abusive A who brought drugs and chaos into my life and the lives of our children and being blamed for my children being products of a "broken home" whatever that means. Regardless of the disease's taunts or the judgment of others and the crazy terms we come up with to describe differences, I would do exactly what I did over 36 years ago. And now that there is more support for women and more known about abuse, alcoholism and drug addiction, I would do even more with support to better protect both me and my children from this disease.
If he were responsible and capable, there wouldn't even be a question of you 'allowing" him to do anything. You wouldn't even need to think about it.
My ex-husband is sober and drug free now for years, and we have lost that terrible "permission" and "punnishment" nonsense at last. He is still very selfish and does nothing to help financially other than what he is legally obliged to do but, he has shown through consistency and accountability that he is sober, responsible and trustworthy and when he turns up to collect our daughter, I don't have a moment of worry. I know she is cared for, protected and safe and I would be shocked if he wavered or let us down in terms of being sober and trustworthy with her. He grew up with alcoholic parents and although I don't like the way he treats me still, I can see that he has done a lot of work on himself and he places a high value on being a trustworthy and responsible father. I would never have imagined saying that about him 10 years ago but here we are and it is true.
It wasn't that way in the beginning, when she was a baby he would turn up drunk and stoned and I would have to make excuses to stop him taking her. By the same token, my recently Xabf was not trustworthy and I would not leave my daughter with him for 5 minutes, not ever, because he was unpredictable and crazy.
If your instincts tell you that he isn't up to it then I would say, he isn't up to it. If he's using stupid terms like 'you are punishing me" or "you wont let me" and trying to placate you then there isn't an adult in the drivers seat, just the same big baby that you have known and tolerated for a long time.
Your instincts sound good to me.
Your ex doesn't. If and when he grows up he wont say stuff that makes you feel like his mother!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Kenny, you are so right when you say I have been used to putting up with unacceptable behavior for so long, it makes me question myself now!
Melissa, I am hoping some day we reach that point where he won't say things like he is a big baby and I am his mother. It may not ever happen. It's exhausting for me to have to try and figure out if he is ok to see our daughter. With my ex husband, he never made me fear for my daughters' safety. He was having affairs and not treating me well...but not an addict who acted unreliable and unsafe with kids.
Thanks everyone for the vote of confidence. Today we were supposed to go to the house and my older daughters were going to get some stuff to put into storage but they are upset with him and don't want to go there, so we are staying home and then going to see a movie. He called my daughters friend who babysat "slutty". Just so rude. And untrue. Ugh
I like the bit of this program where we learn that it's OK to trust our own judgement.
Everything you say about your ex A rings alarm bells for me and it obviously does for you too. So remember way back in the early days of al-anon learning when you started seeing your A as a toddler? (I figure all of us went through that stage, when we realised we were dealing with angry children instead of grown adults...ourselves included). How do we deal with toddlers throwing tantrums? Do we get upset and worry about what they have said? "My 2 year old said I am a poo-poo face. Am I really a poo-poo face? I might be, my face might really look like poo, does my face look like poo, do you think i am unreasonable if I just ignore her and not respond? Or is it wrong to not listen to her? She gets really angry when i don't listen to her and it might be true that my face looks like poo, what if she has a valid point and i wont listen to her? Will that damage her self esteem?"
I think that's sort of the insane logic we get caught up in. YOU are the one working hard on recovery and trying to be the best parent and person you can be. Your ex is demonstrating complete immaturity and still trying to make you behave as though you are his mother. I know which one of you I would trust in a crisis. How about you?
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Awesome share MissMelissa--so exactly true! Trusting my own judgment when did I begin not to do that? More importantly what does it take for me to remember to trust it day to day?
Leaving her with him would be like trusting another child to watch your child. If it were me, I would arrange supervised visits in a neutral place. I would not correspond by phone, to minimize getting sucked into games/manipulations. You do not need to listen or talk.
You are in a difficult, heart wrenching place NLG. There is no easy way around this...I feel for you and your daughter. I feel for your husband as well. Yet, feelings and tenderness have to be replaced with reality and that which you cannot change. Keep going.....hugs
