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As a child, my mother would not let me help her clean the house. I really wanted to contribute, but she would not allow it.
There were also no boundaries in our house. My mom taught me it was okay to pop the locks off of any locked door (even her bedroom door, which I did when she was crying) with a butter knife.
I think these two things led to my lack of boundaries and my urge to clean stuff up.
I remember as a child (maybe nine or so) visiting a friend and her room was dirty and I began spontaneously scrubbing it. Pretty soon I was painting it. I kid you not. No one asked me to do it and I asked no one for permission. I saw it was dirty and had a compulsion to "fix it."
Beauty is important to me too, so when I see something dirty or ugly, I want to fix it - the problem is that sometimes I don't ask.
I remember when my grown daughter went on vacation one time - I had the key to her house (naturally!), so I went in and dusted and cleaned everything. I also did this to another daughter's house when I was babysitting.
A third daughter was living with a boyfriend's family and I was visiting and began scrubbing the walls! This made me LOL just now - it is so over the top.
I am thinking about this because my grandson told me he was moving into an SLE and last night I opened my cupboards and saw all of the duplicate stuff I have (food stuff) and wanted to start packing it up to give to him. I had spoken to an Alanon person on the phone yesterday and told her of my urge to text or call or advise what to do - that I am a helper and rescuer (I had to be when my grandson was a child), and she told me the story of the baby Condors - the scientists tried to "help" them by feeding them or doing something (not sure what) and it ended up killing them. The ones that were not tampered with survived. That is a powerful story.
Do any of you have compulsions to "fix" other people - to clean stuff up - do you do it despite boundaries? Have you looked at the source of this issue? I find it very interesting.
-- Edited by ohno on Saturday 27th of December 2014 01:30:20 PM
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
I used to.
Interestingly I wasn't allowed to do many things in my childhood home; I was the designated babysitter and nappy changer and I was in charge of drying dishes but I wasn't allowed to touch the washer, the vacuum, dishwasher etc. My mother seemed to think that if I touched anything, it would explode or catch fire or something.
I am also struck with the urge to clean and organise other people's homes and have to resist.
Years ago when my first husband left I ended up staying in my A father's absolutely filthy flat while he was overseas for a few weeks. I scrubbed all of the nicotine-yellow from the walls, scrubbed the thick black mould from the ceilings, spent days on my hands and knees scrubbing the carpets clean....and when i was done i made a garden outside....why did I do that? He just laughed himself silly when he got back and saw what i had done and it was a mess again before I could blink my eyes. I did the same thing when I started seeing my xA, when he was passed out drunk one day I completely scrubbed his entire place clean and reorganised everything and he was FURIOUS when he woke up and made me put everything back how it had been before.
I don't know what it is about exactly but I do know that people don't like it and I must sit on my hands and not do it! I suspect I want them to like me and see I am useful.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
missmel - it is a compulsion - I just want to "fix" everything - now more examples are flooding me - taking those wipey things into my grandson's school to scrub down some of the filthy surfaces, cleaning his room (and making him clean his room) . . . I think part of it is that I know how unhealthy grime is (I practice Feng Shui) and I just can't stand to see anyone living in squalor and filth and I don't understand it. It impacts their health - the thing I refuse to see is that it is THEIR health - but I can't abide their ignorance. If I love them, I want to fix everything - so they will be healthy and we can all be happy. It's definitely control, but it's so much more than that for me. It's aesthetics, health, boundaries, everything.
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
Step 1 and Step 4 help me with rescuing or fixing. I am powerless over the compulsion to rescue and by checking my motives it has become clearer as to why I might want to fix, rescue or change something or someone. Once I am aware of my motives, it makes it easier to simply wait for the thoughts and feelings to pass without taking action.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of December 2014 02:19:09 PM
My underlying motive is to create safety for myself - if I clean, then people will live healthy and won't get sick and they will be happy too - and I won't have to worry about them, and then I will be happy and carefree!
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
Not sure. When I was cleaning/painting my friend's room, it was all about making an ugly space pretty. I felt absolutely compelled to do this and it gave me great pleasure. So in that case, it was all about wanting to create beauty. I figured that she would benefit from it, as well, but that was not why I did it. It just seemed like it needed to be done and I wanted to do it. I guess that is forcing my will and not being willing to accept life on life's terms - I COULD make it better, so I was going to do it. That's why I have trouble with the Serenity Prayer. I CAN change things . . . the question for me is always if I SHOULD really be changing them.
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
My mother is a germaphobe. Everything scrubbed and disinfected, and then disinfected again...food cannot be eaten unless it has just been killed or picked and cooked according to regulations...so of course we grew up in a germ-free environment.
I get sick a LOT. I have no immune system. My siblings are the same, we have very weak constitutions. Also we can share food with other people and they won't get food poisoning but we will be sick for days.
Just to throw a spanner in your theory making everyone be super-clean won't necessarily stop them from getting sick....
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I have no idea how my friend felt - I was barely even aware of her. I was just obsessed. At one point, I went home and then came back and let myself in and started in again. I don't know why they let me do it. I did feel I was overstepping my bounds, but I didn't care - the greater good was calling. Obsessive.
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
To clarify: I don't think it was her bedroom. I think it was some kind of "out-room" - an art studio or workshop of some kind . . . It looked neglected and dirty - but still!
__________________
"All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
Edgar Allan Poe
Row, Row, Row your boat, gently down the stream.
Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Life is but a Dream.
making everyone be super-clean won't necessarily stop them from getting sick....