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I've been waiting for the "right" time to separate from my AH - when I had saved more money, after a binge so he'd understand or I was justified, etc but there isn't going to be a right time. He just keeps on doing what he does and when drunk breaks things which costs hundreds to replace (his glasses, phone). right before thanksgiving was another full day of him drinking and I knew something had to change. I told him the next day that he needed to move out after the holidays (didnt want to ruin Christmas for the kids) and I was proud that I was calm and didnt waiver - until the holidays. The last couple of days have been hard and bittersweet - was really questioning myself and funny how quick I can go back to thinking its not that bad and looking at what I will have to give up - but then AH is so hungover Christmas morning he's sick and being selfish and stupid with the kids it is good to get the reality I guess. So just have to get through 8 days of vacation with him and the in laws - then the really hard times will begin.
i had foolishly thought he'd be rational with moving out, etc. as its not a surprise, we've talked about it before and he's said the right things like he knows he's really messed up but now it's all been blaming me which is so hurtful. I'm feeling anger again too which is probably good so I don't go back on my decision - I haven't felt anything for quite awhile for him.
Kerrymom....change is hard and I haven't every met anyone that did it well right off...after all it is called change or doing things different that what we are in the habit of doing. I separated from my alcoholic/addict wife 6 times before I got t right and for the right reasons. Change doesn't come with guarantees. I learned to choose the consequences I wanted before I made the change rather than just do another insane reaction. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I remember feeling this way too. I would wait for the next big crisis to happen then i will have no trouble walking out the door and he wont even be able to question my decision. It never came for me really, after every crisis i had some way to turn it in my mind to being not quite the crisis i needed. Really it took the consequences from living with alcoholism for years to be a constant presence. My son began acting out very badly and it was the final final straw for me so i said nothing, waited until he was at work, packed clothes and left. Then i phoned him and told him over the phone. Sounds like i had some guts but i kept him in my life for a further 2 or 3 yrs before i got the clean break. I dont know if the leaving part is ever smooth, its hard, its leaving behind your hopes and dreams that really should have been left behind years earlier, well in my case.x
Kerryman You did not make this decision lightly , so please keep on going forward, one day at a time, do not project and trust that HP is walking with you.
It is a difficult road that we walk but together (with alanon) we can make it
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 27th of December 2014 08:09:24 AM
I think I was looking for permission from the outer to make the change I needed to make. It took one final crisis that affected me and my son adversely for me to give myself permission to want more than to live with an abusive A. Something from deep within helped me do what I wanted and needed to do with absolutely no outward permission to do it given. It was as if I had to give myself permission to get out and stay out of what was a toxic relationship that wasn't going to get better no matter how long I stayed with the man or the relationship that wasn't a healthy marriage.
