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I cannot find the email acct with my info on it from my posting.
ACOA here - been tough night and day.
Estranged from kids following divorce -
Living with elderly dementia parent and elderly parent. The qualifier started getting sober in may 14 but does not really grasp the program as dementia and alcoholism have done much damage to her 85 yr old brain.
Holidays are hardest. I was the youngest of 7 who basically left before I grew up - so I was left behind with moms rage and vicious attacks on me for yrs as a developing child. More holidays and special occasions ruined with as little as one glass of wine or beer. Mom gets the stupids. I go into a panic attack and withdraw. I cant speak or engage. My chest gets tight and I have been attending mtgs and really working the program to the best of my ability.
Dad is in denial and will rage any day of the wk - narcissistic to the nth degree and she is not much of an exception. And me? Well I am trying to live sober and find another way as I now live with them since I lost my marriage and home...I moved far away and no one was taking care of my parents - my siblings cant be bothered.
Dad knows she is trying not to drink - she does not drive and the condition of my staying here to help is based on her going to AA. She has done remarkably well - as soon as she drinks it is usually when she is at my siblings - her sister just died so it has triggered some drinking - the jaundice was becoming apparent and it scared her when I pointed it out. When she does drink at others homes, she becomes very ill the next day with stomach ailments and other sundry of things that require my taking care of her or taking her to the dr. She cannot or will not accept it from booze. My dad is 90 and shouldnt be driving. Mom does not drive since her stroke. She tries. But my dad will really push the alcohol on her and he refuses to go to mtgs. The number of falls, abuse she has verbally thrown over the yrs at all of us and the wince reflex of pretty much everyone except my dad is so sickening.
No calls from my adult kids today though I texted and asked for their addresses to send gifts.
No calls from siblings.
I get my parents coffee, paper, pills and handmade card along w gifts in the am - they get up and start calling everyone they know while ignoring me. I go down to take a brief nap at my stomach was churning and they opened their presents to one another without me. This really hurt. They then took off - to church I guess? So I went to see my mentally retarded bro in his institution home. He was overstimulated and so I left earlier than expected. Went to movies alone. Saw an al anon member there and she let me sit next to them. I have been having chest pains from the time I went to movies to now - never had it like this before
I get home - dad opens two mini bottles of wine for dinner. My rule is I will not eat with them if they drink. She says OK I will put it away if it will make you feel better. In comes the shame and guilt. She is free to be a drunk - and I am free to disengage without guilt. But its hard.
She says SHIT like it is my wrong to not want to eat with them.
I go upstairs to eat later and my mom says oh youre not going to have any fun today?
ummmmmmmmmmmm WTF?
My dad says thanks for the presents you gave us (they opened them when I went out). and says we have gifts for you. Now my mother is pissed because I asked her not to push it with me when she asked if I was not having any fun today.
I just dont get these people. The gifts were in trash bags as my dad shops last minute every yr and trash bags are is wrapping paper. Way to make others feel valued.. its fine but it all adds up and there are days I turn it over and over and over. I just want to sleep it off. I miss my kids and they treat me like crap too.
I love them so much and our time is short as they are elderly - but for godssake I hate being in these painful places where I want to love people and be part of it - but they make it so I cannot. YOu know how those holidays of screaming, cursing and yelling go - I just cant live that way my life was hard nuff
I do not have friends here as I am still new and most every person in town is elderly and or married. The fellowship has not brought out anyone who seems to want a new friend though I try.
Hello. Sorry your day has been difficult. Since your parents are in their 80s and 90s, I'd think they have their set routine for how they do things together? As a guest in their house, it appears all 3 of you are uncomfortable with the arrangement? Each of you are trying your best to accommodate each other and it doesn't appear to be working today? I'm sorry there is distance between you and your children, too. Hopefully, with your continued progress in Al-Anon and making new friends, things will get a little happier for you? On-line meetings tonight. Maybe those will help, too?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 25th of December 2014 07:08:36 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 25th of December 2014 07:12:24 PM
I just wanted to weigh in and say glad you are in alanon and reaching out here...sounds like mom and dad are kinda set in their ways and old folks do that...sorry you and your kids are not close, but are there any meetings in your area?? where you can go??? there was so much in your post, i kinda get the gist that you would like to connect w/some folks, alanon meets are great or getting a hobby or going to a gym like me to meet folks???? working alanon will help you get to know yourself better, focus on you and what makes you happy.........glad you reached out......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am caregiver for alcoholic elderly parents, one being an alcoholic - the other a steadfast enabler.
I run into the issue of not knowing the next right thing to do at times. For ex.: the alcoholic parent is elderly and has dementia that comes and goes. The medication and alcoholic contribute to rages, falls and days of recovering. Before I arrived on the scene, they were alone in their home. I discovered upon moving in that mom had been having numerous falls and would refuse medical treatment. Dad would put her to bed if he even helped her up from drunken falls - without medical care. She was on many blood thinners and there were serious bruising and potential blood clots.
So I run the risk of running interference as my other siblings that live in the tri state areas do absolutely nothing to help. NOTHING. Not even offering to invite me out for a much needed respite. This includes one granddaughter.
They come here once in a while, take over and leave a mess for me to clean up. This includes taking her out and providing her w alcohol if she orders it. They refuse to go to alanon - because out of sight out of mind. Its three times the work emotionally and physically.
I am divorced and my adult kids were alienated from me via the ex and his wife. I feel I am living in a hell on earth. Not sure what to do as my parents would be in a nursing home soon - or my mom would be taken to one since my dad would not take good care of her. I would have to insist on a social service intervention to remove her if I left because she would die under his care.
I cant leave her on the floor when she drinks and expect him to pick her up. He wont. He cant. He is 90.
He insists on riding his vespa until a fall in the summer. He had my mom who had bypass surgery and replacement valve help pick up th fallen vespa and dress his wounds that were horrific.
I was out back and did not know this was happening at the time. I dressed his wounds as soon as I saw this. My mother was confused under pressure and it was so sad to see this. My dad was rageful. Of course barking at us was important. He insisted I take him to a walk in further than the hosp on a sunday. I said they are not open - he raged at me so I drove there and it was closed. So off to the hospital we went.
He had a minor stroke earlier in the summer. SSDD.
Mom has done ok in aa but not going regularly.
I go to al a non and ACOA reg and try so hard to work the program.
This is a lot to handle and I also have the hatred of my older siblings - the green eyed monster was always there. Big age diff and I have been the designated scapegoat. NEVER did I think I would be in this situtation. NEVER.
I lost my business in 08 - divorced same yr - lost the house last yr. Had no where to go. My sisters tried paying me off not to live w my parents. Tried to get me to move anywhere but here. Not one of them offered to let me stay with them.
The economy did not bear any employment as hard as I try - I even went back for national certs. and had good refs.
I landed prn job w an insurance company here - but work is scant and no benefits. Imagine that. LOL.
I KNOW I am spinning right now. Overall we have had progress - crtainly not perfection.
I exercise regularly. Probably too much. I have little interest in hobbies right now though I try. I feel very depressed. Cannot afford healthcare or therapy. I pray all the time and read al anon and attend meetings. I have reached out there but have not been able to connect with them. Small town. People do not seem to trust outsiders here. I dont know. I feel lonely and very depressed. Understandably. I am trying not to self abuse with neg talk because I cannot fit in.
I dont want to be a doormat but I am surely set up for the position. I try to detach - its so hard. Relentless.
my parents are too comfortable with me in the house. thats the problem. no respect for me at all despite me doing almost everything for them. they have come to rely on me for their needs. with no appreciation. They were mad at me when i divorced and have treated me like shit since.
I just feel so sad like life has passed me by. I was doing better but the lack of love for me in this family has taken its toll.
Paula
thank you for asking.
I would like my children to stop hating me for divorce and be reasonable.
I would like to be hired by one of the hundred of apps I have sent out on a ft basis
I would like to salvage any part of my life to remarry and be safe and loved and respected and offer the same in return.
I would like my parents to be safe.
I would like for recovery for my mom.
Peace on earth.
It appears that your list is of things over which you are powerless well except for the "peace" part and maybe the pony? I've had those times of wanting others and circumstances to change, too. Gratitude and assets lists helped, reading on Step 1, 2 and 3 or 11 or topics like acceptance or surrender helped, and talking things over with my sponsor is and was a big help, too. This time of life is hard on our parents and hard on us, too. Alcohol in the mix - yuck. Sending you lots of understanding and support and prayers for all of you, too.
It appears that your list is of things over which you are powerless well except for the "peace" part and maybe the pony? I've had those times of wanting others and circumstances to change, too. Gratitude and assets lists helped, reading on Step 1, 2 and 3 or 11 or topics like acceptance or surrender helped, and talking things over with my sponsor is and was a big help, too. This time of life is hard on our parents and hard on us, too. Alcohol in the mix - yuck. Sending you lots of understanding and support and prayers for all of you, too.
none of your list is under your power except for the PEACE....the pony??? can you afford a larger pet??? can you give it proper living space and food and vet care???? pets are a commitment that can cost some money.......but the PEACE comes from within b4 it can radiate to without....all the rest on your lists is OUTSIDE of your power.....
I would like my children to stop hating me for divorce and be reasonable. I would like to be hired by one of the hundred of apps I have sent out on a ft basis I would like to salvage any part of my life to remarry and be safe and loved and respected and offer the same in return. I would like my parents to be safe. I would like for recovery for my mom. Peace on earth.
And a pony.
children are gonna think what they want to and if they are mean to you, then back off, put some distance...let it go...love them and let them know that but also you will not accept any abuse........job apps, yea, its hard out there....visualize yourself working a good job, making good pay, giving good service and dont' give up trying........as to being safe and loved, that has to come frm within.....a man cannot rescue you, make you safe, etc., a healthy relationship is an equal partnership where each partner has a healthy self love and they feel safe within.....it sounds to me like you "need" a man rather than just "wanting" a healthy, equal partner to share life with.....i may never find anyone and i am prepared to accept that, meet my own needs which i do, and enjoy my own company, hang out with friends, etc.........we all want our elderly to be safe and as long as you are dong all you can do, that is all you can do........your mom's recovery?? that is up to her...you are powerless over all these things you list except the peace and pony and i would not consider a large pet if i did not have a job, money to care for it....even a pony costs a lot to keep up....boarding...vet fees....food.....perhaps a smaller easier on the budget rescue pet would be better choice???? animal shelters have so many loving adoptable pets......i would love to have horses again, but i cannot afford the good home that one would cost me....not in this economy.....some stuff we just cannot do w/all these recessions/depressions its hard enough to take care of me.......i see a deep kind of emptiness with in you and i get it..i understand.....program has helped me over come a lot of mine.....Christmas eve I was a bit sad, thinking over my life and how i missed out on life, but then i looked around me and i realized that i have done a lot for me to take care of /provide for me and the other??? LET IT GO.....i go to the gym and swim and i meet folks......i talk w/my sponsor......as i grow within me i will find more stuff to do to get me out of the house when not working and have some FUN!!! but it is up to me to do it......sending you peace
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
