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My AH has been in recovery since April. He was in a 4 week program and has lived in a faith-based sober house since then. After all that we went through leading to our separation and him going into treatment, it was doubtful that we would get back together. I certainly didn't have much hope. My parents have been great support through my struggles. Miraculously, my AH is doing much better. We have gone to couples therapy, individual therapy, family therapy (we have 2 boys) and worked our own programs. He is healthier. I am healthier. After much prayer and contemplation, I have decided to give our marriage another shot. We are planning on him moving home in the next few weeks. I am happy and hopeful. I have come a long way in my recovery and learned a lot about myself. My struggle is that my family is still stuck back in April when my husband was eluding treatment, in and out of detox and the hospital. It was a terrible time and it took its toll on me. They have not forgotten and my dad in particular said he will never trust my husband again. He does not support my allowing him to move back home.
I guess I'm just looking for some insight. Is there anything I can do to help this along? Or do I just stay on my own path and accept that my family won't come along with me in my recovery? Maybe my perspective is all wrong? I feel the anger (towards my dad especially) bubbling up. I don't want to be resentful because I want to believe that his feelings are out of love for me. Unfortunately, he isn't an open minded person and it doesn't feel like his stance on this is out of love. It feels like he's rejecting me.
As a Mother and a long term member of Al-Anon who was married to an A and have an alcoholic son, I understand your parents' concern. That doesn't mean it is necessary but your husband broke their trust. I think I can also understand it from your position. You want them (especially your Dad) to trust you and your decision? And he isn't?
This might not sound as if it is relatable to your story but there was a time when I'd go visit my parents and spend the weekend. My kids were with their Dad. I'd go out one night with some good friends of mine. I'd get back and there'd be my Dad sleeping on the family room couch. "Dad! I've been on my own for almost 20 years. Why are you sleeping on the couch?" He'd also ask me if I'd gotten the oil changed in my car. I was raising two kids. I was the head of a non-profit. I was almost entirely debt-free. He was still asking me if I got the oil changed. I felt irritated by his sleeping on the couch. I felt irritated by his question about the oil. Then, as time passed, it felt good to know somebody couldn't sleep well until they knew I was home safe. It felt good to know that somebody was looking out for me.
I kept on being true to myself at different ages and in different ways. Dad kept being true to himself at different ages and in different ways. We just saw things differently from our different perspectives. No harm done.
CelinaR wrote: Is there anything I can do to help this along? Or do I just stay on my own path and accept that my family won't come along with me in my recovery? Maybe my perspective is all wrong? I feel the anger (towards my dad especially) bubbling up. I don't want to be resentful because I want to believe that his feelings are out of love for me. Unfortunately, he isn't an open minded person and it doesn't feel like his stance on this is out of love. It feels like he's rejecting me.
he broke their trust....you can't do anything to change them, but just follow your own instincts and if this is what is gonna work, then its your life..your decision....maybe after time and sustained "good fruit" on part of husband parents will come around......i wouldn't get angry at dad, i wish i had a dad that cared about me...i had noone care about me , i had to learn to care about me myself......only you know your dad's motives.....he probably is angry bc you went against his advice???? when most people know that only about 15-20% of alcoholics stay sober and become productive.......i sure hope this works out for you...he is lucky to be getting a 2nd chance to it over....a lot of women leave and that is it........good luck, and i hope u have some alanon meets you can go to, to sustain your good fruit about yourself.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Could be he's scared for you more than he is angry? I know that sometimes I got angry with my own kids' choices but when I sat down and really listened to myself, I knew that I feared for their wellbeing and with good reason. I could see around corners they couldn't always see around. I had to learn to let them make their choices and that anger and fear never really helped. It just got in the way of recognizing where I was powerless and letting them and it all go into God's hands.
I can understand and would like to sugggest that your famiy try attending alanon meetings and read a litttle program literature. This might help them to at least keep an open mind on the subject.
April was only eight months ago. my ex has been in recovery 2 years and hes still got issues, hes sober but the inner workings that led him to drink are still there. He entered into recovery a couple of times to try and get me back. It was a lie, he wasnt committed. So, really if i had fallen for it i would have been back to square one within a couple of months. This may be what your family is worried about. Have you considered this is a possibility for you and your husband? Ultimately, this is your decision and its your path. Are you expecting too much from your family? Are you trying to pretend none of it happened and you want them to pretend to? do you think you are all fixed now or do you have a plan of action if it all goes wrong? i recognise your mindset and your feelings towards your family. I would strongly suggest learning as much as you can about alcoholics and the behaviours that go along with it.
