The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My sponsor could be tough, but was more loving and compassionate. She usually was quiet if she got frustrated with me, which I could tell but knew she loved me through it. It is your recovery to work through and you can have more than one sponsor or switch sponsors whatever makes it easier for you. Step 4 is hard and you want someone to gently walk you through it. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
This is your recovery. If you need TLC, bravo to you for recognizing and expressing that need. I never acknowledged that need in me and it is still a tough one. It was a tough addiction counselor that had the most influence on my recovery; she scared me into doing my work
Thank you all for your loving replies. That was what i thought
about loving guidance not tough love. I find people that offer
Tough love only really dont have much empathy or compassion.
I do not lean on people for support, I am fairly strong but with
All my emotional recovery work going on i find i need gentle
self love And care. I can only deal with so much at once. God
Is giving me love and acceptence of who i am.
My sponsor just left after i burst into tears. We seem to
Keep stepping away from each other. Maybe it is not meant
To be. She had got me very upset one other time and i stewed
All day about it. Marriage is a very personal /sacred thing and not to
Be taken lightly. Vows were made that have now been broken.
There is massive healing to be done during and after a divorce.
Mirandac, Our commonality of Alanon is that we've been affected by exposure to someone with the disease and we are in different stages of the process and at different times. What may work for one may not work for another. Maybe tough love worked for your sponsor or maybe this was the best she could manage at this time. Once, tough love did work for me when I was down and someone told me I was being selfish... then I got too angry with the statement to be down... then I turned it into something constructive and positive.... but I don't recommend tough love - could have definitely benefited from a gratitude and asset list instead -and I wouldn't want to experience tough love again. I have learned to acknowledge the differences and do my best to place principles above personalities. Grieving a 30 year marriage is a process and some days will likely be better than others. I have found that I could not force the velocity of grief to get through it more quickly- it ebbed and flowed and lessened in time and as I worked my program.
One of my very best friends who has since died helped me through a very troubling divorce and recovery from multiple difficulties. She was not in Al-Anon, so she wasn't a sponsor but she truly was a mentor and a good friend to me. She was very nurturing and fun and she could also deliver truth I needed to hear even when I was at low ebb. I didn't always like what she had to say and yet I trusted her because she was one of the few people willing to risk telling me the truth as she saw it. I didn't fear her rejection and I so appreciated her candor - after awhile sometimes.
I also saw a therapist multiple years ago following my Dad's stroke and the devastating behaviors of my sibs at that time. She was a crusty old nun who wasn't a nurturing type of person. I was grieving deeply and she truly was a little too rough on me. I shared with her my experience of her and what my needs were after a few days of thinking over what I needed to say to her about myself and about her no nonsense way of speaking. She and I then went on to adjust the way we met in a way that fit both of our personalities and our needs. She taught me a lot of what I wouldn't have learned as well as I did with her as my therapist. We also wouldn't have become best friends.
As a sponsor myself, I appreciate feedback from those I sponsor if they're unhappy about something. Some things I do need to adjust to meet them where they are and some things I can't adjust regardless of how they see what I'm saying because I'm being true to myself and not true to the disease.
If there are more positives than negatives in your relationship with your sponsor, I hope you'll be able to let her know specifically how her words or demeanor are affecting you right now? Maybe that will help to bring you both closer together or to a new level of operating together? Maybe both of you will see that you were right for each other for a time but no longer?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 21st of December 2014 05:46:09 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 21st of December 2014 05:47:08 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 21st of December 2014 05:54:58 PM
Thank you both! I have been leery of step 4 so being
Nervous about my sponsor doesn't help. I have always
planned on my therapist. I believe she saw a need to
help guide me thru step 4. I have only seen her once
In a year 1/2. I have wanted to stand on my own two feet.
We were at a stand still because my marriage was in
limbo. Nothing was changing i was doing All the right
things but nothing was working. It takes Two people
not one to make a marriage work. I went to her in
September for a checkup and she said i was doing
Fine. Making all the right moves and decisions for me.
I have adult child issues but she did not want to go
Into any of that time. I had Enough emotional
Upheavel to deal with. It was Not healthy for me to
go too deep into my past.
MMirandac I have been a sponsor for over 20 years to many, many sponsees of all different ages and educational level.
I believe that a sponsor should be able to be gentle,loving , compassionate, and filled with empathy She should offer support to a sponsee and provide appropriate program tools or an ear when necessary.
Walking out when a sponsee (or anyone is in tears) is an unacceptable response at any time. I would look find a new sponsor . I am sorry you ware not supported but pleased you reached out to others.
Step 4 helped me to see myself honestly and to accept the fact that I was a human being with wants, needs and sometimes inappropriate responses.
I found looking inward a very important, beneficial exercise -- I was not as terrible as I feared. You are a wonderful human being and deserve to work this step
Thank you for the validation Betty. Sometimes i feel like i
Sponsor her more on her issues. We just are not a good
Fit. She works as much or if not more than i do, she is
Often not available and i tend to rely on friends for my
Support not her. I will wait for my HP wisdom on a new
Sponsor. I still might do my 4th step with my therapist.
She will guide me in the right direction. I have a feeling
I will need her then and be more honest about my past
to her. As i stated a lot of adult child issues.
Do what you believe best for you, Mirandac. I agree with Betty, her walking away from you was unacceptable. Your therapist sounds like a good fit to work with you on your 4 th step.
What you described doesnt sound like tough love to me. Tough love is what i did with my son and the love part was always there. It sounds like your sponsor is still within her own disease and that disease can make a mess in every interaction. I like the whole 'were there because were not all there' it might be a good idea to get another sponsor, someone with lots of experience and who you have listened to and have a steady track record. I think a good sponsor will challenge your belief systems though but also stay within the principles and these are loving and caring.
Miranda, I see some stuff when you are focusing on thoughts that make you feel worse and not better. I guess some of that is grief. I would not walk out on you bawling though. I might prod you not to indulge in thinking that only makes you feel worse and try to keep you focused on gratitude. I'm not sure. It's hard for me to distinguish grief from the pity pot at times. To me focusing on what you think your ex has that is so great (kids and a girlfriend) is not helpful and is making you feel worse. Like biting a canker sore you know will hurt but you feel compelled to bite it anyhow. If you wanted, you could run out and find some dysfunctional guy with kids at any time but you are really trying to recovery slowly and the right way. The grass isn't greener on his side. I could see myself telling you this in a loving way and having you refocus maybe if possible. BUT, I would take every call from you and fully understand that crying, sadness, and TIME will be necessary for you to move on.
So - I see a need in a sponsor for some guidance, but not without empathy and an overall understanding and respect of someone else's journey. I have chosen sponsors that I knew had both the capacity for empathy and wisdom to impart. I need to be challenged to grow, but not without caring.
This is a very hard time in your life. You're in the thick of it right now with your divorce. You spoke about your ex's new gf having children and that you don't. ((((Mirandac))) you are enough.
As far as sponsors, I've had nurturing sponsors. I got my first sponsor during my divorce when I believed I was losing everything. Like you, I was rejected. I had the benefit of a good therapist who I had found for my now exah while I was trying to rescue him. Little did I know that my higher power was helping me to choose a person who ultimately would turn out to be one the greatest influences of my own wellness. My ex rejected what this man had to offer us as a couple but I chose to stay when my ex went to rehab and that's when the real work began for me. I had been looking for a therapist for my exah believing his parents were too hard on him and that was why he drank and did drugs. I had no alanon at the time. I searched until I could find the kindest and most understanding therapist who might be the "good" parent that I believed my ex had not gotten.
As it turned out, this therapist along with a very nurturing sponsor who I found at one my meetings helped me to search my mind and heart and to even make decisions that honored me as a person. What I liked about the sponsor I chose was that she was doing service in Alanon, not sponsoring many many people, was very kind, made herself available to me and seemed reasonably content in her "imperfect" life. She brought me through the first three steps and she became my first real friend to whom I could speak truthfully about my marriage. Although, I moved, found a new sponsor I am still in touch with her fourteen years later catching up on one another's lives.
I've had two other sponsors since. The one with whom I worked my 5th step, I chose because I had no sponsor, was new to where I was living and was completing a 4th step workshop and needed someone share with. I'd heard her at one of my meetings and chatted a bit with her and she seemed kind and caring. I had unearthed what I thought were so many wrongs on my part while doing my 4th step. I felt afraid to share it with someone. I felt ashamed and worried I'd be judged.
When I did my 5th step with this sponsor, she asked if we could invite our higher powers to join us. She shared her own experience strength and hope with me with kindness and humility. She practiced HOW honesty, openness and willingness by allowing herself to be vulnerable with me while sharing her own stuff. It helped me to see my humanity and showed me I was deserving of another's trust and worthy of receiving trust from another person. I felt safe with her and able to share openly. From that trust and continuing to work the steps of the program, I continue to grow with the help of my hp.
When the god of my understanding wills it, I sponsor other in Alanon. The sponsor/sponsee relationship needs to be a good fit for both of us. I'm never angry or insulted if someone tells me that they feel they need someone different. I hope others feel the same if I can't sponsor them. It can happen for many reasons and it's fine. The sponsor and sponsee relationship is a mutual exchange. We're both getting something out of it. It's not a teacher/student relationship. We are equals in this program. Both can be teachers and students at times. We make new discoveries together. Newcomers are not a blank slate on which the sponsor writes their own program for the sponsee to absorb. The sponsee is an adult without a program who brings their life experiences, strength and hope to share with the sponsor. As a sponsor I know that I receive more than I will ever be able to give back am grateful to my hp for that. I openly share that with sponsees and that I hope that what I bring will help them in some way. The only authority in the sponsee/sponsor relationship is a loving god.
I hope that your tears are dried now from the support, love and experience that others have shared with you here. Give yourself time to find a sponsor who is right for you. We work the steps for the rest of our life so there's no rush. What's worked best for me is someone in our program who is willing to take a chair beside to me as a friend in the program for mutual learning and growing. (((hugs))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you all for your kind support on the sponsor issue. We keep
Pulling apart. She does question my beliefs and probably gets
Frustrated with me about my ah and my upcoming divorce. I
Will look around for a different sponsor. The one lady i was going
To ask she stopped coming to our group. I think i will do my
4th step with my therapist as planned when i am ready. I will
Order my workbook and paths so i have them. People keep
Saying it will help me at this time to work the 4th step.
I was healing and recovering so well for the last 5 months.
Since mediation in november and reality Of my upcoming divorce.
My inner demons started coming out of The woodwork.
My sleep is disturbed with dreams and tossing and turning.
I realize it rejection and abandoment issues also loads of
Guilt for not being healthier and better to have stopped what
Is now happening in my life. I still love my husband but do not
Like the man he is now. I believe when all things are said and
Done i will go no contact. Then i will truly start to heal that
Open wound. It will be painful till then. The only thing different
In our life Is he doesn't live here and has a gf. So there is daily
Pain and hurt but i am standing my ground till i get a settlement.
We skirt around each other on the same piece of property.
Another thought Mirandac, is that you can do your 4th step as many times as you would like. You can do it with your therapist, and if you have a greater need, again with someone else at another time. Doing a 4th with different sponsors/program members has been incredibly helpful. The first time, I was afraid of the 4th step, but now embrace the growth and the good it brings.
M...the first promise I got in Al-Anon came true for me...the first miracle which was "If you keep an Open mind...you will find help" and then I took the door off of my mind. In admitting that I was powerless and that I knew nothing about the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction (even though I was born and raised in it) I had to keep that open mindedness. I learned a question from my sponsor which I used when I thought I was so sure about what was going on which was "Could you be wrong" and then I would go find the answer to that question on the issue. I often was because of the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of our disease. Sponsors come with lots of ESH which is what I needed and I had often to overlook the delivery because trying to soft sell it to me at anytime could cost me a ton. My sponsor even told me that "I was to look for and use whatever was available to me to gain and maintain my serenity". I bless him for that and am grateful beyond words with my HP and the program for putting that man in my life even during the times when I had negative feelings about the relationship. He has passed away now and then still with me even as I type this. When you have a need...fill it the best way you can to get what you need. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I reached a place in recovery where I thought I was going backwards but really I was losing my self-reliance which was an enormous blessing. I just couldn't live life as I knew it anymore. I needed God. What a great place to reach that many humans never do!
Next I scoured the ends of the earth for a solution. It took a while but one came. I found a process of recovery (AAA Big Book 12 Steps) that was right for me as an adult child and I had a spiritual awakening. I still have problems but my life will always be so different than before.
My sponsor's adult child issues were not healed themselves so I got used later on, but God saw to it she would get me through just enough. Before the problems happened with her, she was loving but firm - and I had to be willing to do the work.
She put my hand in God's hand and that was her job.
I prayed and asked God to send me someone who wouldn't use me and He did - for as long as I was meant to have her. I'll be forever grateful, because God really does it all.
PS. Folks, are the 12 Traditions of Al-Anon supposed to be observed here on this board?
In other words, do I break tradition by mentioning non-CAL literature here?
What are the actual rules?
Mirandac, I agree with Hotrod. Walking out on you when you were crying is not acceptable, and it's just plain rude. My sponsor has never done that to me...and I've cried A LOT to her. She always tells me to take it easy on myself and we discuss the reasons why I am crying. I think it would be a good idea to find another sponsor. Sponsors are humans just like we are, so maybe she just isn't the type of woman you should be sharing personal things with.
Thank you all for your imput. My sponsor was across the room when she
Made the comment to me and started talking to someone else and left.
But she did see i was in tears. I havent felt for awhile we were going to work
Out. I am tender right now and she is thick skinned or i feel callous sometimes.
She does try to get me to think different but not really in a caring manner.
I feel like a big baby right now being so needy but i do keep reaching out to
Keep my sanity. I know it is alcoholism that is root cause of my divorce, i
cant fight it or do anything About it. I need to accept it and move on.
Hopefully i will feel stronger after Christmas, the holidays have been brutal
emotionally. It brought back the rage i feel at my ah. Last time i got rid of
The rage is when i forgave ah and handed him over to God to deal with.
I guess i need to do that again. Rage is not a good thing to have inside.
