What a rough day - Al-Anon Family Group

frustrationshigh · Member

What a rough day

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you have so much yucky stuff on your plate. I divorced my x because I couldn't live with his raging and I won't allow my AS to come to my house for the same reason. My experience was that both would/will go off and then apologize later. Apologies no longer work for me. I have to see evidence of working to make changes which may never come from my son. I do work in the program to make the changes I can make for me. I won't allow myself to be in the company of people who rage anymore. Their reasons are not my business. My business is to take good care of myself and physical separation has been the only healthy thing I could employ after awhile. Al-Anon can help you change what you can, too. She's being abusive and we can become that way, too, without the support of program people and learning to live our lives according to program principles. We also learn to say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean and sometimes that comes after we notice that our b/p goes up and our stomachs give us trouble when we explode or others are spewing their stuff on us. Nobody deserves the rageful expressions that can come from the mouths of anyone affected by this disease.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I could be wrong but I thought sponsors were for people in program. Maybe its different in aa. If your wife drank 4 bottles of wine last night then what can a sponsor do at this stage? Are the steps worked on right away in aa? I know in alanon it can a take a bit of time to become familiar with the language and concepts.

it sounds like you are ebabling your wife. Alanon will help you and your family.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

A sponsor will do nothing unless she goes to lots of AA meetings as well and of course the obvious (doesn't drink)...

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

And step 1 is worked from the second you put down the drink and start getting sober. It is an admission of powerlessness. So yeah...they can and should be worked from the onset.

frustrationshigh · Member

el-cee wrote:
I could be wrong but I thought sponsors were for people in program. Maybe its different in aa. If your wife drank 4 bottles of wine last night then what can a sponsor do at this stage? Are the steps worked on right away in aa? I know in alanon it can a take a bit of time to become familiar with the language and concepts.

it sounds like you are ebabling your wife. Alanon will help you and your family.

Could you please explain the bolded text?

-- Edited by frustrationshigh on Thursday 11th of December 2014 01:48:58 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds as if you have your hands full my Friend!!!! I do hope you are seeking support from alanon face to face meetings in your community. I found I could not do this journey alone.
Breaking the isolation caused by living in the insanity of the disease truly helped me to remain sane. Please also keep coming back here often and share You are not alone,

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

hi frustrationshigh. Just your name tells me you need Al-Anon. Alcoholism causes frustration and anxiety in everyone it touches. It's manipulative. cunning and progresses over time. Your wife's program is her program, and whether she goes to the meetings and gets a sponsor is her business. You won't be able to help her with this. What you can do is help yourself by attending Al-Anon meetings. You have absolutely no reason to feel guilty because you exploded. You felt anger, you expressed your anger and it sounds as though you freed it because you said it felt good to get it off your chest. That's awareness my friend. smile

Please take care of you and keep coming back here.

It works if you work it.

-- Edited by cloudyskies on Thursday 11th of December 2014 02:26:51 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, you went out to plough the snow then you dressed your toddler, your wife wasnt much help. After that much alcohol I can believe she wasnt much help but the mi ute you pick up the slack, I.e. do her jobs, help her out, make it easier on her then its enabling her disease. Theres a whole philosophy you can learn, a whole new way of living with alcoholism, looking at it in a different way, a healthier way that helps your whole family. Alanon is a fellowship that has meetings around the world. Look it up online and get yourself to a meeting.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Mine did not rage but would try to upset me. I learned to detach knowing it was all the disease talking. I would leave the home, go for a drive, go read, go mess with my horses or whatever.

I had my own bedroom with a lock and door out, bathroom everything i needed wanted.

the rage feels high, people who do this like it. She or her disease is only asking you to make her "feel." I just don't play thankyou very much.

Becuz I never responded he stopped, I was no fun. We got along much better and I go to have him with me longer.

Its like trying to fight with a windstorm mr. She does not hear you at all plus when we respond we give them ammunition to use for next time. They now controlled you.

Anytime we respond to someones boloney we give them what they want and they got us. My mother taught me that. So I learned to not respond to ridiculous stuff.

Hope this helps some. Sorry you are having such a tough time. believe me with skills it can get better.

hugs, glad to see you keep coming!

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi frustrations,

I have an AW that is now 1 year sober. Before that, I had many experiences like you are relating. wine and vodka were the intoxcants of choice, drunk until she blacked out for the evening.

"I definitely have a lot of learning to do in the department of relaying my message rationally while under fire. "

I got to the point of not talking to my AW when she was drunk. She usually didn't remember it in the morning. And half the time she was still half drunk in the morning, so if I started anything controversial there would be huge arguments ensuing. Arguing with her when drunk was like the proverbial mud wrestling with a pig -got me all dirty, and the wife seemed to have a good time. Otherwise to me it was a form of enabling, in that she could keep me off balance and make me think I was just absolutely crazy.

"I'm curious to know how others deal with and/or respond when their A goes into a rage."

I would just walk away after awhile. there was absolutely no "winning" when we were in an argument. So I would detach and leave. Most of the time she was blacked out, but those times before and after blacking out she was on a hairtrigger. If you have little kids, I would take them somewhere else, out to the mall or to relative's or friend's house. I didn't allow my wife to have positive fruits from her rages or her blackouts. At first I would undress her to go to bed, but after awhile I let her just pass out, wake up with her clothes on, and try to figure out what the heck happened the night before. Any favor to show sympathy to her for being drunk is a form of enabling, because, even though it is very hard for her, she does have a choice as to whether to drink.

"My phone was blowing up with calls/texts from my in-laws yesterday. "

Does her family know what is going on? or do they just think she has crazy episodes. I finally pulled her mom (who is a functional alchoholic, so she thinks she is doing much better than her daughter) into it because I couldn't deal with it myself. It saved a lot of crazy phone calls from her wondering what the heck was going on.

"I guess the apology is a good sign that she actually realizes that her actions do, indeed, affect the family. "

It may or may not be. Until my wife was REALLY ready to get into recovery, my wife would manipulate me like crazy to be able to drink. Sober she is a very direct, forthright person, but once the alcohol took hold, she was a master manipulator. I learned to keep my very low expectations of any promises from her.

Lastly, we have a slogan that "nothing changes if nothing changes". Yes, your life is very hard, I understand completely. So what are you going to do about it? Your wife has a progresssive disease that may stabilize for a while, but it will always get worse, not better, without a determined effort to be in recovery. If your life revolves around that, your children will have two people drowning in a sea of alcohol. If you can go to Al Anon meetings, break the isolation that you are likely experiencing, you can get in a life raft and pull your kids in and weather the storm. it may be with or without her. But someone has to raise the kids, and right now, it seems it isn't going to be her.

I wish you well, keep coming back here, feel free to PM if you need, also feel free to attend an online meeting, and go to the chatroom, especially after meetings folsk hang around in there that have much experience in what you are dealing with.

Kenny

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