Message from my wife from rehab - Al-Anon Family Group

MooseWork · Member

Message from my wife from rehab

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Joe)) I am so sorry that this situation has evolved to this point . Every rehab I have been involved withhave always insitsed that I attend, even when I did not want to. They felt it important that they witness the interaction between us so they could offer positive feed back.

I would call the facility and speak to the counselors myself and get their feedback on the situation.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can understand your being blindsided by the counselors' determination that your being with her right now is not as helpful to her as no contact might be temporarily? Maybe it isn't helpful for you temporarily either? Her job is to save her life and maybe this is the best way for her to do that and it is a temporary thing? Maybe your job is to take good care of yourself, do what you are doing to keep the household running and the kids as healthy and happy as possible which can also be temporary help to you? Al-Anon meetings and Alateen meetings I know have been suggested to you. I do hope you will find the time to go and to encourage your children to go, too? Keep coming back here, too. You are one person and there is only so much you can endure, too. Sending you lots of encouragement to live one day at a time and work to avoid getting too hungry, too angry, too lonely, too tired. Its difficult not to feel judged by counselors who don't know you and don't really know your wife yet either. It might help to make an assets list as a supportive action in self-care for you? You sound ground down and a healthy dose of looking at yourself through kind and understanding eyes might take the edge off this new development? Maybe listing the ways you can be grateful for this new development might also be helpful to you?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 10th of December 2014 11:17:19 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 10th of December 2014 11:18:28 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 10th of December 2014 11:26:10 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 10th of December 2014 11:54:34 PM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Joe, welcome to MIP. You're in the right place.

Yes, I completely relate to the events in your post. We had been separated and living in separate residencies when my AH entered rehab. The counselor called me and asked questions. Like you, at the time I would have liked and preferred to work things out and expressed this to the counselor. Other wives of addicts in the rehab facility were given attention and included with a family recovery plan. When I found this out, I called the facility, but the counselor would not return my call. When I'd call back, I was told that he was busy, then after more calls, I was told that he didn't have time to speak with me and that the staff was too busy to develop a family plan, even after inquiring why some people had this opportunity. I guess the counselor made the decision not to consider me part of the process for whatever reason; but my AH and I were willing, so why this was not a choice for us remains another sad mystery in the story of the disease. My AH told me that he was told that he could not have a relationship with me and that I couldn't help/support him. Lost, I didn't understand how I could remain in a marriage when he could not have a relationship with me. From the way he said it, it sounded permanent. I was left thinking there was no choice. We divorced, but that is another story.

Now, if I could give my younger self advice, I would not have stopped there. I would recommend Alanon and working the steps with a sponsor- this is the most efficient way that I know how. I would talk with others and learn about different experiences, also contact other facilities to see how they handle things. Attending open AA meetings would have given me a lot more information regarding the disease and there would be people who would be able to provide further direction. I would want my younger self to know that it's ok to not react; to be patient because there is time for me to learn while my AH is trying to establish better footing in life and in AA. I wouldn't have had the expectations that I had, and who knows.... could have saved the marriage, or could have wound up the same way things unfolded.

When I came to the Alanon, I was told to give it a minimum of 6 months before making any major decisions. I thought that was crazy. I was wrong. The time goes by quickly, and there is so much to learn. Now, I've been in Alanon for a while and it has been a lifeline, despite what my exAH is doing or not doing, and things have improved. The program works. Keep coming back.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Joe, welcome to MIP

I hear ya, it seems its all about her her her and even in rehab its about her her her

I hope there are alanon meets and alateen meets for the kids and you b/c you are gonna go through LOTS of changes.....SHE is trying to save her life, and its gonna be rough road for her going through recovery, AA, (hopefully she goes to AA) and the fist couple of years can be tough b/c both of you need your respective 12 steps group....and for a while, it will be her working on her...you working on you and hopefully as you travel down this recovery road and she stays sober and in AA you can find each other again, and things will be different....if you both work your program, both of you will be different..even tho you dn't drink, you were impacted by it....you developed survival traits to cope, whether you see them or not....I do hope you will give alanon a shot....you won't be able to cope with her issues w/out your own network of support..........glad you reached out here.......IN SUPPORT

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Joe))))...to some degree and another we have all been there. Its all about progress and perfection never arrives. Your wife is talking to the counselors and you're not inputting so who are they listening to. Alcoholics and addicts are very manipulative and convincing and they say all counselors come from an enabling center and that is why they do what they do...want to fix. Course I was a therapist myself in a large recovery program and I did follow one of the suggestions given to me before I went into that profession. "If you want to be a good counselor ...you have to have a good counselor". Additionally I was in Al-Anon and came from the disease so I knew the jungle that addiction is and how to get around in it. I never took the word of a client straight on when they were blaming or judging a family member or significant other. I always had the family on hand individually and as a group. The suggestion of Al-Anon face to face meetings is so supportive and usually there is an Al-Anon group going on while the Alateens are meeting. From my experience in the program and as an Alateen sponsor. Sounds like you have a working understanding of the 1st step and are ready to do Step 2..."Came to believe that a power greater than our self could restore us to SANITY. Keep coming back. smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Hugs)))))) Joe,

I can understand how undermining this must feel for you. If I was in your situation I would feel as though no one was considering my own needs, in fact I might feel quite unseen. As I read the responses from others and saw the reminders that your wife is trying to save her life it made me think that perhaps this was one of those moments when Let Go and Let God applied. I was also reminded of the line 'and what are you going to do?'

My first reaction was that I think it is perfectly ok for you to speak to a counsellor at the centre to ask for clarification about this decision. I would try to ask that question without harbouring any expectations (which would be difficult because I know I would be wanting them to consider the needs of myself and my family as well). But in reality I think that your wife is their client and they will be trying to act in her best interests. It is difficult to shelve the resentment that this might cause, but for now, for you, I think that it is your life that matters and the more you can focus on yourself the better.

Is it possible to look at your situation, without factoring your wife in any way, so that you can identify ways that you can bring more enjoyment into your life rather than letting chores and work obliterate the pleasures that you and your children deserve?

One of the learning curves that I have struggled with since AH stopped drinking is to stop looking to him to reward me for things that I do that I think deserve rewards. Instead I give these rewards to myself - whilst it might be a bit manipulative of me, I intend to have a life that is so enjoyable and pleasing that AH, or anyone else for that matter, would not want to miss out on any of it (I am sure that you can hear my disease talking in that last comment by the way, but even so, the benefits are more helpful to me than feeling resentful would be - one step at a time!!).

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Most rehabs will try and talk clients into going into halfway. Their odds of relapse are higher if they go home and don't have that structure. So my guess may be that the center has told her she needs half way and that she will drink again at home because she can't handle the pressures and people still being upset with her and all that...and it will result in relapse. So...just because they may be recommending halfway doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Did they say you were unsupportive? Also, she is the primary client there and she can spin whatever story she wants when you aren't there.

They may also be telling her that so they get her to agree to stay longer and they milk your insurance longer. Not all these rehabs are on the up an up.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Even if she comes home, she isn't going to be able to handle "grown up" responsibilities, I would think. You'd have 4 teens on your hands rather than just 3. And I think its sometimes harder to deal with a female teen (sorry, sisters) than a male teen. We have expectations of using and not using As that aren't realistic for where they are in their recovery or lack thereof. Rehab isn't going to make her all better. If its a half way decent place, there are more of them than you to deal with what will be a lot of sideways behavior on her part. Drinking exacerbates what is already there but not dealt with at the time in my experience. When a person dries out, they can better deal with their isms with the help of other alcoholics or addicts who get it. I don't think the same as my x or my son thinks so its hard for me as a recovering codependent to be as helpful to a person with this disease because honestly I haven't been there and can't relate to the degree another addict or alcoholic can relate. I can better relate to those affected by codependency issues because I have been there, done that and they have, too. Alcoholics don't get us either and we're better off healing with people who do get us. I have alcoholic sibs who have told me at times that I act like a nun because I won't drink. Trying to recover with them would be just as difficult for me as their trying to recover with my "help."

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of December 2014 09:39:39 AM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Again Joe, in thinking over this situation, I was reminded that the counselors at my husband's rehab told me that he would never stop drinking and would die from alcoholism. He did stop drinking and stayed in recovery until he died from cancer six years later.

In a different rehab the counselors told me that my son was well on his way to recovery and that I did not have to worry about him at all. He died of alcoholism two years later.

I guess the reason for telling this is that rehabs do the best they can with this cunning and baffling disease. The best we can do is take care of ourselves and continue with Al-Anon.

Many prayers for you and your family.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Joe, hey we have no idea what she tells this counselor. Also never believe what an A says is my thing. The counselor has NO right to tell you to do anything or make any judgements of you. How dare he or she.

What matters is you are caring for your kids and home! You are stable. It takes years for an A to really stay on program and develop into the adult they are.

I am sorry it has not gone as you want. As far as her seeing anything, it may take a long time if ever that an A will.

Just does not matter. What matters is YOU. It may be time to detach from her, allow her to go do whatever she is. She does not want to include you, so let her have her way. Then work on your own family! If the kids don't want to see her, I would allow them to make that decision.

Does not matter how she sees you or circumstances as she has made it clear she does not consider you part of her.

We care about how people who love us see us, ones who show their love and share in appropriate ways. Do you need her anger, vileness, hateful words?

To me your kids need you, you need you. Do fun things, I always invite people to think about a pizza night, even if you guys make your own together, a game board night, movie and popcorn night. A day somewhere to go walk. do you guys have a dog or dogs? takem and go walking and hiking. Develop you and kiddo's own lives and make some memories!

Have a let each child think of night or day. I was a widow, my kids and I had a day trip every week end. and sometimes we went on overnights.

I would be involving the kids in the home chores.Teach them to be part of it. They can do wash, fold cloths, clean kitchen bathroom. My mother did it with us and it was fun.Saturdays we all cleaned together then went somewhere or went to friends homes.

I guess what I am saying is I invite you to make a happy home without her. Her choice.

YOu are a great dad and person!!! I can tell you, when my dad took me to get my own dog when I was very depressed, it changed my life. YOu and kids having a good dog to take care of and play with would sooth them. Like a lab mix etc so it is a happy ez dog.

anyway hugs, keep coming. YOU are doing fine

btw. how to feel or think? that is your answer, you don't know right now. that is ok. i put it in the back of my mind and I live my life. believe me clarity will come. Just like when we go thru any loss, we feel all mixed up,next thing ya know we make goals and move on the best we can as we are healing. I have been where you are as far as loss.ugh it hurts! Been a year or more for me. Yes i miss him, but i have my own life now, had to let all my dreams go. Is it ok, still hurts. takes time. one foot in front of other, day at a time!

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 11th of December 2014 03:25:47 PM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Joe, I dont have experience of this. Rehab isnt that common here where I live. I dont really get how taking someone out of their lives, away from their families will help In the long run. Im no expert but surely the person needs to build resilience so how can sheltering them help them get the coping skills? Also, how can another person have such an influence over another persons marriage? I dont get the philosophy.
Im sorry your gojng through this. Working those hours sound very unhealthy. Alanon meetings will get you a healthier perspective and is about your healing. We who live or have lived wit alcoholism are affected and we have symptoms that need worked on for ourselves, our children, all relationships.

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