giving our power away - Al-Anon Family Group

aquamom23 · Senior Member

giving our power away

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

oh yea, i hear songs, see movies, etc., you tubing and oh yea, people giving away their power.....i see stuff through alanon eyes, now and its amazing the difference i see..........i so agree w/you......in support

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned that there is so much more to life and living and loving than having an SO. I have been much happier since 1979 being single than I ever was involved with a partner. I think that happiness and freedom is due to having a relationship to a HP who has brought me more joy and self-fulfillment than a man could ever do.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Yes grateful. I agree. I have come to see marriage as a spiritual union few are capable of undertaking. I can't remember why I wanted a husband now, not when it comes to the practicalities. I remember feeling accomplished, pleased, and never having to ask for permission to spoil myself or my kids. Now, I look around the world and its society and frankly I think women always have to compromise in union, its very one sided and I choose not to accept that. That whole men will be (boys) men attitude,really rips both genders off. Not that I dont appreciate and love the males in my life, I just think our societal values are unsupportive of respectful exchanges in many ways. Out of balance.Nesh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one alanon eyeing pop culture lol! Xx

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I know why I did. I'd been programmed to believe that marriage was the crowning glory of respectability and status for a woman. Needless to say, some 44 years post marriage, I can say with all certainty - "What a crock." For me, it was a miserable experience and I wouldn't ever want to repeat it. I've known a few happily married women in my lifetime and not enough to convince me that's what I want for me again. And none of my close friends have been married to alcoholics out of all those marriages I've witnessed in my lifetime with only a few being happy and well matched. The husbands are mostly content and the women - not so much.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of December 2014 12:47:16 AM

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

Aquamom ....I don't think that is strange at all...when my ex-A told me that our relationship must be "True Love" like the Pink song that gave me a glimpse into his distorted thinking.

I think my actually words were that song is about abuse!!!

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Yep. My mother I think hinted over the years at what I think we all come to know,whether accepted or not.she has been made the pariah of her foo for that,yet is the aunt each child seeks. Having daughters all I can think is to teach them self respect.hopefully with enough of it, they will not linger with those who don't match that beleif.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

There's another one by one d I think, you can just borrow my heart. Its a coda anthem for sure, Truth. Like the hearts a pair of jeans. Our poor young people, I know it gets said every generation....i feel for them.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
I have learned that there is so much more to life and living and loving than having an SO. I have been much happier since 1979 being single than I ever was involved with a partner. I think that happiness and freedom is due to having a relationship to a HP who has brought me more joy and self-fulfillment than a man could ever do.

it would be nice to have someone healthy and a friend as well as the romantic end, but i don't see it in my lifetime again...at my age??? naaw, so i just accept its me and my pets....and what friends i can hang out with......as i connect w/me, its not the best way, (life is easier w/2 pulling the wagon) but i would rather be single then miserable with someone who is toxic........just my take....i think i am burned out of the sharing w/a mate thingy.....

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I hear you. Each of your shares reminded me of my reasons for deciding, after my hubby passed, to never remarry. I do have a male companion for over 27 years. He is also an alanon member and we share as equal in all our undertakings , trips etc.

Using program tools we are able to "Travel along Singing our Song Side BY Side" . It is fun.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Cute, cute, cute, Betty.

On the 2 pulling a wagon, Nemesha, after working with others for years, I'd much rather do that with a woman than a man as a partner in a particular work. I'm heterosexual so that wouldn't be in a romantic way but I notice I got much more completed and completed well with women than I did with men. It drove me nutz to sit at meetings with men who wanted to talk and table, talk and table while looking for someone else to do the work they didn't want to do versus sitting with a group of committed women who knew the task, divided the task into parts according to what each could do well, went out to do their part and then came back to a meeting to report on their progress. There was a time in my working history when the board was discussing a retirement package for me. One of our member's terms was up at that time and he left when the process began. Two years later he returned to the board where the board was still discussing my retirement package. I can still remember him getting red in the face and saying to the board: "Are you still working on this? You were doing this when I left. Give me the job. I'll take care of it." Him, I'd want on my team! I like men and I like working with healthy women more.

Thanks for the thread, aquamom. Gave me a lot to think about and share.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of December 2014 09:52:57 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of December 2014 09:54:09 AM

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Interesting topic and yes, I think Hollywood in general shows things that are fairy tale land and that many songs are about giving yourself away to another completely only to have your soul stomped on. I hate that my son likes to listen to comtemporary music because it's sometimes really sad to me.

As for marriage, I loved being married and I could still see myself in a marriage some day in the future. I have learned a lot about myself and I know that I LOVE men(or maybe I'm just missing sex these days and am just missing that part, LOL?) and what a healthy male can add to our lives. Now, is there one healthy enough out there in the future that I could get along with? Only God knows that. So, for today, I focus on ending my current marriage, continuing to work on getting healthy and right with my HP(God), so that I won't be focused on whether I need a man or not. No more giving away my soul or my heart unless someone comes along (and this goes for friendships with women, too) who values it and who treats me as I deserve to be treated.

It's funny what Grateful shared about only knowing a handful of women who are happily married. I know a LOT of women AND men who are happily married. All ages and all lengths of marriage. What I see in each of those relationships is respect and caring and putting a Higher Power at the center of their relationship and that both spouses contribute to the spiritual health of the union. Oh, and quite a few of them are second marriages, too, including my mom and my aunt. They learned the mistakes from their first marriages and have both moved on to 20 plus years with new men and new happiness. My mom and her husband have been together for 25 years now and they still sit on top of each other on the couch grabbing at each other, they still have spontaneous hugs and kisses(which drive my son crazy when grandmom gets all PDA'd in front of him), and yet they also know how to give each other space while also supporting each other's individuality and hobbies, etc.

My grandparents were married for 67 years before he passed this summer and they set the best example of how to make a marriage work and these are my grandmother's words, "THE WOMAN RULES THE ROOST!" LOL, and she did and he loved it and loved her for it, LOL.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Andromeda: Could be the difference in our ages that explains the different perspectives? A lot of the happy couples I knew in my 40s divorced later or died and the wives said they didn't want to marry again? My perspective in my 40s changed over time to the perspective I now have on the downside of 65.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think a lot of it is to do with youth as well. When your young love is all dramatic and unhealthy really and young music reflects this. The deeper stuff is out there if you look. I cant relate much to what 20 + pop singers sing about these days. Its all very dramatic.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful, I don't know really, that's possible. Yet, my stepmother is 65 and is now dating and loving life. My dad passed away 3 years ago and she did some casual dates with men just for dinner and companionship first, but she's now found a man whom she loves and is looking to start a new life with him. My husband's aunt lost her husband at 62 about 6 years ago and she is now in a committed dating relationship and enjoying him and traveling, etc. Not sure if she'll marry again but they are considered a 'couple' and have been together for 2 years now.

To each their own, right? Of course, I'm sure my hormones are driving the bus right now, LOL!!!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I sat with this one awhile before jumping in and I don't really know where my typing will take me. To summarize, my husband and I have been in recovery jointly for maybe 7 years, longer for me. For 20 some years while he was using, every month (when I was hormonal smile ), I wanted a divorce. Most of those years were unhappy. Now, most of our time together is enjoyable, loving and friendly. I can say, as long as we are both working our programs, I am happy, most of the time, to be married to him. There are times, though, that I wonder what the hell I am doing married and maybe I should get out "now". The times I am most in love with him involve watching him with our grandchildren; he has a huge heart and adores the kiddos. The times I least like him is when he lets fundamental Christian untruths confuse him as to how he should be and act in a marriage. Not only are we collectively affected by the lyrics of songs, we are also affected by religious teachings that have been twisted to suit a patriarchal structure, minimizing the worthiness of women.

I have a pretty rich life that includes doing things with my husband and doing things without my husband. I know I will be great if my marriage ended, yet, I hope it does not!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Music helps me to get raw emotions to the surface. soooo I don't listen much, unless I am ready. ugh

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

On the subject of giving our power away - you might be interested in reading www.pragueexperience.com and Easter activities. The website is fairly new and yet the thinking that goes into the writing of this article and the tradition that is celebrated in a way that is threaded through with what to me is a set up for generations of alcoholism and giving away our power to bizarre thought patterns. I found this website in an effort to find Christmas traditions that are famous in various countries and cities. I read the article about Easter because I enjoyed reading the Christmas activities in this locale.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of December 2014 06:37:06 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of December 2014 06:38:57 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

A painted egg is the reward for whipping and dousing...I am shaking me head and getting angry.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

But, don't forget, PP - "It's good for the girls," and the boys get liquor, too! confuse And this webpage wasn't created 100 years ago. This is contemporary thinking - at least of the author's - and it didn't come out of just their head. They were taught it. Ridiculous! Celebrating abuse of young women and giving young boys the right to treat them that way followed by liquor given by the adults! Sick, sick, sick.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of December 2014 06:46:51 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 11th of December 2014 06:47:48 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

And it is blindly accepted/followed....just like we blindly follow/accept crap.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Or used to - biggrin . I wonder how many of the girls who participate in this festive abuse are questioning it and how many boys are thinking they don't like how alcohol makes them feel? I hope Al-Anon and AA are in that locale for when those who question the norms and want to make healthy changes. Maybe we should fly there for Christmas market and pass out informationals on both programs and the website at MIP?

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Excellent topic! I laughed when reading your post, I can picture you listening to the music and doing a double-take.... hey, is this singer kidding or what!!!??? I'm still working on what it means to keep my power, but since working Alanon, I've had some great improvement!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.