The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wellll .. interesting weekend .. kids found out Saturday after not seeing their dad for 8 weeks I think its been that he's getting married the 2nd weekend of January. Going to be interesting is putting it mildly .. they picked a non visitation weekend first off and the kids haven't met her yet nor did they want to until the new year. All of this information was dropped on them during the last 10 min of lunch.
All I can say is I'm soooo grateful that baby I'm soooo back .. what I mean by that is I have always had a very strong inner voice and during this marriage I had shut it down. My crystal ball is cracked however when I'm on the way I have been recently I'm here to tell you things go boom baby.
It had been bothering me since he text them (not calling) to say he would meet them where ever they wanted for lunch. Fine whatever .. I just had this feeling that something more was up. As we pulled into the parking lot of the place they were meeting .. my daughter was getting out of the car and I stopped her, looked at both of the kids and said .. I'm just telling you both .. it's not going to surprise me if he tells you he's getting married very soon.
Lunch lasted all of 40 min .. when my daughter text to say they were done .. I made sure she was ok and she said she was totally fine. I picked them up and she was looking at me dumbfounded .. I said OMGOSH .. when is he getting married? I was right wasn't I. She was way to funny .. umm .. yes .. you know mom .. you are really kind of scary at times. ESPECIALLY recently! I laughed and said .. I guess it's time to play the lotto!
Anyway, needless to say he has not contacted them one time since dropping this news. I'm not going to be the one to contact him. Of course it's the kids job to let me know what has gone down .. LOL. NOT! I'm praying hard right now to have the right words and circumstances. I have ONE objection and that is if his BFF from high school shows up .. this guy is DISGUSTING .. this is the guy that when my ex and I split up he was texting me and coming on to me. I had firmly told him to stop and literally his last text to me was just sooo inappropriate it was ridiculous .. anyway, my last text to him was letting him know the next time he contacts me I will be calling the police. I had to take at min 4 showers to feel any kind of clean after that .. ugh. I have already expressed to my ex that if I found out he took the kids around this guy that there would be hell to pay. I actually saved those texts for the simple fact I had that feeling I might need them .. I haven't looked at them since then .. I did save them. Well guess who's back in contact .. gotta love a small town. Even though it's not visitation weekend .. I feel that the kids should be there for their dad .. this will be a woman they have literally met maybe 1x before the wedding.
I'm concerned how this may or may not go down for the kids .. so I have lots to digest.
As far as, am I ok? As one girlfriend said and I am in complete agreement .. LOL .. I give him to you GLADLY!! Please remind him to leave us alone!! LOL! I think because I had such a strong feeling about what he was going to talk to them about .. I had already been mentally preparing so it hasn't hit yet. I do not want him back .. I do not miss our "family" .. I'm more angry that he's appearing to step in and take credit for 3 years worth of work I have done.
I'm really ok .. and I'm soooo grateful for all of you here and the Alanon program.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm really doing ok for the most part .. LOL .. I have shot myself in the foot a couple of times however .. oh well .. at some point I will stop self sabotaging .. ugh. It's going slowly but surely. Part of the issue is I'm going to have to start figuring out how to better use my time.
YES on the book .. I'm three chapters in at the moment.
I think the greatest joy I have is laughing more, loving more and just living the best that I can.
I'm way excited over my mini make over that had already been planned thank you .. LOL. Plus I'm going to get some additional piercings. Just in the ears nothing more .. LOL .. AND I am going to start shooting pool again I'm hoping it's not on Tuesday nights all the time .. boooo. LOL. I'm glad because I'm going with a good friend of mine so I will feel comfortable walking into a new place.
So there is really a lot of things that are going on for just me .. it's finding the time.
My job is going great and I love that .. it's keeping me way busy at the moment. It's hard too. Learning all kinds of new stuff, some days my brain doesn't want to work right.
Other than that it's all good. It is what it is .. and it's the best that I can do.
There are a couple of hiccups at the moment that I think I can take care of pretty easy .. it is just finding the time to do so.
Thankfully, as long as he's "happy" then things I think should be ok for a while .. if they would just last until my youngest turns 18 that would be even better .. LOL!
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
This news doesn't come as a surprise and it may not happen either. If it does, it probably won't last very long. Regardless, I'm glad you have been able to let go some now and feel some different feelings that you have described as positive for you. It must be a head spinner for the kids? Prayers for all, Serenity.
It was a lot harder on my youngest than I realized .. he just got done verbalizing why couldn't his dad prepared them better for this news .. I have to be honest .. I don't think we are divorced yet because no decree has been signed or entered in to the courts .. soooo NOT my issue .. and NO parenting class taken .. that's the law in the state we live in .. soooo .. all I can say .. is Lucy gonna have some splainin' to do ..
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My daughter had to deal with her AD remarrying and it was not easy for her either. He told her he wanted to bring her somewhere special, so he took her to an AA meeting and introduced her to his fiancee, complete with rock on finger. Smooooth! Children typically romanticize their parents reuniting and a marriage shatters that alleged potential. I told her every day that she is loved and safe and has many wonderful things to look forward to. Sending prayers to you and your children.
It doesn't surprise me either....my son had to find a new enabler as soon as possible but as you know it didn't last long when the new girl found out about the problems my son had. I felt sorry for her.
Prayers for your children that they will come to terms and understand how sick their daddy is..
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I'm sorry, SRUS that it was hard on your youngest. I know that when my alcoholic father went out and found another woman quickly (like 1 month after my parents filed for divorce) I was happy for him. It meant he'd leave me alone. I was 19 at the time and ready to be on my own and away from his insanity, even though I didn't even recognize that fact until I myself was married to an A.
And, for what it's worth, I did NOT want my parents back together and neither did my sister who was 11 at the time. We were both glad that our alcoholic father had moved on.
And, what's funny today is that I am still very close to my stepmother even though I disliked her when my dad first married her. Saturday was the 3 year anniversary of my dads death so I called her to see how she was doing. We talked for an hour. She was always a voice of reason in my life and we became close through the years.
Praying for your children, this is a tough transition. Hugs to you, too!!!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I REALLY hope this woman has a good heart .. that is what I am all about at this point. The kids and I have been praying for her since we heard they were dating. I am very unsure how I feel about the kids being a part of the wedding only because he's been dating this woman for 8 months and they have never met her. I just think it would be to much. My son is doing much better today. It's just hard to watch them both process what is going on. He's a live wire to say the least .. love these kiddo's.
My mom made the suggestion that possibly waiting until after the marriage would be a good thing. I still have time to pray and think. He's such an idiot. A sick one .. still .. an idiot none the less. I do question her level of sanity of marrying a man who's kids she's never met and have literally not jumped up and down with fun waiting to go and see him. I can only imagine the story telling that has been going on and obviously if he REALLY wanted the kids there he would have had the wedding on a visitation weekend. He did not. He doesn't really want the kids there .. or it would have been differently scheduled.
It's so not my monkey's it's not my circus .. so just hang out and watch the fireworks.
Hugs S :)
PS - In the meantime I choose not to engage him at all.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
SRUS...maybe you can take her to an Al-Anon meeting? Be good for her to know where to find help when the crap hits the fan. The disease is progressive and it has no prejudices at all. ((((hugs))))
You know Jerry I'm in a lose lose situation. I can only imagine the stories that have been told about me so I think it's just best for me to be available when the poop hits the fan and keep my mouth shut. It took me a long time to learn I only need to stand in my truth. It's totally out of my hands. The kids and I honestly pray for her. I'm sure it's not an accident that the wedding is on a non visitation day. A healthy person wouldn't be making these wild decisions the way he is .. I have heard there is a 90 day waiting period and that won't be until after the 15th. And I don't know honestly If our divorce is on the books or not .. It's just so not my issue. So the less I say about anything the better.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
On the subject of the divorce being on the books, in my case I was given a copy of the divorce decree as was my x and I'm fairly certain our creditors although that was long time ago. I would think you'd have a copy of the legal proceedings if the divorce was declared finalized?
That wasn't much of a reality suggestion from me...kinda like a wild weird imaginative thought. I pouted and gave myself a slap on the back of the head on it so you or my sponsor won't have to....such and enabler. ((((hugs))))
I had an interesting conversation with my atty and in the name of waiting until things are all said and done I can't share much except to say .. yes .. I am divorced, the decree is not signed however it's been agreed to .. it's a weird thing .. the things that are reserved are 401k, child support as well as there was one other thing .. atty fees. I think things are looking like I'm going to be ok on all fronts. His doing .. he will not be happy when this all rolls out.
Now .. as far as the wedding .. I continue to check my motives and every single person has said NO .. not appropriate. I hate to say the people that matter because I value everyone's opinion .. my atty, the kids, myself, their therapist and so on all are going WTH is wrong with him. Based upon how he chose to tell them and how much time HE'S chosen to spend with them .. that is COMPLETELY ON HIM. No judge is going to say I'm an unreasonable person for saying umm this is not in the best interests of the kids.
On a lighter note .. there is nothing like having a plain clothed jack wagon of a cop come in and start crap .. UGH .. long story short .. I'm just a lot less likely to put up with a lot .. LOL .. thankfully I'm nice and entertaining .. LOL. Seriously we play the game what will Serenity say at work today and how much will people laugh. LOL.
Once Mr. JW was done being a JW .. he decided he should back down and apologize "for being a jerk" .. me being me and I'm all about validating someone's feelings .. hey he said it not me .. yes, you were a jerk .. thank you for apologizing for your inappropriate behavior. I appreciate it. Now .. please realize .. after the 3rd repeat and shocked look on this man's face .. he left .. LOL .. who knows what he was thinking .. I don't care .. I just know he seriously ticked me off. I said everything with a smile on my face. I didn't call him a jerk .. he did that on his own .. LOL. Don't come into my house and mess with my kids. My kids are defined as anyone I could have given birth to .. LOL .. turns out there are a few at work. Anyway, that is one prized moment out of about 50 - 100 .. my word no one leaves my window without a smile.
So after the laughter calmed in the office .. the youngest co worker turned to me with a look of shock and awe and said .. umm .. you know you just do not know what is going to be said in this office it is just that real .. LOL. The older gal just shook her head and said only you. It has been decided I'm the star of a new show ^&**% my co-worker says. I told them I have way to much material.
So work has been a blast, and it has become a running joke as to what is the greatest new line for the day. I never know what I'm going to say before I say it. LOL.
I passed on meeting tonight I'm just exhausted and I have a very big day .. may try and get some piercings done .. hair is going seriously dramatic! BIG change! Tomorrow .. woot woot!!
Hugs all, S :)
PS - Jerry .. I think there is that innate sense of seeing the accident and saying umm there is a huge train wreck coming please don't get in the way .. the reality is .. sometimes that train wreck needs to happen .. I just don't want my kids getting the brunt of it all.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I tried to warn my husband's second wife - she wouldn't listen. They never do. She was sharing how she just couldn't understand how I could divorce such a king of a guy. I said, "You and I have interacted quite a bit together, P. By now you have an idea of who I am. Do I strike you as a woman who would just decide on a divorce for really silly reasons?" 8 months later he walked out on her pregnant with her daughter after multiple months of emotional abuse, accusing her of having affairs and saying their baby wasn't his. Nothing new to me. He just didn't beat her or the other things he did to me physically. Probably because she was different than me in that she was not one who would have allowed that without striking back in a way he would feel. After he walked on her, she and I didn't have to talk about anything. Her questions about me divorcing him had all been answered.
I think your concern about whether she's a person with a good heart who will be nice to your kids is valid. Sounds like your atty has things in place for your kids best interest concerning your divorce. Keep sending good energy in their direction, the rest will take care of itself. You're done and moving on. Case closed. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Yup .. no warning from me because there is no point to it. If she seeks me out that would be different, I would do a lot of listening and recommend Alanon. It's just not my business. I do feel strongly about that part of the deal. Sick is as sick does .. that's all I'm saying .. LOL.
I make plans and God seriously has a good laugh .. it did work out well .. I did not get my hair done .. people who know and love me know my sleeping is all over the board so I got a text from my hairdresser at 230am and another girlfriend of mine going through some stuff text me at 330am .. LOL .. I was having very weird dreams is putting it mildly because I kept hearing my phone. LOL!! Anyway, I went and got Christmas shopping done and I'm sooo glad I did this .. it was fun. I am planning on doing a little self care in the AM .. I may get my nails done and get started on my piercings. I'm also learning a new language so I am working on that end of things. Anyway, I chatted a bit with my girlfriend and boo hoo'd about my canceled appointment .. LOL .. I just want the gal to feel better it's a lot on the plate to say the least as a working hairdresser not an easy job!!
I have a dream trip I want to take in a few years we will see how that goes exactly. HA .. God is funny!!
My daughter's boyfriend's parents took both of the kids today and this is the first day in months literally .. I have had a break of this length .. I'm soooo grateful. That's why I could get shopping done!!! I will finish in the early morning tomorrow and call it a holiday! I still have a few people to shop for however not many.
What a difference a year makes .. HA .. a year and a divorce although my divorce date won't be until the decree I know that is weird .. however that's how the law is written .. go figure.
XAH is in BIG trouble with the courts .. over stupid stuff .. so we will see.
NOt my circus not my monkey's .. ohhhh .. can't wait to take the kids to see the HOBBIT!!! WOOT WOOT!!! Soooo looking forward to that .. I also got a 3ft Charlie Brown tree .. LOL .. we will have fun decorating tomorrow. I'm going to start getting stuff wrapped and up under the tree.
Hugs all I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday .. this time of year it is so easy to get caught in regrets .. there is so much good stuff out there regardless of the pain that is swirling .. focus on that good .. it really is everywhere.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
And this Christmas, you'll have Waterford crystal to make your Christmas even more sparkly in your new role as a single woman who is free of divorce court visits.
Alcoholics need enablers....bad. I'm guessing 99 percent that this is what is driving him getting married this fast. He probably cannot even make a grilled cheese sandwich and wipe his own butt. And I'm sure you are imagining the story telling correctly. I'm quite sure there are tons of stories about how his evil ex turned his own children against him and tried to take everything from him even when he was injured, sick, lost his job, when his mother was sick....that evil ex woman only wanted his money and to turn his kids against him. So this poor woman gets lots of attention and affection (for now) for validating that bullcrap and stroking his ego. Women who are stupid actually like to hear about a "b#tch ex because they think it means they are loved all the more in comparison and then have nothing to be jealous of and that they are so great because they get to hear how they do everything so much better and nicer than my evil ex. Any smart woman would be like "Um...shut up. I don't care about your ex. You have way too much baggage. Fix your life and date later. Bye."
Sounds like my husband's alcoholic father who also had to be forced to pay for his kids and was married 4 more times after the divorce from his mom. When he died earlier this year, everyone showed up at the funeral but nobody was really sad. One of his brothers actually pissed on his father's grave....literally. In the end, he could never get sober and went to rehab 2 times. He could never live by himself well at all and was miserable. He left each of his kids 10 dollars so they could not challenge the will and left the rest of his estate to his grandkids as he wanted to send a revenge message to his children that they all disappointed him when really it was him that was a disappointment to everyone else. Of course by the end my husbands mother had happily remarried a NASA rocket scientist (whom she's still married to going on 30some years) and become wildly financially successful in her own right while, in comparison, he lost his car dealership and half the "fortune" he was wielding over everyone most his life. Tragic. He did still have a big house at the end, but he died in it alone with no family around him due to his own alcoholic and narcissistic behaviors.
I am by far not perfect .. Lol .. The pressure .. Self imposed pressure is to much to deal with .. I hope someday to make amends face to face .. Definitely not today lol. I'm in such a better place .. Ran into my old landlord the other day and she was going on about how happy he looked .. She's divorcing as well .. I think a year ago that would have hurt .. Not today. Good for him .. It is superficial and it will take one moment for him to head back down that same path. I'm just trying to do things different sometimes quickly .. sometimes slowly .. Lol. I'm ok and that's a good thing. If I Have the majority of the pieces can put the pieces together? it will be awesome! Pink you are spot on I figure he has to get married or this woman is going to figure him out!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am glad you are doing great!