The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I reached puberty, my Mom and Dad had a host of little people to care for and to raise. My Mom, an untreated ACOA, was driven by the need to do everything perfectly. Our Christmases looked like they had been put together by a large team of elves and our house looked like something out of Good Housekeeping. Cookies and candy were all made from scratch and special breads baked in sterilized soup cans that my Mom decorated for teachers and neighbors. Our diningroom and livingroom were piled high with wrapped gifts that Tiffany's or Martha Stewart's team might have wrapped by Christmas Eve. On Christmas morning there were Santa's toys, books, bikes and other things placed in front of the neatly designed and ordered piles of packages for a host of people. We spent hours taking our turns opening our packages one by one. Because Mom had spent so much time making Christmas beautiful, by Christmas morning she was also irritable and unreasonable. By Christmas Day night she was often raging. We learned to act surprised and happy even if we weren't surprised and happy. If we didn't behave in a manner my Mom was looking to see, there was hell to pay. Neither of my parents were alcoholics but each had an alcoholic or troubled drinker parent. That was a set up for me to become a people pleaser to avoid my Mom's raging as best I could and my siblings practiced that, too.
Sometimes, I'm not sure that my work in Al-Anon has actually made a positive difference in my own family given the reality of my son's relapse and some health issues my daughter has that probably have their start not only because of genes but because her life started with an active A and a codependent Mom. Recently, we celebrated my daughter's birthday. My daughter and I sat side by side at the diningroom table. My grandson sat opposite the both of us. We finished her requested favorite meal and then watched her open her gifts. I had chosen some earrings for her that I wasn't sure she'd like but I was willing to see if she might. She didn't like them. She said so. She also told me what she would have preferred in the earring department. My grandson watched all this. Then he said: "I can't get over how honest you both are being! You aren't worried about hurting Nana's feelings, Mom. You aren't upset because Mom doesn't like 'em, Nana." I knew from what he saw and what he said that yes, Al-Anon has made a difference in our family. It just isn't always obvious.
Christmas is an opportunity for me to practice what my Mom didn't know how to practice. I loved our Christmas celebrations. I also learned that I can spoil it or any other special festive day if I'm giving to get and not just giving because it's fun for me to do it. Fearlessly checking my motives is a big help and goes a long way in helping me be a safe and easy person to be with at those times. I am my Mom in many ways. I am also not my Mom thanks to the program. I loved all the energy Mom put into the making Christmas the most spectacular event it was for our family. I just wish she could have enjoyed it more herself. She was a good person with tremendous talents and skills and a mind that could re-design the most horrible structure into a beautiful palace. And she was driven by that underlying perfectionism and the need to be approved, appreciated and loved in ways she expected while all the time she was already approved, appreciated and loved - she just couldn't see it and we couldn't help her see it no matter how hard we tried or worked side by side with her. Al-Anon helps me see what my beloved and very tired Mom could not see. It also helps me be honest with myself and therefore with others and often them with me.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 7th of December 2014 10:07:49 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 7th of December 2014 10:19:49 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 7th of December 2014 10:21:36 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 7th of December 2014 10:22:21 AM
Your story rings true of my life as well. My Mom, still alive and in her 80's, still insists on large gift giving Christmas Eve/Day dinners with piles of gifts that each member of the family opens one by one. None of the family feels the piles of gifts and the expense is necessary to have a wonderful holiday together. We tried to change it one year and she nearly had a nervous breakdown, she felt we had ruined 50 years of family tradition and it was the worst Christmas she had every had. So we went back to the piles of gifts.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
We're twins, Debb. We couldn't help Mom let go either of some of what she did no matter what we tried. I learned just to live and let live and get my kids to their Dad's house before the Christmas Day night raging that I knew was on its way until about a year or two before she died and we'd go to my brother's house to eat Christmas dinner.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 7th of December 2014 10:46:32 AM
The beginning of your story did sound perfect...I could see me sitting in the wonder of Christmas fanstasyland, then the shadow of the heaviness of your mom's perfectionism brought me out of my Sunday story happyland. I imagine how this was when you were a kid. Maybe the wonder and magic was mixed in with the heaviness of perfectionism, resulting in anxiety over what was to come? It is easy to see how people pleasing was born for your survival. This was not my experience, but it does help me to understand my husbands anxieties around the holidays and his conflicts around having the perfect lights outside/on the tree and lots of presents under the tree. He asked me if I minded if he did not put up lights this year and my response was, "hell no, and it is possible we may not even have a tree"! We are still living in the mess of the flood and our furniture is still everywhere but in its most suited spot. As long as we can have my family over for homemade spaghetti and meatballs on Christmas eve and have gifts to give, we are good.
Recovery and healing are apparent in the honesty that was shared at your daughters birthday. Your grandson received a gift of observing and sharing what he observed in a safe, loving space. I would say that is what most want and do not have...well done beautiful Nana. hugs...
I love that you told your hubby, hell, no on the outside lighting thing! I love that he trusts you and loves you enough to ask you how you'd feel about it if he didn't put them up. I'm also happy to see that you are also giving yourself permission to consider not putting up a tree which is a lot of work to get up and to take down. You've got so much on your plate now with the "remodel." And of course, with el cee flying in for the holidays, we'll have to keep our energy up for both celebrating this fun time together with our families and taking her on a play adventure. I'm not sure if there'll be a lot of glass markers left by the time we get together since grandson and I have each drawn some Christmas trees on my kitchen windows this morning. But, maybe we can pick some up on sale and make some window magic of our own when elcee comes in. Until her visit, your choice to simply be present in love with your family on Christmas Eve sharing gifts and an Italian feast sounds magical and very Christmas-y to me with or without a tree.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 7th of December 2014 06:23:26 PM
Oh God, I might be your Mother except for the cookies and the perfection of it all, I was trying to be your Mother. I kind of just realised the reason for my discomfort at this time of year, despite the fact my own Mother died 10 years ago today, so December has been a bit uncomfortable for years. The main reason is my shortcoming, the dreaded perfectionism. What an awful poisonous unrelenting devil of a shortcoming. I cant believe the power it has to ruin things for so many people. I love how you have dealt with it and how you and your daughter are examples of people who have conquered it. I hope I am there one day. Thanks for your share.x
I still catch myself being perfectionist about things, el cee, especially when I've fallen into believing I'm not good enough again. I agree that that is an unrelenting devil of a shortcoming and fortunately, we are both learning how to say "thank you for sharing" to it. Our assets list has been a life-saver for me with this destructive perfectionism as has progress not perfection. We are both getting better at deciding "how important is" our health and serenity and dropping what really isn't necessary in expressing our love. My Mom was a great teacher in so many ways - some more fun than others. If she had found Al-Anon perhaps she could have enjoyed Christmas more. Yet, she didn't and maybe both our parents helped us get here ourselves? I do hope your Christmas is merrier and brighter this year, elcee. You sure help bring merriment and light into my life.
PS - The best time to fly in here would probably be a day or two after Christmas when prices seem to drop but sales are still on? I celebrate Christmas until January 6th, so we can still have some Christmas fun with Paula and maybe watch the ball drop - or not - on New Year's Day and then do some more fun after that, too!
Lovely reflection Catherine I can so identify!! My mom was also a perfectionist and by the time Christmas Day arrived she was angry, upset and in tears the entire day. We children learned how to enjoy our day and more or less ignore her temper tantrums .
I remember resolving, at a very young age to NEVER react and act as mom did. I made a conscious effort to learn new ways but before alanon I know I was just whistling in the wind. My inner turmoil was the same as mom's although I did not let it peculate out into the world .
Thanks to alanon tools I have truly learned how to enjoy the holiday, live in the moment shed the pain from Christmas past and live in the joy of the moment What a gift this is
Thanks everyone for these shares. Brought memories back for me. My mum playing pretend perfect family Christmas each year! Horrible and tense. She and my A dad split up when I was young but for some utterly insane reason, they still got together each Christmas and we went away as a pretend happy family for the week. Hideous.
I shall be enjoying a very quiet and peaceful Christmas in my own home this year, with a few quiet and sane events with my friends.
Thank you for the excellent example of the program at work! Also, it's especially great timing with the holidays approaching- to give thought how I can work my program better for a serene holiday.
I wished I had a good life growing up and the holiday's nice but it wasn't like that for me. My mom died when I was 8 and my step mom was a step mom from hell. I never enjoyed the holidays. When I married and had my son I over did it to the point my son was without nothing. He was spoil rotten. Now I don't do Christmas at all and it's sad but I guess it has come full circle.
I guess I'm my own person because there isn't much to back at.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thanks, David, for the information about a wine biscuit! I've never heard about them.
Cathy: Maybe you and elcee could time your flying into Michigan for the same time? Paula and I can meet you in the airport - fun fake fur hats in hand for each of you. I think cute little elf hats or snowflake hats might work for both of you? You wouldn't have to worry if you'd recognize Paula or me at the airport. We can always make a fun, fun sign with window markers. (We can just pretend they're all purpose markers.) We can create new things together for you to look back at, sister. And you already know I'm serious about this.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 7th of December 2014 06:24:59 PM
Grateful, I remember similiar holidays growing up. The difference in my family's house was that we knew as the day wore on the drinking would increase. The day didn't fall apart because of my mother so much. It fell apart when the men in the family sat in another room and drank and smoked together while the women were in the kitchen doing dishes and general clean up. I think my mom did the best she could to make the holiday happy for us kids in order to create a sense of normalcy as best she could.
I repeated the pattern when my exhusband's addiction really took off. The more I felt my world crumbling the greater the efforts toward perfecting outward appearances. Steeped in denial, I tried to create an ideal atmosphere believing I could control the uncontrollable. it became easier to believe that people were just dabbling and not addicted, and that drinking top shelf alcohol in crystal glasses and still functioning meant the disease wasn't in my house.
Thank goodness for years of recovery from the effects of this illness. With new awareness, I do what feels right for me. If it doesn't feel right, I don't do it. These boundaries that assert our independence and individuality don't sit well with family members who've become use to having their expectations met.
It's as if you had no to change without their permission. lol
Thanks for sharing es&h. Like you, glad to be making progress. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 8th of December 2014 11:30:51 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Same behaviors to a degree with different motives and different beverages in each home. We had milk, cocoa and coca cola for adults and children both. Your family adults had alcohol for the beverage treat. And both are families were affected by alcoholism. Our family disease was hidden since there was no alcohol in our house and your family disease was a little more obvious with the "bubbly" that showed up. Glad we're both here doing what we need to do for us to make our holidays more joyful and alcoholism affected freer. Both our Moms were affected by the disease in different ways and maybe helped us both find a way to see the disease as the cause of our/their dis-ease rather than the holidays?
Your stories are my story and I am so glad with al-anon, we are all making new stories for ourselves! Greater memories to look back on and changing the tradition to a more functional way of life. Sending you all love and support on your journey's!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My mum left a glass of beer and a wine biscuit out for Santa...
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If we build it they will come.....