The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well the Holidays are here again. And so is the stress for me. When I was growing up my mother loved Christmas and my father spoiled just about everyone by being drunk and passed out somewhere. Now I have continued the cycle by marrying an alcoholic and trying to make the holidays perfect for the kids. Except I'm exhausted and stressed out. My kids have put the decorations up and I stand by with no energy, while my AH makes snide remarks about how he hates Christmas. I didn't cause, can't control it and can't cure it. But how do I ignore him and his remarks and not let it sink into my soul and ruin everything. I'm basically alone - with few friends. I have a job that I'm good at but few co-workers that like me. I don't know if I've become a bitter person like my mother. I do know that I am a people pleaser and need everyone to like me. And I need everything perfect - I need to be in control. Is it because everything in my life is out of control. I sit in a messy house with no energy to clean. I'm having my own pity party. I need the inner strength to keep moving. I read on here how others have it so much worse than me - I have a nice home and food on my table, and my bills paid. But the house is an empty shell - here for show with little love and joy.
I am so sorry to hear you are feeling that way. That must be really hard. It sounds like you feel a little lonely? I am not sure if that is what you are feeling. I have in the past felt like a stranger in my own home and body. I discovered when I feel that way it is usually because I have abandoned something in me that I perceived as bad because I have taken on someone else's projection.
Slow learner I have often experienced what you have just shared. Program, meetings, Steps, sponsor, slogans all changed my attitude completely so that today I really enjoy the Holiday and avoid anyone who attempts to spoil it.
I do believe years ago I thought it was" Kool" to be negative about the celebrations and liked to stand off and judge and critique those who participated. No longer- Life is too short and I found that participation is the key to harmony .
Please increase your meetings at this time. It works when we work it
I agree that meetings will be a big help to you. If you can afford it, I'd also like to suggest self-pampering in the form of a trip to a spa, a chiropractor if your back hurts, a movie that you want to see for you, a lunch in a special place with a friend you'd like to make, or a day trip to somewhere you've been wanting to go. Love begins with us and it sounds like you could use an extra special dose of it about now? Even a night in a motel with a pool and hot tub for you and the kids or just you may also be a big help to you? There are ways to break the spell of Christmas past and to put distance between you and a grumpy alcoholic that you can enjoy if you choose. I hope you do and are able to rekindle or to establish a new pattern for Christmas celebrations? It might also be helpful to do something fun for somebody who will never guess it was you who did it? It doesn't have to be expensive. I can remember our doorbell ringing early on Christmas morning. When my Dad went to the door, he found a plain white box. Inside it were candle carolers that were all representative of my parents and my sibs. That was magical fun for me and for my family. I've never forgotten the fun of that experience and I was only about 8 at the time. It inspired me to do the same and it gives me great joy to practice one of our Just for Today suggestions when I'm feeling low during the holidays.
Hugs slowlearner. I can so identify with the messy house and no energy to clean part of your post. When I get all stuck in my head, this happens to me too, literally burnt out and drained. Then you look around at the physical chaos and feel worse! I find doing something different helps me. Going for a walk, eating lots of creamy carbs (apparently this food craving ties into depression and is the bodies attempt to improve mood), after a huge bowl of pasta with ham,cream and mushroom sauce (15 minutes tops to make) I feel sleepy and can rest. Self care I guess. Very sorry to hear about your house feeling like a shell, that's a feeling I feel too. It sounds like your kids are trying hard to be festive. Any chance you can take them out caroling and forget him just for an hour? In any event, I wish you the love of the season regardless. (())
One more little program tip: HALT may also be helpful for you? I can remember running on empty as a single Mom and full time employee. I went to a friend's house to take her something that we were working on for others and just broke down crying. It came out of the blue. She guided me into her diningroom, sat me down at the table, went into the kitchen and came back shortly with a sandwich, some fruit and vegetables, a cold glass of water and said one word: "Eat." I did and left her house renewed. I was so busy trying to make other people's Christmas memorable, I had completely forgotten to eat, let alone sleep. I was too hungry and too tired. When I ate that lunch, I also was able to see things I could drop from my to do list, and I also slept well that night. Her kindness taught me self-care that I had eliminated from my daily routine. I can't say I didn't fall off the wagon in emptiness after that time, but I knew exactly what to do because of the lesson I learned at her table and the result of doing what she told me to do. Practicing HALT is often a simple remedy that can help us immensely.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 6th of December 2014 11:35:29 PM
Thanks for the reminder Slow learner...your post reminded me of a lesson by an Alateen at an Alateen Convention where I was down in the dumps because my alcoholic/addict was missing from my life and I was doing the "hang dog" act. When I told her I was feeling unhappy because what was going on outside of me was sad she said, "Well don'tcha know Jerry F...Happiness is an inside job"...then she wove me a friendship bracelet and sadness was no where in sight. When you keep and open mind the good stuff can come from anywhere. (((hugs)))
Hi slowlearner. I'm sorry you are feeling so stressful. Holidays tend to do that. and it's much worse when living with an alcoholic. I recommend what the others said. Al-Anon meetings, Twelve steps, slogans, reading Al-Anon literature will help you learn to live differently. I used to have the biggest pity parties for myself. I wallowed in self pity. I had to find my bottom before HP led me to Al-Anon. Living with alcoholism makes it easy to become bitter, resentful and angry. When our bodies become so full of these emotions, it eventually spills out everywhere without us realizing it.
I remember when I first stepped through the doors of Al-Anon (seven months ago) I was introduced to the slogan "Let go and let God." Letting go and letting God is a process that takes time, but it works when you work it. You can't help your ah. Let God take care of your ah, and focus on taking care of you.
Take care of you and focus on you. Keep coming back.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I understand thjs. Alcoholism kills the joy at christmas. I always dreaded it. Im trying not to dread it. Theres a woman in my group who uses it as a symbol of her recovery. She wears sparkly jumpers, christmas themed earrings, she really goes for it and its an amends to herself. Im still dipoing my toe in to christmas.
My perfectionism comes out strong at this time of year, are my gifts good enough? Have I spent enough money? Are my plans good enough? Am I cheery enough? The answer is usually no, so then I get rebellious and im like I dont care, I hate it. Im a bit better I think, the anxiety came but im trying to work throug it and im taking a slice of the joy. A colleague was blasting christmas music in work the other morning, well, I, me, I actually joined in, was singing and a bit joyful. It was nice to take another approach. Im trying to chokse the healthy option. Im gojng to ask y higher power to help with this one. Your not alone.x
