Is there any hope? - Al-Anon Family Group

Helpangel · Senior Member

Is there any hope?

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi helpangel. to answer your question, yes there are people who are living happy lives with recovering alcoholics. I don't remember if you are attending face to face Al-Anon meetings. If you aren't, I would strongly suggest that you attend. Alcoholics say hurtful things. That's what the disease does, so try not to take what your alcoholic says personally. This is going to extremely hard if you don't have a program of your own. From your post, it seems your happiness is tied to whether or not your ah gets and stays sober. Al-Anon can help you stop focusing on your ah and focus on you.

Alcholism is a progressive disease that affects everyone it touches. We may not realize what our A's drinking has done to us. Al-Anon will give your the tools to live differently.

Take care of you and take one day at a time. Keep coming back.

((helpangel))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Help Angel Welcome There is always hope My husband found sobriety and remained sober for 6 years before he passed from a unrelated illness.

Living with the disease of alcoholism is a difficult experience and I am glad you found us and reached out. AA is the recovery program for those who drink and alanon has been founded to support all who have lived with the insanity of the disease.

Much as we would like to believe that we can, it is hard for us to let go of the pain and anger that we feel because of the many unpleasant situations we ave endured. Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities offer us the support to break the isolation caused by the disease, new tools to live by and a restoration or our self esteem and self worth

The hot line number for alanon is found in the white pages Please check it out and keep coming back here as well . You are worth it

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Helpangel, welcome to MIP,

First off, I recommend AlAnon as do Betty and Linda. After everything you have lived through, it will help you work through resentments and anger thatmay have bulit up previously. it will also help you once your husbnad is out of rehab, if he chagnes, then you will likely have changing to do, if he doesn't you will likely have decisions to make. We don't give advice at Al Anon, just tell you waht our experiences are so that you can gain insight and understanding from them.

As far as can they get sober? My wife is one year sober, so there is hope. This was after two rehabs and two DUIs. I know people in AA that have been sober for years. But when I walk by the entrance to the same meeting, I know there are people that just relapsed, or even are attending the meeting drunk! The outcomes are all over the place.

So, we say that the alcoholic is gonna what he's gonna do - what are you going to do?

Kenny

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

You have some good questions and the answers arent easy. Alcoholics without a program of recovery are still alcoholics just sober ones. Ive lived with my ex sober and drinking, it wasnt much different in terms of his attitude and thought processes that remained the same. Being an alcoholic doesnt mean they have an excuse to be abusive, you shouldnt have to put up with that ever because that affects your self worth and affects you in ways that are hard to see. There are tools that you can learn to help you recover from the effects of living with alcoholism and to help you to have healthy boundaries that put a stop to abusive behaviour. Alanon meetings will help you find your answers.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Helpangel

Tough question....IF they get into recovery and IF they stay sober/NEVER touch alcohol again, then AFTER enough time in recovery, and as I said IF they STAY in AA and STAY sober, then yea, there is hope...

Whatever the outcome is on his side, there is absolutely nothing you can do to control or cure him...He is on his own when it comes to this battle...Really, all you can do is work on you....I am glad you reached out to alanon b/c alanon is for us..to help us...to help us reconcile with self, to focus on self and learn to let others walk their own paths....we learn how to "do our life" whether they are drinking or not

In my opinion, the fact that everyone knows does not matter...he has an addiction...he craves the stuff...and if he has just ONE drink, One is too much and one thousand is not enough....they crave the stuff and must...MUST stay away from it for the remainder of his life...

alcoholism is a slow--ugly death that I would never in my life time witness again...My mother died from it and it was terrible...I didn't even like her as she was a terrible parent and I STILL had a tough time watching her die....the mind and body goes, bit by bit as the poison takes over them, then it gets their soul and they will lie, cheat, steal, sell their soul to get that drink....so your hubby must NEVER touch it again and you , I hope you stay in alanon, go to the meetings and learn how to "do life" for you....

I know some who have stayed sober...my sponsor is one of them..she is my BFF....she got me to get into alanon.....shes been sober since the 80's so some do make it....the percentages are not good, though, for sustained sobriety, but hey!! Some do make it and do wonderfully....as i said, my sponsor, if you stuck a gun to her head, she would not take that first drink....She knows she can't stop......it all depends on the person, how bad they want life, and just how seriously they take this hellacious disease.....

I do hope you can hang with alanon and work on and discover you....I am very very glad you reached out....There is no way you can cope with this huge challenge by yourself.......sending you SUPPORT

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Sister...Our first step is a two parter with the first part telling us "We admitted we were powerless"...learning I was powerless led me to many other understandings one of them being that I could only live in the moment. I had absolutely no control or power over the future and I had to stay out of it. I had to give up "guessing it" and "fortune telling" and "what iffing" and such. Learning to stay in the moment was powerful cause it had me dealing with only that period of time I could hope to have any management over...the now. I learned to stay out of the past and not go there because at that time the only thing it offered me was pain and resentments and fear it would repeat no matter what I did. Stay in the now cause that is where hope was/is for me. I learned how to only do me in the now and that meant doing recovery...changing me...being the me I wanted of and for me. My alcoholic/addict wife tried AA and it didn't work. Part of why it didn't work is that I interfered in it and she went back out because that is what the disease wanted her to do...go back out and drink and use more. She eventually made it into rehab and by that time we had divorced and never cut the cord completely...meaning we still saw value in each other and didn't cohabit. We learned how to be in love while not needing to be married and we separated that way. It was magical. What is it that you hope for? How do you want it to come out? Will it happen with both of you in the picture? I remember asking myself these questions and more as I worked with my sponsors and they guided me into and thru our program. I am sooooo grateful to my HP and Al-Anon for all that has come about. Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Helpangel · Senior Member

Thank you all for the replies! You all gave me a lot to think about and consider and I find myself free to think clearly for the first time in a long time. :)! Hmmmm what to do what to do :)!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Helpangel - recovery is a long road. Of course there's hope he will recover but it is best to look towards whatever spirituality you have and develop your hope from knowing your higher power has your back. Also hope will be best in terms of knowing you will do what is right for you and you will survive no matter what comes down the pike. Pinning all your hopes on things that are unstable and that you have no control over is risky and alanon (and all 12 step programs) generally steer against that.

Other than that, take it take by day and do not project into the future. It is possible he will recovery and that your marriage will also. It is also possible he will recover and grow distant because whatever work he needs to do or demons he needs to face in recovery might make him into a different person that is not as compatible with you. And then....it's very possible that he will relapse and that could take several different forms.

So for now. My best suggestion is for you to go to alanon. You probably need it and it can help you more than you realize. Hope is not about him. Hope is about you and nurturing yourself.

P.S. - I have been sober 6 years - it can happen though I will tell you that in order to get to 6 years, I went through selfish, raw, baby-acting phases of growing up that will be challenging to be around. So that is yet another reason you will need alanon for yourself and your sanity even if he does stay sober.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I always have hope about things, but I am also a realistic and have no expectations. Take things as they come.

He will do whatever he is. so we work on us. He will always be an A, always a chance of relapse. but we can learn to love and accept them no matter what. If he uses that is his problem. Don't make it our own.

If someones behavior bugs me i leave the room or go home. Or if it is too much, I end it. Does not mean I don't love them, but i choose to be true to me.

We build on us, learn to accept people as they are, knowing we cannot change them, but we can change how we respond.

We can make our life so it fits better if we live with an A we love.

I married a man I knew almost all my life. he was in a strong recovery. then had a brain surgery that killed that man. the new guy was a monster. relapsed, but I used my skills from mip to love/live with him as long as I could. physical abuse was when I had him leave and he left.

I had my own bedroom with all I needed including bathroom, door to outside. we sat in a double recliner so we remained close. I knew the clues when he was going to blow it so I would just go read or something. He never caught on. I lightened up when he said dumb things, I am leaving he would say, I pointed out the doors. I am goingto burn the house down, me the lighters are by the insense. I share this so much people are bored i am sure.

I got where I did not take it to heart as is it not personal. I knew he loved me, adored me. Sadly the brain damage ruined it.

anyway take what ya want and leave the rest. worrying is a waste of time. Learning to take things as they come....gold!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.