((((Newlife))))...Detachment with love.  That is what this reminds me of.  I also reached this point and felt it came from a very different part from inside of myself.  Good for you...good for him.  Feels like a God thing doesn't it?   ((((hugs))))

I saw this coming for you also. I think it is part of your growth and moving forward. I am happy for you but I know these are difficult feelings to have. They are more accurate and useful than the angry ones though. The angry ones were largely about your ego and expectations. The empathy is about reality. You have just written a really poignant post about what detaching with love really is. Hugs...

Anger always helped me feel I had some type of control in any given situation with another person. When I could drop the anger and feel the feelings beneath the anger, everything changed in me. Anger doesn't hurt. I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to feel the feelings of loss that bubbled up for me from beneath the surge of anger. When I could feel the feelings, I could also hear the next right step for me that surfaced from beneath the feelings that I surrendered to and acknowledged. It is easier to look at a loved one and judge them sometimes than it is to acknowledge the reality of their dying from a disease over which we have no control or power. In my experience, when I could let go of the anger and the judgment, I could surrender to the what was reality and allow myself to make the changes I needed to make for me. It was all process for me. I couldn't accept what was true until I was ready to do it. Mostly, the feelings beneath the anger had to do with fear. I feared so many things and I learned by facing those fears with program help, I could also surrender anything that got in the way of unconditional love and understanding for myself first and the other next. It is good to see you are dropping the anger and ready and willing to see things from a different perspective.

I have a 64 yo brain-damaged cousin. He lived with my aunt until she died. His Dad (who was living with another woman but not divorced) gave him a time to move out of the house before he sold it. My cousin didn't do much but complain and ask for help which came in the form of suggestions from family members of steps he could take to help himself which angered him. The more he talked, the more I knew he was expecting us to step up to the plate and pay for his housing, food, etc. In the end he became homeless and had to stay in a mission for awhile. Part of this was that he refused to seek housing where he'd have to pay 30% of the small amount of money he received in SS income. He didn't want to spend any of his income on housing. He wanted us to pick up the tab although he never said it. As hard as it was for all of us, nobody stepped up to the plate to pay his way. He'd had his way paid by his Mom until she died of cancer at 82. He was full of grief over the loss of his Mom. He was also full of entitlement, self-pity and was spending some of his money on cigarettes, trips to the neighborhood tavern and lottery tickets. Currently, he is living in a group home, spending a portion of his money on housing, has medical care and other supports in place for people with disabilities and is actually much happier than he was when he wanted other people to take care of him. He is still brain-damaged and he is also living with a sense that he can do things to benefit himself and other people don't have to do it all for him simply because he is handicapped. We are all handicapped in some ways. We still have to do what we can with what we have to work with at the time.

Your AH can also apply for disability if he is diagnosed with a chronic condition that warrants it. To expect that he can live scot free because he has some issues isn't realistic. If he is forced to leave the house, you aren't responsible for that. The bank owns the home. They are the folks who will move him out. There might be a better place for him to live than there?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 5th of December 2014 05:48:41 PM