Help needed for loss, please! - Al-Anon Family Group

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Help needed for loss, please!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((((((((((((((bud))))))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry for this tragedy.....we can say all the alanon slogans, wisdoms but pain is pain....loss is loss and its dreadful....

I am heartened that you have feelings for one who was cruel to you and very glad she sorta "owned" it telling you the things you wanted to hear.....and your dad...the whole post made me sad for you, but ya know??? At least you know u did right by her , you got into recovery, even more importantly did right by yourself and your compassion and forgiving spirit in all this is inspiring....

I am glad she communicated her feelings to you while she is still alive...Now you know that she loved/loves you...

I wish I was standing next to you...We could take a walk...I would listen and validate you!!!! I can't say I know how you feel b/c my becoming w/out parents was different, but I do know what heartache feels like and I send you love and hugs of support..........Please post all you need to..We are here and listening....Is there a recovery mate you can reach out to during this difficult time??? or a good friend??? I sure hope so..Just knowing folks care about you can do wonders........HUGS

-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 4th of December 2014 10:45:40 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you are all going through this.

I do remember an article not too long ago - maybe it was in the New Yorker? It showed that people with very grave illnesses placed on hospice actually lived longer than people undergoing active medical treatment (I mean treatment which was theoretically meant to help them get better, rather than palliative treatment). Their remaining time was also much more peaceful.

I know the finality of "hospice" really brings home the limited time we have with everybody in this world. How wonderful that you are hearing words you always longed to hear. I know this time must be very emotional even apart from that.

This sounds like a time to take extra good care of yourself. When I've been in situations like this, the connections with other people have been priceless. They help me to remember that I'm connected to a wide network of people in the world, not just with the one person I'm focused on. I think that's necessary to remember, to get through things like this.

{{{Hugs}}}

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

dearest bud, details don't matter, it is your Mother. I know you are hurting so badly. please take things as they come, do not think about dad or family or anything. Focus on each moment. rest for sure, eat, drink water. If you can spend this time with her.

I am so thankful she spoke kindly to you. My gma was naughty to my aunt. I reassured auntie grama loved her. But until gma was dieing and auntie was there, gma asked for auntie and no one else.

She may have let out her stuff to you as she knew you could take it. Not right, but even so.

I mean it, make yourself as comfy as you can, do not hold back anything. Be real and loving. take care of you so you have the energy to be there for her.

Don't get ahead of yourself about stuff.

A gal from here stayed close to me on phone and computer as my mother was dying. helped me so much as I was alone with Mother for a few weeks.She died in my arms.

sending you love, serenity, prayers. debilyn

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry, Bud and I am happy that you heard words from your mom that you have longed to hear. Perhaps your mom was longing to say them. I wish you peace and love throughout this most difficult time.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Bud, I am so very sorry to read of this latest development. I so understand the sadness of which you speak and urge you to journal your feelings and know you are not alone
Prayers for your family.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers for you, your mom and your family.

I kept the Serenity prayer as constant companion when I was in your shoes. It kept me in contact with what was going on. Bitter-sweet.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((bud))) The past and the future don't matter. Just today. One day at a time. I'm glad your Mom has been able to tell you what you've needed to hear. Hang on to that. The rest of it can just be mist over the water for you. Being present to her in loving support of her and doing whatever it is she needs may comfort both her and you. It was a big help to me to touch base with my sponsor daily, too. Maybe you have a sponsor or a fellowship member you can confide in until you are through this may be a big help to you, too? And of course, we're all here with and for you, sister.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Family))) I am so grateful. How I wish it were simple as throwing some steps and slogans at me to devour and become instantly serene with acceptance. My Mom could potentially live a while more, but she's been loosing weight steadily over the past several months. I don't know if she ate even a meal daily when I was not with her to feed her. She is unable to open her eyes and the nursing home will not feed her unless she is awake and requests food. This abbreviates her possibilities.

Thank you for the massive validation, loving words of comfort, nudging me to take care of myself, reach out to others, and lean into Alanon. I don't usually attend face-to-face meetings on Thursdays, but I found one to attend tonight and will be returning. I do need to beef up my program- I will need support to face my family of origin who have been horribly and painfully abusive to me- avoidance was my only way of detaching enough to preserve myself... all that has changed. A friend is coming with me tomorrow, and my daughter may join either tomorrow or Saturday, God willing. I will be using the serenity prayer as my mantra and a notebook handy for journaling. Everything for a reason. Truly, my Mom was suffering a little and her HP knows what's best for her.

ODAT. Humble and grateful thank you!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, Bud. I wish I had program when my dad passed 3 years ago. Hospice was wonderful and gave me great comfort because I know they do this stuff better than I ever could. When we grieve, a lot of 'rules' and 'habits' and 'ways' just go out the window. Grieving and sorrow take a different path, doesn't mean we can't use program but I think it just looks different. Time flows differently and sometimes even stands still and that's OK. God has you, and He has your mom too. Sending you loving thoughts and hugs tonight! So very sorry you are going through this.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

(((Bud)))

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sister you are not alone...you are surrounded by family here at MIP and where you are at and in your program. My wife and I took program with us when we went thru this with my mother who had parkinson's and age related dementia and also suffered as a victim of our disease and yes also life with her was at times unbearable for the children...at times horrible and I settled that with Al-Anon so much so that when we were visiting her and it came time for us to leave she had an emotional episode. She couldn't talk much and her body language told us that she was in deep fear. My wife asked me "What can we do"? and I said we can share program with her...our slogans and lessons and she can show us about dying. It went so well that when it was time again shortly to leave she was relaxed and smiling and it was okay. In short now you get to be the parent and remember how you would treat an infant. My parents returned to that condition and often I think so will I maybe. She taught us acceptance.

Trust your program Bud...it's a good one. (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow Bud...I am so sorry this is going on. As far as tools - I can suggest grounding. When you get thinking about how sad it is and then it keeps going in your head like "Oh and also this part is sad...and my dad...and it's sad because...and also everyone else thinks...and I should grieve because....oh and also..." Yes, there are umpteen zillion things you could be sad about with your mom's sickness and eventual passing. I think looking or nurturing the specific reasons may make it even more sad and add anxiety to the grief. I don't know if I could handle it, but maybe just being sad and saying things like 'mom is sick and this is sad" "Mom is passing and it is sad." The more extra stuff you allow yourself to ponder, it will become too much. All those things you mentioned about the past and other people - yes they are true but they don't have to define your reality and how you handle this. It is okay to just let it be primarily you, your mom, her passing, her having had some wonderful insights during that transition and her having voiced them to you and that it was all part of her transition. You do not have to let bad/traumatic memories steal the positive meaning of the good things your mom said and did in her last months. It can be about that and about the present.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Also, it sounds like you did the right thing and a wonderful thing by visiting to her and tending to her through this. If the rest of the family still thinks untrue things after that...oh well. They are not seeing the obvious of what a caring person you are. BUT - you saw you doing that and your HP did too so hold your head up high.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

This is the best family ever- I am always touched by the understanding, love, and support! I'm so grateful for Alanon and this family- I'm so grateful for many things. I don't feel alone and hope my Mom regains some consciousness to soothe her fears. If not, and it's still possible, I will hold her hand and talk with her and HP. I have no idea what to expect when I arrive at the facility. Alanon in all of my affairs. I'm so grateful for the suggestions of better perceptions and skills- I need them all and more. Thank you- I won't sink to believe that I am defined by other people's beliefs- seeing myself through the eyes of sick people is certainly not part of the program. I have worked so hard in the program to get where I am and want to face this challenge by bringing my program up to a new level so that I can continue to handle things with dignity and grace.... and not get "stuck" where it doesn't serve me well. Alanon has taught me to reach down deep as well as seek to put my best self out there- tell people I love them, make amends as quickly as possible, and not to hold grudges because forgiveness belongs to HP. Thank you for holding my hand through this- one hand for my family and the other for HP.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so very sorry, ((bud)). I know how hard this is. I am praying for you.

Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

In regard to your Mom and her fears: There were times as my Dad was dying that I could tell by his breathing that he was feeling anxious and afraid. I would just put my hand on his shoulder and tell him: "It's okay, Dad. You're safe. I'm here. You're not alone." His breathing would change almost immediately and I could tell he had returned to peace although he was unable to communicate with his body, his eyes or his mouth anymore. Program worked with him like it does with us. To know we're safe, recognized and not alone is one of the most helpful things I think our program offers when we're going through challenging and new experiences. We can't relieve another person's pain or discomfort or even another person's fears and yet we can offer our support, our understanding and our calm, serene presence in whatever way our HP guides us to carry through on at the time. Dying is a part of living and can be one of the most beautiful experiences for us and for the person who is going on into a different way of living if we are willing to be there without fear and in love ourselves.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 5th of December 2014 09:16:51 AM

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you CS and G2B, so appreciated. It was a very long day but I am grateful. No family encounters but there will be one tomorrow, and likely more after that. I'm doing my best to stay in the moment, work my program, and share what I can. I told both parents repeatedly how much I love them, they are safe, they're not alone, and all is well. No sense in spending this precious time any more distraught than we need be.

My sister called me tonight and I picked up, did my best to show her the love, kindness, and compassion that I would want a loving sister (or anyone else for that matter) to have- I don't know if I'll later suffer consequences for having accepted contact. There is an abusive history of her spreading confabulations to suit her malevolent and sick ego. I can try and handle the attempt at change in myself- I don't want to have to walk in fear.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Right On!! Bud. Working it in spite of what else is going on. You're doing good with what you have and what you have is soooo valuable. It is your program...no one else`s and it works. In support. ((((hugs)))) smile

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Jerry)))) thank you!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you practiced program principles yesterday and went home with no unpleasant encounters with family members. Even if there are any - and there could be - your HP and your program practice will be with you to help you act in the most loving and detached way as possible. They can think and behave any way they choose or don't choose. You have program. They don't. You'll do just fine, bud, no matter what they do or don't do. But, until that time comes if it comes - you are the most important person in your circumstance so be gentle and kind and caring to you, please? We're here for you and with you, too. (((bud)))

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I am holding a space of peace for you, Bud......

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Bud))) When I must interact with family , I remind myself to stay detached and that I need to validate myself and not Justify myself, Argue a point, Defend my position or Engage in any controversially. I say the serenity prayer often and keep the focus on myself . It works.
Prayers for all involved.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Grateful- I needed to hear that -I'm trying hard to apply principles above personalities with family interaction. That, and not taking it personally. I think if I can be strong in those two things, then detachment will come more easily, too.

Many thanks PP!

I left early this morning for visiting my parents. I arrived in time to help wake my Mom, clean her, and brush her hair. I gently massaged lotion on her dry arms and legs. My Dad is worried sick as, through observation, has grasped the magnitude. I sat with him at meal time and was able to engage, but it's becoming more difficult to get him to eat and leave my Mom's side. I bring some food and help him eat while he sits. Sometimes he starts singing to her, sweetly, little made up songs of hope and love as he watches my Mom become more locked inside her Parkinson disease. So heartbreaking.

Thank you hotrod, I like how you broke detachment into some simple steps to remember- this is very helpful. I had a chance to practice this today when speaking with my sister. She wanted me to agree with her in a voice against my uncle. I responded letting her know that there is no right or wrong, I'm putting my love forward the best way that I know how. I know this is not the response she was looking for, nor did it directly answer her question. She backed down when I didn't engage. I know she can do or say what she wants, but I will not give her permission to use me to justify herself with my uncle. Thankfully, I take Alanon and my MIP family's support with me to share with others as grace- the minute this becomes about someone's agenda is the minute I loose time spent with my Mom and Dad. I am blessed and so grateful. Thank you!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Great! Remembering to keep your focus on your motives for being there - to be present in love with your parents - will keep you out of drama! Wonderful program example, bud. (((B))) Just because I know how difficult and challenging this can all be for a daughter who loves her parents.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

How sweet to witness your dad's love for your mom during her final days. She will pass knowing your love and his love; you will know it, too, Bud. Your family will know it, also.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.