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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Thought I should check to see if the stove was still hot.
Post Info TOPIC: Thought I should check to see if the stove was still hot.
missmeliss


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Thought I should check to see if the stove was still hot.
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Daughter went away to her dad's over the weekend.

I decided, this time, maybe it would be good if I drove some of the way (I still haven't ventured far from home) then parked, caught the train the rest of the way, back to my car and drive home again. Great idea huh? Remember, it's about 8-9 hours on public transport and 6 hours driving so, it's no small journey and this seemed a sensible "first step". I'm pretty nervous about driving through our major city, and since we live on a peninsula there's no alternative route. It's over the bridge from hell and through the tunnel of doom, or, start swimming. I've done this trip 2 times in my life with A guiding me, never on my own. It's pretty full on.

So A lives roughly half way between my home and my daughter's dad and, since we had been chatting  a lot on Skype, he volunteered to catch the bus here, co-pilot me to his house, leave the car, catch the train the rest of the way, blah blah blah. It meant I could do a long drive, stop before getting into the heavy scary commuter traffic and change to public transport. 

Anyway the plan grew and there was a lot of "oh I miss you" "oh me too" "oh lets just spend a night together" and that's what we did in the end. We hatched a plan to do the whole thing together and hang out for the weekend. I had low expectations and a sense of forboding but I did it anyway. I won't even try to explain why. I just felt lonely and it seemed like a good idea I guess. I have had a series of very unhappy and pretty unpleasant times lately and you know what? I just gave in to the urge to go and feel some familiar stuff and feel someone next to me while I slept. Maybe it was a relapse, I don't know. Things haven't been very good, home is pretty uncomfortable and stressful, there are so many difficulties I hadn't forseen. 

For example, my housemate, who has been in many ways amazing to me,  as a recovering codependent herself, is not always great; sometimes she gets all passive aggressive and since its her house, I can't say much. Sometimes it seems like she plays between her son is the bad guy and she wants to side with me, or I am the bad guy and she sides with her son; in either case she talks really loudly about each person and it's stressful. And she's always urging me to FIGHT people and stirring things up. For example cat lady has been sending me messages and i have not been responding. because I never respond to cat lady. I just never reply no matter what. So on Thursday she announced that she had written a letter and put it in cat-lady's mail-box...telling her to stop her behaviour because "stop interfering with your neighbours and their pets because I know what you do so watch yourself or you will find yourself reported to the police". And that she didn't sign the letter. "So, Mel, she will probably think that YOU wrote the letter but that's OK girl, this is your chance, you just tell her to back off"

what...the...hell?

Any time i bring this up she says "thats OK, this is your chance girl, you tell her to back off" Cat lady has been calling and texting me non-stop since she wrote this letter, and I feel really violated that she took my confidence and stirred up trouble like that. I think it was a really messed up thing to do. She wrote a threatening letter and made it seem like I wrote it. Thats a really not OK thing to do. But this is my housemate, my "saviour". FFS

Also my daughter wants to dye her hair blue for her graduation ceremony and as she has invited her father and his wife I have told her I think blue hair will cause conflict and will not be appropriate for graduation and she can do it afterwards for summer holidays but my housemate keeps standing beside daughter telling me "you fight them girl, you tell them its her hair and she can do what she wants, why are you afraid of conflict...." er, why are you trying to insert me into conflict in the first place? Have your own conflicts? And let me decide what stance to take as a mother? How about I decide what I think is right and then nut it out with my daughter? Not stand beside my daughter and tell me i "have to stand up to them" on an issue I dont believe in? I don't believe my 11 year old daughter is right to invite all of her extended family to a ceremony 3-4 hours from home and then dazzle them with blue hair. I think that is being deliberately upsetting and then expecting me to wear the fall-out. Most of the people she has invited would find blue hair upsetting. I don't personally understand why but, if we cant be sensitive to other people and their expectations, well, where is the compassion or understanding in that? I wont fight for that, I wont fight for inviting people to be deliberately upset. She can dye her hair blue after graduation and then I'll support her choice. 

Writing threatening letters on my behalf? That's so not OK. Also she goes into my room whenever I am not here and later says "Oh I just had to look for such and such" but I can see she has gone through all of my stuff and she takes stuff back that she has lent me. And she comes in when she thinks I am asleep and does a quick look around with a torch. Its invasive and a bit creepy, I pay a very good rent to have one room here and privacy should be implied. This is the opposite of privacy. Even my mother wouldn't go through my room when I was out. Its not right. I must state I do like and respect the lady I live with but I am paying more than a fair price to be here so this is not OK.

So its not all good and it's not all bad but I am currently paying a lot to be squished in a room with a child and dog and cat and my privacy is being invaded a lot so, I am not very comfortable. Add in the loss of my laptop and the fact that her son hates me and wants me to dissapear and the landlord from my old house is being a complete a-hole and refusing to let the old house be finalised, OMG I am still just twisting in the wind really. Some days are better than others but its not going well, really. 

So anyway I decided to spend a weekend with A, I knew it was wrong but I chose to do it anyway and the day before suddenly he went weird and tried to tell me I was being "nasty" and he didnt want to see me. The reason was, I have a bit of a thing for Freddie Mercury (which he knows after 8 years with me) and i had sent him a video clip with a message saying "you know, if you truly loved me you would grow a moustache and vacuum the house for me". He hates moustaches so it was an in-joke between us. I can't imagine any realm in which he wouldnt see that as a joke.  Anyway i wont bore you with the details but in the end, I begged him to stop being angry.  He spent 3 hours on a bus to come and drive back to his place with me. On the way there he pulled out a bottle of wine and started drinking and rolled a cigarette in my car. I said "are you going to even ask before you smoke in my car?" He got mean and said "so you just wanted to do this so you could argue with me". I said "No, but would you do this in anyone else's car? Would you just light up in your mother's car, or your brothers? What the F, dude?" He maintained that i just asked him to come and drive with me so I could fight with him.

The entire weekend was like that. All of it. He told me i was doing something bad (I made a joke, I looked at him funny, I pulled away when he tried to get intimate with me in my sleep?????) and I kept trying to be hysterically cheerful and every time I snapped he would say "see, you just LOVE to be unhappy, you just LIVE to argue" and eventually i would cry and he would say "well if I knew you were going to be like this, I would never have bothered coming to get you" and every time he brought up the skype conversation where I "abused him" (told him if he loved me he would grow a moustache like Freddie Mercury....). 

Well at the end of the weekend I had to go and drive through the city to get daughter. i cried almost the entire way as I had a bad moment on the freeway where i had to merge and the person next to me wouldnt let me and sped up and tried to force me out, I dont know how to deal with that sort of stuff yet and between that happening and him yelling at me I cried all the way, 2 hours of freeway driving in the heat with no air-con and me just crying and telling myself i am hopeless and useless. And then when I finally left him at the train station, drunk and stumbling and stupid, he hugged me and said "you and me babe, against the world" and he held me close and told me not to worry about anything, and then he told me all of this stuff he knows about me....he basically repeated everything I have ever told him....he said "so you think I don't know you. Well, I know you were born in Melbourne, I know you........" and he repeated everything about me that is interesting to know. It was so weird. In 8 years he ignored me and pretended not to listen and then he repeated back to me pretty much every important thing i have ever said and then said "so, it hurts me when you say I don't even know you".

Well what can I say. I felt angry when he showed me that he had heard and understood me for 8 years but he chose to ignore and abuse me anyway. I drove home just high on driving. It's a fun drive home, highway all the way. I've been feeling better, a lot more assertive since I tested the stove. 

When I report stuff like this i worry that I sound like I think I am a victim. I don't think I am a victim. I don't know what to think. My world just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I honestly dont know what the lesson is. I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water, to be honest.

But I will get there.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HgzGwKwLmgM



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
PP


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A sponsor would be invaluable, Melly.  Hugs and blessings.



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Paula
Jerry F


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((((Mel))))  It works when YOU work it and often times the pain is worse when we knew before hand...Put away the mallet and turn in your membership from that crowd that seems to be beating up on you.  Its okay to be in recovery ...all the time.    In support (((((hugs)))))

 

a note...I did the "come around" with my alcoholic/addict 6 times the only thing that changed was it got worse and I stopped liking to feel hurt...I stopped.

smile



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Jill


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I too tested the stove a time or two. Instant results.
I left or he finally left, and I was soaring with gratitude to be done. Still I later crept back. ugh
I had Jerry's experience. I finally quit wanting to feel so bad. Now that's freedom.

My sponsor didn't judge me. She helped me to see the lights within me that guide me to this day. That "git" (your word; I loved it) had no place anymore.

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hotrod


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MsM Thanks for having the courage to share Prayers and positive thoughts for all.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
el-cee


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Red hot, that stove is. Well done for comi.ng here and owning it, I love the truth,  its so easy to work with,  its the denial and excuses I hate in myself and others to be honest. You did what you did, you accepted it, dont beat yourself up, you learned from it. Its still progress, its like mindful bad behaviour, fixable, workable. I suggest gojng to meetings, picking up your books, dojng the work. The old life is just a few steps back if we want it, im never going back, my ex looks a lot like yours and it is never worth it, well never has been for me. In fact, the idea makes me boak, still got residual resentment.



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Debilyn


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Melly being away from A you have changed and grown. I completely get what made you want to see him. Perfectly natural, and you learned again it is futile.

I am so sorry, the disease is horrible to our loved ones.

Nothing is perfect, I am sad this woman is a control freak and you are such a nice person. In a way I am thinking well hoping you can find a home of your own sooner than later to have to face obstacles to see again you can figure them out yourself. Meaning so you may show a person you are inside as someone, that no one would dare try to control you.No one controls me. No human anyway.

no one would dare try. I had to grow to gain my self confidence my actualization.

I forgot to respond to your gambling post. I hope you are feeling better about that and working on it with your program. Of course it sure does not make you seem less of yourself to me. Not at all. I was impressed and proud of you for sharing.

Anyway I am so happy you found mip. You are home....

 



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missmeliss


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My mother just messaged me on facebook. Melissa how are you, are you OK
I was friendly and she asked, about the real estate agent.
I said, I have done everything I think I am meant to do and now I have to wait.
So she said how will they contact you.
I said I gave them a forwarding address?
She said, you should have said you are "homeless"
I unfriended her and blocked her. I have just had enough.
I am not homeless. I am not here to be a punching bag.
www.youtube.com/watch


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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
milkwood


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I'm sorry all is piling up - this is in haste though. However I could not resist responding, something that I just needed to do as I read your post.

I WANT TO BREAK FREE.
I-Want-to-Break-Free.jpg

Love you Melly  



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hotrod


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Ms M "I Won't Back Down" is a powerful song and I believe should become an Al-Anon slogan01.
 
Good work in handling your mom's comment and taking care of yourself. The reading in the ODAT  today talks about not trying to figure out why the alcoholic behaves as they do since we are powerless over them. It stresses that the more we focus on ourselves, find out why we do what we do, and correct our negative and destructive attitudes the more growth we experience.
 
 I am happy that you have such a beautiful dog and I'm sure he captures everybody's attention as you walk him. You my dear are a beautiful, attractive, desirable, creative woman who is in her prime. I do wish you would do your asset list daily. 


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
missmeliss


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Thank you Betty.
I find the asset list so difficult.
I am funny.
I am compassionate.
I am good at being introspective and correcting myself in a positive way.




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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
pinkchip


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Your A sounds like a giant distraction to all life problems whether he be acting nice and sweet or evil (which seems where it usually winds up). What I read Mel was that life is getting difficult and your distraction is gone. It is so challenging to build a new life that is occupied with positive activities, hobbies and things to engage in when frustrated, confused, and sad.

You are not weak or bad or anything. You are fragile and changing. Stick with the facts: You are fresh out of a long abusive relationship, living with people you don't know that well in cramped quarters and you have a preteen daughter that is rather willful. Be easy on yourself.

Just do the next right thing and it will be okay. The living situation is temporary till you get some schooling finished and can swing bills more on your own. Your daughter is growing and you can only do your best - which you are - to guide her. The only mistakes you could make would be to totally sabotage your path towards growth and I don't see that you did that. I would caution not to let yourself get to feeling too defeated because then that mentality will take on a life of it's own. You are a survivor and you are pretty scrappy. Don't ever forget that!

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PP


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Honestly, Melly, if I were in your situation I may have done the same thing, just to feel something comfortable and maybe unconsciously help me to see I can't go back.  No harm done, look for the greater wisdom in this instead of hurting yourself.  It was courageous of you to block your mom....it isn't just an act of Facebook blocking, it is a symbolic act.

Take baby steps in lifting you up.  Just for today, what will you commit to?  No need to answer here, it is a question I would ask you if you were sitting in my living room with me sharing a warm beverage.



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Paula
missmeliss


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Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I
will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world, so
the world will give to me.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
missmeliss


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Love u too Milkwood. That is my ultimate man!!

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
PP


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You are beautiful, Melly, and we get to see that.



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Paula
KennyFenderjazz


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Good job blocking your mum. I'd say that's a pretty good indicator that your self-respect is growing!

And please put "I am courageous" on your asset list! You may not feel courageous, but courage is doing what needs to be done even when we are afraid.

Kenny

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Luiza


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Thanks for sharing.

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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Thought I should check to see if the stove was still hot.