The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Three weeks ago I got the A in my life out of my house. We are in two separate states now, and he has begun to go to AA meetings where he is. I am not nearly as concerned about his recovery as I am about my own.
I find I have some old habits that are hard to break. I find I make myself responsible for his emotions often. F2F meetings and reading lots of literature are helping me to see that I am not responsible for any of his "stuff" but I still find myself becoming "hooked" when he texts me to say he is feeling lonely, having a hard time, etc.
I have come a long way from where I was even a month ago, I just wish I could find a way to detach with love more effectively and regularly. I wish I could find a way to recognize better when I am making his problems mine, and not feel so guilty when I do make limits about how much I am willing to give. For right now, I try to live with the discomfort that I feel when making limits, and understand that the guilt I feel is not justified-that taking care of me is a good thing and nothing to feel bad about.
I am trying to accept that the little sick voice in the back of my head is in protest right now and that in the same way the alcoholics disease will do what it can to keep him sick, my disease will do what it can to keep me sick.
Welcome. Your share reminds me of me in a grocery store. If I hear a child say "Mom," I automatically look to see where the child is and what s/he needs. It is an involuntary reaction to an old experience of being needed by children who couldn't take total care of themselves. Reality reveals to me that the child calling "Mom" isn't my child and I'm not needed. Regardless, that deep need to be needed is still there and it is important for me to look at what I need when that part of me is tugged by a child or by someone with a life threatening illness like alcoholism. Once I can determine the need, I can feed it with something that empowers me and contributes to a quality of life that doesn't include the role of caretaker in some shape or form. Maybe I need a hug? Maybe I need to sing? Maybe I need to invite myself to a friend's house for a home-cooked meal? Maybe I need to call a friend and go to a movie with them? Another adult wanting me to meet their need when we aren't in a relationship (or even if we are depending on the need) can be a wake up call to paying attention to my own needs and giving to them.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 2nd of December 2014 09:34:18 PM
The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful for me early in my recovery, as well as meetings, finding my sponsor and working the steps. It took me awhile to focus on myself and dig into my recovery and self careSending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
hi skarlett, and welcome to MIP. I'm glad you found us. You are among friends who know what it is to live with alcoholism. That detachment thingy was a biggie for me too. Keep working your program because it get's better.
keep taking one day at a time and keep taking care of you.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Skarkett you are doing well. Recovery is a process and your awareness and acceptance are both exceptional .
Just keep showing up, using your tools, especially your asset and gratitude list daily and in a short time, when you look back you will be amazed at how much you have grown.
Progress not perfection
Sounds like you're making good use of Alanon tools and teaching yourself to respond rather than react to his stuff. I find it a little tough at times being with someone recovering in AA. I want to loving and supportive but I'm neither his sponsor nor his hp and at times I've had to set a boundary and express these limitations as caringly as possible. Detaching takes practice. When I feel myself becoming enmeshed, I feel overly responsible for someone else's well-being at the expense of my own then I feel irritable. There goes my serenity!
It's progress in Alanon to know you deserve to put yourself first. You're aware of that and trying to take care of yourself. It can get easier with practice and time.
You're not a meanie for taking care of your own needs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
The post your are sharing and the replies you are getting remind me of my own journey and the very first promise Al-Anon made to me that came true..."If you keep and open mind...you will find help". After listening with an open mind I also reached this part where you are at...practice, practice, practice and have no expectations of perfection. I learned that if I did the lesson anywhere close tow hat others were doing it my life would change for the better and it did. Sounds like you are there now also. No self judgment, shaming, blaming or put downs...practice and keep asking for help. When I was early in the practice mode I use to ask the fellowship to critique my efforts like we often do here also and I was never left without unconditional love and suggestion as needed. I had sponsorship personally taught by my HP. Keep coming back Skarlett...this is family now. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome Skarlet, and thank you for such a good post.
I have found that learning detachment has been a bit like riding a bike, I fall off regularly! But when I do, it is an opportunity for me to look at what I'm feeling and the ask myself why. I like Grateful's recognition that sometimes our responses are simply natural, and there is nothing wrong with them. I have also benefitted from looking at that feeling of guilt that I get when I step back and let another grown up handle their own affairs. Why on earth should I feel shamed by that? I think that part is my disease and it has been nurtured by folks who feel their power by getting others to do things for them and by my own need to feel wanted/needed. It has been liberating for me to learn to say no but it has felt uncomfortable as well. It gets better. Most of the time it is kind of empowering to start feeling that I don't have to be available to others all of the time.
That was a very insightful post. I applaud your honesty and the new clarity you are getting from alanon. I do know that when I first got sober, I was lonely, couldn't figure out how to interact with others without drinking. I didn't know how to make new friends. I wanted to be in a relationship so badly and to have an enabler because the changes were scary.
I am sure he is lonely and such, but much of it is coming from trying to be sober and missing his enabler like you identified. He will express pain and discomfort of early sobriety but it's growing pains (not too unlike the growing pains you are having now).
Thank you every one for your loving and kind responses! It is so nice to know that I am not alone in this, that I am part of a bigger community that is struggling or has struggled with the same feelings and challenges that I am struggling with now. I know you all know...but I feel the need to say it anyways, you are truly a Godsend to me, and I couldn't do it without being part of this wonderful community. I thank everyone for that.
pinkchip-thanks for the feedback, it is always nice to have someone who has struggled with the disease share their perspective.
grateful2be-Your response helped put things in perspective for me. I will definitely look at what need I might be trying to fill when I allow myself to be "hooked"
Breakingfree, cloudyskies and milkwood-I appreciate the suggestions and each of you sharing your ESH with me.
Jerry F-Your reminders not to shame myself and to practice practice practice were much needed.
tiredtonite-Great tips on recognizing when I am becoming enmeshed. I am going to put a sticky note on my phone to remind me that I am not his sponsor or his hp and that he is in good hands and has access to the help he needs without me getting in the way.
and last but not least
hotrod-Thanks for helping me to recognize that I am doing well and on the right road. I have been slacking a bit on my asset and gratitude list. I didn't even realize that I had not been as consistent as I had been. I am going to make sure to add that back in to my regular routine, because I know that it has helped.
You guys are all so wonderful. Thank you for welcoming me with open arms!
skarlett wrote:I just wish I could find a way to detach with love more effectively and regularly. I wish I could find a way to recognize better when I am making his problems mine, and not feel so guilty when I do make limits about how much I am willing to give. For right now, I try to live with the discomfort that I feel when making limits, and understand that the guilt I feel is not justified-that taking care of me is a good thing and nothing to feel bad about.
I am trying to accept that the little sick voice in the back of my head is in protest right now and that in the same way the alcoholics disease will do what it can to keep him sick, my disease will do what it can to keep me sick.
Hey Skarlett, welcome....it takes practice.....first good on you for being aware...awareness leads to right action, which will grow into right habit if practiced......U did good to be aware of this.....are there any alanon meets near you??? the more experienced folks as you listen to their shares you will get the gist on how to get your program off to a good start...they say the first 3 months, one should go to 90 meets....then as you grow, not so intense, but regular work is needed....I am codependent and have to watch these very things...taking care of me and knowing where i leave off and they take care of their own stuff....what is outside of my circle around my feet is not my business.......glad you showed up here......and trust me, alcoholism in the family be it childhood or marriage or whatever, it does create codependency in the sober family members trying to cope with this.....alanon shows us how to live...not just cope, scraping by barely...there is more to life than that........IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing.... I am finally at the place of detaching with love, but also had to go no contact...... got a text from my A son, Have you finally given up on me?... my reply.... Taking care of me ...... that is all I said... and I felt it and meant it..... I didnt get here overnight, but I didnt get sick overnight either.... and until I coould love myself, I couldnt let go with love.... it is worth the journey.... sending you lots of hugs and encourgment..
TT