destroyed - Al-Anon Family Group

lizzieo35 · Member

destroyed

oceanpine · Senior Member

oh lizzieo35, I am so very sorry you and your children are experiencing this. I have 2 young children, and it just absolutely sucks when they are impacted by their dad's bad behavior. I am sad to hear about the abuse - verbal, mental and physical - and also scared for you. You may love him sober, but are you and your children safe? That is most important. I hear you say you all have been through enough - what options do you have?

My husband also drinks because of what a terrible wife I am. I don't have any great advice as this still affects me way too much - although I now understand it's just his easiest excuse. And it's getting real old. Please let us know if you are safe, at least for today and tonight, and I am sure you will get some better input soon. Big hugs to you... deep breath... know that you and your children are not alone.

lizzieo35 · Member

We r safe there's been no physical abuse for a few years now but we've been together 11yrs and our eldest is 10 and has definitely seen too much and now can't bare to b in the same room as him when he's drinking. The excuses just make my bloody boil he's let us down so many times. I feel like I'm struggling to keep my head above water . I resent him too for all the nasty things he has said and done I know I should let go of them to keep myself sane if nothing else but it's hard when it's been drummed into u for so many years x x

oceanpine · Senior Member

i totally understand...and am in the same place. And realizing it is hurting me, not him, to hang onto all the harsh words and actions. But, it goes deep, and it happens over and over, and lodges in your soul, doesn't it? At least awareness is the first step. Are you able to get to Al-Anon meetings?

I have to go to sleep, but I hope that you can hang in there and give yourself the love and gentleness you need and deserve. Wish I could scoop you and your kids up and whisk you away to somewhere peaceful and calm.

lizzieo35 · Member

Yes it does and no I can't get to the meetings but thank u for replying and understanding enjoy ur sleep x x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

We have meetings twice a day here. Information about those meetings is at the top of our board. The best help we can find for our loved ones is the help we find for ourselves. The best help available are Al-Anon meetings, finding a sponsor and working the steps with a sponsor. When we get to the hating the drunk part, we have been badly affected by the disease and meetings help us learn how to detach from the A and regain our peace and power in healthy ways.

lizzieo35 · Member

I Have been chasing alcohol services today and his scan appointment but no one seems to have any referrals for him so once again I'm thinking he's lied to me again so he can carry on drinking!! In the upside they have offered me support and I do hope it can repair some damage. The al-anon meetings are only once a week here and always in the evenings which I can't get to because of my 4 little ones x x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

We have on-line meetings in the morning and in the evening 7 days a week. There is one this morning, if you'd like to check it out. Face to face meetings are encouraged but for those who can't attend face to face meetings, the on-line meetings can be helpful as well. Learning to focus on myself and not on the comings and goings of an A was such a relief for me. I hope you'll take advantage of the support you'll receive in our on-line meetings.

lizzieo35 · Member

That's fabulous how do I get on there x x

lizzieo35 · Member

I have had a look but can't find one on a Friday but there a beginners one on Saturday evening which I will have a look at x x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

At the top of this board on the left side in yellow are headers to include our meeting and chat room and our on-line schedule. I don't know what time zone you are in but today's morning meeting is scheduled for 9 am. If you look at the top of the board and click on the headers there will be more information about how to enter the chat room and when the meetings occur.

lizzieo35 · Member

Ok I'm in the UK it's 13:15 on Friday x x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

So, our morning meeting would be at 14:00 for you?

lizzieo35 · Member

Oh ok will try and catch it but he's kicked off again so have to deal with him x x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

What does it mean that he's "kicked off again?" I'm not familiar with that phrase. smile

lizzieo35 · Member

Just shouting about irrelevant things really x x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand. I have done the same. I've also felt trapped in situations where I've thought I needed to deal with something that I really didn't need to handle. I had choices and options I didn't see. Meetings, readings, my sponsor and self-care helped me see myself and what was mine to do differently as I healed from living with an active A. There is a sticky at the top of this board that includes the promises of Al-Anon. That was a big help to me, too, and all the promises are so very true.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. As others post, you will hear the same thing from us, as we know what this disease does and how we can heal. We have found healing, peace and serenity through al anon and the 12 steps. Your husband will continue to drink no matter what you do or say, that is a hard truth to accept. It was for me. I am sorry for all of the abuse your family has experienced...you did not and do not deserve any of it. Keep coming back here, this is a supportive, wise community.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lizzie- welcome to MIP - you're in the right place and I'm glad you found us. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, left untreated with abstinence and a supportive 12 step program, it leads to insanity or death. Living with the disease is usually much too much to handle alone. Over time, living with an active alcoholic starts affecting us as we become consumed with attempts to help our loved one. Alanon gives the skills and support that is needed to help us improve our situation. I liken Alanon to an emergency on an airplane when the oxygen masks drop and the passengers are instructed to secure your own oxygen mask first before trying to help a loved one next to you. MIP has been a lifeline for me and my situation is improved- keep coming back, Alanon works!

lizzieo35 · Member

I've cried a lot today and not because I'm sad but for the first time I'm not a lone with this so thank u all x x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

No, you're not alone. Most all of us have been there and done that right along with you. Together we help each other change and grow.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I love my sober husband, too...but the drinking and other major issues he had clouded the happiness in my marriage. It helped me to make a list of pros and cons about my marriage. For me, the cons outweighed the pros and I left him.

pixie · Veteran Member

My kids too grew up watching their dad drink and become nasty.They grew up knowing this is how they didn't want to be.They broke the cycle that goes way back on their dad's side. They wait for what they call,"the call". Me telling them their dad drank himself to death or has gotten violently sick from drinking.As much as they love him they do get their little digs in.I call it survivor skills or dealing with it with humor. Hang in there and teach your kids the way their dad is isn't the way to be.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I glad your feeling a bit more hopeful. I felt hopeful for the first time too when I found alanon and got to share my experience with others who knew what I was talking about. It breaks the isolation and the shame that I know I felt. Life doesnt have to be this way for you or your children. Alanon taught me that I didnt need to put up with unacceptable behaviour, I learned powerful, simple tools and I put a stop to it. I learned to be happy and live life fully whether the drinker was drinking or not. You dont have to be miserable because the alcoholic is.
I suggest you go to alanon.co.uk and click on shop, scroll through the leaflets and get yourself some alanon literature, study it learn like yours and your kids lives depend on it. I recommend the leaflet on detachment and alcoholism, the family disease. The sooner you get into this new way of thinking the better for everyone.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

So sorry, Lizzie, but I am glad you showed up in alanon.....R there any meetings in your area where you can go fellowship w/other alanons in same boat??? they can guide you how to work this program, to focus on you, let the Alcoholic take care of his own life, b/c #1, you didn't cause this...#2, you will never control it and #3, you will never cure it....

if he done'st get into recovery, he will die a slow, awful death with you doing end of life care...I don't want to scare you but I won't lie either.....I do hope you hang onto alanon b/c if he refuses to get into AA and STAY there , and SOBER you have some tough roads ahead and you will need alanon....We are here, and we are listening.............IN SUPPORT

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Lizzie you are not alone. Many of us have felt just as you do now so please realize that there is help and hope. Please keep breaking the isolation and reaching out.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi lizzie, and welcome to MIP. I'm glad you found us. You are among friends who know your pain. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. It's so unfair. Alcoholism is such a dreadful disease. I sometimes refer to it as a demonic disease, and it's a disease that affects the entire family. I noticed you said you had been chasing alcohol services and scan appointments for your husband. If he is serious about getting sober, he'll chase those appointments. You seem to be doing work that he should be doing.

I didn't read all the replies so probably many have already said this but please understand that his drinking is NOT your fault. You do not cause him to drink. You cannot control his drinking and you cannot cure it. I tried for over 14 years to cure my husband, and nothing I did worked. I was a total wreck due to my ah's drinking. I did not have a life. My HP led me to Al-Anon, and by the Grace of God, I'm learning a new way to live.

If you cannot get to f2f meetings, please come to the online meetings. Also, if possible get the book (Al-Anon approved literature) Courage to Change. One of my favorite Al-Anon slogans is Let go and let God. You can't save your ah, but God can. What you can do is take care of you.

Take one day at a time and keep coming back. We are here for you, Lizzie.

((Lizzie))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.