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I find myself struggling with the fact that I am seeking out help to deal with the situation that I never thought I would find myself in: being in a relationship with an alcoholic. I think I'm finally ready to admit that I can't continue doing this on my own, despite how strong and capable I like to think that I am.
Brief summary: I have been in a relationship with my partner for just over 5 years. We are both divorced, and do not have a desire to remarry. He had previously been in treatment for alcohol and prescription psychotropic pill addiction around the time his marriage was falling apart. He no longer takes any psychotropic drugs, and no longer consumes hard alcohol -- just beer and wine. His consumption of "just" beer and wine over the last few years has increased gradually to the point where he is pretty much drunk, getting drunk, or planning to get drunk any time he is not working or taking care of other routine responsibilities, i.e. running errands.
I've never been in a relationship with an alcoholic before. Once I realized what was happening, I starting reading as many books and articles as I could find to try to make sense of it, and figure out the "right" things to do. (Admittedly it took a while to get to that point -- I didn't know if he was crazy or I was or both of us are. Honestly, I still wonder.)
Communication is awful. He carries around a lot of anger and isn't shy about expressing it even when he is sober, so when he's drinking, well, I'll just say it's worse. I dislike drama. I dislike arguing. My response is to shut down, which infuriates him further. It's like a neverending cycle.
He recently decided that he wants to quit drinking. He's tired of feeling awful, physically and mentally, every day. I told him I would support him in any way that I could. He's set a "quit date," and has taken the time off from work, preparing to detox. Since he's made this decision, his drinking has gotten even worse, but I continued to commit to supporting him in his decision to live a healthier life. I've put my own emotions, feelings, and desires aside because I know he needs my support now more than ever. He alternates between being weepy and angry, lashing out at me (because I'm the one there.) I'm struggling to be a supportive partner while combating the resentment I feel growing within me. I'm not sure how to reconcile this, which is why I think I'm ready to admit that I need help.
Hi, welcome. I'm drawn to the last paragraph in your thread: "I've put my own emotions, feelings and desires aside because I know he needs my support now more than ever..." "I'm struggling to be a supportive partner while combating the resentment I feel..."
Well, I see that he's there for him and you're there for him. Nobody's there for you. Do you see how what you've chosen to do in relationship to yourself might add up to growing resentment?
Although it is true that alcoholism is a disease, it isn't one that gets better with our "support" that includes a decision to put aside our own needs and wants. We might confuse an alcoholic with a child because they do seem to "need" us as a child might need us. They are not, however, children. They are adults who can enter into a detox and rehab program and attend AA by themselves and for themselves. We can get help in relearning how to focus our attention on ourselves and stop "being there" to an extreme for the A who doesn't need us. The more we take good care of ourselves according to Al-Anon principles with the help of others who have experienced the same living with an active A, the less resentment we feel.
I hope you'll regularly attend Al-Anon meetings for yourself and come back here, too. Living with an active A is nearly impossible without the help of a recovery program for us. The disease is crazy making for us as much as it is crazy making for our loved ones. Alanon helps us regain our sanity by giving us tools we need to counteract the negative affects of this disease. It works if we work it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 17th of November 2014 10:42:02 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 17th of November 2014 11:36:56 AM
Yes, I do see how my choices have contributed toward the resentment I feel. Thank you for pointing that out. I know I have made some poor choices. I'd like to learn how to make better choices, or at the very least, become aware of what those better choices are, if that makes any sense.
Silly question: I looked up Al-Anon meetings in my area, and many of them are designated as "closed" meetings. Does that mean they are only for current members?
You have already been doing some studying, so I assume you are starting to realize what you are in for. I second Grateful's suggestion of attending Al Anon, it is a group of people in similar situations. You will likely suddenly realize you aren't crazy if you attend a meeting. You will also learn that your husband isn't crazy, he's sick. And there is little you can do for him, the best thing is to work on yourself, and if he gets into his own recovery, you will be that much stronger in your own.
I like the part when you say he is lashing out at you "because I'm the one there" Very few things should be taken personally by what an A says or does, we even have a slogan for it in Al Anon - QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally. It sounds like you are already learning this as well.
If he has set a date to quit, and set aside time to detox, will he be doing this at home? Detoxing is risky, when my wife was in rehab they had her on anti-convulsion meds and watched her closely in case she had any seizures or other bad side effects.
Orchid, the only qualification for Al Anon is that you have someone in life whose drinking is bothering you. So you qualify for membership. do make sure you are looking up Al Anon, not AA, because I'm not sure I have seen closed or open Al Anon meetings, only closed or open AA.
Welcome to MIP. I agree with Kenny and Grateful's posts 100%. Al anon will help you take care of your needs. He is to really be left to the loving hands of his higher power and rehab. Your best support for him would be to let him be while he works his recovery in AA (quitting the alcohol is not recovery....sobriety without recovery is a dry drunk) and you work yours in al anon. Keep coming back!
Closed meetings for Al-Anon members would mean people who are friends or family members of people with this disease who want help. The meeting isn't meant for folks to come in to get information for papers, books, surveys completed, to share what their recovery program offers, or to make sure their loved one isn't having an affair or talking about them. So, in some ways - yes, a closed meeting does mean for members only and anybody who recognizes their difficulty living with an active drinker and wants help would qualify for any Al-Anon meeting anywhere.
Welcome. Al anon has helped me a lot. Meetings will help you to realize you aren't alone. It is a safe place to share what's in our minds and hearts. I hope it helps. The books are good too.
you said....." Since he's made this decision, his drinking has gotten even worse, but I continued to commit to supporting him in his decision to live a healthier life. I've put my own emotions, feelings, and desires aside because I know he needs my support now more than ever. He alternates between being weepy and angry, lashing out at me (because I'm the one there.) I'm struggling to be a supportive partner while combating the resentment I feel growing within me. I'm not sure how to reconcile this, which is why I think I'm ready to admit that I need help."
OK....you are supporting him.....HE is supporting him......who is supporting you???? You say you put your own emotions, feelings and desires aside bc he "needs your support" Many of the sober partners/spouses do this....they abandon their needs/wants for the alcoholic, so alcoholic gets it all...you get none.........I know..I have been there and what i ended up with was divorce and bitterness/anger at all the "investment" i made in what??? a drunk
if he doesn't get into AA and work a strong program, you can look forward to relapses, worsending physical and mental health, then the "reward" for all this is end of life nursing care for the alcoholic...
Hon, I am reading you love him, but in this situation, love is not enough!!! it won't carry the day!!! If you really really want to be with him, you are gonna need alanon and all its suggestions to help you stay sane in all this.....Tough spot to be in...I feel for you b/c I was there.....lost many years to drunks #1 and #2 tiill i finally gave up and realized that I need me and I need either someone healthy and EQUAL to me or not at all....
You didn't cause this....You will never control this....you will never ever cure this....what he has is an incurable disease that he can only put into remission by working a strong AA program
but lets talk about you.....if your daughter came to you with this story, what would you want for her??? what would you say to her if she said "mom, I am putting my entire life aside to support my alcoholic b.f. or partner" what would you say to your child????
I can't tell you what to do, i can only tell you what the future holds if he does't get help......
you need help/support TOO...you are a living, feeling, sentient , deserving human being who is shoving her own needs/wants/welfare aside for someone ELSE.....
I do hope you hang out in alanon and I would get to as many meetings as there are days to keep the focus on me.....trust me on this one....giving up me for another only fostered bitterness and resentment in me that took years of alanon to work through........for a long time i felt like the victim but i had a part in those marriages-----I allowed it----I stayed......now i just see all those years gone, but today is the beginning to my making a happier finish to my life.....In ALANON....I do hope you stay....alanon will show you that not only putting yourself first, prioritizing your life, taking care of you is healthy, but essential.....you deserve to be there for you...you deserve to be happy, joyous and free of chaos and drama that is preventable...
Some people stay with the alcoholic...some decide it is too much for them and they end the relationship.....either way , it is unavoidable that we were impacted by this disease and to get our lives back we need alanon if we are to have any hope of a decent life......
I do hope that you stick w/us and I am glad you showed up here ..your inner self is saying "YES, I need support too" and i am glad you showed up here...alanon is my saving grace...literally...............IN SUPPORT
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome Orchidlife, I am so sorry that you are in this situation but so pleased that you have reached out for help as well.
I am also going to underline the benefits of going to Alanon. When I first went to Alanon it was to try and find a solution for my husband's drinking. I quickly learnt that the very best thing that I could do to be supportive was to take good care of myself. Alanon helped me to do this and it also introduced me to many wonderful people who understand what I've been through.
In my own story I came to think that my husband was fuelled by a tremendous amount of guilt and remorse. He wanted to stop drinking but couldn't. I imagined an alcohol pixie whispering in his ear saying 'you are no good and you are hurting the people you love.' So I chose to help by not allowing alcohol to hurt me any more. I did not engage in my husband's pity thinking; I walked away from his arguments; And I engaged in Alanon to help me deal with the resentments and anger that I had taken on. In short, I tried my best to lead by example. It was jolly hard. I gave my husband responsibility to look after himself and to make his own decisions and to take action as he saw best. I made it clear that I would not tolerate abusive behaviour. He made some huge mistakes but eventually, left to his own devices, he chose to stop drinking.
Because I chose to stay with him through all of this, for a multitude of reasons, few of which had much to do with AH, my resentments grew and grew. I stopped trusting in AH's willingness to consider anyone other than himself and I am now trying to deal with all of my resentments and my fury at him. That is the hurdle that I built for myself and as we try to rebuild our marriage I am finding it jolly hard to climb over!
I thought that I was strong - not like an oak tree but like a silver birch that bent with the winds. When I came to accept that I was not as strong as I thought I started to learn how to look after myself and care for the young girl within me who had become scared of the man that she loved.
You are not crazy by the way!
It is ok, more than ok, to ask for help.
By the way did you read a book called Getting Them Sober?
First, thank you very much for the warm welcome and for sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate the time each of you have taken to respond to me and share your experiences and perspectives.
He plans to detox at home, but has agreed to see his primary care physician prior to doing so. He has been through rehab in the past, and hated the environment, particularly the drugs that he was on with the adverse side effects, as well as being around the other patients. He did say he may try it again, however, given no other choice. I'm not pushing anything -- it has to be on his terms.
Meanwhile, I have been trying to disengage, but I feel immense guilt for doing so, and on top of that I get feedback from him about basically what a coldhearted person I am, so I'm obviously not doing it right. Example: last night when he was very drunk and emotional, I sat there and listened and the few words I spoke were quiet and calm, in an attempt to be calm and rational. Then he turned on me all of a sudden saying how he expected that I was going to abandon him just like his ex-wife, and that I should be comforting him and hugging him. I told him that while I did love and support him, I didn't wish to enable him. Then he lashed out at me -- essentially telling me that it was partly my fault that he drank so much. If I were more affectionate, more passionate, thinner, sexier, and more exciting, he would feel more loved and wouldn't drink so much. (I know that this is typical behavior. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but it's difficult.) I walked away, upset, and he followed me, throwing the words back that I said to him, raising his voice and using a sarcastic tone.
Today (when he was sober) he expressed his disappointment in me about how I handled the situation poorly, and that I should have comforted him when he was upset by hugging and kissing him. I told him that I'm feeling overwhelmed, and I recognize that I'm not perfect, but I'm doing the best that I can. I suggested that if he would like to persue a relationship with someone who is more affectionate, more exciting, and more sexually attractive to him, we could end our relationship and he could be free to do so. He doesn't want to do that, and claims that he loves me. He thinks I'm giving up. Hence, more guilt -- even when I'm trying my best, it's not good enough.
I'm sorry to whine and complain. I know that others have it much worse. Thanks for clarifying re: "closed meetings." I'm going to try to get the courage to go to one. Milkwood, I have not read that book. (My mindset has been that he has to be the one to get himself sober, if he so chooses.) However, based on the reviews on Amazon, it sounds as though this book is more about practical suggestions for the sober partner, which is what I think I need now. Thank you for the recommendation.
Al-anon face to face meetings saved my sanity and I hope you are able to find meetings and dive in. I read above and saw someone reply about the closed al-anon meetings, I have never seen that in my area, but either way it sounds as if you qualify whether open or closed by being affected by someone else's drinking. I am so glad you found us here at MIP and are receiving lots of ESH and love from fellow al-anoners. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was an amazing read when I first found MIP and I hope you can find a copy and other great books and literature to help you gain the tools that can help you grow and take care of yourself in the midst of it. I am sending you much love and support on our journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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