trying to understand the process - Al-Anon Family Group

Compliments · Member

trying to understand the process

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Compliments wrote:
why must I accept and why must i be the one to change , I am not a drinker , I do not abuse, I care deep and love deep only to be abused by an alcoholic, not only an alcholic but a workaolic why can't he change , why can't he see that he is about to lose his family, I can't take much more of the put down, the your too lazy,........... , if he wants it done a certain way well all the power to him I no longer jump when he barks,,,
I was told to stop being a victim ? I am a victim , I am a victim of verbal abuse , 18 years of being told , I am no good , only in the last two years have I looked at myself and said where did I go? where did the confident, out going , filled with laughter girl go , I want that girl back , how do I undo all this thinking, how do i build up my self esteem to where it was , i know i have it within me and it is frustrating to know better but not be able to do better

Hey Newbie.....oh i so relate to you.......i was exactly where you are now, but being here, In alanon, I am NOT that sick, people pleasing lady anymore....why must you change??? b/c that is where life begins...in US, not them.....you cannot change him, noone can change him but HIM...so why should you waste your time trying?? How about focusing you you and your life and your happiness??? you can....right here...with us...in alanon....alanon is for US...alanon is to help us save US.......I relate to the put downs...my Ex was so bad EX#1, that is, that i began to lose my self esteem, what was left of it after my childhood, i began to think i was ugly, useless, just like "good ole home" and it was HIM shoving his inventory onto me.......i dilnd't see that till recovery....but yea, i walked away from my abusers, got into alanon and worked to change ME so it wont' happen again to me....I had to change MY coda sick life WITHIN ME in order for anything to stick...hoping others will treat me with respect if I don't treat me that way is a lose lose situation....love/respect/boundaries are all inside jobs....You can do this...YOu can....say you CAN...because I know you CAN...you came here right?? that means you want a better life....you CAN with alanon you CAN.....as to victim???? yea you WERE a victim, so was i, but with alanon you can stop being a victim by setting boundaries...i know this is confusing, just hang with us and try to get to some meetings in your area or her on line and you will step by step understand how to go from victim to victory....you can...I did it so you can do it.....and self esteem comes w/working on you, changing how you think......we teach people how to treat us...being a victim so long, i felt like i had a cat litter box on my back for anyone to dump on me.....not anymore....alanon helped me take my life back.........I am so glad you showed up here....you just took your first step to reclaiming the life you richly deserve....good on you!!! next step?? just hang out w/ us alanons, go to the meets, and you will learn how to work this program.....when you begin to get your feet wet, you will become familiar with the steps and slogans and literature...sounds like a lot, but as you get used to it, it is not.......alanon saved my sanity...........sending you LOADS of SUPPORT

-- Edited by neshema2 on Sunday 16th of November 2014 01:35:55 PM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Compliments!

Developing acceptance and having the courage to change aren't a part of the "battle of wills" between you and the alcoholic in your life. They are something entirely separate and they are for you and you only.

"Don't be a victim" doesn't mean that what you are living in isn't unfair, abusive or even absolutely unbearable. Those things are probably true and it's good and healthy to recognise that the situation is unbearable and very unfair to you. Living with an alcoholic is freaking awful and no-one here would dispute that! You SHOULD recognise that and feel compassionate towards yourself. It just means, you aren't helpless, you don't have to give up and accept it and feel miserable forever. You have choices, and one of them is al-anon.
No-one here (or anywhere really) can tell you how to make your husband stop being an alcoholic. You could waste your entire life trying, but it probably wouldn't make any difference to him at all. He will only change if and when he decides he wants to, and that may happen or it may not, ever.

But you can be happy and live a full and wonderful life, whether you do that and remain with your husband or move on without him is up to you to decide, on your own timetable.
Al-anon is purely for you and can help you to see yourself as a wonderful, deserving person who can be happy and make choices that are healthy and enjoyable for you. It can help you get yourself back. What it can't do is fix your alcoholic. He isn't really a part of this, it's just for you. That's part of what is so awesome about it.

Also, welcome!!! It's nice to meet you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, the only change I could bring about were changes that I enacted. That's where my power resided. I could choose to live alone. I could choose to live with him as he was. I could choose to accept that living with an active A was damaging to me and to my children - or not. I chose to live alone. I chose to stop looking to him to make any changes I wanted to see happen. I chose to see myself as a woman who could start over and live again. I didn't and won't ever "go back" to the person I was once upon a time because I couldn't and can't do that. I could accept myself and all the experiences I had enjoyed and deplored and choose to live again in a new way with new wisdom or I could have continued to push at him to change and waste my time and energy some more. The Serenity Prayer is a very good one for me. It helps me focus on a HP that believes in me, believes in my ability to make changes and shows me where I am powerless. When I put my focus on me and what I could do, I noticed I didn't care as much about what he did and didn't do. I stopped giving my power to an untreated A and my life improved - painfully at times and joyfully at others - one day at a time.

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Living with an A nearly did me in...it is now 4 years after he moved out..and the exAH is still around because of the kids we share.

Today, I can choose whether to board the train to crazy town -- and I have learned that I can detach from his illness. I don't like him, I still resent that I work all the time while he lies around and reads...but I am in charge of my life now. It's incredibly freeing for me to let go of his crazy, and focus on what I need to do for my family. He can no longer make me a victim of his stupid, impulsive buying and financial decisions, I don't have to listen to his abusive foolishness, and I can detach.

It took me a while to take back my power, and there are still times I feel victimized by him and resentful. I had to take baby steps. First I separated financially...step by step. That way if he blew his whole check, I was still in control of my finances and could still pay the light bill. It did not impact me as much. I chose not to depend on him AT ALL. If he came through with $100 here and there, it was great, but I had no expectations. Then I started drawing boundaries about what I would do if he was abusive to me verbally. I told him I would no longer listen to it, so I told him he could text me if he couldn't talk to me in a civil way. Yesterday, he brought rifles here for the kids to have. I told him I did not want them in the home. He is angry about it, but it is my right to have a gun free home if that is what I choose.

I can control how I choose to engage with him...and I refuse to get back on that terrible merry-go-round.

Baby steps helped me, taking back my independence one little decision at a time...and over time, I began feeling less like a victim, and more like a person with choices. Be kind to yourself...it's a long, painful process.

(((HUGS)))))

-- Edited by rehprof on Sunday 16th of November 2014 02:35:30 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Compliments wrote:

only in the last two years have I looked at myself and said where did I go? where did the confident, out going , filled with laughter girl go , I want that girl back , how do I undo all this thinking, how do i build up my self esteem to where it was , i know i have it within me and it is frustrating to know better but not be able to do better
A newbie in learning ...

Deal Compliments Welcome to MIracles in Progress . I copied a quote from your well-written, insightful posting and would like to say that quote is the reason we must accept the fact that we need to change.

By living with the disease of alcoholism we too have become negatively infected, lost ourselves, our self-esteem, and self-worth and have developed negative coping skills which have harmed us. By accepting the fact that we are powerless over people, places and things, we learn that the only person we can changes is ourselves, and we can then turn our attention on to that we can do to help ourselves and stop focusing on the behavior of the alcoholic over which we have no control.

As you are no doubt aware alcoholism is a progressive, fatal dreadful disease that can be arrested and never cured. AA is a recovery program of successful for the person who drinks and Al-Anon offers powerful recovery tools for those of us who have shared our lives with an alcoholic.

By learning to keep the focus on ourselves, living one day at a time, detaching our emotions from the alcoholic and learning to respond and not react we finally learn how to regain your self-esteem and self-worth. That is the whole point of reaching out and saying I need help. Breaking the isolation caused by this disease is critical as we cannot recover alone.

I urge you to search out face-to-face meetings in your community and attend. Keep coming back here as well there is hope and help

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Compliments and welcome to the MIP board...you are family now so stick around often. Acceptance? One of the rocket science yet very simple processes I got to learn in the Al-Anon program. I said it like you said it and I was responded to with ...Its not accepting the morality of the situation...just the fact of it. Fact was that when I accepted that it was really happening and then deciding what I wanted to do about it...the good/bad of the disease became insignificant. It was always bad and I wasn't always doomed to it...I could change as has been said here. What was my part in it and what could I change. One change was that "she" was a sick person controlled by an incurable life threatening disease and not a bitch. Another thing was that I had the time, the ability and the facility (Al-Anon) to go to and learn that I wasn't alone and there were lots of solutions open to me. Another thing I learned was that I didn't cause it, couldn't controlit and would not cureit ever (Al-Anon's 3 Cees) and could change my responses and reactions to it.

Getting around lots of recovering members in the Al-Anon Family Groups was huge for me....saved my sanity and my life and gave me the emotion of gratitude to carry in my daily life. If you are not yet attending face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups we highly suggest it. You can find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs))))) smile

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

You must accept and You must change because you are tired of knocking your head against that brick wall and never having anything change.

When people in the program asked, "What was YOUR part in it?" it really made me mad. He was the one with a problem, not me. Finally I came up with MY part...... I allowed it..... and then set off a whole lot of soul searching and the 4th step over what I allowed and how I allowed it and why I allowed it.

This program comes with a lot of soul searching but the first thing you have to do is have awareness of the reality of the situation. Then you have to accept it.

Take care of yourself.

Compliments · Member

thank you everyone , i am at lost for words right now , i will continue to learn the steps, and follow the meetings here , then will look into the f2f meetings, thanks again so appreciated

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

He has a disease that controls him. He cannot just stop even if he wants to. He is allergic to alcohol and craves it. We either learn to live with it, making boundaries and consequences, fight on thru as it is or we leave.

Blame does no good as he would NEVER choose to be like this. NO one would.

Getting Them Sober volume one Toby Rice Drew is where I began and I tell ya it is perfect. you will see all your questions answered.

I invite you to look at yourself and stop responding to his madness. Good you are not allowing the disease to push you around.

His disease makes us so sick and we do lose our self. Believe me you are still in there. Keep coming, people will respond and guide you.

Take a breath. Someone told me once to drop the rock. meaning let it all go, give it to HP. breath he is going to do what he is, we can choose the same for ourselves. that book will help you. YOu can get it used on amazon for five bucks. it you need me to get one to you let me know.I would be honored to. hugs hon, keep coming

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.