anxiety and boundaries - Al-Anon Family Group

mjferg · Senior Member

anxiety and boundaries

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary: I can't remember if the x is abusive and an A or an A only? If abusive, call your Domestic Assault Center for ideas on what you can do to protect yourself. If not abusive, he is an A and they are very difficult to say goodbye to in my experience. I'd still ask the Domestic Assault Center for ideas on ways to protect yourself even if he hasn't been abusive up to this point or the police. I'd feel stalked at some point - especially when the A is calling the neighbor. It would make me wonder if he is also going by my house. The Serenity Prayer can be helpful, too. Sometimes, our fear or anxiety is not free floating but a wake up call.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Mary,

I have a friend who had an ex boyfriend who would not leave her alone. Eventually she called the police and they had a word with the ex and he never contacted her again. The important thing is for you to feel safe and I like Grateful's suggestion of getting advice from an assault centre if you feel ill at ease. I imagine that you need to have peace and space to recover from the relationship.

The best thing that I've found to help me deal with anxiety is to do something that I enjoy. I have also found meditation and yoga to be extremely helpful as well. With time we find new ways to occupy our minds and happy distractions have helped me to create new more constructive pathways in my thinking.

mjferg · Senior Member

Thanks, those are all great ideas, and yes he has anger problems.I don't think he will come to my house but if he did I would definitely call the sheriff, he does get into a very agitated state,Honestly I think he is in the late stages of alcoholism.I think I just want to be done with it and I want him to really respect that, but I can't control him so all I can do is not react anymore.I think I have said enough and made it very clear to him, so that is all I can do.It just got so bad I think it will also take time to heal this,he did punch a hole in a kitchen cabinet one day and I think he is going insane,he is so erratic.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
Mary: I can't remember if the x is abusive and an A or an A only? If abusive, call your Domestic Assault Center for ideas on what you can do to protect yourself. If not abusive, he is an A and they are very difficult to say goodbye to in my experience. I'd still ask the Domestic Assault Center for ideas on ways to protect yourself even if he hasn't been abusive up to this point or the police. I'd feel stalked at some point - especially when the A is calling the neighbor. It would make me wonder if he is also going by my house. The Serenity Prayer can be helpful, too. Sometimes, our fear or anxiety is not free floating but a wake up call.

I could NOT agree wiht this post more.....I would be getting in contact w/a domestic violence shelter right away....this smells of stalking....start documenting stuff b/c you may need a police intervention......watch your comings and goings....don't do the same stuff at the same time..try not to be alone in unsafe areas...like take a friend with you....just be careful.......WATCH and PAY ATTENTION to your surroundings.......the anxiety you feel is real......deep inside you know this isn't right.......and yea, i can relate to wishing one would fall off the face of the earth.......i had an X boyfriend stalk me and its not fun....he would follow me, park under my bedroom window (i was in a 2nd floor apt), follow me, go to places i frequented, and finally i told my biker friends about my problem.....they scared the guy off...never saw him again....back in the 70's there was no protection against this sort of terrorism.....a girl was pretty much on her own, back then...now they have help.........i was scared....was having all kinds of ptsd problems till i cried on my biker friends and they took care of it for me......i really didn't care what they did to him....he scared me to death...he was violent, i dumped him b/c he grabbed me by the hair and yanked me in a car with him b/c i did not want to go w/him when he was drinking.....that was it for me....i got home and told him NEVA contact me again......the cops back then said he would have to actually physically assault me for them to do anything.....So I felt helpless as he stalked me, followed me, and yes, he contacted my neighbor friends...It was a nightmare.........Even after my friends took care of him, it took MONTHS for me to stop being paranoid.......when a relationship is over it is OVER...the parties should , if they are healthy, go their own way, walk their separate paths, let go and move on....some folks can't be dumped....to me that is borderline personality.....relationship isn't over till they say its over....BS!!!! back then i just knew i had a scary man following and pursuing me.......in desperation, i told some very rough but nice guys i was friends with about it......

anyway, i didn't mean to scare you, but as grateful said, your inner HP may be warning you, thus the anxiety.....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Myself I have learned when something icky comes into my mind, I immediately put in purple wild irises. To the point now after years, it happens naturally.

Anxiety is so uncomfortable. I won't give others that power over me. At first I might then I catch it and let it go. His behavior is his problem

Good for you for sticking to your rules. You could tell neighbor you would rather not hear if AH has called.

hugs

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you're doing what you can to protect yourself. It sounds like you're working the Alanon tools for healthy detachment. It is a very sad and horrible disease. I know that anxiety you speak of very well. I have found that any time I engage with my exAH, he will use ploys to try and manipulate, control, and outsmart me- this is just what the disease does. There is enough emotional distance and focus on myself where I no longer wonder or care if my exAH respects me. I'm so grateful to Alanon for helping me see things more clearly rather than through the eyes of the disease. This too shall pass. Sending prayers.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

mjferg, please call the authorities if you feel threatened. Anxiety is an emotion that will eat me alive if I allow it. When I feel anxious, I find something that distracts me from the source of my anxiety. I have recently taken up sewing. This really distracts me. Find something that helps you to relax.

I love your picture with the cat. I have a cat that is 16 years old. Her name is "Trashy." When she was about 5 or 6 weeks old, someone dumped her in my drive. She was such an ugly little thing and was infested with fleas. My son and I took her in, got rid of the fleas and she's been our Trashy ever since. smile

Take care of you, mjferg, and take one day at a time.

Keep working your program because it works if you work it.

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