The material presented
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Sorry about my last post, confusing as it was. Ive kind of got peed off with alanon lately. Ive been working it for nearly 3 years, I love it, its changed my life but... im Still working it, im not cured. I know this is not rational or logic. High expectations are dodgy. Ive realised my shortcomings that helped me live a crap life for years are still there. They are never going to go away forever. They are going to creep back, always there, everyday and of course why wouldnt they be. They have been with me for years, its ridiculous to expect they will go in a poof of smoke, never to return and me to emerge like a butterfly all shiny and new and perfect. lol. happy ever after, thats what I thought I was working towards, lol. Still in denial, just a new kind of denial that ive never dealt with before.
Theres a comfort In the old life, the madness and the misery. A familiar place. Alanon has given me so much, I was on cloud nine, maybe not cloud nine, maybe higher. Joining alanon was the best thing I ever did, ive changed so much, learned a lot about myself, ive made changes that needed to be made, learned I had choices. The madness and chaos has subsided for now for me and its not comfortable. Each and every crisis pushed me forward, now theres none but the fear of one exists. Theres new worries that are new worries, then I worry about worrying. Im like, what the hell ive dealt with this crap why is it back? The misery was never external because who have I got to blame today for choosing self pity and misery? Noone but me, thats the realisation and im hard on myself, im angry at myself for my humanness and people say your too hard on yourself, be kind and gentle, how? How do I do that, I had it sussed a while ago. Ive not been doing the work or enough work. It came easy in the beginning, its got harder. I read every day and my behaviour has improved but I still have those negative thoughts and potentially damaging, self sabbotaging shortcomings. Im feeling sorry for myself. do I need to surrender each and every one?
El-cee, take or leave this, once it was given to me and I was deeply eyerolling in Mora superiority,but later learned the long way; in the pie of your life,where is fun? You're young. (and me too). Fun. I get thoughtful,honest,wise,searching from you and at times a glimpse of humour. Play was raised elsewhere on the board. You've cleaned house,laid foundation, built programme. All very serious deep important stuff.....is your restlessness asking you for a bit of (healthy) fun?
I know where you are at!! I read your post and was like...hrm. Sounds familiar. This is what I went through at like 2 to 3 years sober in AA. It must be similar. It's like an after the storm sort of "now what?" We call it working on emotional sobriety. I think in alanon it would translate to working on serenity as your goal and no longer specifically focusing as much on crisis tools for dealing with a qualifier. I also think if I was your sponsor, I would say your are ripe to start taking on some of your own sponsees at this point.
I really am thankful for your post here...I think with being new, I'm kind of expecting this miraculous turn around. I have been doing well and then something will happen and poof! back to my old ways of reacting/dealing in an unhealthy way. I was really starting to think I am just more of a mess (which really could be true) but maybe it is all part of the process - with different steps along the way forever! I hope you find some fun...thanks for sharing and being real with your feelings.
Dear LC thank you for your honesty and clarity. You have grown tremendously and your hard work and dedication to the program has been reflected in your posts, in your attitude and in your compassion.
As far as our defects being lifted , never to return, I do believe that they are lifted and are no longer embedded deep within us. They do float overhead as the Courage to Change points out and our job is to not let them rebuild "Nests" in our hair. These defects are now available to us, if we choose but they are no longer our mandated behavior .
The true gift of Al-Anon is that we now have choices. The 12 th Step tells us to practice these principles in all our affairs after we have had the spiritual awakening.
I found that in order to keep my spiritual awakening I need to stay conscious, pray and meditate daily, stay aware every moment and choose my responses carefully. Living with program requires me to really stay in the moment and choose constructive actions.
Going on automatic caused me to revert to old bad behavior and that is very dangerous for me. Progress not perfection and we will all remain human as travel this journey. We are never a finished product.
Betty, I do love the analogy of birds building a nest..reminds me of the days of ratted hair and hairspray Anyway, I digress. Elcee, this is part of the process of coming to know ourselves and gives us practice in using our tools....when I am in this spot, I love HALT. Since this time of year is more stressful for you, do what you have not done before.....maybe come dancing with me and Catherine? Playing with those puppies of Milkwood's looks like fun, too
I think in alanon it would translate to working on serenity as your goal and no longer specifically focusing as much on crisis tools for dealing with a qualifier.
this is what I needed to see...working on serenity and not always ready for the next, for me, life crisis event....like it is OK for me to have PEACE, nothing going wrong, no trouble shooting unwanted events......seems i am always braced for the next rubber boot to go up my butt, why not just relax in the now??? turned my central heater on for the first time with this awful cold spell...fingers cross that it would work ok...its old, but i kept up service on it, did a real "re-do" dec. 2010 i think....anyway, i am "braced" for the thing to "act up" or not work...it was fine....I gave a thumbs up to creator, but WHY am i always braced?? like a prey animal grazing w/my teeth on my good, my eyes/ ears waiting for that big cat to come out of the bush??????
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Oh, wow! I was just having this same experience in my own recovery a few months ago. I actually walked out of a meeting before it even started because I truly just wanted to be done: done with Al Anon, done with 'working on myself'(whatever that meant at the time), done doing step 4 like 4 times already, blah blah blah....
But, like Paula said, I turn to HALT. I step back and I do take some time off from meetings. I meet my needs as they come up and I do my best to spend time in self-care, even if that doesn't include meetings. Yet, I always turn back to the program. I know what it has done for me and I know where I was 3 years ago and I don't want to go back. Recovery is hard, life is hard, but it's also fun and beautiful and meant to be enjoyed. I had to learn about BALANCE. I had to realize that life isn't just about recovery all the time. Life needed to have a pedicure, a massage, a talk with a friend, or a trashy book every once in a while. HUGS to you today. I understand completely!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I am always going to have fear, worry or down right get pissed off....but like Betty says it the choices I make and what to do with the emotion is what makes for a balanced life. If it doesn't go away I continue to work, pray, read, attend meetings and come to MIP and whine with a little cheese
It will pass...... ((( HUGS ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
((el-cee)) I appreciate your heart-felt post. The more miles I put into working the program in all of my affairs, the more I appreciate Alanon and MIP because I do have minutes, hours, days, weeks that it doesn't feel good being human and all that can go with it. Thankfully, this is an amazing family and we can witness and support each other's journeys and watch progress overcoming feeling stuck or overcoming obstacles.
If it makes you feel any better, on days that I feel as you're feeling, it usually means that I'm just about to take a step out of my comfort zone. When my daughter was a baby, getting ready to crawl, she would rock forwards and backwards on her hands and knees, trying so hard to figure out how to actually move forward rather than to rock back again. She'd rock back and forth for hours... until one day... determination won and she propelled herself across the room and more.
el-cee, a while back I felt I had completely failed in my program. I felt like a total failure and when I posted what had happened, so many rallied around me. From all the esh that everyone offered, I realized that I am a work in progress.
We all are a work in progress taking one day at a time.
I was also reminded of the slogan "progress not perfection."
So my dear friend, el-cee, you are a beautiful, warm work in progress!
Keep working your program.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I have called what you are going thru for me the "dead air" condition. Everything goes silent and I re-lapse back into the old subconscious thoughts, feelings, spirit and behavior. That is a given I learned because it was my habit before I found the rooms of Al-Anon and I practiced it daily and invested huge sums of myself into it and then I'm alone without an alcoholic/addict to focus on or blame and I'm going thru the same trauma of no self esteem and fear and confusion. I found out that it was natural to do that because it was part of my addictive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. My friend told me this morning that he had such an even yesterday evening and it surprised the hell out of him and confused him a lot. Its stuff we practiced well and now it's called being "stuck" in it. I love the words of Dr. Harry Tibout in the ODAAT daily reader on the difference between submission and surrender. If you have an ODAAT he is on page 143...If you don't PM me and I'll PM it back to you. See if it helps. ((((hugs))))
These defects are now available to us, if we choose but they are no longer our mandated behavior .
Anyway, I digress. Elcee, this is part of the process of coming to know ourselves and gives us practice in using our tools....when I am in this spot, I love HALT. Since this time of year is more stressful for you, do what you have not done before.....maybe come dancing with me and Catherine? Playing with those puppies of Milkwood's looks like fun, too