The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So today exH went to collect daughter at school. I checked with him a lot of times that the arrangement was still on and that he has to take her to her choir practice at 5 and bring her straight back home when it finishes at 6. So she should be back home before 6.30.
At 6.15 my friend from choir calls me to ask why we didn't show up?I explain to her and call exH straight away. He said he didn't take her to choir because she 'didn't' want to...and would bring her back home in 1hour time. I told him to bring her back straight away as arranged and reminded him that he signed an agreement saying that he would respect her activities. It is his job to take her to her activities. Of course she won't go if you put the TV on and tell her it is ok to be flaky.
He brings her back and then I ask him why he hasn't paid maintenance this month yet? He said it is because he has agreed to pay on the 1st of each month and as he moved on the 2nd of this month, he hasn't got to pay this month yet, and will start from next month. Because on the 1st of this month he was still living here (even tough he was moving next day). Seriously. He wasn't joking or even trying to be cheeky. It is how his brain works. I had to explain to him that he still had to pay for this month. From the 1st of this month I am responsible for all the bills + all the food on the table, even though he moved out on the 2nd.. It is irrelevant if he moved on the 2nd. He has not contributed to nothing this month so why shouldn't he pay? Honestly, it wasn't about him saving money, he is just so brain damaged that he can't see/understand the obvious. That is one of the many reasons I couldn't share my life with him anymore. I am sorry but his level of understanding is very low. I don't have patience. Having a relationship with him was making me dumb. And I want to go up not down.
But he messaged me to say that I am causing problems...now let's explain again: He failed to comply with the agreement. He failed to take daughter to her activity. He failed to let me know she wasn't going to be there so I couldn't even apologise to the teacher. He is teaching her that is ok to let people down and be flaky. He is not bringing her back on the agreed time. And he is not paying maintenance.....and he says I AM causing problems? Really?
He made an online bank transfer as soon as he got to his house. At least I can stop thinking about it now.
On the bright side, daughter said that his room in the new house is immaculate. New clean sheets, very organised and looking very nice. She said she didn't see him drinking. And he was a little happier than last time she saw him.
He is supposed to see her briefly tomorrow between one activity and another and spend Saturday afternoon with her. A sleep over could be in the cards. Lets see.
And BTW, I know she probably has too many activities going on but it is all of her choosing. If he had fixed days to see her I would make sure she would have no activities on that day so they could spend as much time as possible together. But his schedule at work is unpredictable, I will not let her life stop just in case he has time off to see her. Tough. He will have to adjust. When he had all the opportunity to see her at any time, he chose the bar instead.
The wedding photos are already stored away, out of my view.
Thanks for listening one more time.
-- Edited by Luiza on Wednesday 12th of November 2014 06:20:16 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Hi! I didn't get to welcome you on your first post! You will love it here - finding this board has been pivotal in starting my recovery ( I'm just getting started although I have been living with an AH for 19 years...some of us figure things out slower - LOL! )
It sounds like you are doing really well with boundaries and sticking to what needs to be done for you and your daughter. Keep up the good work and stay strong!
You're doing great Luiza. I agree totally with your mom sentiment and beliefs,re activities. Chances of him seeing it,probably slim to none. Let us all let out a collective sigh of frustration with you, and then kick em out of our heads with something happy or fun. Being not good at fun, I hand this to the board. In support of happy I say, I loved that red dress of yours the other day! Hugs and high fives.
I love the peacock, Luiza. Exquisite. I don't love what I'm reading and I'm not surprised at what I'm reading. Alcoholics don't like feeling like they are being told what to do among other things. He is probably going to balk on a lot of things you want to see happen for her just because you want to see them happen and/or because he doesn't agree with you and acts that out in passive aggressive ways. What might happen if schedule a weekend day when she doesn't have activities with a Saturday if he doesn't work or a Sunday if he doesn't work? Could that help the situation for her?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 12th of November 2014 08:17:44 PM
On the first week of November I sent him an email with all of her activities schedule. He claimed he didn't receive it. So yesterday I printed it and gave to him. From now on I will let him having contact only on the days she is free. I will not trust him to take her to her activities anymore.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I love the peacock, too Kudos for you for seeing the positives and the way south of positives and making changes that will most benefit your daughter while trying the best you can to keep intact the relationship she has with her father (manchild) You are doing great, Luiza.
Kudos for you for seeing the positives and the way south of positives and making changes that will most benefit your daughter while trying the best you can to keep intact the relationship she has with her father (manchild)
You are doing great, Luiza.