The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes ive got a real urge to get to the nitty gritty, to say what isnt really said. To let it out there without the excuses, you know? To shake it up and stir it up. I get restless in the peace. I cant find progress in the peace. I know alanons about taking it slow, or is it really? If we knew freedom was waiting wouldnt we run and take it fast? it says dont stop a crisis, I think thats because right there lies the awareness, right in the middle of the crisis. We should welcome the bright harsh crisis, not hush it and calm it and sooth it.
I think crises in and of themselves aren't bad. The only being able to live in crisis is exhausting. The being able to pick and choose which crisis I want to address, and consciously choose my reaction to it, I would think would be priceless.
I (hope) I understood the messages my HP wanted to send me through my 2 month crisis when exH and I were separated but living under the same roof. It was hard but it was necessary too. I managed to remain sane because I decided to trust my HP and I was confident I made the right decision. And of course because of this board here.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Dear LC, I do believe Al-Anon is about finding serenity and living with courage and wisdom. The crisis's that many of us lived through on a daily basis before finding Al-Anon have left us depleted and our lives unmanageable. Al-Anon sounds the bells of hope and assures us that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that once we embrace the program, the principles and the philosophy , we will find a peace that surpasses understanding. I believe that this is the promise of the 12 th step. Before we get to the 12 th step we have a difficult road to travel. The 11 steps before 12 are not easy and require a great deal of courage and willingness to go the distance, confront the crisis within and trust the process. I have seen you do just that on a daily basis as you share the journey with us.
I know that Al-Anon tells us to let go of judgment, blame and criticism and be honest and open about who we are what we need. That being "as sick as our secrets " has kept us locked in a tunnel of denial and pretend that we are unable to breathe and enjoy the beautiful world around us
If you feel like breaking free and stirring the pot, confronting a crisis the safest place to do that is right here or at your Al-Anon meetings. The more we can share and release from deep within the healthier we become.
I am here and listening, all that comes to mind is to say what you mean, mean what you say without saying it mean. Can you further elaborate? Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Years of chaos and one crisis after another are what led me to Al-Anon. And awareness through Al-Anon has taught me that I was sick and needed help. Not sure if my thought process is along the lines of your post el-cee, but this is what came to my mind when I read your post.
Thanks for sharing,
It works if you work it!
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I've had that mind set a time or two and it was justified by my inventories. I use to "rush" to justice and often would regret it. In discussing my lack of understanding the outcome my sponsor gave me a qualifying question I still ask myself years later when I think I should jump at what I think the solution is. The question is "Could you be wrong"? Wasn't that one reason I was so qualified for Al-Anon in the first place. I "thought" I knew the solution and often times didn't even know what the problem was. He gave me another thought after more work on the condition when I thought I had more justification and experience to rush head long into the issue. My justification became "I can" which is the enablers war cry and he, my sponsor said..."Of course you can...but should you"? I just passed that on to a recent member in our local home group who was doing the same thing I use to do...rush to fix...and she came back to the group and related that it has helped her stay out of trouble because she gives herself more time to consider what she is doing and what the outcome use to be. Same thing I did. That was the truth of me and here we are supporting each others...(((((hugs)))))
I think crises that directly involve us must be faced honestly by us. My problem has been taking on and wanting to fix the crises of those around me with my controlling ways...that's when I loose my peace. Great post...thanks for sharing and making me think!
Thanks for your perspectives, just thinking out loud. To be honest, this forum frustrates me at times. Sometimes I wonder why we cant just say it straight, whys it got to be sugar coated and softly softly? Why not say it clear? Whats wrong with that? Going around about to say it to someone that doesnt want to hear it, it looses its power, why not be direct and clear? What might happen if its said that way? Im talking about denial and its persistence, isnt that our enemy? And if so why do we stroke it instead of challenge it? Doesnt that encourage it to survive longer?
Then the truth of me creeps in and I can see my own issues projecting outwards. I can see that I want things done my way, I want to be right, im playing out my shortcomings, im resentful, jealous and bitter and it is everywhere in my life, played out in different ways with different people but its there. I want to be ready to be rid of these shlrtcomings, I think im getting there because the justifications and excuses are less powerful, I am less likely to believe my own denial.
-- Edited by el-cee on Wednesday 12th of November 2014 02:53:13 AM
When I first read your initial post I was mindful of how crisis had become a normal state for me and I am aware that when things are peaceful and calm I sometimes push a little and thereby unleash some new unrest. I think that I do it for two reasons - the first being that I know how to cope with a crisis and am slightly addicted to it, the second because I think that perhaps, one day, when I push a little I'll get a hug instead of a shouting match. Silly old me!
Why can't we say it straight? I think we can if what we are saying includes respect and acceptance for the other as well. However, I can't know someone else's circumstances, heaven's I don't even know my own reality half the time! When I read posts here at MIP I see pointers so that I can find my own path and I think that my point of view changes according to how much I can take on at any given time.
I am finding that disbelieving my own denial is a place of no return. I believed all was well with my rose coloured glasses, but now I have lost them I keep trying to adjust the picture but it seems that full rainbow vision is the new pink! That is a good thing for me, but brings with it some need for change and a lot less comfort in the short term.
I love Jerry's comment of 'I can, but should I?' That 'I can' phrase has landed me in terrible trouble before now, sort of 'I think I can, therefore I am'! So I have been saying 'I can't' much more recently, which carries its own perils of undermining my self esteem. Thank you Jerry for passing it on - 'I can, but should I?' is a great way of dealing with it.
I thought that was perhaps what you meant with the initial post but I wasn't sure I get what you are saying.
Sometimes when I read posts, I have to sit on my fingers to stop myself from responding and let the patience of others gently post...it is best that I stop, take my inventory, breathe, wait and then respond. I may still be direct, though.
Love your honesty and self reflection LC I really believe that" saying it direct" to someone who does not want to hear it is destructive and hurtful and will drive them away .
The C2C points out that our defects are like the bark on a tree-they have been placed there to protect us-like the bark on the tree. The tree can cast off the old bark when ready but If a deer scratches off the bark too soon, it damages the health of the tree,
Alanon give us tools to let go of our negative tools and we can do so when we are ready and not before or we will be damaged. That is why it is important to share with kindness and respect and reveal our own issues so the other can identify and feel safe enough to go within and start to find their own answers,
just as you are doing ODAT.
Even when you are blunt with people who are steeped in denial - it still goes right over their head PLUS then they get defensive. I understand where you are coming from. When I get particularly frustrated, I recall that I had to screw up and whine and complain and seek suggestions and then not take them for....oh about a decade before I became Mr. Perfect 12 steps (LOL). Fact is, people learn from mistakes even if it seems they are not. They maybe need to learn from making the same mistakes over and over which is what happened with me. I had not 1 dysfunctional relationship where I forced my will upon others. It was a life long pattern. And with my drinking....I can't even tell you the amount of times people tried to break it down to me after I caused or was in some crisis and then I just kept on going.
I guess the answer is to pray for change within them. Be true to yourself and give feedback you think may be useful but sensitive, and be the change you want to see in the world. Crappy relationships, alcoholism, abusive people - These are societal ills. If you become "The Avenger" persona, it will make you jaded and tired. This is just how I manage to ride the line of being caring, but firm sometimes and also not becoming jaded and annoyed by problems in the world that are never going to go away.
There is nothing wrong with seeing what you see and saying what you see if it really is something your HP wants you to say, elcee, if somebody opens the door for you to do that. I would think it can feel like an ambush if somebody is pushed to see what they cannot see because it is the person speaking who sees it. That may not be the intent of the speaker, but the listener may take it that way.
For me, it all boil down to motives that helps me determine if I should say a hard truth or not. If it doesn't matter to me what the other person does with the information I share, then generally I am operating in the power of grace. If I want the other person to get it, change it, see it, wake up to it - then, its really me who needs to take my advice and ask another to help me see what I am having a hard time seeing in an up close and personal way. If I intuit that the listener will use the information I can impart to hurt themselves, I won't say it. If there is an inner emotional push, push, push to say what's on my mind - its more about me than the other person. If there is a gentle niggling, then in my experience it is my HP who is inviting me to say something that can benefit the listener maybe not when I say it but later. There is a difference between encountering a person in pain versus confronting a person in pain.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 12th of November 2014 08:53:43 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 12th of November 2014 08:56:20 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 12th of November 2014 08:59:35 AM
el-cee your wrote in your last reply, "Why not say it clear? Whats wrong with that? Going around about to say it to someone that doesnt want to hear it, it looses its power, why not be direct and clear?" and "Im talking about denial and its persistence, isnt that our enemy?"
You are absolutely right, denial is our enemy, but no one is going to be able to force someone to see something they are not ready to see no matter what they do or how they tell them, whether it's sugar coated or straight out. I agree with Betty, if anything, it will hurt the person more and may even force the person into deeper denial. We can try and guide the person along until the person is ready to accept they are living in denial.
I can understand your frustration. my ah is in denial that he is an alcoholic. I could be straight forth and tell him he is in denial, but I know this would only reinforce that denial wall and make it even stronger. So instead, I have left some leaflets (Merry go round of Denial) lying around the house hoping he will pick them up and look at them. And he actually has picked them up. I know this because they have been moved from the places I left them. By doing it this way, I'm not reinforcing that denial wall. Hopefully, and by the grace of my HP, I'm chipping away at his wall of denial. Also, I'm accomplishing this without any chaos.
I really liked what PC said "I guess the answer Is to pray for change within them. Be true to yourself and give feedback you think may be useful but sensitive, and be the change you want to see in the world."!
Great advice!
Thanks for sharing el-cee.
It works if you work it.
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
