And you've come to the right place as a first step to finding the help and rekindling hope for yourself whether or not he continues to drink.  Welcome to MIP.  All of us have experienced some if not all of what you are realizing is true about your husband and your life.  It is not unusual for folks to ignore the elephant in the room which is alcoholism.  They don't know what to do about it and so they deny its existence.  What you have done is allowed yourself to see what is happening to your husband who is a good man with a crippling disease.  We recommend attending Al-Anon meetings for families and friends of problem drinkers.  There you will find the education, the support and the tools you will need to make changes you can live with.  Come back here, too.  We understand how heartbreaking this disease is to watch destroy the people we love most if they don't get help for their disease.  Because it is so cunning, baffling and powerful a disease, we also are affected by it although we don't always realize that because our focus is on the alcoholic and not on ourselves.  It is important for us to get the help we need so that this disease doesn't destroy us, too.  You didn't cause this disease.  You can't control it or cure it.  You can protect yourself and the children from it with help in the Alanon program whether or not he continues to drink. 

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 11th of November 2014 12:04:29 AM

 

 

I can only repeat what Grateful has said...look in the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area or you can check Al-AnonWSO.org on line and see what they offer.  You're in the right place and we have lots of room left over.  Welcome to the board...More family coming to greet and treat you.   (((((hugs)))))

jmc wrote:

---

He's a good person but he loves his alcohol more than anything else in this world and it makes me sick.  I feel so stuck. Why do I even love someone that doesn't care about me? I want my marriage to work out but I dont think I can take much more disappointment. I'm almost completely out of hope. 

---

 Welcome to our alanon family and you are in the right place.....boy does it stink when ya realize and accept  "i am married to an alcoholic"  my 2nd husband, didn't seem to be an A,...1st one?? yea, but 2nd one?? didn't seem to have a big problem till we were married and actually living together, and he was in the navy and i just didn't think...didn't want to think he was alcoholic, but he WAS....he was good to me, sweet guy but i left him or rather kicked him out of the house (he had the base to go to) b/c he refused to get into AA..i wanted him in AA..me in alanon, he refused...the booze was more important then our marriage, so be it....i figured if i was gonna be single, i may as well REALLY be single....

alanon suggests that we dont' make major moves till we have been in recovery for at least 6 months, that first 6 months , it is suggested we go to as many meetings as there are days, find a sponsor who can help us go through the steps and literature....it sounds like a grind, but i have found so much love coming here, making friends, sharing recovery with mates with whom i work the program over the phone...face to face work with recovery folks.....I am accepted, loved, encouraged, and BIG thing...I am NOT ALONE....Neither are you.....You did the right thing coming here....its tough...it sucks, to be honest, but ya know???  alanon showed me how to get off thinking of others, and onto working on me, saving me, helping me, etc.....I am so sorry you drew these cards.......and i am glad you came here bc alanon will show you how to play the hands we are dealt in a healthy, balanced, effective way......I do hope you will give this program a chance....SO glad you reached out....suffering alone , keeping the secret...been there..done that and i was as sick as my secret...when i came forward about it and MY problems b/c alcoholism impacted my entire life with parents, adn then relationships , husbands,  yea, alcohol messed up my life,  life got better when i came forward and got into recovery................sending you hugs of support.....

Welcome JMC You are not alone so please do check out the face to face meetings and keep coming back here as well-- There is help and hope.

You breathe all day right? Do you love air more than your children? More than anything in the world? Not the best comparison, but you see what I mean? Just because he does it, doesn't mean he love it. I drank and smoked long after I hated both with a passion. What I loved was the feeling of not being in withdrawal and craving. Similar to being suffocated for a while and then being able to take that first gasp of air and then you breathe deep, huffing and puffing for a several minutes longer to get back to "normal." That is what it feels like to prolong drinking or even smoking cigarettes when you are addicted. His drinking is not something he does out of love. It's an addiction and it's due to sickness. It's not a "well" choice that someone makes out of love.

I'm only saying that because if you interpret that it's a choice made out of love, you are comparing yourself and the kids to alcohol. It's not a direct 1 to 1 comparison. Alcoholics chase the delusion that they can have it all. They chase the delusion that they can have alcohol AND you and the family. They often go to extreme measures (hiding bottles and such and other blatantly distorted logic) to keep the delusion alive that they can handle the drinking and still be a good husband and father. This is where they then try and hide it and keep it a secret and lie about it because by that point, the illness has a grip on them and the disease is such that it whispers to the person that it is the solution to their problem rather than the cause of it. I felt compelled to share this with you because alanon is about you no longer being in competition with the bottle and your husbands disease. This is not a competition and that is a set up for you to feel angry and bitter when you "lose."

So it's fine and expected to get mad at the disease, but addiction is not love. This doesn't mean you have to live with it forever if you don't want. Maybe staying with an alcoholic long term will be too much for you. You don't have to figure all that out just now. It is a particularly frustrating sickness because the person often refuses to get better with recovery and it's a disease of the mind that tells the alcoholic that they don't have the disease after short intervals of sobriety.

Anyhow, I would follow up with Alanon. It will help you find your healthiest self. It will model recovery for him. All around, it promotes focus on your wellness rather than his sickness.

hi jmc and welcome to MIP. You are among friends here who know your pain. Please find f2f Al-Anon meetings and go. You may think alcoholism is your husband's disease, but it has affected you profoundly, also. I'm glad you found MIP. Please keep coming back.

One of my favorite Al-Anon slogans is "Let go and let God."

It works if you work it!

As for right now, I would be more comfortable with online meetings. I feel so embarrassed, angry and just heart broken that my husband is an alcoholic. It makes me so upset that I have two beautiful healthy children that have an alcoholic for a father. My dad is an alcoholic. I have been around alcohol my whole life and I feel like I will be surrounded by it until the day I die.  My husband did'nt start drinking until he joined the military. His father drinks too. I don't know if his father is an alcoholic but my husband is. I realize this now. 

I just found my way on here, after trying to desperately call the Al Anon hotline (which directed me to call back during business hours) and I need help. This ENTIRE page has helped me.. in desperation I started copying and pasting some of the quotes into a document that I know I will be referring to in the near future.

Thank you to all of you who posted in this room. It saved be from a huge mental breakdown tonight.

 

 

JMC...here is a thought truth that you can keep in mind and reviewing time to time so that you don't fall into the guilt and shame game..."I didn't Cause it...I cannot Control it...I will not ever Cure it".  That is the 3Cees of Al-Anon.  Embarrassment isn't called for.  He is and so are the rest of you consumed by an AMA (American Medical Association) registered disease.   It is not a moral issue or an issue of intelligence or social integrity...This is a disease which if not arrested by total abstinence will progress into insanity and death.   If we/you knew better you might do better and that doesn't mean fix your alcoholic husband or any other alcoholic or the victims such as yourself from this disease.  Glad you are here cause for me it took a family of recovering people to help me find sanity and then save my life.   Stick around, keep coming back, listen to the suggestions that are offered and follow thru on them when you best can...continue to practice what those who have survived this life threatening disease have done cause what they work works when we work it also.    (((((hugs)))))