The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I drove to the airport yesterday and he made a proposal to me for how we can handle this divorce. His words? "We do nothing." Umm, say what?
He wants us to sell the house and then we both move into our own rentals and he will continue to support 2 households using the proceeds from the house to help us all along. He will be able to keep me on his insurance this way and plans for us to be able to do this until 2017. He said that going to a lawyer is a rash decision and that we can have a monthly budget meeting where we hold each other accountable for our spending, etc.
Now, here's where it gets even better......I asked him how he intends to have relationships with women in the future since he wants affection and sex in his life. He said, "Oh, we can date. I mean, if I want to meet a lady out for a drink or coffee, that's totally Ok. Because, as I see it, we're not actually married. We'll just be financially married. Oh, and you can go out to coffee with a guy too, if you please."
At that point, I was dying inside trying to control my shock and disbelief and, honestly, laughter. I mean, who comes up with stuff like this? Does he really think I want to waste all the equity in the house for a few years and still be tied to him financially? Does he understand the meaning of these words that I have spoken over the years, "You get a second DUI and we're all going to pay because it's prison for 4 months for you and an insurmountable amount of money in fines, jail fees, and court costs." Why on earth would I want to stay connected to an alcoholic financially when they're the biggest risk factor in the equation? Oh boy!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I can only think of adapting the words from Star Wars. "The Denial is strong in this one, Luke." It's so ironic that he's showing you who he is so strongly when he thinks he's being all businesslike and rational. Oh boy. Good thing you have major awareness!
This might sound crazy, but you could just legally separate. I went to a divorce workshop presented by a lawyer and he suggested this option so that you could still have insurance and tax advantages, while at the same time protecting yourself financially. A mediator can provide you with information on how to do this in your state. Just a thought....
Green Eyes, I did the research on a legal separation in AZ and it's basically the same thing as a divorce except that we aren't able to get remarried. Quite frankly, I am ready to move on with my life and don't want to be tied to him in any way. That also means I want to be able to date some day in the future. Also, the cost of a separation is the same as a divorce here and since I don't think the marriage is going to be salvageable, I'd hate to invest in a separation and then have to spend the same money on a divorce down the road.
Believe me, that was my thinking last year but now I realize, it's not such a great idea, LOL! He'd still have control and be in my life to some degree and I truly want a clean break!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Good for you, I think its progress to see how clear you view things. I know I would have been tempted at one time due to guilt and people pleasing and anything to keep the peace.
Wow, you could both stay married and date, it's like vows don't even count. I am glad you are doing the best things for you and moving forward. Big steps, big growth and big awareness. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
BF, yeah, not just date. He even told me that if I find someone I want to marry, then obviously we'd have to call off our marriage and finally divorce. I mean, that takes more than just casual dating for me to find someone to marry again, LOL. What kind of guy would I find out there if I said, "Hey, I'm married but we decided it was Ok to date other people and we're just married on paper because it's easier financially for HIM." Yeah, I'm going to find on heck of an upstanding guy.....NOT!
I mean, did he seriously think I'd agree to this??? And, of course, he told me, AGAIN, that the tennis for our son would be over if I went ahead with the divorce. I'm getting really tired of hearing that one.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Of course, he told you that tennis for your son would be over if you went ahead with the divorce, sister. It keeps you on the hook. The world will not come to an end for your son if he was no longer in tennis. It would change and maybe for the better for him? Your AH knows exactly what buttons to push in you to upset you. My x used to call me to threaten going to court to obtain fulltime custody for the children he didn't even pick up when it was scheduled for him to do so. When I could see the game, I could get myself off the hook.
His plan is certainly crazy making for you. I'm glad you aren't buying into the insanity of his thinking.
Pretty much, I already have a plan for my son's tennis. His coach is willing to work with him for free, which AH does NOT know about. And, I found a program that will cost me $150 a month for practices instead of the $425 a month I was paying. I have a friend who has tons of hotel points and she offered to help us out with free hotel rooms or discounts when the time comes, etc. I have dog sitters already in line and programmed into my phone, etc.
One of the things AH claimed was that I conveniently pinned him at home with the dog so that he couldn't attend tournaments, etc. I didn't take the bait. We've had THAT discussion before and I made it clear that we could find dogsitters and that local tournaments here in town would be super easy for him to attend. As a matter of fact, our son has had 2 tournaments here in town this past month and AH never made an appearance. It's all a convenient excuse for him to blame me and make his life miserable.
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I can relate to the alcoholic insanity, which at the moment seemed completely sane..."Well, hon, we could get divorced, and I'll fix up the garage (that's connected to the house) and stay there and pay you some rent so as to help pay the bills here. This way you get your alimony every month through the bills getting paid. What do you think?"
LMAO!
I laughed so hard reading your post that Violet my gf asked what was so darn funny! I read it to her and she died laughing too... she like the part where you say, "I mean, who comes up with stuff like this?" Answer... an alcoholic. LOL
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
It feels so funny reading this now with a clear brain. Grateful that was my ex-A threat as well. He was going to take custody of the son he barely sees. However, I was so used to second guessing myself at the time it felt horrible to hear. I finally feel like I have me back... I would have just thought his thinking was insane.
It is amazing when you really don't feel safe...how your own thinking becomes distorted.
Wow, you could both stay married and date, it's like vows don't even count. I am glad you are doing the best things for you and moving forward. Big steps, big growth and big awareness. Sending you love and support on your journey!
these replies you got were so gr8, I can't add anything but to say I AGREE I AGREE I AGREE and send you some kudos for being aware and not fooled by this "serves him only" proposition......CLEAN break, I vote for.....good on you...take care
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you everyone. My AH is still away visiting his family in MD and he helped celebrate his niece's birthday (she turned 14) on the same day that we were out here celebrating his son's birthday, who turned 16 on Saturday. I really need to get past this whole, 'he missed his son's birthday crap' because it's making me madder than ever right now. He did write our son a nice card but in the writings he told our son, "Have fun with J and J....." referring to his grandparents. He used their first names and my mom was like, "What the heck? Since when did my grandson refer to me as anything BUT grand mom, LOL?"
I think, though, right now I am second guessing my decision to move on by myself. I have no job, my son's activities and tutoring cost a fortune, and I know I won't be able to count on my AH for the most part.
I realized that his proposal really was an attempt to get himself out of having to pay alimony in the future. He figures that if I get a job right away while we're still married, and then we file in 2017, a judge will not make him pay alimony since it's clear that I can find work for myself, etc. Also, our son will be past 18 and then he won't have to pay child support either. How convenient this agreement would be, isn't it? He's quite crafty but I'm not stupid and I have to remember how much truly do want to move on with my life. Sigh, thinking about living in my car or in someone's basement in the future does't really appeal to me, but that may be my reality if I don't get my darn resume written, LOL! Time to get back to work and get off the pity pot!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
No, you won't be able to count on your AH. That is so true. You can count on your HP. I had a part time job that paid $4.50 an hour during a recession. It cost me more to work than not to work and my employer wouldn't give me a raise. I started a childcare service in my home so I could be with my kids. Then I worked at temporary agencies until a full-time job opened for me. I went for food stamps once and was treated so badly (even though my taxes had paid for what little I received in food stamps), I made up my mind I'd work 2 to 3 jobs rather than subject myself to the humiliation of burned out social workers working for the State. That's exactly what I ended up doing. I cleaned toilets, sliced meats in a butcher block, and sold fish and meat part-time following my fulltime temp jobs until I got hired fulltime into a hospital with benefits as a medical transcription and later as a medical secretary and did freelance medical transcription for a hard to work for orthopedic surgeon and an easy going pulmonary specialist. All those jobs I did and the people I met while I was working were instrumental in helping me build my self-esteem and helping to move me to where I live now because I was offered a job paying claims for a third party administrator where I made more than I did with all my jobs put together and four years later was hired to create the organization I stayed with until retirement.
My kids were 3 and 18 months old at the time I separated and later divorced my A. At the time of judgment, I was ordered to pay $12,000 in debt and that didn't count the mortgage. Because I had custody of the kids, I got the house and I got our new car because my x didn't contest the divorce. He was ordered to pay the rest of the debt. He didn't. I did. It was a financial struggle to begin with and I had to do what I had to do and my HP always made up the difference through ways and means that I would call miraculous. It took me about 3 years to pay off all that debt. I had to sell my house as I couldn't afford the upkeep and we ended up in a low income housing project where I learned what I needed to know when working with marginalized people later on in life through the organization I created, developed and funded.
Everything I did led me exactly to what my purpose for being was although I didn't know that at the time. All I knew was that I couldn't live a lie anymore and there had to be something better than living with a man who didn't protect my heart, didn't respect me and didn't love me in the ways I needed and would also go on to mistreat our children - especially my daughter - if I continued to live with him. I surrendered what I wanted. I surrendered my fear of an unknown future. I stopped sitting on the fence. I moved forward in grace. And frankly - I had nothing to go on but my own integrity and recognition of what was a very toxic relationship. God had better in mind for me. I can't believe your HP would have anything less in mind for you or your son.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 10th of November 2014 09:38:14 AM
