Is this self-pity or just normal feelings - Al-Anon Family Group

mjferg · Senior Member

Is this self-pity or just normal feelings

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

mjferg wrote:
.I know he isn't good for me and I have to take responsibility for my life,but it doesn't seem fair to have gone through all that pain and now I sit here wondering how I will ever be able to manage.Well I see my therapist and I have my al-anon on Thursday.

LIFE....PEOPLE....are not fair......for me?? I have discovered i have to make my own fairness within me....eliminate the emotional vampires in my life, let them go, work on me...the big thing is getting centered within me and working on me.....doing stuff that takes care of me, pleases me, etc....i put my needs first....i go out of my way to do what is right...put out good energy.....and what ever happens, i just lean on alanon, my sponsor, the steps, slogans, call a recovery mate, go online for a meeting...or ALL of the b4 mentioned, but yea, riding out a bad experience is tough, but we can reach out for help/support/comfort in alanon.....glad u r seeing a therapist....and yep...u got us alanons..........i saw a couple of therapists in my life and really, for me??? alanon has been the BEST therapy b/c i am sharing and caring w/folks who can identify w/me....just my take...you do whatever helps you ok??? b/c alanon principles are all about US taking care of US and letting the things/people who caused us pain , letting them go..........IN SUPPORT hope meet w/therapist gives you a good boost.....

mjferg · Senior Member

That is the solution,Letting Go,when I do that I do have MUCH better day,but I will admit someday's I want to punch him in the throat!!Well my therapist is helping me with some childhood stuff and al-anon helps me with the other,someday's I just feel like I got the short end of the stick!!!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary You are very human and these feelings are to be expected. Remember that this is all a process and one of the things I needed to learn was to be kind and gentle with MYSELF. You are doing fine, working the program, using new tools, doing the laundry and showing up for your life. Congratulations. Making an asset and gratitude list each day will help you to acknowledge your progress.

I am sorry that you endured so much pain and am glad that you have found alanon and are willing to learn another way to live life on life's terms. You have now found a program that offers tools so as we can grow spiritually, develop constructive tools to solve our problems spiritually and connect with a power beyond our wildest imagination. I think the price for membership in this program is high but well worth.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Even if it is self pity, it is normal, whatever the heck normal really is...seems to change and morph smile Whatever you feel you feel and it is all fine. Al anon gives us the gift of the 3 a's....awareness of our feelings, acceptance and right action. You are doing great!

mjferg · Senior Member

I think it is fear,the financial situation is scary,and we weren't married but we did live together and basically I supported him and paid all the bills because of his addictions he spent allot,but that was my bad choice. and he can just walk away ,and I am just realizing he really doesn't care,He was supposed to pay a bill that he left but I have decided to deal with it myself because I don't want anymore drama and grief.i have anger at myself for making bad choices.I will probably have to get another part time job.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Mary I do hear you and understand. I believe that you are taking the right action - Prayers for a positive solution.

mjferg · Senior Member

No,I don't think that is what it is,I think with my therapy and al-anon I am coming to the truth and it is real painful.My father was an abusive alcoholic and I am realizing that my relationships have all been sick.I am grieving allot of things,missed opportunities and just my life.I realize I am just now able to grieve my teenage daughter's dad committed suicide 2 years ago. we weren't together but it was so painful ,he overdosed,and I feel bad that she is suffering too.Oh when will this all straiten out!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Did you know you were making bad choices at the time or did you act in good faith? If you considered what you were about to do, listened to yourself and then acted in good faith, what was bad about that? You did the best you could at the time. Now you know that you don't want to support him anymore and you're moving on and dealing with what is reality for you today. Getting another part time job to pay off a few extra bills is only a temporary solution to a temporary situation. Sounds like a good plan to me. I spent a lot of time and energy chasing my x around trying to get him to pay support until one day I didn't. My motive was to keep a roof over my kids' heads and food in their tummies when I was chasing him around. When I saw a different way, my motive was still to keep a roof over my kids' heads and food in their tummies. One way I tried was stressful and frustrating. The other way was still stressful and it wasn't frustrating. It was my motive that determined whether or not I had made a poor choice - not my actions. Maybe your motives are and were just fine, too?

mjferg · Senior Member

I was listening to a Bonnie Raitt song '' All At Once" and i just started sobbing.

mjferg · Senior Member

Yes I loved him and wanted him to get well so bad, I believed I was doing the right thing at the time

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I used to go back over all the years of hurt and it is a lot of hurt over 36 years and a lot of bad decisions made. But you know what I made the best decisions I could at the time knowing what I did at the time. However unfair my life had been up to now I went through the steps with my sponsor and dealt with those things one by one as I was ready to clean out my stuff within and move on through it. It sounds like you are doing the prep work, readying yourself and that is great recovery work. The emotional thinking of it all can be exhausting, so try to build yourself up for all your worth and not beat yourself up for the past and things you have no control over. You are right where you are meant to be, and it is up from here! Sending you love and support!

mjferg · Senior Member

Yes you are right! the emotional thinking of it is what is going on today,Thank you.I am going to get busy with something and stop it for now.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

We all want our loved ones to get well and when we see that we want that more than we do, then we're free to make a new decision. You've done that. Sounds wise to me. BTW - I love Bonnie Raitt. Her music can make me cry, too - even on a good day. Happy doing something else. (((m)))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It will all be ok. Life is full of ups and downs. I take one day at a time for sure. If I feel crummy I do what I can and rest. I could worry every day and it would do no good. So I have faith and do my best.

Be good to you!

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