Just call me P.I. - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Just call me P.I.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

oh I am so sad for you hon. He is a mess.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I admit, I don't recall details of all of the posts on the board, so forgive my question if this has already been stated. Why are you not divorced? It seems to me as though there is much unnecessary entanglement in his life? Again, there may be very good reason that has escaped me. My freedom from others garbage is high on my list of things I adore, so I strive for that whenever possible. It keeps things simpler for me.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Paula. I haven't filed divorce papers yet because I am afraid a judge might order me to pay him spousal support because I have a good job and he doesn't. However, sinceI now know he is getting unemployment...he has a source of income. I am also worried about custody orders. I don't want him to have 50% custody. I also wanted to see if he would change after I moved out. He hasn't been drinking that I know of, but he has bad behaviors that I still can't live with anyway. So...soon I will file papers. When the time is right, I will know.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you will know when the time is right smile

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I hated "trying to find out" in the early stages of detachment lessons because it meant that the disease and the alcoholic/addict still 'owned" my mind, body, spirit and emotions. I wasn't practicing staying out of her business and minding my own and I was sure everyone in my home group would see it and my sponsor would have reason to "spank" me. Actually the home group and my sponsor taught me how to keep out of her business because they stayed out of mine. They made suggestions and left he work on the suggestions totally up to me without prying. One of the pieces of evidence that came my way was about if she was with someone else or such. I was running 4 miles a night not for my health and just to see if there were any new and different cars parked outside the apartment....use your imagination on how a non-long distance runner looks like after running long distance...glad it wasn't a real long distance. Anyhow I had to go call ahead of time so that I could get a tool I needed that was still in the garage and when I got there after notification she wanted me to meet the "new" guy. I just needed the tool and not the new guy so the extra information was easy to let go. I've never been hired as a P.I. so why should I volunteer my services for it either? I went thru the motions with you on this and almost broke out in a sweat that she would walk back in thru the door while I was investigating. ((((hugs)))) smile

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry,your story made me laugh. The thought of you running like a long distance runner when you aren't one! The lengths we will sometimes go to spy on the A. If I didn't have a young child with my AH, I wouldn't be nearly as involved as I am. I have to protect her, so I have to know what's going on since he doesn't tell me. She is affected if the power and water is turned off. I don't care about him at this point. She will also be affected if he gets his drivers license suspended due to an outstanding speeding ticket.

But I guess my methods to get information are a little desperate...but it was kinda fun.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You will always be able to justify your "need to know" because of your daughter. That doesn't mean paying attention to his drama and problems is necessarily healthy for you. I'm not saying you did anything wrong. Just watch out for using "we have a daughter together" as an excuse to not detach. It sucks that your daughter is at risk because her dad is an alcoholic (dry maybe?), mentally ill, and in denial. You knowing all the ways she's at risk isn't always going to protect her necessarily. It's a fine line. Other parents will have more ESH, but 'If we didn't have a kid together I wouldn't care" is something I hear often here and am not sure exactly how to reach serenity and resolution with it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

NLG: As a parent myself, I learned that I truly couldn't protect my kids from everything in relationship to their Dad. I could be there for them and with them but snooping on him wasn't something that would help build my own self-esteem and self-confidence. It would only keep my attention focused on him and not on me who was hurting, floundering about in a mess of emotions and crazy thinking, and responsible for finding a way to support myself and my children without his money or his physical support. I didn't like those truths about me and my situation but had to deal with them anyway. The more I focused on me and my responsibilities, the less interested I became in him or in what he was doing or not doing. I paid off a tremendous amount of debt starting with a part-time job at $4.50 an hour within two or three years of our divorce. He went to his grave thousands of dollars in debt multiple years later. If I had kept my focus on what he was doing or should be doing, I might have ended up the same way?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 3rd of November 2014 09:50:46 AM

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks PC and G2B. I am listening.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((NLG))) I'm in your corner, sister.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Me, too aww

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks everyone!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.