The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have finally come to the point in my journey where I recognize the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. I finally discovered what has been a thorn in my side about my experiences within the program and in life in general. It was a really good emotional release.
I think we all know if we listen to that inner voice if an amends has truly taken place. My inner voice tells me that it has remorse, responsibility and a form of restitution.
I have noticed that in my experience I have taken apologies with mostly the first R as good enough and now if I don't reconcile I have once again accepted the blame for the situation.
It was an interesting process this week observing numerous non-apologies. Just my ESH for the day.
Truth It sounds as if you are other directed. I had to focus on my own part in each situation to find out why and what I had judged the other for and if my motives were honest and honorable. I then had too focus on my own part in each situation to find out why and what I had judged the other for and I then had to t forgive myself and offer an amend to the other after letting go of the anger and resentment that I had It is all a process and working the Steps help. We can forgive another without being friends again
On the contrary, if my wording came across that way as outer focused. I am focusing on my part. I was accepting non-apologies and then expecting a change in behavior, which in retrospect was quite ridiculous. I was so fearful of someone calling me "judgmental" that I was ignoring the reality of the situation.
It is kind of nice just to take the logical stance and say "the behavior is what it is" and have awareness to say no. I guess I let go of the fear of someone judging "my motives" too. I know my motives and my HP knows my motives. If the red flags are still present, I don't need to second guess myself.
Anyway I also wrote down the times, I may have used a non-apology. "I am sorry you feel that way" apologies. It was really good to recognize that those are not amends based in awareness.
I also wrote down the times I made an amends that had the three R's which were better received and were only the beginning of the forgiveness process. It was a really good process!!!
Thank you so much for this post, I needed to hear this and it helped me. I have been struggling with forgiveness versus letting go, versus reconciliation and have it all jumbled up in my mind. My AH blurted out the other day, why won't you just forgive me, and with that I said I have heard your I'm sorrys for so long that I don't believe nor accept another I am sorry, it takes action, meaning start cleaning up some of the wreckage and how about restitution to me for all the bucks you stole.
I loved this part that you said: remorse, responsibility and a form of restitution, not only will this help me not just take the first apology from him, but it will help me with my amends as well.
Thanks!
__________________
Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Hi truth, glad your back. I kind of agree with hotrod here. Ive never heard of the three rs. If someone makes an amends to me then their motives are their business, what I think or do with the amends is mine. I might be missing your point but if you mean the three rs have to be in place for an amends to be accepted by is then I disagree. Thats like judging from on high whether an amends is good enough for my liking, for me its dangerous territory to give that much thought to another person. Im trying to keep the focus on me so my amends are just an apology, im not all about showing remorse, although im not sure what that even means really. An apology, acknowledging my wrong doing is enough, ive got my dignity, then my amends are usually a change in my own behaviour that will hopefully ensure I dont repeat the wrong doing, this is about me not feeling guilt rather than for anyone else.
I think its hard to keep track of ourselves never mind looking to see whether someone else is doing it right.
When I free myself from a resentment or a sense of being violated in some way, I no longer care what the other does or doesn't do when it comes to making amends. There truly is nothing that has happened to me in my lifetime past childhood that I didn't contribute to in some way. My x was abusive but it was me who chose him. Of course, I didn't choose to be abused the first time and I did choose to stay with him and it for 8 years following the first hit. So, I had to accept that I did choose somebody who turned out to be abusive and stayed with him. That was my part in that toxic relationship. I didn't feel remorse for my choices but I did see that until I could accept responsibility for my part in that relationship, I would never be free of resentment or feeling violated. He never made formal amends to me nor did he ever pay the child support he owed, but truly that didn't matter to me. I just didn't need anything or want anything from him anymore. Two years before he died, we did make our peace together and I know that he realized how he had let himself down in our relationship and felt the regrets and the remorse of it. But, even if he hadn't done what he did, I had already reached a place within myself that was not attached to him in any way. I was truly free by then. Maybe that freedom contributed to his recognizing and admitting at least to himself what he had given away and lost? I don't know for certain. I just know he had absolutely no power anymore to affect me in any way. Whatever I felt towards him was easy and loving yet detached. And that took me many years to get there, too, because there were kids involved and that made it sticky. It wasn't like we could just break up - gripe about each other for a bit - and then move forward with our lives. It took a lot of work on me to get to that place of peace in relationship to him and to our history.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 5th of November 2014 11:08:46 PM
I guess I was getting at who to invite into my world in the first place. Would I rather form a relationship (friendship, etc) with someone who is displaying "I'm Sorry" and no behavior change or someone who does it the other way?
I can still forgive (let go of the resentment) the "I'm Sorry" person (giving me a red flag and my body is telling me listen please) however I might think twice about a relationship (reconciling). If later the red flag disappeared, well then I would reconsider.
I also would hope the people that I gave the non-apology (the I am not acknowledging that boundary but I will say sorry anyway) too thought twice because looking back I would not want to reconcile with me.
I guess it was also observing if boundaries were being respected.
It was just my ESH. Take what you like and leave the rest!!
Thanks for the share. It gave me something to reflect on and consider in the way I understood it's meaning. It was kind of eye opening to me to see the kind of impact Al-Anon did have on me. I don't know about you, but there are times I'm not sure I've made all that many changes. Considering where I was when I divorced my "x" and where I ended up with my x, it is so very true that Al-Anon does work if we work it.
I think I had the thorn in my side because on some level my mind thought Forgiveness = Reconciliation. My body however was telling me something different. The emotions finally released when I shifted the belief. I hope that makes sense.
Forgiveness to me is for me and benefits me, reconcilliation if for the other and benefits them and not necessarily me. Well, thats my take on it. Interesting topic Truth, thanks.
(((T))) Keeping the focus on you and noticing what your body was trying to say to you and honoring what it said - wow.