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I am feeling resentful today and I don't like this feeling. My husband has been in treatment for two weeks. He is doing great and is actually enjoying the classes and fellowship. His mom keeps buying him nice new expensive clothes and sending them to him. He keeps getting gifts from her almost every day. I am feeling resentful because I am the one working and taking care of everything at home. It seems like he is getting time to relax, read, etc . I am working 10 hours a day and I am tired physically and emotionally. Anyone else feel resentment that their spouse is getting time to get healthy while you are left behind with all of the problems?
Hi, Star Bird: I certainly understand your feelings about your husband being in treatment while you are the person dealing with all the problems. Al-Anon meetings in your area could well afford you the support you need. Those of us who have also been "left behind" to deal with problems brought about by alcoholism get an hour away from our problems (or more if we attend more than one meeting a week), learn ways to deal with our situations that are not as stressful or tiring and build relationships among people who understand what we are experiencing as the spouses of very sick men and women who have inherited a life threatening disease.
Yes I certainly did Star Bird. Remembering that alcoholism is a fatal, progressive , disease that I was powerless over I decided I needed to take care of me.
I did find Face to face meetings that are held in most communities and I urge you to attend as well. Here you will break the isolation caused by living with the disease of alcoholism, learn new constructive tools to live by, receive support as you go forward rebuilding your self esteem and self worth.
Please take care of you now while he is away and continue when he returns. Recovery for both of you, takes time and is a process.
Feeling resentment sucks!! I hated it and wanted to learn whatever I could so I could not feel it. When I feel it...it owns me and if I don't do the right thing to relieve me of it it's like practicing an addiction. It owns me mind, body, spirit and emotions. I have some resentments going right now...Biggees one of them against the government of the u.s....I don't do small resentments...lol however I do practice the opposite of it time to time so that I can rest my spirit and the opposite of it is forgiveness. Forgiveness takes major courage, willingness and practice while holding hands with a grand Higher Power. Good to have you on the board and I feel with you about where you are at. Do the resentment....do the forgiveness....do the resentment....do the forgiveness. Which one feels better? Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
P.S. It's not forgiving just your Alcoholic and also forgiving all of those people who are not treating you better...which one of is also you. Go to a meeting of the Al-Anon Family Groups and then go have a large ice cream sundae with M&Ms with peanuts. Okay any kinda sundae you decide.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 31st of October 2014 09:49:16 PM
Star bird, resentment will eat you alive if you let it. Most of us here have felt resentment at our A. My A has not been to treatment but I had several years of resenting him for not doing anything to help me with the kids, the housework, the yard work, anything...he did nothing then and he still does nothing now. One day I just woke up and realized I could keep resenting and hating him for his selfish behavior or I could just stop because he was never going to change. That was a freeing moment for me. I had been doing all the work anyway so I would just keep doing all the work but...I would stop nagging him, stop resenting him for not helping, and stop hating him for preferring to drink instead of being a husband and a father. That change in my thinking gave me peace which I hadn't had in years. I started living my life on my terms, without him and without a thought of him. He was free to do whatever he chose to...or not do...and I was free of the stress of nagging, resenting, hating, shaming, blaming, all of that negative crap that I was dragging around like a ball and chain.
We can't make our A be nice to us. We can't make them want to love us like we want to be loved. They either are capable of those feelings and desires to be partners with us or they're not. We didn't cause them to drink. We can't control them. We can't cure them. We do however have choices in the relationship. We can take the focus off of them and resenting them...and put the focus on ourselves. We can do things for ourselves that give us joy and happiness. We are a separate being from our A. We can choose to be in misery with them, or we can stand on our own two feet and find happiness for ourselves.
Maybe you could take time for yourself, reading, relaxing, resting. His recovery is his, what about your recovery? Alcoholism affects the whole family, thats why his mother is trying to buy his recovery, its the disease.
I can idenify with that feeling of trying to do everything while hubby is in treatment. went through that this past feb. I hope it makes a difference for your hubby. As for you, after a while I actually enjoyed having 'him' away I realized that i didnt have to really do all the chores at least in a hurried manner. I tuned into myself and could remember things i enjoyed before being in this situation. I had my favorite foods, i did things on my own schedule,I watched the shows i wanted etc etc
So glad I found this post with winter popping up here it he northeast, I find a lot of people commenting on last winter.....which was brutal. I agree and I say that I hope this winter is better.........well my darling RAH kicks in with his newest comment......."oh last winter wasn't too bad" He spent the entire winter in florida in rehab. OMG just pushed all my buttons-----I try not to react but he keeps at it. I don't think he is trying to get into a fight and when I tell him that his comment is not funny. he just tells me I have no sense of humor anymore.
We have times that his recovery is going good but he falls back into his old habits of pissing me off.
I now recognize these comments are triggering my resentment. Gosh I thought I was going along so well and then BAM he will make one of his stupid comments and now I have to go into recovery mode and try not to rip his fricking head off.
I spent the entire last winter digging out of snow after snow after snow.................I mention that we should get the snowblower ready for this year. Well, for about 6 months I have asked him to clean the garage---it is BEYOND messy, you can't even walk into it with the stuff he has piled. He says he will get to it....the time has come....it needs to be cleaned and winter stuff brought up and gotten ready.............I have not done it myself because it is for him to do but guess what.....I know I will have to do it and I am feeling such rage at him
I think I will have to work on relaxing more and reacting less.
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was so helpful to me during the worst of it for me. Al-anon meetings locally, my sponsor and MIP have helped me to grow and feel supported through it all. I am glad you are here. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Yes I am familiar with those feelings! My wife was in rehab twice, I had to take care of my work and all of her household duties while she was gone. It was hard! Not only that, she has lost her license for a year, so I am the only driver in the family now, so the extra work just keeps going.
I had resentment - still do upon occasion. But Al Anon gave me the tools to be able to work through the resentment.
I can totally relate to where you are coming from. My estranged husband recently got himself an impaired, lost his job, and has now been off for over two months. In the meantime I'm still working over 12 hours a day and get one day off, which is the day I try to catch up with all of my personal stuff. So I still have moments of anger and frustration, especially when I'm at the end of a 14 hour day and I know that he's been off all day and had a nap! But I've learned that it does no good to even talk to him at this point about anything other than neutral subjects, because he is just defensive or starts blaming/shaming, and frankly I feel like doing the same right back. Rather futile, frustrating and just leads to more hurt feelings and bad memories.
In the last five years or so I too found myself doing the lion's share of the work. It wasn't always like that, and actually used to be great about doing his share. I eventually just stopped asking for help, because it was pointless. I just made myself angry and unhappy, and the resentment was just making me miserable and our time at home together very tense. Anyway, now that we are separated and I live in my own space, I no longer have that stress as I don't have to deal with anyone's mess but my own. Our house was always a mess in the basement, still is, and now the upstairs is a disaster as well but that's his burden now, not mine.
I'm brand new to all of this, as I thought I was just dealing with a mid-life crisis for the last year, but I was definitely in denial about his alcoholism. His drinking had escalated in the time since we separated, but I didn't realize just how bad it had gotten until his accident. Now I'm just trying to get my head around all of the literature, and find ways to cope. The meetings are helping, but I know that I have a long road ahead of me.
I'm not sure where I found this quote, might have even been from a post on here, but I really liked it so I saved it, and I think it's something worth sharing.
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Sums up the rather pointlessness of that emotion IMO. Thanks for posting. It's really nice when you realize that what you are feeling is completely normal under the circumstances.
L
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The only limits on your future are the ones you put there yourself.
I prayed for my ex A to get help,at one time I loved him, but living with his illness caused so much anger and resentment .I am no longer with him and I still have to work on those feelings.He is still drinking, in fact he is very sick and quite possibly will die soon, I don't know I am not God but his lifestyle isn't healthy at all.I remember taking him to his therapy appointments and he talked about going into treatment but he never did so maybe look at it as a time for both of you to get well.
