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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> All Over the Map Emotionally
Post Info TOPIC: All Over the Map Emotionally
tiredtonite


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All Over the Map Emotionally
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I've been having a full week. I'm very excited to be done with my former workplace. I got more done on Monday than I have on an weekend recently.  I felt serene, cooked up a bunch of goodies, cleaned my closet, went for walks, got to more meetings etc.  I found out my friend from work's hubby works for our competitor and may be a door opener for me. I got some great references upon leaving that place and I already have a new contract job that begins on Monday. It's not my dream job but it's something for now.  It was exciting to get the offer on my last day of work.

This is also the time when I lost my mom. It's the second anniversary and as the week has continued the grief increases. I've been spending quiet time reflecting about her and not taking calls.  My abf is in the thick of it mourning both his recently deceased parents and he's angry right now. He's taking that anger out on me because well... I'm nearby. He does a lot of apologizing.  His behavior is draining. He's remorseful (picture a beagle who's had an accident in the house and comes to report it to you) OK, listen I do understand I've been there only two short years ago and he made lots of suggestions to me that I would now like to make to him.  I can usually withstand his irritablity because I see it's connected with his grieving but right now with this anniversary of my mom's passing, I feel more vulnerable. It feels a little harder to detach from his behavior. I told him this today.  Unforturnately, I didn't say it as "eloquently" as I've said it here. Last night I mentioned that I was feeling these feelings concerning my mom and he asked shortly after yet another apology what if anything he could do for me. I told him he could stop acting like a jackass. His response? OK.  Today?  Nada! Right back to being a jerk to me. No more baked goods for this guy! OK.. but it really isn't funny.  I've made some plans for tomorrow with one of my gf and thought a little time and space might help. She tried to call me on the anniversary of the storm but I was out, emailed that she was thinking of me and come on out with her tomorrow.

Last night, I went through some of my mom's stuff.  I just wanted to feel near her. She had all this fun fashion jewelry and I can remember her wearing it and when. I know the ones I gave her from the neighborhood specialty shoppe, from the streets of the city on my lunch hour, from my jeweler later when I was married. Every piece has a story. Then I came across hers and my dad's wedding bands in a little box. He's been gone more than ten years now. Her wedding band was resting in his and next to rings was a religious medal with an image that I recognized as a protector of souls.  I felt my hp's presence.  I felt comforted.  I shared this with the bf this morning.  I told him another year has passed and I just wish I could share with my mom all that has happened, wouldn't it be nice if we could just have them back for just an hour to talke to them. Then I broke down and he hugged me. Then I worried that I'd upset him and kicked up all the emotions around just losing his own parents. I told him I knew my feelings would pass and that it really isn't as bad as it was last year and that I'm sure it'll be better for him next year too. I sure didn't look like I was doing better when I was saying this to him. So here we both are with our feelings coming out sideways.  My grief is escalated by the anniversary of my mom's death and I'm trying to protect him from it because he's in the thick of it with losing both parents.  Cripes, what Alanon tool do I use for this?  I know grief is really unpredictable. I am so glad I'm going to an Alanon meeting tonight. 

If anybody has any ideas other than the obvious (CAL, meetings, sponsor) I would love to hear them.  I'm going out with a friend for part of the day tomorrow. It's taking care of myself and doing something nice for me. 

Thanks for letting me share with you.  TT

 

 



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Debilyn


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We are emotional being and our selfs are not always the same. I wonder what made me so wigged out about a month ago. I was so in the dark.Now I feel really good. where did that crap come from.

I don't think about or know when someone dies. I don't want to. I mean dates. I know my first husbands only and I learned not to do that anymore.

Sounds like  you and your guy are fine. Maybe you guys need to do something light hearted, go for a walk, picnic. movie whatever, get back into the light.

Its ok to do things when you are grieving. I would love to go to art gallories etc. Go check out some weird restaurant....

Sky diving? Do something fun. the Zoo?

hugs honey



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
PP


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I don't much to offer TT, it sounds like you are doing the best you can.  This too shall pass, comes to mind, yet it seems so trite to type it.  I am glad you have a meeting tonight and MIP if you have the need to be with us again soon.  Prayers, sweet one.



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Paula
grateful2be


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Tools? Well - how about: Let it go. Let the grief go, the tears flow, the messy business of being human be as it is. If your feelings come out sideways, they do. If his grief gets stirred up, it does. It's okay to grieve in that messy, imperfect, not always controllable way that people grieve. You'll feel better when you feel better and you'll feel sad as long as you need to feel sad. Sending some cyber Kleenex and a whole lot of understanding your way.

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bud


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((TT)) Keep it simple, easy does it, and take good care of you. Reaching out for support like this is an important piece. Let your feelings wash over you and pass, they won't always feel as intense as they are in the moment, even when every moment feels like an eternity. Wish I had something big to offer that would speed up the process... sending prayers for comfort.

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tiredtonite


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Thanks (((debilyn))) I've thought of the fun activity thing. We went to a wedding this past weekend and we've been doing other things as well and we went to cute little inn for lunch this week. I guess it just is what it is for right now. Thanks for the hug and loving support.

Thanks (((pp))) I'm glad I made the meeting. They always help. Thanks for your prayers.

Thanks (((grateful))) I think you're right. Grief is a messy business. I've been thinking more about this and at least for myself it might be of help to me right now to hit the gratitude journal again. Thanks for caring to share with me. I know you've been through it recently too.

Thanks (((bud))) Yes, those are good slogans for me at this time. Keep It Simple is the slogan I need to use for communication with him at this time because he's preoccupied and that leads to misunderstandings.  Easy Does It is the slogan that will help with self care - getting enough rest, eating simple foods, exercise, fresh air, giving a hug and asking for one.  Thanks for your prayers.

 



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Jill


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(TT) these are tough times that carry special blessings for me. It's both heartache and soul-food. After my mom died, I eventually got back on my feet until it was almost Mother's Day. The TV was playing a Mother's Day ad and I lost it. Out of the blue. I realized I had to be very careful about what my inputs were near anniversaries.
I am now careful about sugar, schmaltzy music and movies, things I know trigger me. During those seasons I aim for a limited time to brood. As was said, real exercise brings me deep restful sleep. i can't go wrong with either of those two.
I think it's brilliant of you to let your bf process his own. Good move coming here with yours.

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Jerry F


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You ask about tools and then say you're going to a meeting...girl you know, and you know that you know and still it is good to reach out to another tool...this MIP family and your sponsor also.  I hear grieving for you and concern and caring for others and hear the slogan "keep it simple"...do the one that takes care of you first cause if you don't have you...you don't have nuthin.   Take care of TT and allow the meeting and us to also hold you while you grieve.  My sponsor taught me to "time share"...actually allowing myself a certain period of time to handle necessary emotional needs and when the time period was over...go on to another task.  That works for me and that is what I do.  Some task might take a bit longer than others and that is okay.  All over the may emotionally.  Sound like one of the maps I use to have.    (((((hugs))))) smile



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