The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I realized how important it is for me to detach. Tonight after getting home from a long dat at the hospital with my 82 yr. old mother, I came home to find that my 30 yr. old A son had helped himself to the vodka in our pantry. He does not live with us but knows where the key is. Be fore al-anon I would have pitched a fit and poured out the vodka so he could not get it again. Now I know it does not matter if I have a bootle of vodka that has been in the pantry for years. he gonna drink no mater what I have or do.
Monday he told me he was going back to an aa meeting. That lasted 2 days...I can't want a good life for him more than he does. He has got to want it. At this point he does not. detachment from the disease is the only way to cope.
Tonight he is out with his freinds for his 30th birthday celebration. It's taking ALL my al-anon nuggets, knowledge, quotes and literature to keep me detached.
I will give him a birthday gift as if he was a normal non-addict/alcoholic son because I want to show him love and treat him just as I would if he did not have this disease.
Its his monkey, not mine. This is how I believe al-anon has taught me to detach with love.
That sounded just like a good sponsor share Sally. That is how I learned it myself and that is how I'm doing it with my own relapsing elder son. Gods got him. I'm standing in my own yard. Mahalo for the wisdom. (((hugs)))
My 30th birthday was spent in a bar and I thought it was so cool that I got the entire bar to sing happy birthday to me. I started getting sober at 36 and my 40th birthday was surrounded by friends and a loving partner and people that actually meant something and were special and really cared about me. The difference was like night and day. At 30, I didn't know what I didn't know. There was also nothing my parents could have done to set me right. I viewed my mom as nagging and overcritical and was blind to much of it being caused by me having overt issues and problems (mostly alcohol related).
I don't know that your son will get sober but there is always hope. I think I would have had a harder time getting sober if my mom had pinned all of her happiness on me and my choices. Your life is yours to live and be happy regardless of your son's journey. Sometimes detachment means saying nothing at all. Sometimes it might mean saying things, but not getting all twisted up and controlling. For example, I could see making a comment to your son that raiding your liquor cabinet is disturbing and boundary breaking and behavior that a teenager would engage in. If that is going to trip off some huge argument...then maybe say nothing. Your program will be your guide not mine. I'm guessing he knows how you feel about his drinking already so you don't "have" to use each example he gives you of his alcoholism at a teachable moment when he's an unwilling student. You can still be detached though and call a spade a spade when your boundaries get trampled on.
