The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was struggling w/ my identity for so long thinking who am I? I am just a soul getting through life on a wing & a prayer. I am sometimes confused & feel like I am not quite there. But as someone says in a meeting, I am here because I am not all there. I am not afraid as much as I was. Still crowds of people & at certain places like the grocery store out of town, make me very uncomfortable. For awhile I was missing out on a lot of good things because of my fears. In recovery I can see that the fear is not even real. It was all in my head. Now I can see where my delusions & anxiety were only my perception of reality. I have a new focus. I am getting better & finding that I am OK the way I am. I have to go on further in my recovery to feel like I am progressing enough for me. I have had these setbacks but I am on the other side. I get excited about how much I can be an over comer. The way I see it is that obstacles can be faced & we can over come anything that comes our way. With a little faith & a lot of prayer, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I have been realizing that I don't have to dwell on the past. I have learned so much from it & finally am ready to move on. I am not to blame for all the things that have happened in my life. I was an active participant, though. I made good & bad decisions & always found a way out. This program has taught me to re-focus & really get on w/ life!
Another thing that has been happening & I hope less frequently, is that my AH has been saying that we argue too much. I feel like I can say what I am trying to say w/o it turning into an argument. He says really awful things when he gets a chance. I don't like cussing at all. He seems to think that it is a vital part of conversation. I am not saying that I don't throw out a few words now & then but I am trying to use healthy words. I think I mentioned this before in a post. I guess if it is still a problem, I need to bring it up here. Now I have let it out. I will try harder to let some of this go.
Kathleen it is more than okay to be you. I once heard someone say we are all flawsome (flawed and awesome) and we are to celebrate our flawsomeness And I wonder what the heck this means? But as someone says in a meeting, I am here because I am not all there...?
Your post gives me hope. Thank you for sharing - it sounds like you are headed in a positive direction. I often feel like I am not really "here" but sometimes I think I just want to disappear...it's hard.
