The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been reading here everyday but not participating much, just concentrating really hard on myself now that STBX is preparing to leave. We have 15 more days to go and it seems ages! Times always fly but since he decided to move and (I) found accommodation for him, the time seems to be passing slowly and slower.
So to recapitulate the whole story he was having breakdowns on not finding a suitable affordable place to move to. So he took 3 weeks off work to concentrate on it. I ended up finding accommodation for him, it was pure coincidence in a way, I think HP gave it to me and I knew I was supposed to stop mothering him but I arranged everything I could to sort out the accommodation for him...his mum helped him with the part that only he could do which was go and talk to the house owner. She needed to write the words on a paper for him to read whilst talking to the guy (and he still missed some very important bits...) that is for you to have an idea of the level of help that he needs to function on the world.
As all the accommodation was sorted on the first 2 days of his time off, he spent the whole 3 weeks doing nothing but watching TV and creating mess and chaos...however as I am not engaging much, just speaking when I am spoken to and trying to give very short, direct answers to any of his questions, it is still been quite difficult.
He has been drinking all the time but has been keeping to himself however yesterday things gone wrong. Daughter told him that he cares more about the TV then her and he came blazing on me telling me that it is my fault she thinks this way and I must being putting this stuff in her head. Which I am not.
Today he has been back to his bipolar personality again, switching between nice and nasty within 5 seconds intervals. It is so unsettling and scary. I am walking on eggshells and trying to be invisible. I really want to avoid any kind of confrontation for my daughter's sake. She doesn't need to see and hear anymore crap.
I have a very nice professional camera that I was trying to sell a few months ago with no luck. STBX asked me how much I wanted for it, I just told him I could swap for a picture that belonged to "us" and we bought together. The only reason why I want this picture is because I can't find anywhere else and looks good where it hangs. Also daughter loves to have this picture in the home and it is very good for her learning (it is a huge map of the world). He agreed to give my own picture back in exchange of my camera. And he really think it is ok.
Now, there is a picture that my (now disable) uncle painted and it is really beautiful. He gave it to me and I put in my daughter's bedroom alongside his other paintings. STBX asked me to have it and I said no. He is really angry. He thinks he is entitled to it. I hope he doesn't steal it.
So he is back to work next Monday on the 20th. I am happy in a way, I can finally turn the TV off and do some homework and reading with daughter, do some cleaning which is impossible right now and relax when alone at home, however there is a big risk of him coming drunk late from work and I don't want to call the police again. But I will if needed, no question about it.
The other news now: I am doing really well in my job and feeling really confident and I can see myself progressing there quickly BUT not only they messed up with my 1st payment leaving me with no money they used a wrong tax code which means that now I received my wages but I had a lot of tax discounted, more than half of the wages. And I should not be paying any tax at all, I should have had my full wages intact. I have sorted it out now but I will have the money back only on the 15th...to top it all off, the government still hasn't processed my claim for the financial help I am entitled to, it is taking ages. But I know that everything will fall into place eventually and I am learning a lot from it. I am being patient and I really can do with mastering the art of patience to be honest.
-- Edited by Luiza on Friday 17th of October 2014 01:16:14 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I am so glad to hear from you. Was wondering this morning how many days. I know I said "we" would keep track and then "I" didn't. How one does one thing is how one does everything I've read. November 1, right? All Saints Day.
Amazing, isn't it? All of it. I think you are doing better than could be expected. Having a child to protect brings out resources sometimes a person didn't know she/he had
Good about your job and it could drive you crazy that the help can't get their part right. Love your attitude.
Blessings,
Temple
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Thanks Paula. What hurts me the most in seeing my daughter turning her back at me, hating me and treating me like the enemy, totally siding with her dad who takes the opportunity to use her as a weapon to undermine and sabotage me. He messes up with her bedtime, routines and interrupts her when she is doing home work.When I try to step in and give her some normality he kicks off, turns the whole situation upside down and makes sure to tell her how much of a bad witch I am. He is either really clueless and stupid or just plain nasty. He also plays emotional games with her saying that he has been kicked out of the house when he has done NOTHING wrong and his life is OVER because of it.
He has such agressive manners, I am finding really hard to be around him, it is getting harder for me to accept his behaviour. Thanks HP I didn't get used to it and normalised it. I hope daughter will understand this is unacceptable behaviour and won't let people disrespect her ever.
And I am kicking myself for getting pregnant from such a person. Of course he wasn't treating like me like this at that time. I knew we had very different personalities but I thought we could complet each other. He was loving and gentle and very firendly. I always felt I could trust him with my life. Now all changed completely.
Daughter and I have an appointment with a kids mental health professionals soon, I am not sure what to expect but I hope it is not a waste of time and she gets the support she needs.
-- Edited by Luiza on Friday 17th of October 2014 03:32:12 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Thanks Temple. It will be either the 1st or 2nd of November. My main bills, including rent are to be paid on the 1st and he will not help with it...with my wages messed up until the 15th of November and with my financial help from the gov still uncertain I am really worried how all the bills will get paid. Thankfully I have a sister who can lend me some money if I need. Hopefully at least the gov help will be sorted by then.
I was being very positive but since his temper tantrum yesterday I am now down. Of course it is easier to him blaming me then accepting he cares more about crap TV programmes then taking an active role in his daughter's life. I don't feel angry though. Just feel sorry for them both. Once he is gone I will be able to un-do some of the damage on her I hope.
-- Edited by Luiza on Friday 17th of October 2014 03:37:48 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I once had a counselor tell me that the kids will strike out at the strongest parent. It gave me comfort, yet it was not easy. Keep doing what you are doing...someday she will know who had her best interests at the forefront. It took my kiddos their 20's to see.
Thanks Paula, it reassures me a bit.
But I also worry about the genes. I know I shouldn't worry about it now, she is only 7, but I can't help it sometimes.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I know about the worry, we are either blessed or cursed as moms Al anon has helped me to live and let live, though. When you are on your own, you can focus your energies more on making the best home possible for your daughter...right now you have a raging bull in the midst. It is hard to let down your guard..it will get easier.
Al anon has helped me to live and let live, though. When you are on your own, you can focus your energies more on making the best home possible for your daughter...right now you have a raging bull in the midst. It is hard to let down your guard..it will get easier.