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It's not very good that I am "making" my daughter leave her school and all her friends, she needs stability. And do I realise she has to leave her youth group too, the poor kid, its so unfair for her and so on.
The stuff about how she hopes I don't plan on staying there very long.
Then, should she get stepdad to put up daughter's trampoline in her yard? Since "I'll probably be there forever".
I say no, leave it packed away, hopefully I will be in a new place in 6 weeks at the most, I hope less...... but I would bet money when I get there the trampoline will be up. Then when I am ready to move out it will be drama, "I thought you said you wanted it put up, now we have to take it down again".
Once I would be in a state over all of this, but not now. It's her stuff. Head-games. Why is irrelevant. I don't need to understand it, or get upset by it, or change my plans or lose the plot. Whatever, she'll have forgotten it tomorrow or will pretend the conversation was something else entirely so why upset myself over it? There was more, everything seems to start with "I thought you said" followed by a strange twisted comment that is the opposite of what I actually said. I think I used to engage with it and get upset. What I don't remember is why. It's clearly just antagonism for the sake of itself, why did I ever get upset by it? I don't think she even knows she is doing it, it's just a habit. She's going to be IMPOSSIBLE when she is old. I'm sure we'll have good days while I am there, the bad days I just need to not engage. The rent she is asking while I am there is not insignificant and I will be there at her invitation, I don't have to feel obliged to join in the games. I just need to keep my side of the street clean. Plus if I just keep not reacting she might just give up.
A dropped by, he still has stuff all over the place but has moved out all of his big items. He wants to know what I am doing with the cat. He knows how upset and stressed I have been trying to work it out. "This cat loves you so much, I can't believe you would just dump him. You're so heartless". Huh? At the moment I'm going to pay to have him boarded until I find something else or move. It's going to cost me a lot. Heartless? Pfft.
They're very, very similar, the two of them, saying mean pointless things until they get a reaction and then acting hurt, I am crazy if I get upset.
But today, I just don't really care. It's not my stuff, I have enough stuff. I am pleased with the fact that I dont need to react; if anything I feel sad that they feel the need to do this, it's weird, maybe they have trouble feeling their own feelings if they need to play with someone else's. Who knows. I just know it doesn't fit me anymore. I don't feel like I have a role to play in it, other than to shrug, whatever, I can state my truth and move on. Go play cat and mouse with someone else.
I got a lot done today. Not having A here when I woke up meant I wasn't worried about being quiet, worried about waking him, angry that he wasn't helping...none of that, just a job to do and I got into it, I wonder if my exhaustion, inability to get stuff done...was that all tied to being around such a negative presence and walking on eggshells all the time? He was always here, I was always trying to be quiet..hmm.
Looking forward to getting into a place of my own. Feeling more comfortable with it. Starting to gain some momentum. It won't be easy, the next couple of months are going to be likely very hard in fact.
But I had a thought, I was really sick about 5 months ago, I think just about the sickest I've ever been. I couldn't even walk to the bathroom for 2 weeks, I thought I was dying I felt so bad. But I quit smoking and that's a big thing, I smoked like a chimney since i was 12 and suddenly quit , after being so sick I just didn't light up ever again. I can't even imagine smoking now, it's vile and makes me retch when I smell it. If I hadn't been so sick, I'd probably never have stopped smoking...maybe that was what it took. Haven't had a migraine since then either, and they were coming on weekly. Interesting. Maybe I needed to go through something awful to break a bad habit. Maybe that's what all of this is.
Or maybe I can make it be. it's what I make of it, really. Just because some of it sucks doesn't mean I can't find ways to make it work for me.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I love this post Mel, full of awareness and I love how you describe it all working and all beginning to make sense.I can relate, I worked that out for myself too, the fact that I have to feel really bad before I click that it needs to change.
Your Mother sounds so sick in terms of having isms, is she affected by alcoholism? sorry, i think you have said your father was a drinker. It explains it all really, its like bitterness and resentment and self pity eats the person up and they become these things with very little in between. I know this was the path I was headed in, I remember thinking, I actually haven't had a nice thought in my head for days, I was finding it hard to think of a single positive thought, that's when I went to Al-anon thankfully.
Maybe, you are being sent to your Mother to set an example for her, maybe she will be tempted to get herself to Alanon, you never know, how good would that be. Your recovery is powerful, people see it and feel it. Hopefully she will want it and if not, she may just learn a little of what you've got.
If I were you, blast some music really loudly, what have you got to loose? that will help you get sorted. Thanks for sharing.x
You are doing great with one day at a time momentum and being aware of you in the messes; many of them created by others that do what they do. You know to choose and do differently and that is what sets you apart. It will be hard moving into another crazy situation, but you can do it temporarily if something else does not come forward in the meantime.
I am so happy to read about your growth and awareness! My exAH was just like my Mother and well I couldn't wait to get away from her and then boom I jumped ship to someone just like her. Sad and twisted, but I guess it was comfortable to me. Now that I know better I will never repeat it. In fact now I better understand my Mother, it is easier to forgive her and let go. I can relate to a lot that you say about your Mom and wonder if we share the same one sometimes. I love that you are getting good at not participating in it. I try so hard not to take my Mom personally and let go, but it is easier for me I moved across the country on purpose and stay here away from my family of origin. Same goes for my exAH who just two days ago dropped off a treat for my girls and met me in front of my college, he let me know I have a nice butt, REALLY? lol, I have known the man 18 years been divorced a few years and that is what he has to say to me. Whatever, I did not engage either, I know however charming he thinks he is (NOT charming, more disrespectful), what comes on the other side of engaging isn't worth it. I hear boundaries and a program being worked in the heat of a lot of stress and you are functioning and moving through it. I am so proud to hear you like this right now! Sending you lots of love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My mum's father was a dreadful abusive drunk, he died in his 50's of a stroke. My mother then married my dad, also a very ill alcoholic and drug adddict. It's quite a sad history really. She says her husband now is a drunk but I don't see it, he has a couple of glasses of wine and falls asleep. His father was though, once again a severe and abusive alcoholic who died young from his illness. I then went out and found myself an alcoholic.....my brothers drink heavily and one of them is already very sick from it, he's only 25. He lives at home and she goes crazy almost every night arguing with him about the fact that he is drunk again, it's nuts, hasn't she learnt by now that there's no point arguing with someone who is drunk and telling them to go to bed? He goes through stages of trying antabuse, quits for a while then gets back into it. He was my best friend for most of my life but he's kind of hard to get along with now, it's really taken its toll on him. I miss him a lot actually. And she drinks quite a lot too and often doesn't remember the conversation from the night before although she has dry months every now and then.
So the short answer to your question is yes, mother has been rather affected by alcoholism as far as I can tell, she gets very upset about it and says "I grew up with an abusive drunk, why do I have to have it in my house" yet she drinks herself silly too. I wouldn't know if she was an A or not, she seems a lot worse since she had surgery a while ago and it's noticable, obviously her tolerance dropped but she's still energetic and gets a lot done. I do find it irksome that she gets drunk and then gets angry accusing everyone else of being drunk, but...as I said, not my circus...
Sadly excessive drinking is just utterly normal in my family, it's only been in recent years I've started to question it and realise it isn't necessary and is so damaging. My aunts and uncles are all the same, posting pictures on facebook of glasses of wine etc in the evening as if to say "ah, time for my reward", family functions are messy and alcohol fulled, it's all just considered normal, a bit of a joke... Yet so many of us have depression, anxiety problems, I wonder why, ugh!!!
Having said all of that there will be positives and yes I know my mother is often interested in new ways of doing things and has been interested in al-anon and some of the changes in me. I know she will be supportive of me going to meetings, she's all for positive action and change, she just plays these weird games and I don't know if she is even aware of them to be honest or how hurtful they are, she seems to forget about them 5 minutes later.
I did enjoy playing music today, too. A definite bonus to having the house to myself!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Ooh quick semi hijack but I'm listening to that now too. @melly, I love your writing style. You feel like a kiwi in many ways. Except that Marmite replacement stuff starting with V. Lol. Keep on keeping on.
You are so insightful and you have come a long way. I am sure that with your tools you will be able to get through the time at your mother's house, learning more lessons, teaching more lessons to your daughter and keeping your serenity. You will come out of this situation stronger.
As for the crazy stuff your mother and A say: listen/learn/ignore. Everytime my STBX open his mouth he shows me how sick he is, it makes me want to get better and better, his BS aids my recovery in so many ways (but I can't wait to see the back of him lol, 17 more days to go).
You are doing so well.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Oh just read the other post about your mum....it is easy to see why she has so many issues. Maybe take the opportunity to leave some Al-Anon literature lying around? Maybe print some slogans and put it up around your room so she can read it when she comes in?
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
The circus is enjoyable as a spectator and not a participant. Granted, living at the circus...not ideal. Hold your head up high Melly. I read a lot of "trickle down" going on here. Trickle down from grandmas issues to mom to stepdad to siblings to you.... Step out of the way of the trickle as much as you can. Ignore it...Detach. You have enough to do to get your exciting new life rolling. Leave them to their trickling lol.
