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My day started off great I've started a class sorta like a 12 step class we as a group talk about and learn things dealing with the steps very enjoyable,now for the bad day part I had a slip I guess u might call it my xabf kept texting to come over and visit with my dog that he always loved so much,bad bad thing for me to allowed him over we sat inmy kitchen and said a few words nothing to talk about nothing in common I bit-ched him out the whole time he visited I guess I threw everything up to him of how he and she and his drugs ruined our relationship screwed us up I hated him even more then I told him he better leave my house he said why I started in again finally he got a ph call his ph rang several times while he was here I griped at him about that too then he had to go for he had to go to someone's house to give them a ride.why do I do that to myself I'm asking myself now and why did I chew him out after he gets here im thinking do I still have feelings for this scumbag .and then I think well he is sick and so am i,he never lifted his voice at me and said not a ugly word one or got ugly it's just in me guess I'm full of venom when it comes to him.but he left and that was that and I locked my doors and turned. Out the lights and resented it in a way but it was like I had so much to get out of me toward him.but I'm mad again I've got to let go and let live and live in today.he has allot on his plate I know I just need to keep my side of the street clean.thanks for allowing me to ramble on but this all had to come out .i just hope I dont ha e a relapse back into it with him which I don't have the least desire to he don't even apeal to me any more much less any love there any more that's all been gone.hopeing maybe friends with him but naw I don't think I could Evenbeen his freind but I e got to get this anger toward him out of me so I can find peace with. Myself.done ty
Nice about the 12 step class and that it's going well for you. About letting him in, you are pretty tuned into how you are feeling about him these days and that's good. I think you're right, you're that angry because you still have some feelings for him. As far as hoping you don't have a relapse and let him back into your life... that wouldn't just happen like poof ... and he's sitting on your couch again and in your life. You would intentionally let him back in and that would be a choice that only you are responsible for. He can't make you do anything. That step class could be good for building some strength to keep making yourself a priority. Oh and as far as the dog... that guy hurt you and could be trying to push his way back in by using your dog as an excuse. I hope you'll save that good heart of yours for someone who deserves you. This guy is now out of your life and doesn't deserve the pleasure of your dog's company or yours. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Wednesday 15th of October 2014 11:08:43 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
The beauty of each morning is we get a new day to begin fresh...how awesome is that? Take your inventory, make your amends to yourself, talk with a person in recovery and enjoy today. When we know better we do better....you know better, now you can do better
How did you move on from your kids' father LU? Just curious. Sometimes you really have to cut ties. It's like you have a wound that is trying to heal, then you invite him over and/or call him or seek him out and that is the same as picking at the wound and making it infected and dragging out the healing process. I'm glad you didn't wind up just getting totally back together. BUT, this is where you program would come in. You would be calling your sponsor before inviting him over and get some feedback on it. This is the guy who pretty much tried to set you up to go to jail with him and sold meth out of your house and you care more about him seeing the dog than that stuff. That is definitely the start of a relapse and if you don't want the relapse, don't invite it in. Find a sponsor and utilize them.
I like what Pinkchip said, I too used to invite my exAH over and would feel my wounds that were healing start to bleed again. At times perhaps I was addicted to the drama and feelings of it all, but now I know better and between starting off in counseling to help heal myself and finding al-anon and my sponsor to help grow myself I am over it. I am glad you are here and hope you are bale to dig into some self care! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
It took about 1 time after separating from my x to stop abusing myself and stop allowing him space in my head or my house. I had chosen him and I also chose to stay with a very sick person because I thought it was my job to do so. I can remember the night I finally decided that there would be no "going back" to allowing him room in my house or much in my head. I was beside myself with experiencing yet another unmet need. A neighbor I trusted was over and heard and saw my distress. He said simply: "I like you. Why don't you like you." Then, he left me with that question. I chose to ponder it. What he said was true. I didn't like myself. I was willing to put up with anything that came my way. I stopped doing what led to nothing but pain for me. I started liking me again. My x (no one else for that matter) had absolutely nothing to do with how I saw myself or treated myself. I was 100% responsible for my dislike of me and 100% responsible for changing that. My x only helped to confirm how I thought and felt about myself. 1 person asked me a good question and that changed my life because I wanted to make a change.
