Quick question - Al-Anon Family Group

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Quick question

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If you trust your therapist, do you think this is wise counsel for you and for your son?

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow what a difficult decision, especially since you are ready yesterday. I can tell you this: there is never a good time to break up a family, so I'm going to suggest you follow your gut. Your child/children will be upset either way. I think what makes the difference is the way the two parents handle it. Not knowing your circumstances, could your husband spend a little time at the house on the holidays? Maybe open presents together but spend the rest of the day separate? Separation/divorce are extremely painful. I've been through it when my son was 9. However if your serenity depends on it, do what you need to do for yourself. Lyne :)

Spur · Senior Member

Boy, this is tough. I will pray for you. I haven't been in this situation so I can't offer any help but I'll repeat what's been said; does that plan work for you and your son? Follow your instincts. (((Hugs)))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

That's an interesting take on it (your therapist's) and one that I'd never heard before.

I guess my questions, maybe not answerable ones, would be: were the kids that were hurt young kids, or older ones too? Were they kids that had no idea that things were tough in the household?

People often talk about divorce as if it would be inevitably devastating for the kids. In my own family, I really wanted my mother to divorce my father. He wasn't an A but he had mental health issues and he was really difficult to be around. Not actively abusive but just a walking-on-eggshells personality. I saw my mother trying so hard to make things better, and that she couldn't. My father just refused to take responsibility for his issues. I still think they would have been better off apart. I know some friends who had more classic abuser-father scenarios, and they felt the same about their families. I wonder why we don't see that kind of family in the literature.

Not to say what kind of family yours is, because you know better than anyone. Just to say that there are many different scenarios, and I don't think one rule applies to them all.

I wonder what the statistics are about families where one parent is an alcoholic. It seems to me less likely that divorce is a surprise to the child in those cases.

Having watched my friend's families going through divorces, it seems to me that the most crucial element is that there is one stable, fairly calm parent who is not devastated and panicking. You've got that one down.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I think your son is old enough and aware enough to cope.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

when I am ready, and I make a decision I take care of it period. Limbo is NOT good for people. No matter when it all happens everyone will have to adjust. Part of the situation.One could say the holidays will give you guys something to enjoy and focus on.

It's ez for me to say as I am not part of the worlds man made holidays. Your life and his to me are much more healthy when we are not wishy washy.

HOw do YOU feel? hugs

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to agree with Pink chip. The child is old enough to understand. Perhaps you and the child would be more at peace through the coming holidays if you were away from that which causes you unhappiness and hurt. It is always hard for a child when parents split up, but if it's time, it's time. But, only you can make the determination that you feel is right for you. I wish you good luck and happiness as you look toward your future.

Diva

Luiza · Senior Member

When I was really ready, nothing was able to stop me. I thought I was ready many times before but always postponed for one reason or another and my daughter's suffering was always playing in my mind.
Now that I'm finally 100% ready, not even my daughter's pain is enough to make me stop and my HP has provided me with everything I need to make it happen.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

In my case my Ason was 14 years old and couldn't handle it and it was March. Might be time to talk to him about it.....he's 16 isn't he? I know how hard this is and a big change in your lives but I also understand a little where your coming from.

(((( hugs )))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

In my case I just up and went, pretty selfish in one level, just did it, over that was it, although we still kept some sort of relationship for the kids. I can understand your apprehension. Theres never going to be a right time, a day when it feels easier or is easier for all concerned will never come. I dont understand your counsellors reasoning, new year is usually a time of celebration, why wait to then? You cant live your life for your kids either, you as a person is entitled to be happy and in my experience kids are only really happy when their parents are or at least on parent. What do you want, taking your son out of the equation think about what you want? This life is too short to spend years being miserable, your son wont thank you for that.x

-- Edited by el-cee on Wednesday 15th of October 2014 03:56:13 PM

Luiza · Senior Member

Oh just remember now, in my previous very short crazy marriage, my ex husband finished with me in November and his reasoning was he wanted to turn a new page for the new year and start afresh. Even I was able to totally agree with him despite the confusion and hurt I was going through. However he bought tickets for me to travel back to my home country exactly during Christmas eve...I arrived at my family's home sad and broken on Christmas day. Yep, emotional abuse to the max until the last possible minute.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Andromeda,

Haven't been where you are, so these are just thoughts.

You and your son have gone on so many trips together, have weathered so many storms; you'll be able to do this whenever it happens.

Thanksgiving and Christmas will give you something else to think about? I can go through a slump when the tree comes down.

Perhaps your counselor was projecting some of her stuff in there?

Whoever said, once she had her mind made up and the time seemed right, I think it would be hard to live in limbo, I think so, too.

Wasn't your husband already trying to throw a monkey wrench into Thanksgiving? I can't see that he'd add much to the festivities, if he's the one I'm thinking of.

All best to you, whatever you decide.

Temple

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Have your holidays been wonderful and magical for your son? If I remember correctly, your lovely son's father is a bully towards him....maybe a holiday with different family dynamics would be a gift? My counsel would be to do what feels right for you. Living in this situation has taken its toll on you in ways that may not be visible, yet. Your happiness and your health would also be a gift for your son.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers for guidance and wisdom for you, Andromeda.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Temple, my AH is throwing a monkey wrench into my son's birthday. My son turns 16 the first week of November and my mom and her husband are coming out to visit. They want to see him play tennis in a tournament, too. So, AH has decided he didn't want to 'ruin' my mom's vacation and has chosen to go visit friends in MI and to go see his friend's kids swim and have soccer games, etc, instead of being here for his own son's 16th birthday! This was really a big deal to me and I have finally realized just how unhealthy the whole thing is.

As for the timing: my sons' birthday is the first week of November, 2 weeks later is Thanksgiving and then one week later is AH's birthday the first week of December. I think my therapist was thinking along the lines of: with all the birthdays, holidays, tennis tournaments and travel coming up, it shouldn't hurt to push it back until after the new year?

Anyway, I just rented space in a storage unit so that I can declutter the house, I have a guy coming next week to give me a quote on some handyman fixes I need done before I sell the house, etc. I also am planning on getting the pool completely remodeled so that we can sell it faster when it comes time. I have some things I'd like to do around here and I need to rework my budget.

I am meeting with a second lawyer on Friday and need to throw some options and ideas out there as to what I'm going to propose to AH as a settlement. I also contacted the first lawyer I met with last week and she would like my case and wants to work with me and really wants to advocate for me to be able to homeschool.

Anyway, I feel like I'm getting things accomplished and like I'm moving forward. Not sure how our son will handle things. He's a sensitive child and immature for his age because of his cognitive delays and ADHD. So, even though he's almost 16, he acts like he's 13 or 14. He knows we're separated living in the same home, he has told me that he won't travel with AH ever again, and has his own reservations about spending time with AH. They get along for the most part but only if AH keeps things on a surface level. Deeper levels of communication never seem to go well for them.

I am also looking into finding my son a new therapist and possibly some pastoral counseling for right after we tell him. I think he'll appreciate having someone to talk to other than me.

deacon · Senior Member

Were I your son and I had the choice of an unhappy, alcoholic father around at Christmas or just him and his loving mom having a peaceful, enjoyable time, it would be a no- brainer. You might be surprised to find that, although your son might be sad at the break up of the family, he will also be so relieved not to have to live the drama. You've made the decision that you feel is right for you and your child. I'd go for it and get it over with asap.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I personally would get it over with and then use the holidays as something good to focus on and distract ourselves with.
That logic could go on and around and around forever.."Oh I know so many kids who's parents let them think everything was OK for the holidays and then WHAM, they dropped the bombshell right after holidays were done...they could never enjoy the holidays again after that...". "Oh I know kids who's parents waited until 2 months after the holidays....." it's never going to be a perfect time. And kids will often LOOK for a way to explain their hurt with big grand facts like that "Oh they did it right before/during/after the holidays" but I don't think it matters really, it will hurt in some ways and be a relief for him in others and your holiday gift to him is that you all get to start healing sooner rather than later.
Or that's how I would view it.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

We were advised for the first year or so to do something different for holidays and birthdays. We went to new places, joined people we had not had with us before on that day, etc. It helped a lot. For me, it offered a more thoughtful approach to the celebration. Adding gratitude to the event helps, too.

Congrats on moving ahead, regardless of when you do it.

-- Edited by Jill on Wednesday 15th of October 2014 07:48:42 PM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

My first ex requested that we stick it out through the holidays and it was very hard to grit my teeth and pretend I was happy through it; my question is, how much of things does your son know? does he know you are separating? If your son knows of your plan to separate, maybe you can get his opinion?

Fairlee · Senior Member

ugh this is a hard one. I'm not sure what your family situation is, but if you have decided to end the marriage I would think things are pretty bad. If your son is older, and has been dealing with this disease for a while in the hiome, I would think this would not come as too much of a shock to him...maybe you and him could take a holiday trip together and do something special. It might actually be a more peaceful holiday without A? Whatever you decide - it's your decision alone? Good luck!

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I think I definitely decided to wait until I speak to a lawyer. I really want to stay in this house and get AH OUT. I want to make a financial proposal that might work for both of us but I really need legal advice. Also, the pool remodel won't even happen until next month which puts us at just before Thanksgiving. I have no plans for a rental house yet so I'm thinking I will at least wait until I get settled with a good lawyer and pay the filing fees.

I did speak to my son today and I asked him what he thought about how things were going at our house. His response was, "Not good." He then told me that he overheard AH talking to someone on the phone and basically throwing my mom under the bus and then saying lies about her. My son was not pleased but I'm glad he opened up to me because I was able to tell him this, "Look son, your dad is entitled to his opinions but if he has an issue with grand mom, he really is responsible for talking to her himself. We just have to accept dad for who he is and for what he is capable of today. We won't be able to change his opinion but we can accept that he's entitled to his own version of reality because that's what works for him." Son was disappointed in his father and thinks dad is playing a victim right now. Yep, that's about right.

You know, my son might not be very book smart, but he ain't dumb, LOL. Anyway, I was livid that AH had this conversation within earshot of our son. He's just oblivious to what is and isn't appropriate, you know? Just makes me more determined to move on.....

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like a good plan. Your son sounds like a wise, sensitive, articulate young man to me. He may not have developed these gifts without the skills you have developed from your experiences in your marriage....now it seems it is time for new experiences smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I do have to say that I've been watching this unfold for years now. This is the most convicted and determined I have ever heard you sounding. It's not readiness for divorce that I am judging as positive or praise worthy. It's all the work you've done to get to this point where you now know what you need to do for you and are fully standing behind it. It's also that I don't hear fear in you any more....I guess that's the biggest thing.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with PC.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

There is always a birthday, a holiday, anniversary, graduation to put off something that you feel is right, to me is not being true to yourself. My 16 year old was relieved after it was all said and done even though there were moments of discomfort, we are far better now. I am the healthiest I have ever been free of being under the same roof as any of my A's. Set yourself free if you are ready regardless of what anyone else says about it, this is your life and you only get one shot at it. Sending you much love and support!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

It would have been disorienting and painful most especially for my son no matter the time of year I acted. I knew when to do it because the door opened easily onto the path that was mine to walk in separating from him at first and then seeing that divorce was the next step to take.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the support everyone! I have to be honest, what really is driving me to move on is that I am finally realizing that I might actually want another relationship down the road. For a long time, I was swearing off men and romantic relationships, etc, but recently I have been drawn to a man who is a friend right now. He is much further along than me spiritually and I know that the only way for me to find someone healthy is for me to be healthy, too. He and I had been talking via phone, text, FB messaging, etc but we cut off contact with each other last week when he told me that he didn't want to take the place of my husband and that he needed to step back from us. He is single and I'm still married and we were bordering on an emotional affair. I knew it, he felt it, and we nipped it in the bud and have ceased contacting each other. Affairs aren't cool and I know many start innocently enough until both parties are in denial or just saying, "We're just friends, we don't see each other in real life, et etc."

I realized that I had just lost a friend but I knew it was the right thing to do, to keep me right with God and to keep us both accountable to God and to ourselves. We had an open and honest communication going about how we want to be in God's will and how we will pray for each other. He is a good friend to me and I realized that the only way for me to find people like him (friends, romantic partners, work relationships, etc) is for me to just throw myself into God's arms and re-commit to recovery for ME. I was really proud of myself for being able to have an open and honest talk and to just let it all out there and then there were no bad feelings, no negativity....the only thing we were left with is a friendship from a distance and that's OK for today. Because, for today, I have a lot on my plate and this was a wake up call for me to get my head screwed on straight and for me to start stepping out in faith and taking care of myself and my son.

Thanks again everyone for the love and support. I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for MIP and Al Anon!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

So wise of you to do what you did recently with the relationship. In my first marriage, I went ahead, had the affair, then ended it when I recommitted to my marriage. It took me a long time to forgive myself for taking that path. You have saved yourself from the guilt that may have accompanied you. It is best to end the marriage in a clear, clean way.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks, Paula, honestly it was the guy who opened up the conversation but his honesty and awareness were so admirable to me. Made it even harder to say goodbye...for now. Even if I were single, I doubt we could have had a real relationship anyway, but it's nice to know that there are men out there who are honest and accountable and who want to be in God's will. It was just the experience I needed to make me realize that I'm wasting away good years of my life waiting for my AH to just figure it out. Right now, AH is passed out in bed (it's nearly 9:30 AM) as he got in late last night. Don't know where he was nor do I care anymore. I just want to move on. My son is doing schoolwork, I'm paying a few bills and cleaning the kitchen, and life is still good and God is still good, too!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I, too, am glad you didn't act, Andromeda. One thing is true for me: all men have feet of clay - A or not - and there are going to be challenges and issues no matter how good somebody seems from the outside. I may have loved some men after my divorce and enjoyed them and still learned things about them and them about me that whipped "Some Enchanted Evening" from our romantic memories and fantasies. That's when the real loving began. I wasn't truly ready to learn the new lessons on loving and being loved until I had thoroughly grieved through the former relationship and gently closed the door on it. Going from one relationship right into another either in our minds or in actuality tends to heap pain onto pain in my experience.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh yes, Grateful that is so true! I would never have acted on it. I even asked him if I had crossed any lines (we saw each other in Denver as my mom had invited him over for our family dinner: he's a family friend, FYI). It was at that dinner where I realized I was getting in over my head and he must have sensed it too. I already know, as a grown woman, that men my age will have baggage as will I. A relationship is definitely not something I am ready for, LOL, and I know that but it was nice to be noticed and nice to have a friend who was honest and caring and let me know that he wants what's best for me. At the end of one of his messages he encouraged me to be bold, strong, and courageous. I think that by stepping away from each other and me focusing on recovery and my impending divorce, that is being all those things and more!

Now, if only that good looking man at the gym would stop talking to me, I wouldn't get distracted by him, either, LOL! I swear I've had blinders on for so very long that I never noticed him until a few months ago. Sigh....time to prepare my paperwork for the lawyer!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

OMGOSH .. Andromeda ... I have been in my own world and just caught this post .. BIG HUGS .. you know when is a good time to get divorced? There is no good time or easy time on kids. I don't care how old they are the best thing I found is to keep it positive, listen, and give them a safe place to come. The reality is .. it's not anyone else's decision to make it is YOURS and you have a right to decide when and where you want to file. You always do what is best for your son and this will be no different.

I'm also glad for your awareness that you have had about seeking any kind of extension of love so to speak outside and are choosing to look inside.

Big hugs ..

S :)

PS - it could take a while to get it all done. My kids were utterly relieved when it was finally done this week.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL, Serenity, you've had a LOT going on! I really do pray that it won't take too long to get done. 2 of my friends (not married to A's) got their divorces done and over with in 6 months. I can only pray that it will happen for me that quickly, too! HAHA.....well, I am married to an A, so that might just be wishful thinking, LOL!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Knowing what I do now I would have gotten a LOT more done if I had just filed immediately .. no delays no nothing. I think it worked out the way it was suppose to .. i mean seriously I got sole custody of the kids and that is what I wanted. Big hugs

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Did your AH pick an appropriate time to get a DUI, lose his wallet at the strip club while wasted, fall down drunk in the closet while your son had his friend over? Did he make sure he did all that at a well planned time that was most sensitive to others?

Seriously though. Some of this is literally to protect NEGATIVE incidents like the above from happening right in front of both you and your son and the holidays is the most likely time he will go off on a binge.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 17th of October 2014 06:54:27 AM

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Pink, I agree. After talking to my son yesterday, I can pretty much surmise that he wouldn't be surprised if it all came crashing down. It will be a blow to him, as it would to any kid, but we have a pretty open line of communication so I'm hoping I can walk him through it with grace and dignity and by being a good example through it all. The finances are my biggest concern. I put a call in to my accountant yesterday and I have my lawyer meeting in a few hours.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

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