The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A spouse is being very nice. She tells me she loves me and most of the time I can't answer back. She thinks because she is not drinking, at least not that I know of, that everything is fine. No matter how many times I tell her she is a train wreck waiting to happen, she doesn't get it, and maybe will never get it. But I can't pretend I am in love when I am not. I'm taking good care of me, and I am getting tremendous help from alanon, but my marriage is at a complete standstill. I will not fake my feelings. I struggle with guilt from time to time. Today is one of those days. I do not feel romantic in any way. It's a miracle I have let go of my anger and resentment for the most part. It does rear its ugly head now and then but with my alanon tool box I'm able to get rid of it fairly soon. I just needed to vent a little. All in all, I'm good. Thanks for listening, Lyne
Hi, Lyne. I can relate to your share. I can't pretend myself into anything either. Maybe that's what unconditional love is about? First, we allow ourselves room to think what we think, feel what we feel, do what we do and accept ourselves as we are without condition? Then, we turn that same unconditional love towards the other? I don't know for sure. I just find myself pondering the question: "What is unconditional love?" in reading your share. I do think it is much, much more than romance and so little practiced. Perhaps Al-Anon is to help us discover it and practice it more? Allowing ourselves and others to be exactly who we are at any given time on any given day?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 15th of October 2014 03:27:54 AM
In my case with my A spouse I have to say the resentment prayer every night to just get rid of the anger. I clearly could see nothing but red. Over time something happened to me, I soften, my heart soften, towards my A. My hate started to decrease. I didn't do anything but my HP did a lot of work on me.
It is definitely a process that is slow and can't be pushed. My heart was broken in half at everything he did which was as awful as you can imagine. I don't think I will ever fully trust him.
It takes time to heal and mend a broken relationship. It also takes two committed people to do this.
I don't know why the A think everything is fine when they are not drinking. This must be status quo thoughts.. because it is not fine when they stop especially when they have thedry drunk behavior. Sometimes I think they still do not have their brains back. They don't make sense..
I make sure I have a bunch of Alnon people around me to help me out.
It is a painful journey back to reality for both.
The evils of alcohol.. I can say I hate this..
__________________
I have hope that my next minute will be better and to learn from my last minute.
Good for you Lyne...working at it for it. You keep coming back and that is what results in Lyne getting better. The subject is an early Al-Anon growth subject for me and I was taught some really eye and mind opening lessons in it. One lesson I learned was that the negative feelings I had were evidence that I was in love...and also that love was not being returned. No question I can love and I do...it is when nothing comes back that looks like it or sounds like it or feels like it that I get thrown off kilter.
I also learned a definition of Love from an Al-Anon member at a meeting who told your story here and she spoke in a manner that I was convinced that she knew how to love better than anyone else I knew so I followed her out to her car after the meeting and asked her for her definition of love. She replied, "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are. She didn't say "alcoholic or my alcoholic" she said everyone and that was when I learned that love is a personal condition which has nothing to do with the "other". It is also called agape love or "God" love...it is how God loves me 24/7 without condition...and so I accepted her definition and it became mine and then my practice. It isn't physical though it could be manifested that way. It is totally core spiritual character and personality. When I learned it the fight went away. When you get it the "train wreck" speech stops and you can also say no to the physical because you also love yourself unconditionally.
"The greatest love is to love God with your whole mind and soul and your neighbor as How do you love you? In the program we learn to love ourselves unconditionally with acceptance, margin, mercy, compassion, empathy and with all of the other positive spiritual tools...like God loves us.
I also arrived at a understanding of self love, self trust and self appreciation with my alcoholic/addict wife when I could say. "I love you....I love having you here....and...I don't need you". Meaning of course that I could live my life totally dependent of her and then I did. I love her today as much as I love everyone else in my life...physically or cyberly or spiritually. I was brought to a new understanding of who I was responsible for and to...me.
Keep working it Lyne practice new stuff that seems to works for others and get what they get. (((((hugs)))))
