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How do you work through this issue; the constant envy of people who are happy?
I see couples my age or older, happily married and enjoying each other's company. The Facebook posts about how their spouse is their best friend and they couldn't imagine life without them. And I sit here completely alone in my marriage, feeling envy and jealousy at others good fortune.
How do I get past this because I hate feeling this way. I was dealt the life I have, it's no ones fault but my own but I can't figure out how to work through the envy.
I have two prayers attached to my God direct line .. !. Please help me want to release________ Please help me to release_____. Often I need number 1 'cause I sure can have fun with those emotions that keep me in all in a whirl
Comparing ourselves to others only takes in what we think we can see. I knew a very wealthy man. On the outside it appeared that he was loved by the whole world, that his life was a cakewalk, that he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, that he hadn't had a minute's problem with his two grown kids and was happily married. What many didn't know was that his wife had been slowly dying from ms for multiple years, that in many ways he led a solitary life, that there were those who didn't care about him - just the money he had - and his kids had their own story of their growing up years with their Dad. We can want the lives that others seem to have and those lives come with challenges and hurt, too.
That's a challenge for me too. I am really envious of people who travel a lot. Something I've always wanted to do. I only take short cheap trips, and it seems like everyone around me is taking huge trips across the world. I have to work on being happy with what I have.
I have that problem too, because I have an alcoholic daughter. I look at other mothers doing mother-daughter things and I don't know if she will ever get treatment and that will ever happen again. It makes me sad and I actually don't look at facebook that much anymore, to avoid seeing that much "happiness". I get through it by thinking that as bad as my daughters life has become, I do have other children who have good and productive lives. Other than my daughter, my life is great and I have to be thankful for that and not dwell on the one negative thing in my life...even though it isn't easy..one day at a time.
I believe it's already been said above, but just like you, those people are showing publicly what they want others to see. Not saying that anyone's being intentionally deceptive in these numerous social media posts (I see tons of them too!), but we all only share what we're comfortable sharing.
I used to do this a lot too, comparing myself to others who I felt were "happier" than I was, or who had it more "together" than I did. Then I started realizing that, whether they did or didn't, that wasn't the point. The point was that I was using those perceptions, those imaginary stories I told myself, so I could take the focus off of me, and what I wasn't doing in my own life.
Easy Does It. Keep The Focus On You. I promise, those phrases work when applied liberally, lol!
When I "compare" myself to happy people, I'm not telling myself that they're happy; I'm telling myself that I'm not happy.
I don't compare myself with other happy people - I compare my now life with my then life and find myself happy to be in the now. Seemingly happy people may not be showing what's really going on; after spending time with them, I have left with the thought: thank goodness I don't have to live with that _______ and put up with ____________. I would love to be part of a happy couple, but until the right one comes along, I have to be happy with me.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
"Don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel" I have to constantly remind myself of this. What I have learned is that everyone has struggles, don't ever believe that anyone has a perfect life.
The thing I envy about other people is families with "normal" Dads. I wish that AH would've been a more hands-on Dad to our kids. They are all teenagers now and someday I know he will look back and be sad about what he missed out on. The positive thing is the kids and I have always taken off on our own and had fun...I always felt like I had to makeup for the lack of "dad-ness" in their lives. It's a struggle - I understand exactly what you are saying. I guess there is always the option of us leaving...sometimes I worry that I would end up even worse off, that's how sick I am. But I realize it now, and I'm working on it. I hope your HP can give you some peace in this area :)
I know everyone has struggles. My issue is how to work on envy and jealousy. I can't change my past, that is what it is. I do want a better future. One where I'm not constantly grieving for the loving supportive spouse I don't have or the loving involved Dad that my kids didn't get.
Envy and jealousy are negative thoughts and emotions and they are a slow poison to my happiness.
-- Edited by Spur on Tuesday 14th of October 2014 09:55:34 PM
Spur, the fear Keeps nagging me is that the only way I might escape that envy and jealousy is to go out and make a better life happen, without AH. That scares me more than I can even admit, but I'm not certain my AH is capable of loving anything but his alcohol. Right now I am trying to find happiness in things not involving him and cherishing those moments of peace. I agree it really stinks for the kids...my teens sadly don't expect anything from AH anymore except stupid stories about how perfect he was whe he was their age (more denial about the truth...) they pretty much go to their rooms and stay there or go with friends when he's home. I could go on and on. I hope that we can all find some ways to cope with this difficult problem...seeking my HP :)
((((Spur))))...I hated feeling jealous and envious which made me sooo sick and then fortunately I had a great sponsor who told me that "if you hate what you're feeling and its making your sick...then feel the opposite and which you will like". The opposite of envy and jealousy ...for me is gratitude (for the good stuff I have in my life). It has always worked...for me. ((((hugs))))
(((((Spur)))))),
I learn from happy people, for some reason I've always preferred to celebrate good fortune even if it belongs to others - I probably hope some of it would rub off! These days I look at people who have good relationships so that I can see how they express their love whilst maintaining individuality. Also we never know what hurdles some people have to cope with - I don't think I know anyone who has had a completely smooth run at it.
Spur: Daily assets and gratitude lists can help. I also find myself wondering if your HP has placed some of these folks into your life so that you can learn from them? If they have what you want, what do they do that you can see to gain and maintain whatever it is that you'd like in your life? If you can see it, emulate it. If you feel safe enough, ask them questions that have to do with what you want for yourself that they have? People love to talk about themselves -especially with people they trust are truly sincere and truly paying attention to them. Let your envy work for you by turning the question around from what might be "why don't I have..." to "how do I make room for this in my life? or something on that order."
I remember when I was with my ex-A - We were both alcoholics by the way - Anyhow, we would sit around all angry and jealous and say things like "How do other people have such nice houses and cars and get to go on vacations to such pretty places and we are just struggling all the time?!!" Meanwhile, all we were both doing was self-sabotage, wasting money on alcohol and cigarettes, and being too sick and too negative minded to ever make either of our dreams come true. When I surrendered and really let go of him as well getting sober and working on my own character defects and conquering fears....that is when suddenly I stopped being a "have not."
I can't imagine being tied to someone hell bent on self-destruction and negativity now. Not acceptable for me.
I appreciate all of you so much for offering your experience and empathy. Living with an A is a lonely existence. My father was a brutal A and I envied friends who had parents who loved and cherished them and treated them like valuable human beings. I have a longtime friend who grew up in a wonderful family and I spent as much time at her house as I could because it was a positive and supporting environment. No one yelled, no one got beat and her parents actually talked to their kids and had an interest in their lives. I wanted that when I grew up.
However, I didn't date the nice guys when I was young. I was unknowingly attracted to guys that liked to party and had dysfunctional homes like mine. Of course, I didn't realize birds of a feather flock together. My close friend however always dated the nice guys and married a nice guy who came from a similar home environment as she did. They have had a loving marriage and raised their kids in a positive environment.
I tried to marry a nice guy too, not knowing his father was an A. We can't seem to out maneuver our genetics and although my A was a social drinker when we married, he became a full blown A despite my best efforts. I know divorce is the best solution to my unhappiness, but like Fairlee its also a scary path. I left my career to work in A business and also so I could be at home when my kids were growing up. Big mistake in hindsight, but of course my kids have benefitted from having a full time parent but I haven't been employed for 15 years. Struggling to find work and when I do it requires relocating, which I'm fully accepting of, just can't do it at this time. Youngest is a freshman. When my A chose his disease over me and the kids, I have thrown myself fully into providing as stable an environment as I can for them.
But soon my kids will be gone and my life will be truly empty if I stay in this marriage. I think envy and jealousy are my best friends these days because I'm lonely, my life didn't work out as planned and I'm scared. I have always been the strong parent, the one who does all the planning, all the running, all the supporting, all the everything that is needed when raising kids. I'm scared of losing that role for the unknown. I guess I'll know when the time has come but in the meantime I will use the help that has been offered here to try and deal with the envy and jealousy.
I am a single woman. I've lived on my own since 1979. My last child left the nest about 13 years ago. I retired in July. The unknown for me thus far is: Sleeping until I want to get up most days. Going to bed when I want to go to bed most days. Exercise classes 3 times a week. Al-Anon meetings at least twice a week. Time spent with friends (many of my friends have died or moved and yet there is always someone to enjoy life with if I choose). Time spent with my daughter and grandson at least once or twice a week and a few calls in between. Workshops that I want to attend. Trips to enjoy a lake close to my home. Visits with neighbors. Trying new recipes out on myself and others. Gardening. Movies. Walks. Trips to places I want to see. Listening to music any time day or night. Authoring a book. E-mailing friends and long distance family members. Dinners and lunches out with friends or former co-workers. Volunteering soon at a retreat center.
It's a very good, quiet and simple life. I like losing the roles I've played and the hats I've worn. Life without the stress of multiple responsibilities is peaceful and healthy. I like it. I'm happy in it. I've learned that the life beyond what we know is a life that is filled with opportunity for new experiences and old loves.
Thank you grateful. I had a good cry after my last post. I needed that. Need to cry often these days but not always have the luxury of following through.
I needed to hear that there is serenity after living with alcoholism. My happiest times in life were living on my own at college. No A father raging, no mother not protecting. It was only me and the life I made there. The second time was the first years of my marriage before A became A. I had friends and activities and a job that I loved. Then alcohol found its way back into my life and I was trapped all over again and socially stunted.
I have in recent years made the efforts to have a social life outside of my dysfunctional marriage. People are used to seeing me without A yet no one ever asks. I guess our egos get in the way and we think because we're married we're expected to be a duo. Apparently only our ego knows that rule. It's been good for me because I need the social contact and I need to make connections if I have hopes of returning to work in my field. Life has moved on in my twenty years of dysfunction and I have to get caught up!
I'm not sure of your age, but if you are 50 or older, AARP pay folks through a government program to work places and help with job training for displaced workers or people who need new skills that often have to do with boring computer stuff but that might be a possibility for you in getting your feet wet in the business world again. Temporary placement agencies are also a possibility.
Spur. . I havwnt posted in awhile but tiday came on the boards and read this thread and thought, "yup, she is me, i am her" i dont know your story and you dont know mine, but in oh so many ways i share your pain, envy, fear and lack if contentment. Ive dubbed myself as a married single mom. . . Its what i ammany days. Its not easy. All i do is one da at a time.
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When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
Grateful, I am over 50. Currently I'm volunteering time at my kids school, and at our church. Computer skills I have from years of doing A book work. This however is not my 'field of expertise' which I would like to return to without going back to school for a higher degree. Unfortunately, job opportunities where we live are nil in my field, because we're in a very rural area, closest big city two hours away. If only we had high speed rail available.
Theoceancalls, thank you for joining in. I too am a single Mom with the benefit of my A income. I don't have the money worries that many single Moms have but I have all the responsibility of being both Mom and Dad 24/7.
I'm in this situation as well. My youngest is 17 and will be home for several years yet. I have homeschooled two sons, one is now in college 600 miles from home. I have chosen to stay because of the homeschooling mainly, but once that role has ended I do plan to leave. My home is somewhat stable because A works out of town and when he is here he is not explosive. The A in my house is addicted to pain pills, now on maintenance meds, and completely checked out and subdued. I so long for a relationship that involves trust, friendship, intimacy - love. I don't even have to see it in other people, I just know it is missing in my life and that's enough to wound my spirit. I long to hold hands, laugh, snuggle, talk, blah blah blah. I miss having a companion. I offer no advice. I haven't been here long enough to know if it's appropriate to just climb in with you and mourn what is lost, but that is what I offer. Sad that it had to be like this but strangely it helps for me to know I'm not alone in it.
SG, I'm grateful you felt compelled to join this conversation. I thank God every day that I found Al Anon. I've lived in silent misery for twenty years since my husband became a alcoholic. That loneliness and isolation is something we all seem to share here. It was such a relief for me too to find this board and read other people's experiences with alcoholic or drug addicted spouses. Our stories are all very similar and it's comforting to be able to share our deepest thoughts and worries with other Al Anons because they know and they understand. We're all hurting or have been hurt by addiction but together we can find strength and friendship and that makes me feel a lot less alone these days.
What I miss the most in my marriage is the feeling of being loved. Like you, holding hands, cuddled up together watching a movie or a football game. The kiss good bye every morning and the kiss good night in bed. My A and I live as roommates. The only act of kindness he ever shows me is when we're out in public, he'll ask me what I want to drink and I know he only still does that because it gets him to the bar. Sad. It's painfully sad that this is what my life has devolved to.
I felt like this for years. When I saw couples that looked healthy and happy it highlighted my own misery and showed me what I never had, the same happened when my son went off the rails, i couldnt bear to look at families. I dont like facebook and thats why because I dont like looking at the happy family photos, its all very staged as well so I found myself feeling inadequate so its great to have choices so I choose not to take part so I dont go on facebook. Easy.
I don't do much of that envy anymore, since I became a member of Alanon and began looking at life more realistically. Now I see that everyone has their own issues. I find myself being the happy one, less messed up one in company now much more these days. I look at my lot, my family and I can see the good in what Ive got. Its not perfect, were affected by alcoholism but there are lots of really good parts to focus on these days. Gratitude lists, assets list help fight away these feelings as does working through the steps.x
I used to think about how happy everyone seemed and wonder about what went on in their heads and lives. In actuality they may or may not be as happy as they say or appear, but in truth it doesn't matter. When I found al-anon I became one of those people who stopped wasting my time looking at anyone else or comparing myself and I dug into me. Through the steps I got rid of the hindering old survival skills and slowly became a happier and free person. It took me a couple good hard years diving into al-anon, my face to face meetings, doing the work and having my sponsor help push me through to slough off a lot of old dysfunctional thinking, but I am worth it and you are too. Life is good, don't be jealous come join in! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for this post. Tried talking to a friend recently and unless you live it you can't understand the loneliness and that yes you can be a married single parent. I'm overwhelmed working, caring and doing everything for 2 young kids, and feeling like I'm failing at it all. Keep taking care of you!
A lot of people prefer to project the good side of their lives on social media and in other public areas of their lives.
I know it because I do it. Not because I'm trying to paint a pretty picture and convince people my life is perfect. It's just because I don't want to drop heavy bombs in those sort of social situations - mostly because a large chunk of my friends are not in the program. I voice a trouble in that atmosphere, I get bombarded with "shoulds" and other people who only have good intentions but have no clue how to be supportive like my friends in Al-Anon.
So, that's just speaking for myself. I know I am not unique, however, so no - when I see the cheery photos and posts about how awesome someone's life is, I take it that it's a moment of happiness right at that time for that person, but that I'm certain they have their dark challenges, as well.
I spent too much of my life comparing myself to other people. It does nothing for me.
I'm learning to be happy for what my friends have and count my own blessings, and know that I am enough just as I am, and that means I don't need to keep measuring myself up to other people. Do I never do it anymore? No. I am perfectly human, for sure! And I can catch myself wishing for the perfect spouse or perfect travel life or perfect body or perfect home so I can finally be happy. But eventually I loop back around to remembering I have a CHOICE to be happy right NOW with what I have right now.
When I was unhappy with my exAH, it was because I was unhappy with myself. It took me time to start recognizing what choices I could make in my life to start being happy despite my marital situation. It was a lot of careful baby steps and, yes, I got to hear often from the A how selfish I was because I was putting myself first - my needs and my happiness - instead of putting my life on hold for him.
One day at a time. Gratitude lists helped me a lot, and asking myself often "what makes me happy" were all helpful things that eventually lessened my need to compare myself with others.
I like to remind my self not to compare my" insides to other people's outsides ".
For many years my friends and family all thought I had the perfect life and marriage, I lived in Pretend and Denial and believed that if the world thought I had it all--that was all that was important --- Not so.
Alanon gave me real tools to live my life. Insead of denial and pretend I now face my day with courage, wisdom and some serenity a product of which was joy and happiness. Gratitude and asset list and practicing a Step 11 daily helped me to keep the focus on myself and not to" compare and despair"
I must add that my son passed 7years ago and I thought I would never be happy again- today thanks to program, I cherish the happy times we had together,the memories I hold dear and live my life in the present moment without "regrets and if onlys"
These days I look at people who have good relationships so that I can see how they express their love whilst maintaining individuality. Also we never know what hurdles some people have to cope with - I don't think I know anyone who has had a completely smooth run at it.