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It's kind of crazy right now and it's all hitting at the same time obviously .. I'm going to say it .. LOL .. 2 more days .. woot woot!!! I'm over the moon as this is the closest I have been to being free from the controlling chaos that has reigned and I allowed to reign over the last 17 years of my life.
My daughter is suppose to be auditioning for the jr orchestra today, she has a big project due tomorrow and was having a melt down however wouldn't communicate why. I was asked to work all day today which normally isn't an issue however .. today is a holiday here in the States so the kids are out of school. Needless to say I can not be 100 places and since my STBAX never communicates what is going on with him .. I choose not to count on him for anything supportive. After all he has his "dying" mother to attend to .. . My son doesn't like to be left alone for long periods of time because of where we live .. some of the kids one day discovered he was home alone and did some things that they thought were funny and he was terrified. I actually came home from work and I was not a happy woman .. not at my son at these kids who were being (dumb) kids. I haven't had that issue since and they have been fully warned if I have to come home again there was going to be big issues. My car is not home stay off my porch stay away from my front door, you've got no business here. They all apologized and while my door is constantly knocked on when I'm home .. LOL .. it is not when my car is not there. Long periods of time are more than 3 hours. Well, my only option was to bring him into work with me and unfortunately with what is going on at work that's not an option at the moment.
My girl came to me this AM and said .. I don't have to go today I can go next year which is fine if that's what SHE wants to do. I do not want this chalked up in the Mom let me down yet again box .. there are some things as a single only functioning parent I can't control. I am then informed the reason she's having the meltdown is because her English teacher has told the office supply place to only do so many bindings of a paper she has to do .. UMM .. WTH is that about? I have NEVER in my LIFE had a teach put that kind of requirement on a paper and I call BS sooooo much .. I'm telling you what .. the roof will be raised if that is true .. TRUST me it will be. Now if my kid was driving age which will be next year .. completely different situation. This is the stuff that just irritates me to no end. I have a plan for later tonight to get this all done. Now I'm being told that might not workout by my daughter .. LOL .. GOOD LUCK ON THAT .. she knows me well enough to know .. I will raise holy hell over that one.
Anyway, .. long story short and I'm getting to the recovery part is that I told my daughter it's fine if it's what she wants however not to rearrange her plans because of what she's concerned about with her brother, with me and so on .. it's all going to workout. I'm not accepting the fall for her choosing not to go to her audition. She will have to take ownership of that one. She didn't like that .. lol .. and I don't like having to accept responsibility for my choices either so I get it.
Something that struck me was that Alanon has taught me that I'm human and not perfect .. AA has taught me how to be a grown up because trust me I might not be an A .. I sure don't like to accept responsibility for my choices.
Melly's post got me thinking about something that happened with my first Ex .. HA HA ..right now my only Ex. He was a druggie. Well, we tried to start a business and it was a nightmare wound up with an office space and nothing that was going on in it. One day I needed something and was looking for the office key and my key was gone. I got freaked out and asked my Ex where my key was .. well he didn't know .. I was like well that's so weird I always leave it right here. So it must have been a few days later and this was the one and only time he beat me. I do not play in that regard for whatever reason my guardian angels just move me to do what I can not do for myself. Went to the property management because I had concerns .. and OMGOSH .. those poor people I have never felt such humiliation in my life at that point I'm 25 years old and was just shattered. My Ex's ex-girlfriend and her husband I guess were living in our office space and it looked like a drug den .. they had even ran an extension cord to hook up power from the bathroom to the office. I had some very colorful words for them to get out she went to touch me and even the property manager looked at her and said if I were you I would just leave do not touch this woman. They pulled me aside I had a man and woman with me .. the woman hugged me tight and the guy looked at me and said I'm soooo sorry .. you honestly did not know did you. It wasn't a question it was a statement. I just started crying. They were so wonderful .. I promised to make good as I had been and I promised to get all of that stuff out of there. I did both my mother, myself .. my Ex (he was watched closely). I tried to explain to him that we were responsible for this and the whole time he's going on about how he didn't know they were there .. LOL .. SERIOUSLY? Well, .. even then I understood some of personal responsibility .. I told him I REALLY didn't know and I'm still responsible .. if something had happened MY name was on that lease. I truly did NOT know and for him to stand before me and try and lie it just wasn't happening. Anyway, he never got it. They don't/can't care about the devastation they have brought on others because I believe it means accepting personal responsibility which would be a start of having to look at overall behavior which means they have to drink not to think. Or drug or whatever .. what I did do was find people who could help me and they did and it was wonderful .. I was able to get out. Unfortunately, I was still young and dumb to give myself credit this current guy wasn't like my ex. He wasn't a druggie. He was a two headed dragon of a different sort.
What I will say is that this too shall pass .. I can definitely say I'm hopefully wiser. I know life is easier when I accept personal responsibility and if that is the one lesson I can give to my children now vs them having to discover it in their 30's or 40's that is a life lesson gift that definitely makes things soooo much easier.
Now .. daughter is not pleased .. I know she will understand when she's older. How much older? I don't know .. LOL .. she will understand the gift of what I'm trying to teach. She's not required to accept 100% only her part.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My daughter is 36 now - almost 37 - with a 15 year old son. She gets a lot now that she couldn't get at his age. Teaching by living personal accountability and allowing your daughter to make choices and experience the consequences of those choices isn't easy, is it? Glad you're doing it.
Just wow! You're really doing it,living not existing! *inspired* especially like that you didn't ask for help where you knew you wouldn't get it,thus avoiding any coda drama.
The ending of my day .. LOL .. OMGOSH .. well, beautiful daughter did not go to audition and is officially ok with it .. she makes me laugh .. so at lunch we run to the school (thankfully we live right down the road from the school it is of course raining or she would have taken herself down there) so she has access to her information for whatever reason I thought the poor kid was going to loose it as she can't get her information. Now there is a teacher who is going to the door ... I'm late going back to work .. LOL .. I'm going .. umm .. maybe it would be wise to talk to the computer teacher going in .. you have all this stuff already done in your locker. LOL .. her .. NOOOOO .. me .. thinking ::child you will not live to see 16 if you don't get out of the car::: I pushed again because now I'm late we've been there for more than 15 min and this is the only person we've seen go IN the building. She got mad storms out of the car and is back in literally 1 min .. LOL .. now she has apologized and said you were right I'm just frustrated .. which again I get and this is not all on her I didn't realize the drama attached to getting on flipping project done! Ohhh .. funny someone mentioned help .. her boyfriends mom offered to help and honestly .. love this gal she's really terrific .. I need the distraction at the moment. Plus my brain doesn't flip switches easily. It would have messed with my day in more ways than one. It really was better this happened this way. So at the end of the day .. there is a tornado warning not once .. at least 5 in a matter of 30 min .. so that leads to a comical discussion with my kids on the phone in the bathroom at home as my daughter exclaims she feels like Harry Potter in his closet. LOL! It's only a warning after all and me loosing my mind 3 miles away explaining the difference between a warning and watch .. LOL! I finally get home the kids are in the bathroom and I give them leave to get out .. my little guy was fine .. he was funny too .. he's 10 and I had promised a movie night with his best friend. Before I leave the house to engage on this new deal .. I have to hook up the wireless printer so I can see exactly what an idiot my STBAX actually is and I'm going to just strangle him .. not dead because I would like the pleasure of doing it again .. you know like rewind .. again .. and again and again ..ugh .. he wants to open negotiations on the parenting agreement. Ummm .. NOOOOOO!!! I am DONE .. why can't he just let us GO? He hasn't seen the kids in 6 weeks .. the back up I have is unreal and he's going to be screwed in big and new ways .. plus his atty just stated in the letter how STBAX can't afford HIS atty fees how is he suppose to pay MINE? LOL? So you want a trial a real knock down blow out trial .. UGH .. well not my problem at this point I just keep doing the next right thing. No .. this is not happening at this point. Now we are off and running to Staples for the book binding .. LOL! I'm agitated at this point .. ugh. I understand what the teacher was trying to say .. the kids took it and didn't understand the point .. they can only do so many bindings at once .. so what that means is that they have to many there you will have to come back. There was no one there when we went .. LOL .. there are days it pays to be the last one. It took all of 5 min and my daughter was breathing a sigh of relieve and I'm proud that she did such a great job on it. SO then we are running between boyfriends house and back to the movies .. LOL .. I just want to say Box Trolls is one of the oddest movies I have ever seen and my girlfriend and I rolled at some of the stuff happening .. JELLY .. I love JELLY! I do think I regressed to that of a 7 year old child at this point .. had a good message just very weird. This is chaos and the God of my understanding His wicked sense of humor to remind me of what is and isn't important. I had a big giggle over it and some talking to the ceiling moments of reeeeaaaalllyyy .. lol.
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Good work SRU- it's not always easy being a Mom. I think we can offer what we can as much as we can to our children when they're young. They may never use the information, but it will become available to them should they want it or need it.
. My son doesn't like to be left alone for long periods of time because of where we live .. some of the kids one day discovered he was home alone and did some things that they thought were funny and he was terrified. I actually came home from work and I was not a happy woman .. not at my son at these kids who were being (dumb) kids. I haven't had that issue since and they have been fully warned if I have to come home again there was going to be big issues. My car is not home stay off my porch stay away from my front door, you've got no business here. They all apologized and while my door is constantly knocked on when I'm home .. LOL .. it is not when my car is not there. Long periods of time are more than 3 hours. Well, my only option was to bring him into work with me and unfortunately with what is going on at work that's not an option at the moment.