Constantly Crying - Al-Anon Family Group

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: Constantly Crying

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

(((((((Hullibee)))))) I'm so sorry. We're here for you so please keep sharing here, venting, whatever it takes to get through this. TT

Hullibee · Senior Member

Paula, I live in West Michigan between Grand Rapids and Lansing. If you live close id be willing. Private message me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Ellen)))) This reminds me of the times I have been ditched and disrespected by my alcoholic/addict and how I handled it at first and then learn to carry on in a different way. The feelings from the infidelities are real and made more real by my imagination as I took myself out of the "we" picture and pictured someone else in my place. I pictured her sharing intimacies with someone else that she only shared with me (I thought) and that was devastating. I also didn't know what to do because all of my investment was into "us", "We", "She" and it came up empty and in debt. I didn't only cry...I raged and went insane. I had to learn that what I was going thru was normal for the condition. A metaphor for the situation was as if someone had jammed their fist into my chest and ripped my heart out and as melodramatic as it sounded that is how it felt. I couldn't breath until I commanded myself to and I was dizzy a whole part of the time.

Yes call your sponsor and go sit with her and share it all with her...thoughts, feelings, spirit. Be honest with her and don't "shade" the telling of it. This isn't about you being proper it is about you being assaulted and bruised and left in pain. Tantrum!! that is part of how I handled mine. I tantrumed often and well like a wounded child and I tantrumed on purpose...taking some time to go to a safe place where I wouldn't hurt myself further or anyone else and just jump up and down and pumping my fists and arms in the air and bobbing my head and screaming from my gut. I would do this for 15 to 20 seconds until my energy level came down in power and then I'd go on with something quiet until I needed to do it again. I didn't hold back on the names I called her and I didn't mean them I meant angry and she hurt me deeply. My sponsor and my home group taught me that it would take time and allowed me all the time I needed as long as I would also sit with an open mind and listen in the group and follow the suggestions. I did more than survive...I flourished and that is the miracle we speak of in Al-Anon.

What you are going thru is temporary as you allow it to be. It will pass no matter how many times you think that 40 years has made it permanent. Trusting God and the program and sponsor and all the tools will ease you thru this. I know because at one time I thought it should do me in and I was wrong. Trust MIP also and your own skills in teaching...become the student when you can and allow yourself to be taught. We are with you and know what it feels like. Its temporary. (((((hugs))))) smile

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you all. I went to see counselor then a f2f meeting. I feel a lot better. Crying has stopped for a while.

Elcee I will make a list. It will be good and bad. I think you're right about me putting him on a pedestal. I have always thought he was such a good man, but it's all gone now. All he wants is to drink and cavort. That is not my best friend, lover, husband. I don't know where he went but he's gone.

Jerry you have just said everything I have been feeling. Tantrum, huh?? That's exactly how I feel, like throwing a fit. My crying jags are extreme. Thank you.

Neshema, I agree with you. I hear you too. I am trying to make it through one minute at a time. Yes this is something that happened to me. It does not define me. Ok I am starting to get it. not crying.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Stay away from any thoughts and imaginations that start with "he left because there is some thing wrong with me that couldn't hold him in place. He just left because period. My daughter-in-law is going thru the same thing and has more time going thru it...residual pain is inevitable and now when I hear her express it there is more balance as she expresses self affirmations and love. My eldest son also relapsed and left ashes and chafe behind him, his family destroyed. I called him by accident last Saturday morning as I was about to take another alcoholic by the same name to a meeting...my son sounded deeply under the influence. We go on and leave them, the hims and hers to a power greater than ourselves without looking back to see if they are following or waiting with the expectations that they might return to us fixed. That's a God thing and then not only a God thing because the hims and the hers need to do their part. Sending prayers (((((hugs))))) smile

Hullibee · Senior Member

Jerry you are so wise. That is exactly what my mind has been doing. "What did I do or not do to make him abandon me??" I know I didn't cause it, I cannot control it, I can't cure it.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hullibee, how are you today? I hope your feeling better.x

Hullibee · Senior Member

Elcee I got a good nights sleep. Took sleeping pill but only 1 this time. It helped. I slept all night. Im not crying so far. A little shaky but trying to concentrate on kids and work. One Day At A Time

blessed · Senior Member

I can totally relate. Towards the end, right before I left my A, I would be at work and just start crying, and couldn't stop. Oh my goodness, I felt foolish and very unprofessional to say the least, but none the less, the tears still flowed. I wiped them and continued to work checking in/out patients and answering the phone, etc.

Many good tips & tools from other people here that you can use to release some of the angst. Try each one and find out what works for you. I would add EXERCISE. Whether a walk or a full blown cardio sweat, that helps me a lot to relieve stress even if I don't feel stressed. When I am doing something good for me, and not thinking about the A, I feel better. Even if I just paint my toes or fix my hair. It doesn't have to be big or expensive; just something that is nice for you, whatever you like. If you are able to get a massager or a facial or whatever, by all means give yourself a treat. Go to lunch w/ a friend or shopping. Anything to take your mind off of the A - and put it on YOU.

Someone wrote something about putting the A on a pedestal and I did that remembering how our life was in the beginning; it was great. And a few brief moments I said, "I am just going back and sucking it up but I won't have to be the main breadwinner". Then I MADE MYSELF remember all the horrible mean things he has done to me over the years, not even spending Chrsitmas w/ me, but w/ his mom in another state and sending me a fruit basket by mail - and then yelling at the company when it was a day late saying, "I send my wife a gift and you can't get it there on time, that is perfect." He got his money back so my "gift" was free to him. Wow! Didn't I feel special? (shake my head) But, there are so many more I could write a book, and I remember this was not a happy marriage, it was not a marriage at all. It was me managing an addict's life. I know we are to leave the past in the past but sometimes I have to revisit to remember why I am where I am right now, and then look forward.

But, when you are alone, and can cry, by all means cry. It is healing is many ways. This is a grieving process. We have lost someone we loved and might still love. And by all means talk to someone who will listen, like your sponsor. And remember your HP is always there to cry to and talk to 24/7/365. Utilize that wonderful resource.

I have also used sleeping pills, prescribed by my doctor, when I really needed to sleep and it really helped. Glad you got a good night's sleep.

You have a beautiful smile.

T~

-- Edited by blessed on Tuesday 14th of October 2014 08:55:16 AM

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you Blessed. I know ive put him up there. Hes always seemed so kind to others, caring, helpful. But to me ive always had to wait. Even when it was important like when i had gallbladder attack. I had to take myself to the hospital he told me to go back to sleep. I know ive blown his love out of proportion its just that ive been with him for so long that i forgave his idiosyncrises.

Not crying today. I think sleeping did good for me. Not so stressed.

Spur · Senior Member

Hulli bee,

Grieving the loss of your marriage and the life you have known for the past forty years is most certainly understandable. (((Hugs))) to you. There is a saying that tear drops are memories escaping our thoughts. You have forty years of memories. That's a lot of tears. You need to cry to purge the sadness from your soul. Divorce is hard when it's not our plan. Please take care of you. One day at a time.

-- Edited by Spur on Tuesday 14th of October 2014 12:47:08 PM

vm54 · Member

I was crying day and night too and I am a college professor. You can imagine what college students think about it. I said I had allergies. I actually do have allergies, but they don't act up day and night! My daughter is the alcoholic. She left her husband 3 weeks ago and I know she still loves him. She moved in with another guy and she told me she had been hanging out with him because he was an alcoholic and gave her all the booze she wanted and a place to drink and a buddy to go to bars with. She went for an assessment, but before the results came back she just moved in with this other guy. I know her and I know she really doesn't care about him at all, other than as a place to drink and a means to get alcohol. I know she still loves her husband, but they signed the divorce papers yesterday. He still lives with us (they both were and just got married in May). I can't promise you will stop crying, but I can promise you will cry less. Every day I get a little stronger and I can fight off the tears, at least during my lecture, as long as no one asks about my daughter that is. Going to a lot of Al Anon meetings really helps. I go to 2 a day, which might seem like a lot, but I couldn't even get through the day otherwise. It really helps to talk to people who have actually lived through similar situations. One thing I learned is that you have to focus on YOU. The alcoholic made their choices and there is nothing you can do about that. However, you can choose to let their bad choices take you down or not. That is the detachment part. It is a process and I am still getting through it, but detaching myself from her problems is the only way I can make it. Otherwise, I would just blubber and cry all day long. I have actually gone a couple days now without tears actually getting down my face. Keep coming back, there are a lot of people here who will support you.

Hullibee · Senior Member

Thank you Spur and VM54.

I have been trying to go to meetings. I went last night and will go again tonight. I havent cried all day just once and thats surprising. My heart is so raw. I am grateful for all the new friends ive made here on MIP. If it wasnt for your love and support i truly wouldnt get through the day.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You betcha!! more coming from your MIP family. Meeting makers make it...just a slogan. (((hugs))) smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.