If I were concerned about my son's safety, I would check, but that would be one of the few reasons to check.  When our son caused us concern a few years ago, my husband did stop by, sat with him until the danger passed and reaffirmed that we loved him and would not pass judgment.  My son held onto my husband when he walked in like his life depended on it.  Whlie we cannot heal them ,we can love them.  Prayers for you and your family.

When in doubt, it's safe to assume they're drinking.  If not in doubt, they're drinking.  That's what alcoholics do.

What you know is:

he's not in a formal program of recovery

of those who have been in a formal program of recovery, the majority relapse and continue drinking

even he says, apparently, that he has 'one or two' when out socializing - but stopping at one or two isn't possible for an alcoholic, or else they wouldn't be an alcoholic

he says he's ill, which is what he does when he's drinking

he's evasive, which is what he does when he's drinking

...So the chances that this is all caused by something other than drinking are really so small as to not be worth thinking about.

I know that feeling of 'But I don't know for sure, it's hard to think about it unless I know for sure.'  The 'good' news is that drinkers can't hide their drinking, so more and more signs will become apparent. 

So as to whether to go over and see him (which I imagine will turn into a confrontation, as drinkers caught drinking are often belligerent) ... I guess I would ask yourself what your motive is. 

This sounds like a situation in which it's extra important to take care of yourself.

I agree with Jerry F....I used to check up on my last Ex b/c he was sweet and good to me and i cared...not like my first Ex whom I didn't care about,  but when he was stationed in Hawaii, living with his ship mate and friend, I would check up on him by calling his buddy's wife...yea, she would tell me the truth and like Jerry said..."what would I do with the information??"   what i did was get upset...cry...fuss at him to pleeeeeze get help....all the drill....Finally i just got tired of hearing about something that I could not change...didn't cause and for sure i am not gonna cure...and I let up, let it go.......after we split i got into alanon and WOW, the "checking up" thing  , we all did it....we all realized after time that it was no use to do it b/c we are powerless over another's choices....

so you are NOT alone......You're his mom.....My heart breaks for you moms and dads with an addict child.....our nature is to nurture and to protect and fight to the death to protect our cubs.....Other mom's of alcoholic children I am sure will weigh in on your post and you can get some good direction from them as to what they are doing to love their child, but keep their sanity through program.....please keep coming back...this alanon really works.....prayers to you and your boy

Hes telling you what you need to know with his silence. What can you do for yourself, for your own life? Your son is doing what he is doing, nothing you can do but you can set an example by filling up your own life.

I'm not going to say yes or no about contacting him. Each person makes the best choice they can in relationship to their loved ones. I do know he is drinking because he told you he just had some to socialize. He knows that 1 is too many and 100 are not enough. I am also going to say that when my son withdraws, it is because he chooses to do so and I trust that his HP has the scoop. And that doesn't mean I don't check around a bit until I know something about him and his whereabouts - I just don't interfere until he opens a door for me most of the time. And when he does, I don't ask questions about the drinking, etc because he will do what he will do. I do try to listen to him and if I recognize the disease, I wait until he recognizes it, too, and hears his own wisdom about the next step to take. If he's speaking and it sounds to me as if he is talking from that place in him that is healthy, then I affirm what I see to be his strengths and the things he's done well in his life and the memories I have of him that are positive and uplifting. If he's deliberately trying to scam me, there are times I've said so in terms he understands ie "Don't try to outfox the fox, son" or "I don't believe you," or "Is this true?" I do believe that my HP gives me the words to speak when the time is right. I also believe that when my HP reminds me of Euchre games that I've played and the times "I've stayed home," when my partner thought he could take all the tricks, that that is my HP's guidance, too, and I don't act on any fears or resultant feelings that I have. I just pray for him and entrust him into God's hands.

 

 

Mike I inadvertently got a hold of my own elder relapsing alcoholic/addict son and all he had to do was pick up the phone and answer.  We are so familiar with the sound of it and the attitude...is there anything different I should do but continue to surrender him and love him and pray??   I was taught no because that is what worked/works.  I will do what works....(((hugs)))

When my son said he was ill and was sleeping was because he did start to drink again and didn't want me to know. I learned this after about 4 years believing he was really ill and not drunk ill. After a while I was scared thinking he would kill himself by drinking to much and having seizures when he was finally out of alcohol but I let it go. He got scared enough to call 911 himself. After he was released from the ER and not wanting to go to rehab he had to walk home....I quit coming to his aid. This went on and on and I didn't lift a finger to help him. Believe me I was scared during these times but I learned and he learned by telling him never to tell me he's sick unless he is in a hospital dying and have the hospital call me.

He will seek help when he's scared enough and nobody is coming to his rescue. That's what I leaned.