Cease cherishing opinions - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Cease cherishing opinions

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Catherine I just readthe C2C reading for today aand it spoke about un learning much of the romantic nonsense that I grew up with in order to find a satisfying life in the here and now.

WOW what a page and what a thought. It is oh so true

I love the thought for the day that says:"Recovery can involve as much on learning as learning. And my security cannot be based on learning the rules because once I truly learn them they change."

I have found that to be true both in business and in my life. I have always said I am not going to say "Oh this is easy I know how to do this" because once I do say this and feel I can coast, everything changes and I have to start learning again. I think HP has a sense of humor.

Love the quote that says :"The 12 steps of our program have led me to a faith in God which is based on acceptance of the world as it is I no longer agonize over how the world should be." That is a real gift and that is where I am today.

I know that in the beginning of this journey I discarded all my fondly held beliefs and held them up to the light of this program and the tools I was offered. I was then able to develop principles to live by that included faith, courage, serenity and wisdom. What a gift!!!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Life is must so much more delicious when I can watch with openness and curiosity.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Great topic grateful. I think the most important lesson ive learned in this program is that my old long held belief systems have been outdated and just plain wrong in lots of cases. What a revelation that was. These beliefs I clung to based on what my younger, damaged mind worked out, wereactually harming me, confusing me most of the time. It wasnt until my forties that I learned this and pparticularly that it was right to rethink. Consider I could be wrong, its okay to be wrong, that was a biggie for me. I could be wrong, likely am wrong and it doesnt make me stupid or an idiot, or a bad person, its maturity to me.

I say to my children, well you could be right and I could be wrong, im okay with being wrong. I love being okay with being wrong. Such freedom in it. I dont have to argue or defend my beliefs or thoughts because I could be wrong.

Also, whilst in the midst of living with alcoholism my denial meant that a lot of the time I had to or chose to distort the truth. I lived in pretence so my thoughts reflect that. My quest for the truth of me has been brilliant, best journey of my life. I still dont know myself, all of me, but im getting closer.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful said____we are also encouraged to cease cherishing our opinions. We can know what we know and stay open to learning what we don't know if we choose. As I grow older, so much of what I learned when I was younger no longer holds any water. There are a few things that I believe to be true based on experience that I did learn when I was younger. So much though was merely opinion based on facts or fiction at hand at one time in my life. In letting go of thinking I know it all, I see that I know so much less than I thought I did once upon a time.

Keeping an open mind is such a softer way to live than clinging to my opinions and past experiences in life. I can grow with the program's wisdom. I'll just struggle and make myself miserable when I believe I've learned all there is to learn in this life. It just isn't so.

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WOW...that was a "need to see" post from you to me......so much of what i learned in the past was either false or just does not work for me......the ole slogan "HOW" Honesty...Openess....Willingness comes to mind here.......if my mind is closed, i stunt my growth.....I do watch for that b/c I can be opinionated but now, at least I am aware and i check it and say "well there just might be another way/idea"

case in point....I have a boss at work who said to me Daughter #2 isn't mine b/c she did not come from my womb.....I looked at him and said very openly, "if I closed my mind to motherhood just b/c I was too old anymore to have children, I would have missed out on this blessing that HP sent me b/c he trusted in my being a good mother"

I also told him, how DARE he tell me I am not this kid's mom.....I raised her...trained her...worried over her....took her to hospital when she gave birth...held her as she brought into this world a grandchild for me.....cleaned up after when she was sick....then after i told him "shes mine...I am hers.....case closed" I walked away from him and went to my desk and began my work....at first i was fuming at his "dna or not so" attitude, then I just considered the source and thanked HP that my mind and my heart ARE open to HP's blessings.........yes...keeping an open mind is waaay softer......AND as my illustration, if ya don't agree??? LIVE and LET live....what works for another may not work for me, but does that make them wrong??? NO!!! Just different........NICE post, Catherine...hope i didn't wander off topic too badly.....HUGS

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I so get this. Sometimes i just listen and smile. Everyone is on their own journey. I have never felt it was my job to change anyone's mind. Just not my job.

hugs lady!

Fairlee · Senior Member

I watched that same program! It was fascinating how they could tell the man's diet from his bones! He had a rough life, that's for sure!

I really appreciate what you shared here about being open minded. I find as I get older, I am much more open-minded than I once was...much more accepting and able to see from another's point of view. It's a beautiful thing! What is harder though, for me, is I have less patience with those who are closed minded! Lol! My AH is very closed minded about many things and it makes me sad for him. Of course under the influence makes this even worse...

Thank you for sharing!

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

I love what all of you have said. Everyday, I feel I am growing in this program and through my Al-anon friends. All of my life, I have demanded perfectionism from myself. I am learning that failure is only bad if I don't learn anything from it. I have spent most of my married life making sure that everyone I know had a good opinion of my family and me. Now, I'm learning what other people think of me and my family is NOT any of my business. By understanding this and accepting this, I have been able to remove one of the kinks in my life. When I put the old me next to the new me, I'm in awe. I want to continue growing with the program's wisdom. I want to continue changing the things I can. smile

Thanks for all the shares to this post. I learn something every day from all of you.

It works if you work it!!

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

...yes a lot of myths are changing, day by day... a site in the Orkney Islands is 1000 years older than Stonehenge, and just as big. Coming from the South Pacific I am so aware that a lot more has been happening here, than what I was taught at school.

I wish it was the same, with the disease... well sometimes I think so...

the only way I can apply it to Alanon is to apply it to myself... and live out the truth, as I see it...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aaaaaah...the elders have come to speak. I love to sit and listen to the elders. If you keep and open mind...you will find help. (((((love you all))))) smile

blessed · Senior Member

Shutting up is probably one of the greatest things I have leaned in AlAnon. Of course I think my opinion is right - I don't carry opinions that are wrong. lol! But, do I NEED you to agree with my opinion? And why? Is my opinion more valid than yours? Why? You might feel as strongly about your opinion as I do mine. Who is right? Does it matter? There are some things that matter, but most do not. In other words there are some absolutes such as gravity and God. But, a lot of the other stuff is just personal preference.

God has stretched me and grown me by me pondering these questions. I grew up in a liberal family but as an adult did not agree w/ that thinking and determined I was conservative and then also became a Christian. That was not accepted well by my family of origin and there has been tensions over the years. Well, maybe not tension but we just didn't talk much as there was nothing to talk about. We had polar opposite views on just about everything; mostly political and religion.

Well, a few months back I confided in my younger sister about my situation at home and she said to come and live w/ her as long as I needed to. Could we live under the same roof? Well, we do and I SHUT MY MOUTH and keep my opinions to myself for the most part. It doesn't matter and it doesn't change who I am and what I believe; it just doesn't matter that I change her into me. I don't have stress that I am having to bite my tongue as I am not biting my tongue, I am just shutting my mouth and not voicing my opposition to every little thing. And she is not spouting out things all day long either. It has been peaceful and we have given each other respect.

Even in a group setting where something is said and I get that urge to set everyone straight, I ask myself some questions in my mind and most of the time just don't interject as it doesn't really matter. I actually like not having to manage the whole world. It is very freeing. lol! I think one of the AlAnon slogas is IS IT IMPORTANT?

Someone wrote that the AH was not open minded. Thank you for that reminder. My AH is CLOSED minded. There is but one way, and that is his way. Whether me, anyone else, the commentator on TV, the referee, etc. they are wrong and he is right. Not only are they wrong, they are stupid. There is no middle ground or concession. His way, is the only way. That left no room for discussion on any matter.

My former Pastor used to say, "If you're the smartest guy in the group, it's time to find a new group." I love that. We can all learn and grow if we allow ourselves to do so.

-- Edited by blessed on Tuesday 14th of October 2014 09:25:17 AM

Spur · Senior Member

Great topic and responses.

I'm guilty of being opinionated. I didn't realize how much this was hurting me...the need to feel heard or have my thoughts validated by others...until Al Anon. I catch myself saying, "I knew..." or "I thought..." and I stop. I don't need outside validation anymore. The only person I need validation from is me. This has opened my heart to kindness and calmness. I place other people's opinions at the foot of HP. It's no longer my job to justify my thoughts onto other people.

I want to share that I had a dear friend who lived a devout Christian life. The phrase, "She didn't have a mean bone in her body" fit her perfectly. In my dysfunctional world, I marveled at her calmness, her complete open mindedness, her lack of vanity in dealing with other people. She was always kind, thoughtful, unassuming, and she lived her life everyday devoted to her family and her HP. I always marveled at her aura of contentment.

Since I've found Al ANon, I now understand where her sense of fulfillment came from. I think of her often these days and Gratefuls post also reminded me of her today.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you to everyone for your responses.

Alcoholism is a disease of lies. There were so many lies perpetuated in my FOO that I believed hook, line and sinker and carried what I learned into my own life and into my own family. It wasn't that folks were usually lying with intent - it was simply that they were passing on what they had learned and never examined closely. My daughter was a child who would ask questions that woke me up to so many cherished opinions that when reviewed made no sense at all even though they had been passed down for generations. My son's disease woke me up to the alcoholism in my own family - something that no one owned or ever talked about until I was in my mid to late 50s. Until that time, I thought my son's disease was inherited from his father's side. I do believe that keeping an open mind was one of the single most important tools our program offers to us. If I had chosen to keep my mind closed and simply continued to believe what I'd always believed and my family believed, I truly don't think I could have ever fully opened myself to the reality of how this disease affects generations of families or how important it is to recognize that what we think we know may not be true. Al-Anon helped me see what I couldn't see without working the program and gave me tools to utilize that my FOO couldn't give me.

It is my hope that for those of us who keep an open mind and work the program in earnest that we are able to benefit family members who come after us in some way. Maybe children coming after us will never have to endure what some of us have endured because we will have made a transition from perpetuating some of the lies of this disease to living more freely and whole and can pass some of that health on?

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 15th of October 2014 04:07:29 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 15th of October 2014 04:08:01 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.