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I made a mistake and now need to make corrections. I'm too stressed and it's too much pressure. This will be very difficult as I need to tell my boyfriend that I cannot continue as such. It was a nice relationship that started developing some stressful undertones and I'm uncomfortable with how it's rolling out. Worse, I hadn't realized just how enmeshed I was becoming by just being present (he's not an A but am I another hostage!?). I saw some warning signs and I'm angry with myself for not responding more- I thought I'd be ok, but as time passes, I don't think I am. During the relationship, I had spoken up- now I'm realizing that he didn't want to listen or all he heard was his own thoughts in his head. I will do my best to protect myself if he becomes nasty.
Thank you for any support and strength for my decisions and actions as they unfold.
You did what you did and will do what you need to do. Perhaps all of this was necessary...our HP knows the bigger picture. Prayers for a peaceful exit and new beginning.
Thank you Paula. At first I thought that I was uncomfortable with the adjustment of the relationship- as in the idea of one- that I was on my own for so long that I was not giving it a chance. Now I see that it's more than that. I did learn some important lessons for takeaway. Perhaps it was necessary to have learned them like this. I'm grateful for the reminder and I do trust HP for having the bigger picture.
Hind sight is always 20-20 I don't believe you made a mistake. It's just a delayed reaction to a current situation that needs to be addressed. Please be very gentle on yourself big hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Great awareness Bud. Relationships are difficult even when the other is not an "A". The 3 As are principles that can be used in all our interactions.
You did well. Learn the lessons of the relationship and move on a little wiser.
Thanks SRU, I wish it weren't so complicated. I gave benefit of the doubt because I thought I was having trouble matriculating into society after the decades long debacle with my exAH. I thought he may be right and this was the way to move forward together. If it is right, I'm not cut out for it, as I've lost so much of my serenity. I may have lost money too. Isn't it crazy how I don't even know!? I'm sick over it.
Thanks Betty, I'll try and keep that as my focus. I hope I can financially recoup. If not, then I guess it's better to know sooner. I can't compete with how he envisions everything rolling out... so planned that there is no actual room for me in the picture... unless I squeeze into whatever space works with what he has pictured inside his head. (not an option!)
Whoops! Perhaps you've slipped back a bit? Well, that happens. It also sounds as if you are ready to pick yourself up, check for cuts and bruises, tend to them and then move on towards your goal of wholeness/shalom/peace?
The best thing about this is that you're beginning to see your own recovery in action. To Thine Own Self Be True - congratulations to you for choosing to live fully by taking your power back from someone who whether with intention or not is detrimental to your serenity and well-being. I'm glad you're choosing to take care of yourself by trusting your gut and are not letting him get any closer. You deserve better. (((bud)))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 12th of October 2014 10:15:33 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I call this a transition relationship and yes I had two of them. Both times I thought I was ready to date after my divorce, but I wouldn't have known I had major work to do without them happening. My biggest problem was I took some of my old habits of ignoring red flags and not having a strong voice with me. I very easily let these men overshadow me in every way in the relationship and yes I again got resentful and continued some cycles from my marriage into these dating relationships. So I took some more time getting stronger within myself and digging into my program and the only way after spending time alone and doing the work is to try again when I felt ready. I am now doing the best I have ever been with someone, but it takes these learning dating experiences and taking time alone to do the work for me to get where I am. I take it all as what I needed to get to where I am. Don't beat yourself up, just chalk it up to needing a learning lesson to continue your growth. Sending you lots of love and support on your journey!
-- Edited by Breakingfree on Sunday 12th of October 2014 11:18:28 AM
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you grateful, TT, and Breakingfree. I finally had the courage to open a conversation- open to working through differences, but was cut off from expressing my needs. He couldn't consider my needs, couldn't even listen to them. He became nasty, and later in the day sent me a text message to confirm that it is over.
(((Bud)) I am sorry . Just remember people come into our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime. When you have learned the lesson the relationship was meant to teach you it is time to move on because it has served the purpose.
You have grown stronger as a result of this process and I congratulate you for having the courage to embark on this road. You are stronger and wiser as a result.
Thank you Betty. I learned a lot. It brought me great joy, but it also brought me away from my serenity. I hope to start having some emotional distance, as there is no use in more suffering. It's such a shame that he had to end everything and with nasty words (that are justified in his mind). I am grateful for my MIP family and that I have a 12 step program.
Ours' is not a perfect program Bud and we don't ever work it that way either. I make mistakes and do what you're talking about...I inventory it...my part in it and only my part and then I decide what it is that I am looking for and then make the choice to get there. That doesn't sound much different than what you're doing now so I'm in support and am sending prayers. If you are afraid he may act out I would ask if that fear is justified. Has he before? If he has take the most positive route for your safety. Let us know how it works out. ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry!
"only my part and then I decide what it is that I am looking for and then make the choice to get there. " More good words to live by! I have finished my inventory and what I am looking for- I'm grateful for the focus to now be on my choice to get there. This was very difficult, I loved this man and the relationship was good in so many ways, ended over something that seems easily worked out, but only if he wanted (and he didn't). I guess some people will give up anything to not have to acknowledge their bad behavior and he readily and willingly ended "us"... I wasn't sure (I have recently witnessed him being quite a bully) but now feel that my fears regarding his anger aren't justified. I pray for him and for all who love him, I pray for all who he has hurt. I pray that he finds happiness. There is no substitute for time passing in getting to know someone.
Good for you!! one of the things I learned here and in the rooms is that as long as I have memory a relationship never ends. I get to adjust the memory over time letting go of the negatives and willingly keeping the positives closer to the front of my mind. So saying that like that I admit my divorces have only been physical and on the mental, emotional and spiritual levels the relationships grew. Crazy I know glad I have the 2nd step. lol (((hugs)))
Although this relationship has taken a turn for you that may not be to your liking, what I see here in you is awareness, acceptance and healthy action. Perhaps there was a time when you couldn't hear or see the door shutting on a relationship and kept walking into it, hurting yourself in the process? That's all changed now if that was part of your reality once upon a time? If so, you know now what you didn't know then and you'll take that knowledge with you into an increasingly positive future for you as guided by your HP.
Thank you Jerry, I hope to get to that point and sooner than later. Right now the positives are just as highly charged as his harsh words and it's just so painful. I sort of slept a little last night. No appetite yet, but forcing some food down.
Thank you Grateful; I approached a sensitive issue knowing that it may evoke a strong reaction. Technically, he ended it. I don't know that I can take credit for walking away, but I can take credit for not cowering in a corner with fingers crossed regarding how finances are handled. His reaction was even stronger than I anticipated- he refused to talk/listen, heard what he wanted to hear, got nasty, packed his things and left. He broke it off over something that never happened. His harsh words and actions resonate in his absence and the whole thing would be ridiculous if I weren't hurting so much. I trusted him and part of that trust was to be able to work things out- at least try... at least not be nasty... hear what my concern actually was rather than his projection of what he thought??
If he couldn't or wouldn't hear you, then the door seems to me to be closing on another hardware store for bread kind of relationship? Nasty is always a defensive move and has to do with fear. We are powerless over another person's fear just as we are over alcoholism and the alcoholic. My Mom comes to mind as I write this to you. She, too, was unable to hear me - she just heard her own fearful beliefs as they chattered away in her head and there was nothing I could really do other than to let her go and be where she was in her head and in her heart. Does his behavior remind you of anyone who has been close to you in your history?
In these break ups whether they are romantic or friendships, over the days and months ahead I would find myself lamenting.. why didn't I just keep my mouth shut and the good times at least in my mind would seem incomparable to anything I'd experienced before with anyone in my life. I can see this already happening with the job I am about to leave. The fear I have that there might not be something better, something that is more a match to what my insides look like today. I have to remind myself that the trust I have today in my own feelings is real and been earned and is solid. Yours is too. Trust your gut. It may feel lonely at first. Maybe you got a little closer to what looked like what you deserve in a relationship - that's progress. Now you have another red flag you know how to identify. When you meet the next person whatever the relationship and it's there, you'll know. You'll just feel that uneasiness and know. So he ended it... does that make him "the winner?" ((((bud)))) Rejection is God's protection. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 13th of October 2014 07:27:57 AM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 13th of October 2014 07:28:57 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Yes, Grateful, it does. It reminds me of every relationship where I didn't have a voice- my Mom, my sister, my aunt and uncle, my exAH, and the men that I dated that were unavailable but left that for me to discover their dishonesty about wanting a relationship. Yes, I stirred his fear big time- something he cannot handle, but aren't we both to work our fears out together?? I can't control how he handled this any more than I couldn't control the events that led to my concern. I would have thought that we could talk about anything. Up until this point we could, but then I felt an undertone of bully when I would approach something that didn't want to address.
Thank you TT. At least I know that I had to speak up- in the past I would have lamented opening my mouth.... now, I just don't know if I could have done it better or not. I was calm but I may have elicited a different response if I were extremely direct... I had felt that being that direct would come across as a full frontal attack no matter how gently worded. That is exactly what I didn't want. But that is what I got anyway.
It was a much, much closer look at what I wanted in a long term partner. Also a much closer look at myself as well as what I deserve. This did bring on so much.
I am 61 and have spent much of my life trying to be heard...in my family of origin, I was invisible. I created love relationships with men that did not hear me, but by golly I was determined to correct that It brought me much frustration, misery and despair. I don't care as much anymore if I am heard (it still sneaks up on me if I am not hearing me) and I have accepted that this will most likely always be an issue, so I do my best to choose friendships wisely and acceptThat I won't be heard not because of me but because many are self absorbed. I also know that I trigger people even when I don't say anything...then I see diminishing (bullying) behaviors.
Bud, based on your posts, you seem wise, level headed and mature. This is threatening for many. It does not mean you need to dim down, they need to step up to meet you.
It is written that we often choose partners like our Dads as daughters. I picked men like my Mom. It was the relationship to my Mom that I kept trying to bring a happy end to until I saw what I was doing as an adult. There was a pre-teen and teen within me that thought she had done something to lose her Mom's love as I'd felt so loved and cherished by her as a young child. I forgave my Mom who was an untreated ACOA and I forgave myself for being the daughter I was rather than being the daughter she wanted. I can still fall back into looking for what I did to lose her love and self-validation helps me step back into knowing that I am a woman of many talents, assets and accomplishments that help me choose people and relationships that are mutually inclusive and comfortable for me. If there is a conflict - which to me is normal in any healthy relationship - I'm open to doing my part to hear the other person out without discounting my own thoughts, feelings and needs. If a relationship begins to get squirreling with lots of talk, talk, talk that goes nowhere or I sense the other person has made up their mind on a particular issue that affects me adversely in some way, I'll bless them, accept where they are, and move on and out of what to me is an exercise in futility or simply not a match. By the time my Mom was on her deathbed, she was still trying to change me into the person she wanted and not the person I was. She didn't see the person I was and there was nothing I could do about that. I did see me and I knew that what I longed for in relationship to her was never going to be. I still thought she was one of the most beautiful, talented and powerful women I had known in my lifetime and although she couldn't see that, I did and that had to be enough for me. My daughter helped me see what was true then and although I still had/have sibs who learned to treat me as my Mom did, I know that I don't fall back on the familial pattern in me as often as I once did. You are a woman who is appreciated, approved and loved as you are today by folks who are in your life besides the bf. Spending more time with those folks may be very healing for you as you wave goodbye to someone who apparently couldn't hold his own in relationship with you? (((B)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 13th of October 2014 08:25:40 AM
Thank you PP, your share helps! I appreciate but am not currently feeling wise, level-headed or mature. I didn't know how to regain my serenity if I could not speak about my concern. You make another point about it as well- there are many that are so insecure that being around someone who is centered/ confident, will feel extra vulnerable and ... may not act on their insecurities in a mature way. Not fun.
-- Edited by bud on Monday 13th of October 2014 09:36:10 AM
Thank you Grateful, I thought he saw who I was, but I don't really know now. I strive to improve myself, but have come to learn that I can do my best to put my best foot forward and then let go of the outcomes. ... working on this with this situation. I'm redoing my inventory.
This man reminds me of my Mom and Dad in many ways. Now that my parents are so ill and frail, this is an interesting point that you make. More self-inventory...
I am open but he is not and I can't make someone want to talk through fears.
You are correct: We can't make people talk through their fears - especially if they don't even know they have any. I feel afraid of: fill in the blank ---- are some mighty vulnerable words to speak - not just to others but to ourselves. It is a freeing statement and pregnant with help and hope, but so many of us have been taught that recognizing fear is a weakness and so we run around pretending the opposite. When I visited people in prison and in mental hospitals I noted two distinct differences in the populations when I would enter their rooms. Those in prison seemed to feel fear but act macho. Those in mental hospitals were acting out varying degrees of anger. None were facing their fears and dealing with them.
He just left me a voice mail. It had an apology and how he went off the wall when he thought he heard me say I don't know if I'm moving in. I said "yes". Some how he heard "I don't know." I really don't know what to do with this. There are times I've misheard things in my life- put it through that ol' " unhealthy bud filter" and it came out distorted as my filter. I noticed I started physically shaking when I saw him trying to call me.
So, how will it feel to you when he misunderstands something you say or doesn't like your decision about something in the future and slams out the door again or says "its over" every time you want something he doesn't want? Sounds very immature to me, Bud.
Red flags to me, Bud. I hear you second guessing you and maybe taking more of the responsibility for this outcome than is really yours to take on? If I am interpreting the post correctly, you were willing to have a conversation about it, he was not. Your body reacted, that is important...listen to its wisdom. I used to have bodily reactions (truth) when things were off but I would let my mind take over and override the truth of what my body was telling me.
Yes, grateful, I appreciate the outside view that I'm not tagging or assigning something inappropriately. I'm just so shaken that I've been in shock (which is initially ok, but denial is not ok).
Thanks PP, I was willing to have a conversation and he walked away. He returned and initiated mudslinging, I did not consider this a 2 way conversation so thanked him for the good feedback and I removed myself from the building. Yes, the shaking thing has me rattled. I don't know why I'm fighting this- it seems clear when I read the responses to this post including my own.
After dumping my ex-A, I kissed a lot of frogs to finally find a prince. LOL. You get better at figuring out what you want if you choose to be in relationships.
Thanks Pink. I'm having trouble letting go. His contacting me in between, even though I'm not engaging, becomes confusing- because then it sounds like there's a miscommunication that can be fixed. Or is it that un-connecting synapse thing that they can't/don't want to remember what they said or process what someone else says.
In today's voicemail he says he doesn't know where my head is at and wants to know what it is that we're doing??? When he said, "it's over" yesterday, and left, that wasn't ending it??? There is confusion if it's ended or not??? It was a decision he made for the both of us, apparently based on something that never happened.
He sounds pretty confused to me. Obviously, he is confusing to you. I've never felt confused in a healthy relationship and I've felt very confused with shape shifters.
thanks again Grateful!! yes, he is confused and if this stems from manipulation, then the goal is to confuse me so he can push the reset button on what was our relationship. I do agree that confusion is a less frequent encounter in healthy relationships- a good marker, thank you.
