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Hello everyone I am new to this board and am hoping you can help me in some way to come to terms with this. My Dad is 81 years old and probably an end stage alcoholic. He is also 90% deaf and has moderate dementia. If his dementia was more severe we could probably have him put int a complete care facility. As it is he just barely passes his cognitive tests which do little to measure his actual daily functioning. He lives 8 hours from my one sister and I and my other sister lives nearby to him. He had 30 years of sobriety and picked up around 12 years ago. For awhile he seemed to manage it at least in our presence. He has been hospitalized 7 times this year because of alcohol related incidents once for 3 months. Each time he is released he begins drinking immediately. I have had him at my house at least 3 months this year and each time he claims he is going to dry out but within two days he is sneaking off to buy a bottle and becomes resentful when you call him on it His drunks are horrific and he can do days with only sleeping and drinking. Often he hurts himself. It takes him forever to stop bleeding if he cuts himself. My sisters and I feel we have done everything possible, other than move him into our homes which would cause too much stress for our own families. The hospital has told him he is not able to come back just to dry out and if he wants to kill himself that is his right. We know he will die from this and have terrible fears that we will be burdened with guilt when he does as just maybe there would be one more thing we could have tried. is there anyone else out there that has been in this type of situation that could over some guidance?
Not much to say but 81 is an above average life span and WAY above average for an alcoholic. Let go and let God. You can't save 25 year old alcoholic let alone an 81 year old one.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 11th of October 2014 03:28:54 PM
HI shaz and welcome to MIP. You are among supportive friends here who know your pain. Sadly, alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. You and your siblings should feel no guilt as you have done everything humanly possible to help him. While you cannot help your dad, you can help yourselves. I would strongly recommend you all seek out Al-anon. Al-anon is for family members and friends who have been affected by someone's drinking.
I'm glad you found MIP, and please keep coming back.
Take care of you.
((shaz))
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Hello Shaz Welcome
I am so sorry to read of how alcoholism is affecting your family and would like to suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. Here you and your sisters will obtain the support and tools you need to cope with this dreadful disease. Alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless As you have witnessed it can be arrested and never cured. My son had been sober in AA for 12 years relapsed and was unable to regain his sobriety I experienced all that you describe and understand.
Alanon will support you as you experience this disease so that whatever happens you will know that you did your best, he was loved and that his Higher Power was in control and you were powerless.
So sorry for the loss that is coming.....I agree with Mark....it doesn't make it easier but facts be told, he is beyond helping...I would just give him the love I can and get to some alanon meetings..I am sure there are folks there who have lost or are losing a loved on to this addiction.....again...soo sorry you are going through this....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
No matter how old they are or the choices they have made to contribute to their decline, it hurts our hearts. Love him and live your life to the fullest, guilt free. Al anon can help you live your life and let go of your papa. Know that when he passes he will be loved and at peace.
(((Shaz))) Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place. I'm so very sorry to hear about your Dad and I wish I could offer something more than prayers. I agree with the others that there is not much that can be done at this point. My Dad turns 85 next week, not an A, but wheelchair bound and with decades of progressive medical issues and an extremely limited quality of life. It's so sad and difficult to watch parents age and become increasingly fragile. I visit my Dad, tell him I love him, bring him pretzels- his favorite, help him eat, try to have conversations with him, hold his hand, help him go to the bathroom, wheel him outside for fresh air weather-permitting, and comfort him when he's upset... even when it doesn't feel like it's enough when all that I can do is love him and do the best I can to make him comfortable- it's enough. When he looks at me and tells me he loves me- it's more than enough. Sending prayers.
Thank you very much all for your responses. I think a f2f al anon meeting is a good idea. Bud I wish I could do nice things like that for my Dad and then go home feeling assured that he's safe. But unless constantly supervised my Dad is always on the floor naked and drunk. At times he has soiled himself and gets it all over the house, When sober he is defiant and seems to care about no one. I believe his dementia has affected his ability to care for others. I often wish he was dead as the day to day stress is too much for my sisters and I. We are almost always in a state of constant debilitating anxiety and we don't know how to manage it. We could try to have him declared incompetent but my fear is that due to a severe shortage of long term care beds we would end up having to place him in our home as we would then be responsible for him. we cannot even travel as in the last year we have all been called home from trips because of a new crazy fiasco. As well we have little happiness and joy and this wears on our own spouses and children. We feel trapped and anxious as well as very afraid.
I'm so sorry Shaz. You do have an extremely difficult situation given all of the factors and responsibilities on top of everything else. The f2f will help give extra support, there are MIP online meetings too.
But unless constantly supervised my Dad is always on the floor naked and drunk. At times he has soiled himself and gets it all over the house, When sober he is defiant and seems to care about no one. I believe his dementia has affected his ability to care for others. I often wish he was dead as the day to day stress is too much for my sisters and I. We are almost always in a state of constant debilitating anxiety and we don't know how to manage it. We could try to have him declared incompetent but my fear is that due to a severe shortage of long term care beds we would end up having to place him in our home as we would then be responsible for him. we cannot even travel as in the last year we have all been called home from trips because of a new crazy fiasco. As well we have little happiness and joy and this wears on our own spouses and children. We feel trapped and anxious as well as very afraid.
(((((shaz)))))) omg....what a sad story...yea, his ability to think rationally has to be extremely compromised with his advanced age and the alcohol....I totally get the "often wish he was dead" yep, i thought that about my A mother who brutalized me, didn't want me from day one of my birth....I ended up disconnecting from her entirely when the end stages were upon her...I had my own problems and i just was played out by her decades of abuse and drinking horror shows...so I "bailed"...it wasn't my problem...wasn't something I could handle...i figured her children whom she loved would help her and my fellow abusee brother and I just detached....we were done with the whole scene....she ended up passing away , drunk when she did as evidenced by the nearly empty 2 litre bottle of wine she had so it was merciful....nature took care of something I was powerless over.....in later years, i came to, after years of recovery, i can understand some of her awful deeds, but i will never excuse her...I don't even hate her or resent her anymore....i never mention her, i don't think of her on mother's day, i thnk about the mom and dad who took me in as a sad, abused little runaway whom they adored and whose love i returned with all my heart.....I did find love...lots of it......not in my family....i was ok with that...love is love...true love is precious be it dna or not...don't matter to me....i totally 100% support you and validate you on your feelings and your needs to put your own life adn the lives of your children/spouses first.....i know i may sound cold, but i don't owe anyone my sanity or my peace or my safety.....i never even THOUGHT of "taking her in" and purchasing MORE pain for me...my brother and i talked about it and we were done with her when we left home....she had a husband, other kids whom she loved...I am soo sorry to read your story here....lordy, it reminds me of the days when she was alive....HE was even worse of a spirit then she was...she was sick...he was just stone evil, but thats another story I only share when necessary.....she was an addict...sick...but again...I did not owe her anymore of my life that she had already damaged........You take care ok??? i hope u can find a face to face meet and there are some folks you can get some good advice from....like after the meets, i would hang out and for sure there would be folks more alanon experienced than i was who would give me some pointers.....also online meets are good, too, many times after the meets we hang out in the chat room and i've gotten some good direction there.....we dont' advise...but we can say "well this worked for me" or "i tried this" , we only suggest or illustrate what we did in same or similiar situation..................by the way...welcome to alanon, the place where one can re-claim a life interrupted........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks for the share Shaz...hits close to home as I am also and Elder and no longer drink alcohol. Your Dad does sound "end stage" alcoholism...the point where the disease becomes fatal. As aware as you sound I also encourage you to get to the first face to face Al-Anon meeting you can so that you can share with us face to face and we can do the same. We are in this together as a family and this is a family disease. It is near impossible watching a dignified creation being reduced to total other reliance and to exacerbate it with inebriation and then that is the reality of alcoholism. I agree getting help with and for him is the practice of empathy and compassion and that the awareness that his characteristics will go with him. How many alternatives does he and the family have? Look for the alternatives is part of arriving at solution. Prayer too and you have them from Hilo. (((((hugs)))))
Im sorry you are going through this shaz. Are there private nursing homes where you live. Maybe the family could chip in a nd get him the care he needs. You and your family are entitled to some peace, it may come at a price but it might be worth every penny. It must be hard to see your father behaving like a spoiled little child. I would be tempted to detach from this madness and leave him to it. I dont know if his age would stop me though.he has a lot of power over his family though and its power in the hands of a man with a disease. I would remove that power to the best of my ability and in a loving way.
As for guilt, no way, you have done the very best you can, please dont let guilt come in and destroy you. Alcoholism loves guilt. A guilty person is controllable. Alanon will help you and your siblings get this in its proper perspective.h
I had a friend in her 80s who was falling down stairs drunk alone in her own home. She finally broke a hip and ended up going to an assisted living facility where she couldn't drink and was with other people that helped her mind and body stay active. As her dementia progressed, she was moved to a lockdown unit where she died at 91. She was sober and aware for several years before she was placed in the Alzheimer's unit. She died clean and cared for rather than drunk and alone in her house. Checking out your Dad's options may open some doors for him into help that he needs and give you some peace.
My father wasn't an A, but what you are describing fits some of my own dear father's last years of life. We moved him into assisted living where he was happy (after he got over the fact he was there) for the last few years of his life. He received very good care and could no longer be on the roads like an out of control teen in his car. We could visit him and take him places while nursing staff and caregivers made sure he showered, was fed and his "apartment" cleaned regularly.
This is a difficult time for grown children whether or not their parents also have the disease of alcoholism. Self care is also very important and I do hope you will find support for yourself in Al-Anon.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of October 2014 07:24:06 AM
I do empathize also...I wanted to say how I know this must be awful. No matter how old, he's your dad. This is not a dignified way of aging and possibly dying. That is horrible.
Again thank you for your responses, they all help. We had home care arranged but it did not last long as he told them he didn't need them and not to come. As far as hiring someone, it would have to be a fairly large man as my Dad is a big man and total dead weight when he is drunk. As well most help, of this sort in, our area have English as a second language and given my Dad's hearing issues it becomes complicated. We had arranged home care in the city where I live and at the last minute he backed out and refused and we do have him on a list where he lives. The first opening is in December. I fear he will be dead by then. I also know that when he gets in they make kick him out for public and disorderly drunkeness. Our hope is to get him in a lockdown unit. When he does die I think it will be years before my sisters and I will have a memory of him that does not involve trauma
Shaz, you may be enabling him to live this way. You and your family may have unconsciously made his drinking easy for him. Would you consider withdrawing certain help. Like cleaning him up after a drinking binge, it may be good for him to clean himself up. Could you provide very minimal support for him? Often while we are focused on the a we are neglecting important parts of our lifes, including children. Your dad shouldnt come first, he should come first to himself and if he chooses to not look after himself its his choice. That doesnt mean you step in and look after him, it sounds like he wants to drink and doesnt want help and thats a decision he has the right to make. I dont have experience with an elderly person but detachment works for most people.
Perhaps petitioning the courts for guardianship is an option? Your Dad can't take care of himself anymore and it could be that you can have him placed in a facility set up for a person with his disabilities and medical treatment available?
My Dad refused home care, too, and after living with my brother where he also refused to do what he really needed to do to care for himself, was hospitalized for some big health issues brought on by his non-compliance with medical protocol and then we could make the changes necessary for him. My Dad was an athlete and also a fairly large man. In residential treatment, his diet was regulated (he was diabetic and ate sugar daily outside the home), so were his meds and because there were more people than him that weren't his kids ("Hey! I raised all 10 of you, diapered you, took you places, paid for your education - who are you to tell me that I can't take care of myself or drive where I want to go when I want to do it or say "no" to meds?), he became more compliant even though he did buy himself candy in the sweet shop (and got insulin shots in the stomach following that).
I am sorry that your Dad's disease caused so much trauma for you. I do hope you will experience some resolution of hurts that you've suffered and also find a solution that will help your Dad and you, too. Sending you much encouragement and support.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of October 2014 10:15:24 AM
